There are many ways of breaking a heart. Stories were full of hearts broken by love,
but what really broke a heart was taking away its dream - whatever that dream might be.
Pearl S. Buck

Sunday, February 18


The last few months, since before the fire, I seem to have lost my passion. Part of me feels that its due to environmental issues, emotional changes with my sons energy, the constant running on the treadmill of life, and an overall distrust that romantic love actually is achievable.

I have focused so much on just 'surviving', that I don't find much inspiration in the steps to get there. I am determined to change this. I may even start daily journaling about it.

Today is step 1 - admitting that I am willing to let life inspire me again.

Wednesday, January 31

Blood Moon thoughts - Jan 31 - 2018


WHAT AN AMAZING EVENT! Thankfully I woke up in time to see it all from before total eclipse until moonset at 645 am pst. Energetically it was transcendent.

Something I did witness though is how up in ourHEADS we are. UG. Humans are weak lil blobs of meat with bones holding it all together and a massive ball of nuerons trying to run the 'show'..   We just can't seem to get out of our own way in order to follow what nature intended for us.

Sunday, November 19

Virtual Mystics Group Post

I started a page/group (technically Jayden started it, and I made it flourish) called Virtual Mystics. The other day an innocent question turned into a twisted conversation about racism. It literally had me swimming in about 50 directions. I should have ended it before it started and never engaged. I felt as a leader of the group that I 'could' attempt to make a civil conversation about it, but that's not what happened. Hopefully, it ts my last lesson in attempting to have conversations that trigger others in a calm manner. HA~ Here was my post at the end of the day, after deleting the entire commotion.

Today was rough on my heart. AND as the poverty-stricken, spiritually driven, ancient and hopeful white girl leader of this group, I choose to see that controversy can teach each of us, that words can be harmful triggers to issues we need to be facing. We all know that love is what is driving all of us to try help others. When we disallow someone the right to ask a question in regards to their needs we become trapped in a cycle of retribution by disagreeing via our OWN experiences. I wouldn't discount theirs any more than they should discount mine. That being said, NO more. The educational post from today is being removed - I do suggest that it teaches you that no matter what, opinions and reality are two diff snakes and trying to charm them both at once is a bitch. I don't relish being a leader, I do it so we can learn from each other how to better navigate, and I would never presume to tell any of you to do to it my way... because I am flawed. But I do expect you all to understand that we are here to remain peaceful and respectful. I'm not a dictator, and none of you should be either. Love isn't indifference. Love is energy. Indifference is a choice. Choosing to love instead of hate is a choice. Be calm, stay safe, be true to yourself. 

Monday, February 27

Monday Poetry

When the world thinks they know you
But the really have no clue
How to open your door into truth?

False accusations are just words on a page
Don’t block your path forward with guilt as a shield
The path ever changing is the only way on

To be what you are and to right all your wrongs
Don’t ever let others blame you for their pain
NO relationship is one sided when it comes to fame.

With true acceptance and proper goodbyes
You move into the light of sunnier skies
The past is a promise you know how to live

And the future is the opportunity to continue to give. <

Sunday, February 5


I made it through  a long session this winter. I don't think I have been as aware of how down I could get until now, and that is saying something! I have experienced so much I didn't feel it was possible. I think seeing my aging parents and my teenager son grow to be taller than me has reminded me that the end could happen. :)

What lead me to writing today was how to find an inspiration to continue out these days of my life, which is a great deal! I will be where I want to be - but what guides me? My life has been like an ocean voyage from one place to another, a traveler of sorts. I like that sort of life. Each stop gives me more information, more interaction, more energy for living and creating inspiration. I have been pretty static for a few years, so its itchy feet time again. I think I need to not ignore it, but not necessarily follow it this time around!

I am looking for a way to really find what I want out of life, which seems weird at my age, but so be it. I know I seek more spiritual enlightenment, and I argue with that because I have a child, and in order to really find that you must abandon all "attachments". Learning what the balance is maybe the only lesson I have during this phase of enlightenment.

