There are many ways of breaking a heart. Stories were full of hearts broken by love,
but what really broke a heart was taking away its dream - whatever that dream might be.
Pearl S. Buck

Thursday, November 30

Time to pick up my guitar.

I miss listening to my fav station at work. If you haven't ever listened to RadioParadise, click the link on my sidebar. Great stuff. I can't even access the website to see the playlist. This really sucks. Truly. Its one of my lifelines, music is.

For now I have to listen to my I-Tunes. And I hate to keep listening to the same things over and over again! IE: I need new music suggestions! Currently in my changer is Steve Earl, Government Mule, Patty Griffin, new Bob Dylan, Nada Surf, Drive By Truckers, Sufjan Stephens, Black Keys, Old 97's (and more)... But I get bored easily, suggestions. I desire some new music. I am a voracious music person! And when I am going through a phase, music helps me through it. Something I haven't heard. Even if its local to you, give me the info! I like everything but rap. Oh and this NEW R&B... Give me old R&B everyday!

Thanks in advance for sharing your discoveries. Sighs. Expect some poetry this month, or song lyrics. :wink:

Wednesday, November 29

Satsuma Tangerine

Some days I wonder if I didn't grow up under a rock. I snuck a couple in my purse as I left my cousins house. They are a treat! Have you tried these little gems, the Satsuma?

mmmmmmmmmmmmmm sweet. And the skin on the sections is not as thick as oranges. My taste buds are happy today! I am not much of a tangerine eater, but these zipper skined orbs are just right for snacking.

Treat yourself to a basket. They make a great center piece, and you can eat them too! I am sure Martha has a recipe stashed somewhere for Satsuma Marmalade...

*wanders off to plan her next cooking adventure...*

Tuesday, November 28


So, I am a little blue today. Just because I thought something was one way, but it turns out it is another. So... give me a minute to pep up a little, regroup, and establish a proper footing to hike through the bullshit I have surrounded myself with.

I hate being stupid, gullable and idealistic. It attracts the selfish and self centered. Maybe mine is a standard I shouldn't place on others.

okay, melanie, GET OVER IT!

Monday, November 27

After Holiday Blues...

Its so hard to come back to work after a holiday weekend, isn't it!? I had a great Thanksgiving! I hope you all did too! So I am thankful for cousins that live in the canyons of malibu, and drive a porsche around those hills. Sighs. Its tough to come back to the semi-existant life after you see the rich at play! :lol:

Anyway... a short list of what I have to be thankful for.

• my kid ~ that repeats one sound over and over again until my aunt, who can't hear much anyway, says to him, if you say that one more time, I am going to come over there. (I said to her later, I was just letting him continue, cuz i wanted to see the old lady take down a three year old)

• my family ~ my cousin and his really cool wife have a great place up in the canyons of malibu, and are great hosts! Now that I have invaded once, I will invade again soon.

• my courage ~ to take my next to no money a** on a giant leap of faith moving to California in the first place! this month is the anniversary of my brass ball adventure! Yea me! (plus the courage it takes to be a single mom, and not kill yourself!)

• good health ~ for my family, and my friends! We are having a fairly good year on that count.

• my parents ~ without them, I would not be possible! nor would the grandson, or my brother or sister, or lots of great things they have provided.

• work ~ I like working, even when its a shitty job. Don't get me wrong there are days when I would rather be cleaning up the apartment, or sleeping rahter than sitting at this desk, but I am THANKFUL to have employment and great employment at that.

• this blog ~ gives me a community of fellow souls that have great imaginations, hearty senses of humor, and colorful insights. thanks for letting me share your lives.

And i would write a bluesy tune to go with the title, but I have a self evaluation to do for my job review... YIKES!

happy blissful after the holiday monday's to all that pass here. we can MAKE IT!

Wednesday, November 22

Baking for Malibu

The baking is done! Last night was "baking for Thanksgiving" night! I am off to the relatives casa in Malibu. I made Chocolate Pecan Pie that turned out beautifully. Pumpkin Bread, with golden raisins, dried cherries and almonds. Also, a Jeff Davis pie, which is actually a chess pie. Not sure about the pumpkin bread. Ended up making two loaves. For some reason it didn't cook just right. But tastes good anyway!

