There are many ways of breaking a heart. Stories were full of hearts broken by love,
but what really broke a heart was taking away its dream - whatever that dream might be.
Pearl S. Buck

Saturday, December 6

Arguments

Disagree
Agree
Words
they leave us

primal
fearful
scared
we react in kind

heart
hugs
compassion
come in forms

denial
escape
ignorance
your choices here

light
forgiveness
movement
i become alive

you
forgotten
misinformed
keep choosing. maybe.

conference
confidence
companionship
awaits me away from you.

FIRE

Your light
reminds me of
what i care to forget

your flame
grows silently higher
consuming the purpose

your heat
expands outward
mesmerizing cold bodies

eyes gleaming
from the scent
of the times
here and spent

fire burning down
fire flows around
bodies reaching out
to a smoking pyre

when the fire dies
we are left with ashes
praying for rain
to wash away the stench

and it has rained
the fire is out
the life is awakening
the fire lottery awaits.












Desert

What do I do in this lifetime?
How do I talk to the ones I love
There is something going down
And i don’t know how to go

forward from this fog
you chose another day
i wont be here when the train
comes back to the station

where you and I met
there isn’t a way back
you made me second
i wont forget that

friends or not you have
not been honest with me
by not being honest with yourself.
hide and seek isn’t coy

its the game of a little boy
trying to reach something
he was never meant to have
i walk.. further towards a smile

One that greets me in
a life that has sunshine
and people that allow
me to be in their confidences.

Ego and pride
they are side by side
in the way of love
i will never be able

to heal you or us
as you chose to let us die
and then another life 

goes sliding by.. and we wait. 

Monday, September 29

Dreams of Hollywood

Tonight’s dream had a shower, and then I was in Hollywood again. I was with a man that another friend of mine wanted to be with. She had to sons and was hitting on him while he and I were somewhere together. I had already felt that he wouldn’t be a match for me. but She had two sons that were very difficult and I felt that he would be a great father, so in my mind in the dream, he was perfect for her. Even though I desired the same thing I realized it wouldn’t be fair for anyone if I lied about my feelings just to have security. I was in a restaurant in Hollywood and there were some famous people there, and groups of people gawking at them. It was a concept restaurant where the middle of the place was lined with booths that went along a famous route (why famous I don’t remember but I think it had something to do with motorcycles).


I walked to the back of the restaurant and there was a man there I had known. He was standing as still as a statue (It looked like Donald B. to me) he was staring at me. I think he didn’t even realize he was staring at me until I said his name then he went all “actor” and went into some kind of act. It was a very odd feeling.

What i do find interesting about my dreams.. Lots of bathroom scenes.. and parking lot themes. I often wonder why that is. I also dreamt of Oprah Winfrey for MONTHS before coming to Santa Barbara... I think that I am going to have to move to Hollywood at some point... sigh. I sure don't like that idea. :(

Monday, September 15

Invisible Sigh

For so long now
aching for peace
in my heart 

the invisible sigh

coming over me
is the cloud
darkening hope again

the invisible sigh

when the voice
said you were mine
i never had doubts

the invisible sigh

belief of you
the hope rang
despite broken promises

the invisible sigh

i trusted in you
words indifferent
proof of depth

the invisible sigh

you walked towards
shiny distracting birds
I become memory

the invisible sigh

my heart is yours
i can let it go 
finding feet forward

the invisible sigh

a new heart
for me will be
delivered as a gift

the invisible sigh

truth will arrive
embracing hope
letting it fly again

the invisible sigh

egg laid gently
into the nest
born into season

the invisible sigh

and the wings
flutter past you
as an invisible sigh. 

