There are many ways of breaking a heart. Stories were full of hearts broken by love,
but what really broke a heart was taking away its dream - whatever that dream might be.
Pearl S. Buck

Monday, December 24

Happy Holidays

our tree

this is my little corner all decorated.

things to do:
make someone smile,
be at peace with the world
take lots of pictures
be grateful and giving

things to remember:
there is always someone worse off than you are
you can find love in every moment
everything happens for a reason
not all presents come in boxes with bows

I hope everyone has a lovely and safe holiday.
happy holidays cyber family.

xoxo

Tuesday, December 18

its raining!



The phrase from the song, it never rains in southern california is so true. BUT, Today? Its raining! For the last day and a half we have had big fat raindrops. I love the rain, don't you? I just wish I was at home (instead of at work) curled up with a blanket and a good... book. yea! :-)

giggles...

Monday, December 17

Orca sighting



Ok. So. My coworker goes out to the channel islands regularly to fish and surf. He came across a pod of killer whales this weekend! They normally don't come down this far. But here is the evidence. Enjoy! (and don't rip the pix. they are his. thanks!)

Saying Goodbye

To a dear friend. I won’t explain, its not my case to reiterate. They know what has transpired. The way things have gone down. I wasn’t someone they had “time” for anymore.

It sucks when you get to a point in your life and realize that no one has chosen you. My heart hurts today. I will always be me. I hope that doesn’t end up keeping me without a partner the rest of my life.

Friday, December 14

I need Moses...

These words are haunting me today and I don't have much understanding why. I think this is going to take a few days to settle.... at least the next 24 hours. I don't feel particularly unhappy or lonely today. or yesterday for that matter. I did talk to a very lonely person last night though. It makes me wonder why people would shame themselves in the name of love. We all crawl out of that cave eventually i guess. Some of us never have to deal with it. Lucky creatures. Anyway, here are the words. Patty sure can pen a tune, eh what?

Diamonds, roses,
I need Moses to cross this sea of loneliness,
Part this red river of pain.
I don't necessarily buy any key to the future or happiness,
But I need a little place in the sun sometimes or I think I will die.

And everywhere is somewhere and nowhere is near,
Everybody got somebody with their wine and their beer.
So, I'm just this tragic figure in the corner over here,
With an empty apartment and a best friend who is a queer.

Every time I see him he smiles and he tells me how well he's walking these miles,
But I he never ever asks a single thing about me,
If I die, he'd hear about it eventually.

Diamonds, roses,
I need Moses to cross this sea of loneliness,
Part this red river of pain.
And everywhere is somewhere and nowhere is near,
Everybody got somebody with their wine and their beer.
So, I'm just this tragic figure in the corner over here,
Go home to an empty apartment and call a best friend who is a queer.

Diamonds, roses,
I need Moses to cross this sea of loneliness,
Part this red river of pain.

Patty Griffin ~ Moses

Thursday, December 13

Dougnuts and Colin

I love Thursdays. I hate Thursdays... They give us doughnuts on Thursdays at the office. Muffins, bagels and doughnuts. I think I have a "homer simpson" thing about doughnuts. I can't not eat them (as the wee one used to say). I am going to plan that into my diet on Thursdays. And eat like a rabbit the rest of the the day.

I have said this before. Colin Firth. I have NO idea why he does it for me, but that man... ooo yea. I had a dream about him. It was strange, and he was single. I was house sitting. One of his two cats hated me! And there was this incredible crystal snow globe that was 2 feet in diameter at least. It was encircled by a patina-ed brass ring with knobs that you used to rotate it. It was shielded in the back by a deep blue enameled brass sheet, curved to fit the globe. Star scene painted into the enamel. Inside the globe was a scene representing some kind of village, but all I could focus on was the figurine in the middle. Not a cherub really but a winged creature, and childlike.

