There are many ways of breaking a heart. Stories were full of hearts broken by love,
but what really broke a heart was taking away its dream - whatever that dream might be.
Pearl S. Buck

Saturday, December 23

The Fat Man Cometh....

So in just Two Days the merry man in red will visit us! the tree is decorated, the weather is wonderful, and we are trying to "behave". Its going to be so fun to watch my son really appreciate his first christmas!

Merry Christmas all those who follow the Santa tradition, and Happy Holidays to all those who follow others.

May your season be peaceful, inspirational and harmonious as possible. Love is the only gift we truly need. May you be showered with it beyond your saturation levels.

See you in the New Year!

:kiss: :hug:

Saturday, December 16

What a Year!

Okay people. Some of you don't know me very well. Or maybe you do, I am not one to be shy about my business. HA! deal. But I thought that I should do an inventory before the New Year. What has transpired over the last year of my life, and hand out some well deserved thanks to the people who got me here. So the story begins.

As some of you know, November 2005, I set out on the road with a two year old son and moved us to California. I didn't have much in the way of cash, nor did I take many belongings with me. Previous to this journey, Here is the story.

I was involved in a three-four year relationship with a man who has "poor me" syndrom. (I have a feeling at the time I was similarly afflicted.) I found myself pregnant, and realized that was going to be a burden I would solely carry. After working through the stigma of dealing with being pregnant out of wedlock, (therapy for sure. my parents had a very difficult time with it) Thankfully I had found full time employment during this whole ordeal. Unfortunately, I found myself in a job where I was treated and paid poorly. To be sure, I was pretty low. I was feeling depressed, desparate and desolate. But, I am a strong woman, or maybe just mule stubborn, and kept on smiling in the face of the tests. Just as I had decided to turn things around, by moving in with my best friend, I lost my job. I am not entirely innocent in that transaction. It was a blessing in disguise. I could have gone after them, but I was so happy to be out of there. They were/are bouncing paychecks, making shady deals and treating some of their employees awfully. And, they cost me 2200 of my savings investment with them by not paying the premiums to the savings house. You can see how I might have had some subconcious desire to run from that place like it was on fire.

I was at a crossroads. A few weeks before my job loss, a girlfriend of mine was talking about moving back to California. I had joked with her about coming along. She said to me, "You are wasting your talents here! You should quit and come along." The previous two years had lead me to California three times for various events. I attended my sister's wedding, went to a great party in Pasadena, and also a family reunion. During the months after my last visit to California, I had moved in with my friend, liquidating my furniture, and belongings, to save money. And after falling in love with its terrain and weather, I mindlessly thought about it. No real intent in place. But, with this sudden freedom, I thought, why don't I move!? The intent was set in motion. And the universe couldn't have been more compliant.

Here are a few of the details:
I had two cats. What was I going to do about them? Where would I leave them? A friend from work was going to the pound to pick out a couple of cats for her husband and her son. They have a much better home life now than we had.

Where was I going to stay while I found a home? My sister was on her honeymoon in Italy, I got to stay rent free in Napa for a month. Sistah! thanks for having faith in me, and being a most generous auntie. And John, for laughing at us instead of being annoyed.

Where Am I going to spend Thanksgiving? with a new cyber friend Jason. Thanks to him, his BBSOW, and her sweet intelligent family, I had a great meal, and great company! thanks bro!

Where would I stay along the way? I had a friend in LA that let me stay with him a few days. Thanks B. I have a good friend in Santa Barbara! She offered to take me to a few places to look. And to stay with her for a week. You will always be my Santa B. sis Lexi!

What am I going to do until I find an apartment? My uber-cool aunt in Carmel let me crash her guest house for two weeks. Barb... without your generosity, I would have been lost.

So, off I went. Less than 1000 in my pocket. No home. No job. And a two year old. Amazingly, I felt the best I had in a long time.

So I landed in LA. Drove to SB. As soon as I crossed that line, my body relaxed like it hadn't in five years or more. I knew I was at home. I should have found an apartment that day! But instead I took some freelance work, and traveled the state a little. Finally got a paycheck from an old freelance job owed me for about a year. And with the help of my most generous benefactor, My wonderful Father, I am here. Moved in on Dec. 16th, to apartment #16, and the third 16 to that equation? My sons birthday is a 16. It cinched the deal for my soul and my concious. I knew we were fated to be here. The first six months were more stressful than pregnancy. Not working, living hand to mouth, pacing the streets looking for any kind of work that would allow us to stay. I was rewarded six months later with a permanent job with the company my father works with. That day I had two other job offers as well, including an interview for a job paying just a bit less than I am making!