Wednesday, August 20

Out of the Cave - Poem written 2005

i heard some words today
that came out of my mouth
surprising i had become her
that woman i didn't know at all

a woman who had to run
as soon as the door opened
for her that road was the only way
she had to leave that place

he kept her lonely and captive
in a dream that turned stale
and a life that was a prison
and he was the guard

you can never say love
is a mistake that you made
it is the heart you have and
shared with trust and compassion

as he walked across that line
to make my heart a piece of trash
i made a cave and crawled inside.
sat in the dark staring at the spark

i have never made a move again
to love or make a love interest.
i can love you with all my heart
but know this now any one

this fence may seem delicate
but it is strong like a web
and makes a beautiful sound
when plucked like a guitar string

your hand may be attracted
to its shine and glimmer
but it is not moving without
some gentle songs and words

it is a dream and yet tangible
its a smoke screen made of steel
and it protects a heart of gold
that is willing despite its dents

walk softly and sure
make your intentions pure
and at the end of the day
all her light will shine your way.

Wednesday, April 9

That Moment

You know, casual encounters aren't really casual people, there is an investment to each action you take in your life. When you engage in a "now" situation, it may bring on a cost that results in a terminal withdrawal of your energy. So, yea that one drink, smoke, denial, lie, rendezvous, purchase, slap, etc. may serve you in the moment, but what is it going to cost you down the line?

Todays ponderation, for me, "What am I doing right now, that is going to pay off in my future?"

Wednesday, February 12

WORD du jour - excrement...

AS a good mother, I have started a project/discipline, word of the day. Armed with the children's dictionary, I have set forth, using a white board, the word is written out including definition, spanish equivalent underneath, and attempting EDUCATIon! (i think...)

Today, the son and I were running late. AND we had a young man, a neighbor, riding along with us, SO, we started with the word of the day in the car. NOW as most of you men folk know, boys (and men) are obsessed with POO... farts, burps, sticks, stones and POO. Today's word, categorical, was up for discussion, definition and use but in the meantime, someHOW, this conversation lead to the word TERD, and then... poo, OF COURSE!

So this clever mom says, if you can't concentrate on the word of the day then you have to find a word that means POO for EVERY LETTER OF THE ALPHABET! (and away we go!) And so it began, thankfully it was a short ride to school... blessed thankful heavens!

How many can YOU name? Think about it! It actually isn't as hard as you might imagine... Consider yourself challenged!

My fav of course is DUNG... yea baby...

Monday, February 10

Me

I took this picture for a friend of mine, or someone I thought was my friend. You can tell by the look in my eye what that feeling was about.

 Ty for always being so fun. Ty for your generosity when I met you. Thanks for your patience with me, and bless your path forward. I hope the rewards you seek come to you in abundance, my dear friend, W

xo - Mermaid mel....

Daily Reflections

I always loved the "Daily Reflections of Jack Handy" on SNL... and now that FB has plucked the last of my tolerant short hairs, I will write here where it matters, to ME. Daily or weekly reflections.

I don't want a huge audience. I am guided to write things that come into my perspective that may help someone somewhere when they are feeling the same way, and need someone to hear or listen.  Just be able to say what is in my heart and mind without a lot of rhetorical analytical arm chair warriors dissecting it.

Welcome. Enjoy, or leave. Destruction isn't part of this playground, thanks for respecting that.


Tuesday, January 21

Acting

You know,  I often wonder how many parents are forcing on their children their own personal dreams. Living this close to LA, i imagine a LOT of them are pushing their kids into "acting".

This is  a sad sad thing in my mind.

Tuesday, January 14

Inside me?

The level of energy/insanity that comes out of a 10 year old child sets me on EDGE. I love having wonderful energy in morning, but when it becomes a tornado of chaos, it pushes me to the reactionary place... and the more you try to control it, the worse it gets.

You can't ignore it because its a life force energy. You can't quiet it because its a life force energy. You can't escape it when you live in one room. What is it inside me that feels so unsettled about it?

I wish I had 8 hours a day to contemplate things, hell I would settle for 2 hours a day of silence, my location and my house and my situation provide no privacy or silence. This has to change for the good of mankind!!!! lol


Monday, January 13

Your spiritual journey should NOT begin with a Doughnut

After a long visit with my family in Texas, well, even before that, I realized that my spiritual life is sadly lacking. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am NOT talking about religion or god or even Buddha… I am talking about the spiritual path I am on with my humanity and the world around me. I have lost that faith in myself and the faith in the world. And that isn’t working for me.