As he was looking at it I touched his back. He turned around and gave me a far away look, and picked up his suitcase and left. As he exited I watched him from the window. Another scene came about and we were acting in a movie together. It was set in New England, and the time of the pilgrims.

ok. whatever. I just had to get it out of my head. Colin is NOT a very good kisser. :giggles:

Monday, December 10

SO.. i am a blogger SLOTH!

meh. I never made it around to creating a video of the waytoolong named entry. So, Father, send me that Robert Earl Keen MP3. I will record it for my very own blog. That way just my readers can be "bemused" by my haunting voice and huge headed son acting goofy with me!

want to make a bet I don't do it? or... come on. lets see the wagers! (i need incentive)

more insanity to come. believe me. :wink:

Friday, December 7

christmahanukwanzaakah online holiday concert

Ok. I don't know if any of you click on my links (as I am a complete outdated dork who doesn't have the know how to create a blog roll/rss feed thingie). One of my "blog reads" is Citizen Neil. Neilochka lives and writes in LA. Sometimes he makes me laugh. Other times he doesn't.

I got an email that was from Neil. He said, you have to submit your song by Sunday night. I was all like, WHAAT? Seems that I had made a comment on his entry two weeks ago that I would record a song... yikes. By Sunday night. Double yikes. But after the initial scaredy cat reaction, I started thinking about what song I could sing.

Yea I am going to do this! I think I may even get the kid involved wearing his santa hat!!

so dear readers. Give me some suggestions. Run Run Rudolph? Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas? Something from the old Rudolph program? Give me suggestions! Then check over at Citizen Neils place on Monday to see the results.

this should be way fun! hi HOOOO. hi ho hi ho its off to the mall we go... :giggles:

Tuesday, December 4

oooo DREAMWEAVER....

Thank the holy universal energies that lead me to the place where I am standing today. Can I get a namaste from the crowd!?

I have a great job. Well, I work for a pretty good company. It has its problems for lots of reasons I WONT go into, but there are a lot of benefits too. One of them being is the allotment for education. My boss agreed to pay for us to learn Dreamweaver. We need a website built for one of our divisions. I looked and looked for a classroom setting, but none that I could take at night, or during the day. What I did find was another COOL website allowing me access to video tutorials 24-7.

lynda.com

For all my graphic buddies? The Lynda.com Online Training Library® is a worthwhile investment. A plethora of video tutorials for any freaking graphic program under the sun at a reasonable price. I am just lucky enough that my company paid for it. I have made it through Photoshop CS2 basics, and Photoshop CS2 for digital SLR. Now I am working on Dreamweaver 8 Basics. I have three more classes I would like to skate through by Feb 2008. Photoshop for Web, and 2 Advanced Dreamweaver classes. This may not be the way everyone likes to get their education. Some people need "materials" they can hold. (I am starting to live my life in the "less is more" style.) In my vision of the future, its definitely going to be built into the budget as a yearly expense of my forthcoming company. I think the amount of information and the accessibility is an invaluable tool to any designer.

That being said, look for an upgraded site for the ole' memsahib in 2008. Time to get SERIOUS about developing a site for my future endeavors.

I hope you all can get some use out of these links. I am always looking to learn something new. They do have some photo tutorials on there as well.

Edumacate yourself. ;-)

Monday, December 3

My new FAV site.

I am a budding new photographer. I have had my camera less than one year. I don't have but one lens. I don't have any filters or accessories. Its not like I don't want them I just don't have the money for it.

Anyway, a good friend (who takes pictures) pointed me to this site, Photosig. Its a site where people critic your work! Now. I used to be the kind of person that would whimper and retreat when I got critiqued. Now, its the most useful info I can receive. Check it out sometime. I have put up a few photos and only one got a bad review, and one got no comment at all. But out of 8 photos, in my uneducated opinion, that is a damn good ratio!

Anyway. I find it fun to start looking at this passion as something that could be profession someday, in some way. I don't want to rely on it to make a living, but a monetary return, so that I could buy some new equipment? yea. thats the ticket.

So, check out Photosig, its pretty darn cool. Beware, there are sharks in the water there too. Just don't let yourself bleed to death over it.

edit: have you noticed how teenagers act so much more "entitled" these days?

Friday, November 30

It Rained

Its cold.
I'm lonely.
And cold.
It rained last night.