Its far from over, but without these special people, including my son, well, I don't like to think about where we would be. Fate has lead me to this moment. I took all its hints and offerings hitching the Nissan to a star! We landed in paradise.

More to come about the six months and the happenings that followed. But for now, even living in a tiny apartment in California, we are happy, blissful, and moving forward with creating a new life. Deep sigh of content.

Tuesday, December 12


so... I am standing under the mistletoe,
Its kissin time!
:smack: :mwah: :smOOOOOch:

Merry Merry Holidays Everybody!

Monday, December 11

Sorry Readers

My wittle G5 is BUSTED! I have been having issues with it for some time, finally took it in. Now I am waiting on a part from apple. Seems that "apple" doesn't notify the repair centers if the part is going to be on back order or not. So, I am computerless at home! I have considered getting a small PC laptop just so I can do my blogging/chatting/email etc. But... I have also considered it may be time to invest in a PDA instead!

So... Do not get discouraged, I will catch up with you when I get a chance. More than likely over Christmas break you all will get a total influx of comments from me. But for now, Work is SWAMPED! and I don't have time to blog and catch up. DAGUMMIT!

Merry Holiday Festivus! May The Supreme Being Bless Us Everyone!

Friday, December 8


So I have always been un-cool. And, it's a safe bet that I will continue to be un-cool for the rest of my days. I have a talent to draw unwanted attention to my silly demeanor. In addition to that, I laugh at just about everything. Yes, even in tragedy.

Its just not in my nature to make graceful entrances or exits in this lifetime. I have fallen off many barstools, before imbibing. I have laughed out loud when the soloist finishes and all are completely silent. I am the girl, who at the company Christmas party (btw: At the time, I was working for a major high dollar, high fashion retailer), was decked out in a black velvet dress I had someone make for me, expensive costume jewelry and my best heels. As I was walking to the "powder room", I slipped on the carpet. Of course it was at high traffic time. Lo and beholding to many unsuspecting party guests, my skirt flew up over her head! I was sans-panties for this function as well. Of course, that is when I started drinking heavily... Ha! And that is just one example of my many triumphs.

Its just those kinds of events that plague me. The ones you can never outrun. The ones that will be gossiped about for weeks. And now that I am a mom, I have a little one that I can train in the fine art of enjoying your own un-coolness.

So, if you ever see a woman on the streets of Santa Barbara making an ass of herself without even trying, more than likely its me. I figure, I am going to look like an idiot anyway, I might as well make the most of it. So enjoy the show, because I have NO shame when it comes to enjoying life as the un-cool chick.

We don't need no stinkin woopie cushions. ;-)

Thursday, December 7

Daily Affirmations

Okay, do you remember Stuart Smalley? Hilarious stuff. I think Al Franken is hilarious!

I had a chance to catch "Stewart Saves His Family" the other morning on cable. And it took me back to reading his book, and seeing that movie. I personally have not been involved in a twelve step program, not that I don't need it mind you. But have done plenty of self help work. And it has changed my perception of my childhood, and my life. I am a better person for it, believe me!

Refreshing to remind myself to put the FUN back in dysfunction this holiday season! Ho HO HO!!!!!

Tuesday, December 5

Child Care

Okay people who think you got it soooo difficult... I got some not so great news today. Thankfully its not life threatening or terminal, just inconvenient. On top of what I am already dealing with, I got a call from the state assistance office that is suplementing my daycare costs saying, "You make TOO much money, so you have to pay full time daycare costs. We are cutting you off!" Now this is a very big chunk of change, for those of you parents that know my pain, you understand this scary thought. Especially you CA residents. Daycare costs can cost you as much as the mortgage on your house, or rent for your apartment. And that is not for a school, or a high up daycare, that is for moderate well kept daycare.

I am Not going to be able to get child support, as I hear that the boy's daddy is very very ill. And I have not heard from him since the baby was born. My son's "other grandmother" has not contacted me in over a year. Besides, she is NOT responsible for her son's responsibilities.