Now all I need is a turkey feast, and some vino! I am ready for the day, aren't You? Happy Thanksgiving all!

Tuesday, November 21


While living in Texas I only saw daddy long legged spiders. There were not many spiders in the house. But here in So Cal? Everywhere I turn I see another spider! Just so I can identify them, I am considering purchasing a Field Guide to Spiders. Or do some online research, Spiders of California. And here are some interesting links with photos... arachnid lovers!

I am not phobic about them. They don't really bother me too much except when I lay down to sleep, and start thinking. I think... the spiders may crawl up the comforter, you know, cuz the bed is so warm and cozy... EEEEEEKK. This type of thinking doesn't make for restful sleep. Oh well.

Can't you just feel it staring at you? saying... well, nothing! just waiting. and waiting. and waiting.

Monday, November 20

Time for Turkey!

So, I am not going to do a big "I am thankful" entry until Thursday. Tough it out, folkes. But I do have to be thankful for one thing. Thank you religious zealot puritans, er I mean Pilgrims, that were evicted, er um decided to go from England to the colonies. Thank you for finally becoming cozy with the natives, and sitting down for a feast! Because now, we have a short week, and a long weekend to relax, and imbibe.

Are your menus ready? And your pies cooked? And what about the bird? (I am not a vegetarian. I tried it, but... no offense my veggie eating comrades, I like meat. And we all have a purpose on this sphere.)

Okay, off to finish this 2 + 1/2 day work week! Have safe journey's, charge up your batteries on your camera, ready your pie crusts, and chill the vino! its CHOW TIME!

gobble gobble...

Friday, November 17

The bees have it. the birds have it.

This poem was written for someone I thought was my friend. There was great poetry written during this time of my life. Check out dreamers kiss, if you like poetry. For some reason, in times of extreme, I have these poems that just fester, appearing to me in dreams. Coming to me in voices that seem to be outside of my body. In waves. All I have to do is get out the Thesauras and replace a few redundancies. And I am thankful.

This poem describes, to me, how chemistry is so important in a relationship. It flips on the glow light of your soul. It also presents a pure blissful agony associated with the beginning of a relationship. The seperation that pierces the balloon.

sighs. my friend, he is no longer in my life. as life goes on, so have we both. *goes to the yellow pages looking for a muse*.

Lets all have a weekend getting to know someone better. mmmmmmmeow!

The bees have it. the birds have it.

the body follows the scent of you
its longing takes its own directions
looking as it has not eaten for years
never been filled to satisfaction

i feel your body beside me in a dream
the warmth of its fur and energy
not moving towards me but with me.
learning its curves slowly with purpose.

i don't know if that dream will come
to my doorstep or in my window.
or if it will always remain outside
looking up as a lover in despair.

but like a fool i will chance its time
keep my candle burning in the window
calling your spirit to join me here
in a dance that has already bound us

i want to melt into you, feel that heat
intent on your turns and troubles
wanting to aleviate your concerns
make you smile for an hour or so.

and let you show me there is hope
for anything beautiful to be alive
inside each others souls for now
winding ourselves tighter in that net.

memsahib © 2005

Thursday, November 16

This Job Rocks!

I don't even know if that phrase is still a valid, "cool" statement or not. But, it describes how I feel about my job. The people are amazing; Intelligent, witty, easy to get along with, free thinking, creators, from England, Germany, California, Texas, all over the place! The company makes Endoscopy equipment, light sources for the telescopes, and video recording/capturing of the procedures. I am not going to elaborate much more than that, for fear of losing you. This site explains the vet applications using our equipment.

We had our company meeting yesterday. Our company meetings are not slump in your chair, and drool trying to stay awake time. I was entertained! And rewarded.

First was the slide show with photoshop altered images of employees by my co-worker. heh! Then of course the business end, how the business was doing, with a few jokes thrown in! Amazing minds here.

Then, the founder of our division of the company talked to us about the new technologies the engineers were developing. It was amazing to watch (if you are a geek like me). Following that, one of the engineering departments did a skit showing the equipment in use, with a doctor (dr. hurts), a patient (that they actually did a pretend shaving on) and silent interns. And instead of a sedative IV it was a keg can of heinekin! heh!