And I have to write a self evaluation today. If I could write it on how far I have come as a person, not related to my job, it would be much easier. Instead, I have to "evaluate" a position that I took over from someone that was in this job for 8 years. Navigating my way through a system that has NO guidelines (or rules written out), other than "you did that wrong" responses. Its not going to be a pleasant day but I am sure going to think glowing thoughts about my accomplishments here while I compose my bosses review of me.

Update. My son is still trying to play the "make mommy mad" game. I have succeeded. Until the head butts come. YIKES. I think he has a head made of concrete. He will be good at sports. :wink:

edit: Don't you LOVE pita chips and hummus? I am just saying ;-)

Thursday, November 29

Get Mad Mommy

yea. its thursday. I have noticed that my son is starting to do things that make me angry, and he is doing them on purpose. He even said to me this morning, when I was trying to blow his nose, get mad mommy. (he wasn't blowing it of course).

Yea Kristi the family counselor comes tonight. Thank God! sighs. sometimes a little intervention is all you need. Right moms?

Tuesday, November 27

I was sleeping.

Almost a week since I came to this space. Sorry to admit I didn't miss the computer. I was online working on photos or talking to friends only. AND I didn't do that too much during the holidays either. I ate, and slept. Watched movies, took a couple of walks, played with the kid, did laundry, slept... cleaned up my apartment, ate some more. And napped. It was soooo nice. I also had a nice Thanksgiving day meal with some friends. Reminding myself that there are nice people in this world.

I still feel tired though. Imagine I slept too much. Something happened that kind of bummed me out, but I am learning to cut my losses quickly and move forward. Still doesn't stop me from getting blown down by events that involve my heart. Even when you lose a friend, its still a difficult blow. (no smile. it's not you.)

So its Tuesday. I have a car that needs some repair, but I want to accomplish that myself, just to see if I can do it. (Battery cable needs to be replaced.) And I am going to do that.

I looked at this heavenly apartment last week. Two bedrooms, in a nice quiet complex, swimming pool, two spas, workout room, laundry hookups in my apartment, dishwasher, full kitchen... corrian counter tops, bar, full size fridge... le sigh. More than I can afford right now. So I am going to dream about it for a while.

Keep those positive thoughts coming. I had a piece of news this morning that may change the living arrangements for the better. :pray: :manifest:

Wednesday, November 21

I don't know why, but..

Saw someone with a thank you note today. And this song kept popping into my head. This is the Pre-Thanksgiving thank you note. Not saying anything about anyone, just had to put it out there. and out of my HEAD!!!

I always thought she was saying "Thank you Canada, Thank you tarragon, thank you..." I am officially a DORK!! (SUWHEEET).

maybe I should work on a parody for my Thanksgiving day entry? Hm... stay tuned for "whats the dork gonna spew next?".

Thank U - by Alanis M.

How about getting off of these antibiotics
How about stopping eating when I'm filled up
How about them transparent dangling carrots
How about that ever elusive kudo

Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

How about me not blaming you for everything
How about me enjoying the moment for once
How about how good it feels to finally forgive you
How about grieving it all one at a time

Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

The moment I let go of it was
The moment I got more than I could handle
The moment I jumped off of it was
The moment I touched down

How about no longer being masochistic
How about remembering your divinity
How about unabashedly bawling your eyes out
How about not equating death with stopping

Thank you India
Thank you providence
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you nothingness
Thank you clarity
Thank you thank you silence

Thank U

Tuesday, November 20

I had a drink but not a smoke.



I am sitting in front of a light
wondering why I shared your words
more days pass, your resolution fades
taking prey only when you are lonely

why do you misjudge in ignorance
people will see past the illusion
no mystery, just a man hiding in the alley
selecting a street lamp to sing underneath

when a back turns cold on a promise
very few moments give back a reward
memories to lay with in your bed
an illusion you make out to be more

fear is a standoff with yourself
your kisses are guarded
I will not be afraid again
I have survived being abandoned

time to remember, be brave, stand up.
disregard all the people who allow
me nothing by their presence.
leave me alone if you wont share

Monday, November 19

The Sheep are Missing

Ok, so we are back to the insomnia again. I haven't slept well in three days. I really need a sleeping pill and a good stretch of time to catch up. Doesn't help that I am having these weird dreams. :eek:

where is that man with the dark hair?

edit: Jay, I accidentally rejected your comment. so I wanted to publicly thank you for it. I read it!