I am posting these here because no one reads my blog and I need a place to journal that I will go to and keep up with.

Sunday, November 20

Coastal Lenormand by Melanie!

I really would love any support you could offer this campaign! Thanks.


Thursday, July 14


Honestly the debate just in this thread alone is proof that people just believe what they want to believe and follow the "story" with whatever version fits their beliefs... AND since there is no real accountability in the billionaire classes in our country, we are at the bottom of a pool waiting on the sociopaths to pass laws in regards to our well being. If Trump is elected I feel like i will be the head of or in league with a very large army of angry women, set on exiting this dying country.

Tuesday, March 17


Todays word... oppression:
prolonged cruel or unjust treatment or control.

I was thinking that since we are all part of the same existence in time, working separately (together), what is the oppression we are putting forth in our own lives, or the lives of others? What does oppression mean to you? Is it about people being held prisoner out of fear? What kind of fear generates it? Or could it be thinking that only toast is what you can eat for breakfast? How deep or how shallow is oppression?

Saturday, March 14

This is cool.. :)


Governed by the element of fire. Notice the spark within each semi-circular glow dome around the barrier, and the large seed that is planted firmly into the base. This symbolizes the ability to remain focused and steadfast, as well as fully energized and ready to move up and outward into your own freedom.

This mandala carries the spirit of the horse. He brings his boundless energy, his dedication to the taks at hand, yet a beautiful strength and sense of freedom. He reminds us to look as though we move freely, but truly only move with intention.

If you are contemplating upon this madala, your spirit may be asking you to take action, build your momentum. The seeds you've sown are now in need of extra nurturing from other elements, in order for you to move forward and maintain your inner drive and ambition. Know that your burning desires are rapidly approaching, but you will only get out what you put in.

Thursday, March 5


I have started a new chapter in Life... You can check me out ! Or call me. xo

or we can type it out.

Anyway. Looking forward to helping others.

Sunday, March 1


I looked out the window today and in the clouds I saw a jaguar. i had to blink and look twice. its still there. What is the message that its trying to send me? I was meditating and my instincts said to look right.. observe the clouds.

Jaguar Spirit animal meanings
Confidence, power, supreme focus, preparation

Jaguar spiritual meaning
Fertility, femininity, breath work, in tune with the earth

Jaguar shamanic magic
Visualization, Manifestation

Today and this coming season I will embody these elements. Focus, feminitiy, breath work, visualization, confidence, power, preparation, manifestation.

This will set the tone for the next phase in my life. :)


Saturday, February 28


If all there is all there was based all we are on communication, how effective are you at that? What are you portraying or receiving, and what if you want something but all you have to do is say... ONE word that changes everything.

Why aren't you saying that word?

Saturday, December 6


they leave us

we react in kind

come in forms

your choices here

i become alive

keep choosing. maybe.

awaits me away from you.


Your light
reminds me of
what i care to forget

your flame
grows silently higher
consuming the purpose

your heat
expands outward
mesmerizing cold bodies

eyes gleaming
from the scent
of the times
here and spent

fire burning down
fire flows around
bodies reaching out
to a smoking pyre

when the fire dies
we are left with ashes
praying for rain
to wash away the stench

and it has rained
the fire is out
the life is awakening
the fire lottery awaits.


What do I do in this lifetime?
How do I talk to the ones I love
There is something going down
And i don’t know how to go

forward from this fog
you chose another day
i wont be here when the train
comes back to the station

where you and I met
there isn’t a way back
you made me second
i wont forget that

friends or not you have
not been honest with me
by not being honest with yourself.
hide and seek isn’t coy

its the game of a little boy
trying to reach something
he was never meant to have
i walk.. further towards a smile

One that greets me in
a life that has sunshine
and people that allow
me to be in their confidences.

Ego and pride
they are side by side
in the way of love
i will never be able

to heal you or us
as you chose to let us die
and then another life 

goes sliding by.. and we wait. 