The best news of all from the meeting? We are off for the Christmas Holidays! Two weeks! DaGUMMMMM!!!!!!!! I was tap dancing all the way to the car! (I had already planned on taking it off, but now, its paid for! righteous.)

This job is in the top five of things to be thankful for! Can I get an amen from the bobble heads? (I love that line).

Homeschoolers Meme

I have no half naked shots of me. You will have to wait on that mystery meat. And since I am on a Carb High from the Thursday pastry give away here at the job place, I had enough energy to copy a meme from Lael. I will try to get back to some serious posts by next week.

1. First name? Melanie (memsahib)
2. Were you named after anyone? Miss Mellie, from Gone with the Wind. I don't think I will ever live up to that shrine. Besides, Melanie is a greek name meaning black! Take that Shaniqua!
3. When did you last cry? I watched a strange film on TV last night, and cried when the little girl lost her baby.
4. Do you like your handwriting? its artistic, and illegible. yea. suits me.
5. What is your favourite luncheon meat? HA! cheese.
6. If you were another person, would you be friends with you? Yea. But i don't like the sound of my voice, it sounds kinda whiny outside me.
7. Do you keep a journal? Used to. Now I blog.
8. Do you still have your tonsils? No Way. Had them out when i was five.
9. Would you bungee jump? Only if a Gun was pointed at my head.
10. What is your favourite cereal? Cream of Wheat
11. Do you untie your shoes before you take them off? No. Not gonna do it!
12. Do you think you are strong? As in heavy lifting? yea. As in emotionally? Double hell yea.
13. What is your favourite ice cream flavour? Like I would have to pick. Depends on the day. You can never go wrong with vanilla, though. or coffee.
14. Shoe size? when i was young, it was an 8, now its a 9.
15. Red or Pink? In Winter, red, in Spring and summer and fall, pink
16. What is your least favourite thing about yourself? I snore. I cuss. I laugh too much.
17. Who do you miss the most? My maid, no wait. i never had a maid! I would have to say myself. I seem to be missing.
18. Do you want everyone to send this back to you? no.
19. What colour pants, shirt, shoes are you wearing now?Dark jeans, Black T-shirt, my harley clogs, and purple undies and my red courderoy jacket...
20. Last thing you ate? carrot muffin
21. What are you listening to right now? Nada Surf
22. If you were a crayon, what colour would you be? Purple.
23. Favourite smells? Popcorn at the movie theater, Orange blossoms, lavender, and clean sheets.
24. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? My cool sistah!
25. First thing you notice about someone you are attracted to? Eyes. and thier smile.
26. Do you like the person you stole this from? stole? i think i would like her if i met her.
27. Favourite drink? Bourbon and sprite... and Water.
28. Favourite sport? today? Baseball
29. Eye colour? Blue
30. Hat size? not sure. dont like hats much
31. Do you wear contacts? Have them, mostly glasses
32. Favourite food? Cheese. (okay italian)
33. Scarey movies or happy endings? Happy endings
35. Summer or Winter? Spring
36. Hugs or Kisses? Same sex? Hugs. Opposite Sex? If your teeth are clean, kisses.
37. Favourite dessert? creme brulee
38. Who is the most likely to respond? Dont care
39. Who is the least likely to respond? See answer above.
40. What books are you reading? Nothing, just finished Shadowman. scary...
41. What's on your mousepad? Dont Use One.
42. What did you watch on telly last night? Deal or No Deal. then Medium!
43. Favourite sounds? Music, Ocean waves, children's laughter, the bowling alley, birds, and oh... silence.
44. Stones or Beatles? Beatles
45. The furthest you've been from home? England
46. What is your special talent? I am artistic, have a psychic intuition, and i can make people laugh

Okay. thanks for reading this through. If you are bored, or don't have time for a real entry, i invite you to share.

Wednesday, November 15

Colin F.

I am not the kind of person to be fasinated by celebrities. Nor do i find them particularly attractive because of their work/status. When I encounter them in real life, its more like, would they have anything truly interesting to say about something but themselves? In fact, all through my teenage years, I have been attracted to unusual famous people. I admittedly had a huge crush on Billy Preston in high school, along with Dan Fogelburg. And Riff Raff from Rocky Horror Picture show, because of course it was Tim Rice. (I am an extremist.) I also have a strange attraction to Tim Roth. And of course, Noel Gallagher.