How do people manage this? I mean I am not even sure that I shouldn't quit the job I love so much to make less money to save money. Does that make any sense at all? NOOOOO. Maybe I should ask AHHHNOLD for the money.

I am about to go crawl into a corner and just start humming and drooling until the holidays are over. Try not to miss me too much.

blech. I hate self pity! No worries. I will get by. Even if it means putting the kid out on the street in costume and making him preform a scene from the Christmas Carol all weekend long...

Fudge & T-shirts

I am sorry for the lack of content here today. But seeing as I am a single mom, and down to my last few shopping days before Christmas, I need some suggestions!

Does ANYONE know of a cool T-shirt site? Dad and Bro are hard to shop for. I have tried Cafe Xpress. Any others you recommend?

And I am going to make some fudge for the locals, Since I don't eat the stuff, it's easy to make and give away!

Here is a recipe for you all!

4 1/4 c. sugar
1 lg. can evaporated milk

Boil slowly 10 minutes, stir constantly (count time) remove from heat and add 1/2 lb. butter and 3 pkgs. chocolate chips. When they start to melt add 1 (8 oz.) pkg. marshmallow cream and 2 tsp. vanilla and 2 cups nut meats (pecan and black walnuts). Pour into buttered 9x13 inch pan. Cut when cool. Keep refrigerated.

yea. no fat in that recipe, nor refined sugars... YUMMY!!!!! Keeping the caloric intake at a respectable HIGH! after all. its the Holiday's!

Aw Honey.... Sugar Sugar.... You are my candy Boy and you got me wanting you....


remember to play the seduction game below... I am curious...

Monday, December 4

The Visionary cuz Pissy asked

Gumbo Monday ~ Sans the Okra

A pot full of thought, and some random sarcasm to blend. no okra!

• I can't want it OR I can't like it. That is the phrase my son uses when he doesn't want to eat something. Or do something. Sounds about right to me.

• THIS IS FOR THE WOMEN, MEN BYPASS IT! ~ PEEERIODS!!!!!!!!! sheesh. Can you believe that Friday I used 4 overnight pads in four hours and was still standing? And I was not being a bitch at all? I challenge ANY man to this test.

• I HATE HATE HATE football! Did I mention how much I can't like it? well that's kind of a strong statement, but I would rather shave my nether region than watch it all day on Sunday, or Monday night! And, I still have a hard time sitting through the Super-Bowl. The season is too long, and its only four months! (maybe a left over feeeling from marching band days)

• Is it wrong to lie? yea. Seriously wrong. So why am I so tempted to do it so often!?

• How come I can't work 20 hours a week for the same amount of money they pay me to do 40? I already do all the work in 20 hours anyway! I am baffled at this concept. sighs. I need a home office.

• I HATE HATE HATE stupid drivers! I mean, its Monday, and I am not on top of things yet, but... seriously, maybe people should be required to refresh thier drivers liscence more than once every 10 years.

• Parenting is a B*tch! Discipline sucks. but the little buggers are sooo cute! and i think there is a reason for that.

• Most days I think about just making myself numb. I don't want to get out of bed, or see what is outside my apartment. But I do. I think its minor depression, the holidays do that to me.

• Someone hit my car, and drove away. Now my car is in the shop, and I have a rental. Funny how the person whose fault the wreck is, doesnt really have to do to much but agree when the insurance agent calls them to find out if it is thier fault. But no one was hurt, and my car gets a new bumper, and lights for christmas!

• Why does it seem that everything breaks down about the time Christmas rolls around? My car, my computer, my life... its a big mess right now. Not a horrible unrecoverable mess, but its not smooth. Ah. guess its always that way, but the Holidays seem to add a dose of "did i finish all my shopping" to it. And I am not looking forward to defending myself for two weeks while i visit my family. As much as I try to remain neutral, and not take things they say to me personally, after a week of it, i want to scream at someone! loudly and without censure. This time, I am going to take the baby on walks. Lots and Lots of walks.

• Sighs. So, when someone tells you that they love you, does that mean they do? Or does that mean they want to, and can only love in thier own way? Or... hell, what does love mean? I am tired of looking for that answer. I hope it finds me, cuz I am DONE looking. DONE!

If that isn't enough for you on a Monday, you got to get a life! kidding. Thanks for listening.I will be back tomorrow all sparkly and sunshiney again!

And thanks for the music suggestions. I am going to start making my list and filling it. Happy Maundays.