Saturday, November 17

Under Construction



Sorry I have been so lame lately... I am working on making my apartment livable. Don't have much time for anything else.

keep watching I will be back with another thrilling episode of watch me spew... :eyeroll:

Wednesday, November 14

Vocabulary for Rice


I was waiting for my half of a half of a bagel to toast this morning, and I read about this site in the local paper. Its called FreeRice. You go and they test your knowledge for words. Each correct answer awards you 10 grains of rice. Subsequent answers, 10 grains of rice.

They are donating grains of rice through the United Nations to feed the hungry around the world. Go. Play. Define. Donate.

I think this is a very good thing.

Tuesday, November 13

Random Selections

I am so tired. I watched Nightline last night titled "The Forgotten War" about the upcoming article in Vanity Fair regarding Afghanistan and then couldn't sleep. So... now I am having random thoughts...

• Have I mentioned that I am back on my weight watchers? I did a post about my revelation regarding food. A divine moment for me. I have felt a shift in the tides. I am going to choose better, dammit if it takes me the REST OF MY LIFE!!!!

• There is someone in my apartment complex that either washes their hair 3-4 times a day or is doing something completely different with the Highest pitched hair dryer I have ever heard in my LIFE!!!! ARGGG. I swear that dogs are howling from 10 miles away.

• My apartment looks like a storage unit exploded in there. I have too much crap. Does anyone want some crap? its good crap, but still. How many freaking spatulas do you really need? Or Tupperware for that matter? :sheesh: That being said, in one room, I have 6 chairs, a couch, two desks, and entertainment center, a toy rack, a shoe rack, 3 tables, and TOYSSSSS... sighs. i am losing it.

• The battery cables on my car are past the point of tightening. So... 80% of the time when I go to start up my car? I have to pull the hood latch and operate on the battery. Oh joy.

• Thank GOD i have Lexapro. And a family counselor. And a kid that reminds me to laugh most of the time.

• My hair is looking exceptionally fabulous today!

• My son is gorgeous... have you seen him? I talked to a psychic the other day, she says, my he is a flirt isn't he? I had to laugh and tell her he is only 4. I fear the days to come when I have to answer phone calls from the poor girls he is bound to unintentionally (i hope) mislead.

• So do you think that the war in Afghanistan is working? Do you believe we are getting anywhere there? My thoughts are, if it keeps them on their toes, maybe it will keep them from plotting more attacks on foreign soil, like the US. I was surprised to see how defensive the elders were. I must read more about this to get a better understanding. Fuck Iraq. thats a given. But this Afghanistan thing is scaring me.

• Did anyone else see the Iconoclasts special with Mike Meyers and Deepak Chopra? It is a MUST see. Love them both. Deepak is amazing as is Mike Meyers. Its a comparison of enlightenment and humor. Excellent quote from Deepak, "I think humor is humanities device to escape suffering." That is my philosophy as well, hence the tag line on my profile.

• Has anyone seen the Bee Movie? I am jonesing to hear some Jerry voice. Give me the skinny.

• I am going to be Kid FREE this Saturday! I really want to finish working on my apartment but need some big strong arms to help me move stuff... I will make a superb dinner if you can offer assistance. Give me a menu, and I will comply.

• I put my phone on vibrate, and stick it in my pocket so that when someone calls me or text messages me, i get that extra umph to the message. Hey, I pay for it!! Got to take advantage of the perks. :giggles:

• I have started putting only creamer in my coffee no sugar. And I am beginning to like it that way much better.

• What is the Christmas wish list, huh? I have two things. More room for my son and his toys. And a telephoto lens. oh, and our troops out of Iraq, and Afghanistan.

• Is it Friday yet? I need an extra day off. I think I am going to take off Friday. :sweet:

I think that is MORE than enough. Happy Tuesday all. enjoy the freak show!

Friday, November 9

I feel so GOOD today.

I am feeling renewed. Somethings are actually working in my life.

ah... deep cleansing breathes.

Mom in Training Week 3

So along with this Mom in Training challenge/counseling, I am blogging the results of what I am learning. Instead of finding something new to type today I thought I would share with you what an invaluable service Kristi Miller has provided me. This approach really works with me and my son. Anyway, last night we had a major breakthrough. THANK YOU KRISTI!