The last couple of years, there is something about this man that attracts my senses. I fear he is a horrible kisser though. I try not to think about that as it would shatter my romantic illusions. Feel like revealing your own!? Do TELL!

oh and I do have an un-natural attraction to Mr. J. Depp, but that is another day. This is Colin's. HA!

Tuesday, November 14

Spell It

I am so busy at work today that I have to leave you with something else to do.

Word Shoot Out

is kinda fun! and it sharpens your typing skills. HA!

anyone got some mind numbing games they would like to share?

Monday, November 13


How can someone love me when I don't love myself? How? What makes up that kind of relationship? Not good... I am thinking, that is not good.

Friday, November 10

Deal or no Deal?

So... Howie and 26 models dressed in halter dresses. And one MILLION dollars on the line. Three nights a week. Doesn't Howie look kinda cute all shaved and a little soul patch?

Are you watching this show? If you aren't , don't start. that's all I am gonna say about it!

:whispers: can't wait to see what the gamblin woman from Iowa is going to do on Monday. HA!

Thursday, November 9

The Poop

So, many of you readers know I have a son. He is three. He is NOT potty trained yet. Will NOT use the "potty". He is TERRIFIED of his own bowel movements! When he does have a movement, will hide in a quiet spot while his face gets red... and he does the typical sounds. I ask him, are you pooping? He says no as he grunts. And then happy bouncy boy when its passed! This movement is a powerful force in nature. Powerful.

Last night he got into his nice warm bubble bath, totally relaxed, and into the tub it went. He was beside himself! "Poop in the tub" he starts screaming and crying, practically mames the little german soldier to get out of the tub. It was all I could do to not laugh out loud at him. Instead I used calming gentle words, let him stand next to me and watch as I emptied the tub, and removed the aggressor log! Then I sat him on the potty explained why people use the potty, and that is where everyone's poop goes.

I am not interested in forcing him to "do it" on the toilet. I mean who needs therapy over a bowel movement. Its going to have to be a gradual process. But hell, does anyone have tips? I don't want him to have candy as a reward. A friend suggested cookies. I think that is a good idea. My thoughts are bribery is the only answer. He seems to take to that. And it may balance out his irrational thoughts of the demon "poop".

You know its an important step in life to be able to flush your poop away. And I am ready to get him to the "next level". Pampers has enough of my hard earned cash!

Tuesday, November 7

Wednesday Will

So it's hump day, and I am behind schedule for almost everything. I don't have time to make a long and exciting verbalization of my tedious existance, so I thought this would be a good opportunity to lay down some laughter!

Okay. I don't particularly like Will Ferrell, but somethings he does are actually quite freakin hilarious! The Phantom of the Opera is one of them. BTW did Adam Sandler start someting so long ago when he was Opera man?

The other is Commander and Chief of the World... giggles. "Growing out my Soul Patch" that totally cracks me up! We need nature to cooperate with us... Ha!

Enjoy the show. Everyone needs a laugh now and zen... :wink:


It's the right of almost every man and woman over the age of 18 to vote. A privelege. Do you understand how powerful it CAN be? I have a friend that told me once, my vote won't count, so I don't vote. I think that is an ignorant statement. And, even though I don't have very much faith in our current system of voting, that is not going to stop me from trying. After watching a short documentary film on HBO the other night called Hacking Democracy, I have serious doubts about the voting machines. But what else do we have?

I was reading over my sample ballet this morning. Since this will be my first time to vote in California, I wanted to familiarize myself with the "lay of the land" (Actually I have been reading the general election book a bit too... GEEK!) As I was looking at this, I thought, since I don't know anything about some of these candidates, would I vote for them by name or career choices? I feel like I am at the Race Track, trying to pick a winner by description on a page only!