Monday, September 29

Dreams of Hollywood

Tonight’s dream had a shower, and then I was in Hollywood again. I was with a man that another friend of mine wanted to be with. She had to sons and was hitting on him while he and I were somewhere together. I had already felt that he wouldn’t be a match for me. but She had two sons that were very difficult and I felt that he would be a great father, so in my mind in the dream, he was perfect for her. Even though I desired the same thing I realized it wouldn’t be fair for anyone if I lied about my feelings just to have security. I was in a restaurant in Hollywood and there were some famous people there, and groups of people gawking at them. It was a concept restaurant where the middle of the place was lined with booths that went along a famous route (why famous I don’t remember but I think it had something to do with motorcycles).

I walked to the back of the restaurant and there was a man there I had known. He was standing as still as a statue (It looked like Donald B. to me) he was staring at me. I think he didn’t even realize he was staring at me until I said his name then he went all “actor” and went into some kind of act. It was a very odd feeling.

What i do find interesting about my dreams.. Lots of bathroom scenes.. and parking lot themes. I often wonder why that is. I also dreamt of Oprah Winfrey for MONTHS before coming to Santa Barbara... I think that I am going to have to move to Hollywood at some point... sigh. I sure don't like that idea. :(

Monday, September 15

Invisible Sigh

For so long now
aching for peace
in my heart 

the invisible sigh

coming over me
is the cloud
darkening hope again

the invisible sigh

when the voice
said you were mine
i never had doubts

the invisible sigh

belief of you
the hope rang
despite broken promises

the invisible sigh

i trusted in you
words indifferent
proof of depth

the invisible sigh

you walked towards
shiny distracting birds
I become memory

the invisible sigh

my heart is yours
i can let it go 
finding feet forward

the invisible sigh

a new heart
for me will be
delivered as a gift

the invisible sigh

truth will arrive
embracing hope
letting it fly again

the invisible sigh

egg laid gently
into the nest
born into season

the invisible sigh

and the wings
flutter past you
as an invisible sigh. 

Wednesday, August 20

Out of the Cave - Poem written 2005

i heard some words today
that came out of my mouth
surprising i had become her
that woman i didn't know at all

a woman who had to run
as soon as the door opened
for her that road was the only way
she had to leave that place

he kept her lonely and captive
in a dream that turned stale
and a life that was a prison
and he was the guard

you can never say love
is a mistake that you made
it is the heart you have and
shared with trust and compassion

as he walked across that line
to make my heart a piece of trash
i made a cave and crawled inside.
sat in the dark staring at the spark

i have never made a move again
to love or make a love interest.
i can love you with all my heart
but know this now any one

this fence may seem delicate
but it is strong like a web
and makes a beautiful sound
when plucked like a guitar string

your hand may be attracted
to its shine and glimmer
but it is not moving without
some gentle songs and words

it is a dream and yet tangible
its a smoke screen made of steel
and it protects a heart of gold
that is willing despite its dents

walk softly and sure
make your intentions pure
and at the end of the day
all her light will shine your way.

Wednesday, April 9

That Moment

You know, casual encounters aren't really casual people, there is an investment to each action you take in your life. When you engage in a "now" situation, it may bring on a cost that results in a terminal withdrawal of your energy. So, yea that one drink, smoke, denial, lie, rendezvous, purchase, slap, etc. may serve you in the moment, but what is it going to cost you down the line?

Todays ponderation, for me, "What am I doing right now, that is going to pay off in my future?"

Wednesday, February 12

WORD du jour - excrement...

AS a good mother, I have started a project/discipline, word of the day. Armed with the children's dictionary, I have set forth, using a white board, the word is written out including definition, spanish equivalent underneath, and attempting EDUCATIon! (i think...)