Last night was my third session with Kristi (- Solutions in Parenting). I am having some personal anxieties due to my living conditions at the moment, so I am having a difficult time centering, dealing with my son. Last session she had me focus on really getting to the core of what I am feeling when I get anxious/angry. I realize that being centered lies at the root of any successful relationship in life, but hey I am human.

After the second weeks session, I have started to become much more aware. Last night, was another great example. It is very nice having her watch my interaction with my son, and step in to give me some interaction and conversation methods to follow. Here is an example.

While we were discussing some of the discipline problems, and how that this expansion is normal behavior when our children are finding their independence at certain ages, A. starts drawing on the wall (thankfully it was a washable marker). I could not see what he was doing, but Kristi turns to me and gives me the "look at what he is doing" sign. He says Mommy i drew a... whatever it was. Now, Kristi and I decided that it would be a good time to watch me in action. I was not really upset with him for drawing on the wall. I find his creativity quite amazing. The first thing that crossed my mind was he needs an easel. So instead of getting angry I got frustrated because I knew that I would be the one "cleaning up this mess". (notice how you are feeling when things like this happen is my new mantra) I started talking to A. about how I loved his picture but it may not be the best place to draw it.. and on and on and on. Austin started getting very physical at this point and not listening. Kristi stepped in and took over. She pointed to his drawing, and said, it may stain the wall, and we need to remove it. What do you think will take it off? And if we use the water, how do we get it on the wall? And within a few minutes, he had a bucket and a sponge, and was cleaning the wall. I then suggested if he liked doing that much he could clean something else. He was completely motivated. I was amazed.

What I discovered is that I use way to many words. He can be motivated with the proper emotion attached. If you make it a challenge, and he has the tools, he will feel like he has accomplished something, and he doesn't feel shamed. Which to me is the most important aspect. I was shamed as a child, and that has a very adverse effect on self esteem.

Challenge for myself this week: Make sure to get to core emotion/feeling, a quick check of where I am, before I approach a situation out of reaction. Understand when I am using too much speech. Make it a habit to speak briefly and concisely. Offer him the option/chance to be independent by helping him discover for himself.

Every challenge is an opportunity for each of us to grow. I have to remember that and reduce my frustration and anger.

Happy Weekends all.

Thursday, November 8

Slacker

I AM A SLACKER! There. I said it. I feel cleansed.

I didn't do my parent homework this week. I mean who am I hurting by being a slacker? Myself!!!!! GEEZ. I am a dork.

Thank you for sharing my pain.

*shuffles off to shame herself*

Wednesday, November 7

happy birthday f a t h e r L u k e

natalie dee
nataliedee.com

you say its your birthday...
its my birthday too yea...

x's and o's

Tuesday, November 6

Hunger

Why do I feel like I am hungry all the time? What is it that I am lacking in my life that makes me want to fill this void with food? I can tell you its not an actual "need to eat". But something I spoke out loud this weekend really got me. I was talking to a friend over the weekend about smoking and said, "Cigarettes no longer have power over me". Immediately after saying that, a light went off in my head. Food. Food has power over me. What are the elements that surround that? Why is that so?

Main reason, we all have to eat at some point to maintain proper functioning. The wonderful tastes in my mouth are sensual, sublime, and provocative even. I enjoy food and all the aspects that surround it. But there are limits. I am overweight. I am compromising my health because I won't say no to excessive calorie intake. I don't make "my power over the food" a choice. There are few tricks I have relearned over the last year, from getting involved with Weight Watchers again, that seem to assist me in this dieting.

One of them is portion control. After getting on Lexapro, and on a more even level with my emotions, I am feeling more in control of this one. I am actually having moments when I realize I am eating out of emotion, and actually CARE that I am doing that to myself. (Before, I just put it down to, no one gives a shit about me (including me) why does it matter if I eat everything.) I let myself have things I crave more in moderation. There are times when I eat more than I should, but realize this is setting me back. I have to make choosing wisely the habit/norm.