Changes happen everyday, we walk, we talk, we fall, we rise, we live. Its part of our connection, our human experience. I have a serious internal naïve ignorance of my true self, which includes a part of me that wants to die. THAT has to end, and it will, how fast I don’t have any clue, but this path has begun again for me. Choices are being made as we breathe into this moment here.

Today’s spiritual path started with a doughnut!! Doughnuts are definitely one of the devil’s tools that puts a fog in our minds and bodies. (Homer Simpson drool and doughnut moan here). I have no clue to the solid attraction other than, its gluten, its sugar, it’s a finger food, its better when it’s warm, ie: holy crap, it’s a deity! Mixed with coffee, we expose the raging over reactive ‘aholics in all of us… NOT a good thing.

So, in light of this realization, I, the square woman of the edge of the continent, paradise, usa, deny the power of the doughnut over me.. (past this point of course). I am on a path of healing, and its time for gluten and sugar to get BEHIND me.. not in my behind. or my brain, or my thighs or arms or in my BELLY.


I am loved… by me to be free of this temptation, once and for all. This step has been taken to free myself .

Monday, December 16

This time Last Year.

This time last year i was going through all my belongings deciding what would be best to keep and what would be best to let go of. I let go of 70% of my belongings at that time, and sadly, got some taken from me in the move.

Or should I say move? It was more of a forceable exit from where I had been living for over 4 years. I invited a woman into my house that brought us all down, and I don't blame her for it. I think everything happens for a reason. I just wish I had been a bit more proactive and aggressive about the situation as a whole... I went through a rough 8 months of that coexistence.

I knew after 1 month of her being there it was NOT going to work out and asked her to leave within 60 days. I was faced with a personality that said, "You are going to have to take me to court to get me out". So that is how it began, and it took  months from the written notice to get her forced out of the apartment. With 2 "to be forced" exits halted through the court system.

I was lead to the edge of hope so many times in that 8 months only to have the door slammed in my face and sealed shut with super glue, leaving me to find yet ANOTHER way to exit... OVER and OVER and OVER again... 6 times in 8 months only to eventually be pushed out the door of this apartment 10 days after Christmas. What a huge nightmare that was... having a holiday garage sale in the rain, trying to make some money so I could store my belongings. Deciding what we needed to keep, what to leave behind, etc. Honestly, I wasn't too upset about that. I don't mind shedding weight and lightening the load. Life isn't about "things", but kids have a different perspective as they aren't as experienced in the weight of possessions, and carrying them with you on the road.

So this begins our little story. I am going to try and do this in a series. I don't even know what sparked me today to begin this... I am off to do an outline and try to keep this thing linear and process what has happened between then and now. Maybe it will help some people survive their stint with homelessness. I know of one lady right now that has 3 kids and is out on the streets. She hasn't disclosed why, but i feel for her. Christmas without a home is a lonely feeling.

More to come.

Sunday, December 15

Definition

The world is continually defining how things are or how they should be. What is the real truth?

Is it better to stick to your beliefs, despite developed definitions to the contrary? I have no idea why I have done half the things I have in my life. I don't always question my actions as I know that most times pure faith is all I have to go on. Its gotten me where I am with what I have and that is a good thing.

Don't you understand that from the day I met you i have felt your movements? I know when you are sad, angry or even having sex, and its hard for me. I wish to cut it off, but then again, I need to be your friend because I love you.

Whats best for you, find that, do that, be that... I have to figure out my side of things, but what I stated above? thats fact. for me. If i need to go, and thats best for you, thats what will be.

Define THAT!

Wednesday, December 11

RUNNING IN MUD

I work.. and work and work.. and work. I am rarely ahead of the game, because something comes up and throws me back in the mud. Honestly I am so tired of fighting, I would rather just lay down and die today.

Parenting is work, work is work, walking right now is even work! just work... and work more. No matter how grateful I am for the work, I feel like I have a shovel and all i am really doing is digging a grave.

tiring.