Today, the son and I were running late. AND we had a young man, a neighbor, riding along with us, SO, we started with the word of the day in the car. NOW as most of you men folk know, boys (and men) are obsessed with POO... farts, burps, sticks, stones and POO. Today's word, categorical, was up for discussion, definition and use but in the meantime, someHOW, this conversation lead to the word TERD, and then... poo, OF COURSE!

So this clever mom says, if you can't concentrate on the word of the day then you have to find a word that means POO for EVERY LETTER OF THE ALPHABET! (and away we go!) And so it began, thankfully it was a short ride to school... blessed thankful heavens!

How many can YOU name? Think about it! It actually isn't as hard as you might imagine... Consider yourself challenged!

My fav of course is DUNG... yea baby...

Monday, February 10


I took this picture for a friend of mine, or someone I thought was my friend. You can tell by the look in my eye what that feeling was about.

 Ty for always being so fun. Ty for your generosity when I met you. Thanks for your patience with me, and bless your path forward. I hope the rewards you seek come to you in abundance, my dear friend, W

xo - Mermaid mel....

Daily Reflections

I always loved the "Daily Reflections of Jack Handy" on SNL... and now that FB has plucked the last of my tolerant short hairs, I will write here where it matters, to ME. Daily or weekly reflections.

I don't want a huge audience. I am guided to write things that come into my perspective that may help someone somewhere when they are feeling the same way, and need someone to hear or listen.  Just be able to say what is in my heart and mind without a lot of rhetorical analytical arm chair warriors dissecting it.

Welcome. Enjoy, or leave. Destruction isn't part of this playground, thanks for respecting that.

Tuesday, January 21


You know,  I often wonder how many parents are forcing on their children their own personal dreams. Living this close to LA, i imagine a LOT of them are pushing their kids into "acting".

This is  a sad sad thing in my mind.

Tuesday, January 14

Inside me?

The level of energy/insanity that comes out of a 10 year old child sets me on EDGE. I love having wonderful energy in morning, but when it becomes a tornado of chaos, it pushes me to the reactionary place... and the more you try to control it, the worse it gets.

You can't ignore it because its a life force energy. You can't quiet it because its a life force energy. You can't escape it when you live in one room. What is it inside me that feels so unsettled about it?

I wish I had 8 hours a day to contemplate things, hell I would settle for 2 hours a day of silence, my location and my house and my situation provide no privacy or silence. This has to change for the good of mankind!!!! lol

Monday, January 13

Your spiritual journey should NOT begin with a Doughnut

After a long visit with my family in Texas, well, even before that, I realized that my spiritual life is sadly lacking. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am NOT talking about religion or god or even Buddha… I am talking about the spiritual path I am on with my humanity and the world around me. I have lost that faith in myself and the faith in the world. And that isn’t working for me.

Changes happen everyday, we walk, we talk, we fall, we rise, we live. Its part of our connection, our human experience. I have a serious internal naïve ignorance of my true self, which includes a part of me that wants to die. THAT has to end, and it will, how fast I don’t have any clue, but this path has begun again for me. Choices are being made as we breathe into this moment here.

Today’s spiritual path started with a doughnut!! Doughnuts are definitely one of the devil’s tools that puts a fog in our minds and bodies. (Homer Simpson drool and doughnut moan here). I have no clue to the solid attraction other than, its gluten, its sugar, it’s a finger food, its better when it’s warm, ie: holy crap, it’s a deity! Mixed with coffee, we expose the raging over reactive ‘aholics in all of us… NOT a good thing.

So, in light of this realization, I, the square woman of the edge of the continent, paradise, usa, deny the power of the doughnut over me.. (past this point of course). I am on a path of healing, and its time for gluten and sugar to get BEHIND me.. not in my behind. or my brain, or my thighs or arms or in my BELLY.

I am loved… by me to be free of this temptation, once and for all. This step has been taken to free myself .

Monday, December 16

This time Last Year.

This time last year i was going through all my belongings deciding what would be best to keep and what would be best to let go of. I let go of 70% of my belongings at that time, and sadly, got some taken from me in the move.