Anyway, Here are the Candidates for Govenor:
Phil Angelides ~ Treasurer of State of CA ~ Democrat
Arnold Schwartzenegger ~ Gov ~ Republican
Art Oliver ~ Engineer ~ Libertarian
Janice Jordan ~ Counselor ~ Peace & Freedom
Peter Miguel Camejo ~ Financial Advister ~ Green
Edward C. Noonan ~ Computer Shop Owner ~ American Independant

hm... I am inclined to vote for the Comp. Shop Owner here... But I do like the sound of Art Oliver... Nice name!

And even more interesting, the Lieutentant Governer Candidates:
Lynette Shaw ~ Caregiver/Musician ~ Libertarian
Jim King ~ Real Estate Broker ~ American Independant
Jon Garamendi ~ CA State Insurance Commissioner
Tom McClintock ~ CA State Senator ~ Republican
Donna J. Warren ~ Financial Manager/Author ~ Green
Stewart A. Aleander ~ Automobile Sales Consultant ~ Peace & Freedom

and on this list? I would be inclined to vote Libertarian or Green party. (I wish more people would steer away from the two main political groups, but have a feeling that is a long time coming. Maybe my son's generation.)

Oh, get this. In California, there is a proposition up for Vote, Prop. 86, to raise the taxes on cigarettes by $2.40 a pack! $2.40 YIKES! Do they not understand that the rich aren't big smokers? And that by raising the taxes on cigarettes all they are doing is promoting crime!? That tax money isn't going to help the non-sm0kers anymore than it might help control smoking in young people. Yea, you should read the propoganda on that one.

Sighs. In a perfect world, there would be no need for governing of the people. In MY perfect world, we would all respect each other as being different, and yet the same. And treat each other with kindness and dignity. Give when we can, take when it is offered. We are all cut from the same stuff, no matter what our life experience. We all need healthy food, clean water for drinking, and clean air in our lungs. Having those things shouldn't be better for some and worse for others. But that is MY idealistic dream.

Get out there and vote people. I could use so much propaganda here ie: "Many a good men died so you could have that privelage." Or, "If you don't vote, you have no one but yourself to blame when things are not as you like them." But that's below my fine readers! Sharpen your pencils/computer skills, and Just Vote! You know you want to... ;-)

edit: added note: back from voting, and this was on my ballot as a city issue.
Shall the city of SB adopt an ordinance mandating that the SB Police give State and Federal marijuana laws the lowest law enforcement priority possible?

like i had to think about that one more than one second... giggles.

Monday, November 6


So Citizen has placed the definition of meh on his site. I think it describes exactly how i feel on Mondays.

I used to like them as a child! Sound crazy? Going to school meant getting out of the house, and hanging out with my friends. And the library! sighs. The library. I don't go there enough. I have recently started reading novels again. Its been a few years actually since I did much reading.

Here is the one I just finished, that my daycare provider lent to me. Shadowman. A real eerie pageturner mystery. Watch for this guy. And now that I live in California, I can relate to the location references. Cool.

Now that I am done, I want to find a new one! Whats everyone reading?

Friday, November 3

Living with Ghosts

Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back to loneliness.
Maya Angelou

Today this phrase/title, Living with Ghosts, came to me as i sat down to work. I am reflecting on a late night conversation. One I am not sure that I made myself clear enough in. One of the resons is I find myself living my life in the past, past experiences and past choices that reflect in a tired single mom's speech when she can't possibly have one more conversation that reflects her intelligence. Each day is an opportunity to pull myself out of that wreckage by choices. Choices in each moment. Like continuing to breath... yea that is a choice I have to make some days. The older we get, the more the floor is covered with the past, and the more I have to scuffle through the scraps of memontos and place it in the right files... making sure to pick up all the little post its, moments of sorrow, organizing it so I dont have to come back to it AGAIN! Some days, I just dont want to look at it. Those are the days I retreat into someone elses words to find comfort. (can i tell you how much i miss painting! my therapy is on hiatus. Not for long).

The album Living with Ghosts is fabulous. If you like Patty Griffin, or even if you don't, pick up a copy of this one. The lyrics are amazing. The songs on here to me seem transitionally based. Some people may find her to be a bit depressing. I find that listening to the insights of someone who so eloquently puts pain into small digestable rivers of vision feeds my own transitional fears and soothes the doubts in a comforting process. You know, like music always does? Do you love Patty or what?