Wednesday, December 4

It Begins!

Today is the day. So here I am, topic undecided, premise is set to “just start”.

I have been challenged to start writing again by a friend of mine I met online YEARS ago. He complimented me on an entry I wrote about one of my favorite musicians. He said, “Wow, you can write. Why aren’t you writing more?” I don’t know! giggle... I made a reconnection with him two weeks ago, and he agreed to check in with me once a week so he could help me out. But after thinking about it, and seeing that he missed our first session, if I wait for him then NOTHING will move forward. As the good fatherluke suggested, “No more excuses. Just start writing”.

That being said, I am “topic-less”. It is suggested that I write about my being a single mom, and the struggles with that. My favorite topics are music and art, as I can never get enough of either. The last two YEARS of my life have been a HUGE transition for me, and that would be a great experiment in gratitude, allowing myself to be more humble, and giving advice in how I survived them. And in my heart of hearts, I would love to see society heal itself from the ills of the world, the lies, the hatred, the bigotry, and learn to be free to allow peace and prosperity for all, so I would be writing self healing methods and measures.  

Truthfully, it could be about ALL of that. I think my biggest desire of all is to be completely honest and open, without fear of exposure. In the end, I am all I have to count on so why shouldn’t I build a base of self-assurance and move forward from there? 


So here we go. Thanks to all that are willing to take this trip with me by spending time reading my brain attack diversions!

Tuesday, December 3

BUTT... you dialed me~

You know bb…. SO good hearing your voice and hearing you just “live”! What I wouldn’t give to see that in person again; a smile and a sweet conversation.


Yea.. more stuff like that!

Friday, November 22

Cutting Edge

My friend, a cornerstone of my adult life, sent me a form called "My Cutting Edge". I met her through a self help seminar, and we have been buds ever since. Same quirky humor, positive outlook, life on the cuff sort of way. She is awesome.

Anywhoodledoo... this form is to lay out areas you are polishing up in your life. Its a good little piece of work for me to use while i go forward on this "healthier me" path. Honestly, when I look in the mirror and reflect what I have done to this poor vessel over the years, I look pretty good! I mean it could be a LOT worse... believe me.

So i am grateful for time, for healing, and for better choices. And gratitude for the remaining festive insanity I have come to enjoy about being alive and fairly comedic. 'Cuz if you don't laugh, you are likely to kill somebody... RIGHT?

Cutting edge: With each choice I make in eating or spending, I am aware and not reactionary.

Tuesday, November 19

i am NOT second string

I would never do to you what you have done. whats even weirder is that you don't see you are doing anything, as you deny feelings.

be well... im not a dolly on your "party line"... if i mean more then there will be more. if not? then i am free to find a soul that wants to respect their feelings for me.

Monday, November 18

Passive Aggressive BS

FRACKENDOODLEY Noodle head...

I swear this passive aggressive shit is pathetic! I am beyond done with it. Its like a second nature calling to me. How do I find tools to disavow that element?

Once its done you can't take it back either... bleh. HELP!!!!!!!

Has it been a means for me to get by for so long I have forgotten all other methods of communication?

I feel overwhelmed ALL OF THE TIME. I sit and release this pressure and try to center still my mind is clogged with it. I am in too small a space with bad energy.

Is all of life counting minutes till something better comes along? I try to laugh at all things and be light. Not always easy.

Saturday, November 16

Toxic Relationship

Today I read this line;

"It sounds like someone stuck in a toxic relationship."

Those words made me stop everything I was doing, and sit down.

There are no mistakes or real mysteries in this world if we just clue in to the nuance. I am currently being forced to focus on the toxic relationships in my life. I believe that the most toxic is the relationship I have with myself. Why am I cutting off my desires, and my abilities by design? In many ways...

Focusing on relationships that ARENT working, focusing on pain instead of the pleasure, focusing on what I did wrong instead of what I have done right?