Or should I say move? It was more of a forceable exit from where I had been living for over 4 years. I invited a woman into my house that brought us all down, and I don't blame her for it. I think everything happens for a reason. I just wish I had been a bit more proactive and aggressive about the situation as a whole... I went through a rough 8 months of that coexistence.

I knew after 1 month of her being there it was NOT going to work out and asked her to leave within 60 days. I was faced with a personality that said, "You are going to have to take me to court to get me out". So that is how it began, and it took  months from the written notice to get her forced out of the apartment. With 2 "to be forced" exits halted through the court system.

I was lead to the edge of hope so many times in that 8 months only to have the door slammed in my face and sealed shut with super glue, leaving me to find yet ANOTHER way to exit... OVER and OVER and OVER again... 6 times in 8 months only to eventually be pushed out the door of this apartment 10 days after Christmas. What a huge nightmare that was... having a holiday garage sale in the rain, trying to make some money so I could store my belongings. Deciding what we needed to keep, what to leave behind, etc. Honestly, I wasn't too upset about that. I don't mind shedding weight and lightening the load. Life isn't about "things", but kids have a different perspective as they aren't as experienced in the weight of possessions, and carrying them with you on the road.

So this begins our little story. I am going to try and do this in a series. I don't even know what sparked me today to begin this... I am off to do an outline and try to keep this thing linear and process what has happened between then and now. Maybe it will help some people survive their stint with homelessness. I know of one lady right now that has 3 kids and is out on the streets. She hasn't disclosed why, but i feel for her. Christmas without a home is a lonely feeling.

More to come.

Sunday, December 15


The world is continually defining how things are or how they should be. What is the real truth?

Is it better to stick to your beliefs, despite developed definitions to the contrary? I have no idea why I have done half the things I have in my life. I don't always question my actions as I know that most times pure faith is all I have to go on. Its gotten me where I am with what I have and that is a good thing.

Don't you understand that from the day I met you i have felt your movements? I know when you are sad, angry or even having sex, and its hard for me. I wish to cut it off, but then again, I need to be your friend because I love you.

Whats best for you, find that, do that, be that... I have to figure out my side of things, but what I stated above? thats fact. for me. If i need to go, and thats best for you, thats what will be.

Define THAT!

Wednesday, December 11


I work.. and work and work.. and work. I am rarely ahead of the game, because something comes up and throws me back in the mud. Honestly I am so tired of fighting, I would rather just lay down and die today.

Parenting is work, work is work, walking right now is even work! just work... and work more. No matter how grateful I am for the work, I feel like I have a shovel and all i am really doing is digging a grave.


Wednesday, December 4

It Begins!

Today is the day. So here I am, topic undecided, premise is set to “just start”.

I have been challenged to start writing again by a friend of mine I met online YEARS ago. He complimented me on an entry I wrote about one of my favorite musicians. He said, “Wow, you can write. Why aren’t you writing more?” I don’t know! giggle... I made a reconnection with him two weeks ago, and he agreed to check in with me once a week so he could help me out. But after thinking about it, and seeing that he missed our first session, if I wait for him then NOTHING will move forward. As the good fatherluke suggested, “No more excuses. Just start writing”.

That being said, I am “topic-less”. It is suggested that I write about my being a single mom, and the struggles with that. My favorite topics are music and art, as I can never get enough of either. The last two YEARS of my life have been a HUGE transition for me, and that would be a great experiment in gratitude, allowing myself to be more humble, and giving advice in how I survived them. And in my heart of hearts, I would love to see society heal itself from the ills of the world, the lies, the hatred, the bigotry, and learn to be free to allow peace and prosperity for all, so I would be writing self healing methods and measures.  

Truthfully, it could be about ALL of that. I think my biggest desire of all is to be completely honest and open, without fear of exposure. In the end, I am all I have to count on so why shouldn’t I build a base of self-assurance and move forward from there? 

So here we go. Thanks to all that are willing to take this trip with me by spending time reading my brain attack diversions!