It's funny how a morning turns a love to shame
Disguised and disfigured and you thought I tasted like rain
There`s nothing here but a shadow nothin here
Now you know
Now you know
Now you know
Now you know
There's nothin here but the shadow, and now you know

I spit, I spit in the eye
I tear, I tear out my heart
and I scatter the bits
I stay unseen by the light
I stay untold by the truth
I'm sold by a lie
By this I am able in all of my travels
To make these memories quit
But tonight I clearly recall every little bit

I can chew like a cannibal
I can yell like a cat
I even had you believing that I really really like it like that
But there was never a moment
Not a moment
Now you know
Now you know
Now you know
Now you know
You ever got within a hundred million miles of my soul

I spit, I spit in the eye
I tear, I tear out my heart
And I scatter the bits
I stay unseen by the light
I stay untold by the truth
I'm sold by a lie
By this I am able in all of my travels
To make these memories quit
But tonight I clearly recall every little bit

You left open the window till the morning
And the winter walked in
Reality fired her wooden bullet
Splintered under our skin
They say I'm walking on freedom
This is freedom
Now I know
Now I know
Now I know
Now I know
I still don't blame you for leaving,baby
It's cold living with ghosts

I spit, I spit in the eye
I tear, I tear out my heart
and I scatter the bits
I stay unseen by the light
I stay untold by the truth
I'm sold by a lie
By this I am able in all of my travels
To make these memories quit
But tonight I clearly recall every little bit

Every Little Bit ~ Patty Griffin

Deep cleansing breaths... I need to go and do some watercolors. You all have a pleasant weekend, make memories that don't have to be swept up and organized. Memories that hang on the wall. Beautiful pictures to look at in your golden years. Life is too short to be a janitor in your own body all the time. Keep it simple and enjoy!


Thursday, November 2

Way up in the Sky...

Number One Son today says, "Look at all o de aeropwanes." (reminded me of that Pink Floyd song) So i commenced to make up an airplane song...

Way up in the sky,
the airplanes fly
they go here and there
they go everywhere,

They take you to rome
they take you back home
they take you to see
Grandpa and G-Mommeee...

Oh how i wish I
could go up in the sky
and ride far away
in an airoplane!!!!!!

yea. stupid huh?and he didn't want to hear it a second time! giggles.

oh to be as rich as that P.Hilton girl, so i could be wandering around with the sprout right now! First stop... New Zealand. yea.

Wednesday, November 1

His First Time

Trick or treating. A.J. aka Mickey Mouse, had never had on a costume before, (mommy thinks infants in costumes are okay for other peoples kids, but not hers) never went out after dark and asked for candy! It was fun.

We started when it was light out at the mall. That was a breeze, then stopped for a hamburger, then we were on to a friends house for the real deal! After it got dark we started wandering the streets. We saw witches, spider webs, and ghosts! OOOOOOOOOOO spooky i would say... and he would say, yea! By the end of our three street journey he was saying Trick or Treat with Gusto! Then, the phrase "more houses mommy", and finally "ooo more spooky, look at that spooky!" sighs. Three year olds ROCK!

Yea, and best of all outside of the absolute cuteness that shown through him all night? We raked in on the sugary stuff! More reeses than anything else! (and mickey doesn't like them! giggles). This morning the says, more trick or treat tonight mommy! I had to enjoy the pureness of that moment. Wouldnt we like doing that? Dressing up and asking for candy, and seeing spooky things for just one more day?

There was only one problem we had last night. While walking past a group of young teenagers, 13 or 14 years old, this boy was cussing at a young girl! I mean saying i am the f'ing f'er of f'ing every f'ing thing... etc. I looked at him and said "HEY! Chill it man!" His friends used it as a much needed chance to tell him what they thought about his language. As I walked away I could hear them telling him about how much lack of respect he had, even for little kids, and how pathetic it was.

What has happened to kids? Are they not allowed to be kids long enough anymore? I think they are forced into this grown up phase tooo quickly. Oh well. I have to worry about one for sure, then hopefully he will influence the rest as well as he can.

For now anyway. Maybe ... just maybe. If my idea gets off the ground and rolling....

pictures to come... ;-)