I am reminded so often during the days of my life the impact my creativity has on others. I am not a prideful being or even boasting about it. In my mind its just what I do, like the baker bakes, the seamstress sews, a grocer sells groceries, etc. I also believe a little self criticism is just a tool to make your work ever evolving and fresh. But I think that my inability to treat myself with kindness and awareness that I deserve self love with out thinking its indulgent is holding steady.

A friend of mine keeps reassuring me of my evolution and how far I have come in so little a time, that I believe. The attitude I have after passing through the burning gates of the last few years, is actually pretty amazing. Why can't I just allow myself happiness there?

Ok, I have put it out there. Toxic Relationship = Me, time to move this around. And it will shift to another area if I can not just heal it. ty for all your loving vibes around this.

Wednesday, November 13

How is it?

That I have gotten to this point in life and still feel so fucking confused!

I think that maybe I haven't been able to embrace all that there is to ME. I am stuck in a place where I am trying to get. Who am I? What have I become?

I know what I want, but i also know that most of the time what I want isn't good for me. Freakin life becomes a struggle to put in front of yourself continuously the joy of accepting what you have because you know thats what you need.

Hedonism. I would love for a few days but get so BORED with it. Refocus! Refocus, Refocus.

I need a STUDIO!!!!!!!! That would keep me occupied.

Thursday, November 7

You Came

We were sitting at a table by the water, under an umbrella. You had come to see me and the first thing you said to me was, I want to explain why I haven't been around much the last year.

Sweet Relief! I don't even remember very much of what you said past that point, as I was watching your face and reading your lips. It was a beautiful clear day, you had on a hat and sunglasses. Amazingly Amazing to see you so open and talking to me. I was just grateful and happy.

Monday, November 4

Pledge



















I don't want be with another person who would intentionally try to make me feel weak for the choices I have made to save my own life and sanity. A person that would try to sabotage me to justify their own insecurities. In addition, I don't want you to suffer anymore. I want to be there as your best friend to help put the bandaids on the hurt places and be there to laugh and smile when the scab finally disappears.

Lets be friends and have FUN without knowing where it is going or defining what it "could be". Like we are seeing the world fresh and no one can rob us of that feeling, because we pledged to not let them.

Friday, November 1

Ordering her about

Last night I had a dream about you... We were at a banquet. I was going to have to provide the food for the next round of people. I didn't know how I was going to afford it, but it was my turn to pony up so I accepted the challenge and made a list. Meat on the grill, fresh veggies, etc. There was a large group of people there too. 

You and I had a hotel room and you were ordering me around like a hooker. Do this don't do that... scrub my ass with that body scrub, now wipe it off... etc... I wasn't so upset by this as sad. When I looked into your eyes I could see your sorrow and your anger. I complied with your wishes. In saying, for now I will accept this, FOR NOW, but you have to heal yourself, boobah. There is no need for such deep anger, nor taking it out on me. It will only damage our friendship. You huffed like a mighty wolf/dragon... and then you looked at me and cried. 

Many other things were totally interesting in this dream but i wanted to write this section out. I am going out to find my peace and my souls happiness... i cherish you. But i wont be your whipping post because you feel insecure. You have NO reason to be insecure. much love to boobahs. keep it real brutha man. Im here for you dear one. keep your spikey boots outside the fence of our friendship. it will make things much smoother. xoxoox.

Wednesday, October 23

Unpacked

I think I finally have my place in a setup that my inner chi is happy with...

I am a being that if my home isn't properly custodial, i can NOT think... Chaos is already living inside my mind, so having it in my surroundings keeps the tornado whirling. Despite the advantage it MAY accidentally source my creativity, its NOT good to effective progression. Or consistent parenting... which i suck at but its my goal to keep moving towards it.

Now to do a bit of feng shui, as my bathroom is in the "wealth" sector, then BAM. Presto changito, i can move freely among my "stuff" and not be stopped every 2 feet by a box of legos, dirty clothes or unpacked office supplies!!!!!

Work is going to be MIGHTY for me this year.. BONUS, and i want to be able to just sit and create.. or stand and create, or do yoga and visualize and then create, without worrying about "what is going to happen now".

Karma? are we good? Yea. I think we are getting there.