Another factor that works for me in losing weight? Exercise! I have not been to the gym in 6 weeks, and I feel like a sloth because of it. I can't tell you how important getting in regular exercise is for me. I notice such a huge difference if I go there at least three times a week, if not four. My breathing is much better. My agility level steps way up (i like that one, devilish snicker here). Circulation, sleep, managing stress, its all so much better when I Exercise. Why don't I do that? :sighs:

Ok. so back to my original intent for writing this. That statement, "has no power over me", opened up the door of understanding my "addiction" to food. I have started looking at it in a whole new way. I wish I had time I would do a food diary. Write down what I eat, how I feel while I am eating it. Was I hungry when I decided to eat this, etc. But right now? I haven't started a parenting journal I am supposed to be writing. Blog entries from the parenting classes I am getting, 2 behind there. I have a studio apartment full of boxes and furniture I can barely get around. I have uvulitis. My son needs me. NEEEDS me... I can't enjoy my picture taking or study the two books my wonderful friend sent me. I am a spread thin.

BUT!!! This idea merits some support. I will have power over food in choosing ME! Whatever that takes. One step at a time, I will become thinner, more confident, and more agile. Because that is what I WANT!

Send wishes, prayers and strength. Also, suggest any tips you think work for you while you are "under the influence of food". Thanks for sticking with me here.

Monday, November 5

the uvula

I have an infected uvula (uvulitis). I hurt in the head, and my throat is raw.

blech. someone watch the kid for me so I can rest. thank you.

edit: please remember if I comment on your blogs today, i am feeling wobbly and light headed. don't take it personally, or if you can't comprehend my comments at all, sorry.

Friday, November 2

Mom in Training

Ok. You ALL know I am a single parent. I love being a mom, 80% of the time. He is a kind sweet little boy, who is so much like me its frustrating sometimes. When it comes to discipline, I fall short of complete actions. I was using techniques that offered results, but not a lasting solution. Bargaining and threatening are lame when it comes to effective discipline or motivation. Those techniques are only good for a brief period of time... when they are really little. As he grows and gains the confidence he needs to live a full life, I need to be able to communicate effectively with him. And that wasn't happening on my end. Not one little bit. I was getting desperate, and frightened that I was losing a battle that may get away from me completely. I sent my little pledge/prayer out to the universe, requesting some insight.

So, while cruising the local parent website, SBParent.com I entered a contest called the Parenting Challenge. And I won! YIPPPEE! One on one counseling sessions with an independent family counselor.

Once a week for the past two weeks, and the next two weeks, I have time with Kristi, from Solutions in Parenting. (I think she needs a website, and I am going to offer that to her, if she wants one.) What an EYE opener! We are talking about parenting not out of exhaustion, but out of active listening and being present with my son. I am CRAZY tired by the end of the day, but still have enough energy to be with the little guy in an emotional state and meet his needs. Oh the things I have been enlightened too. Our challenges are simple, but like she pointed out to me the other day, even if its something simple like getting him to dress himself, this will effect so many other things that happen in our lives. Finding a solution to this requires my attention in how I communicate to him, and motivate him. Making charts that show him what he needs to be putting on, walking through the process with him step by step so he feels confident, etc.

This takes time. And sometimes I feel like I don't have one more second to spare in dealing with this, or should I say I get to the point of, I can't listen to one more person ASKING me for something. That said, taking the time to accomplish this now will save me so much time in the future. And it will solidify the bond that we need to develop to be loving, respectful, and useful for one another.

Parenting is great. But sometimes, like EVERYTHING ELSE IN LIFE, its work. And I like working. I hope I can do as good a job here as I know I can.

Goal in place. Now to create the strategies and map out some of the elements. No matter the plan, life creates a lot of waves, just like the ocean. I am confident I can keep customizing the surf board until we have more smooth rides than not.

COWABUNGAAAA!!!!!!! Mom in TRAINING!!!!!

Wednesday, October 31

The Companion

This is an entry I posted February 2006. Someday, I will find my companion. I know he is out there, somewhere.


Have I ever been in love? I am wondering. I know that I have made attempts to share my heart with the opposite sex. I have shared my body with the opposite sex. I have been so entranced by the someone that i got lost in its dream and faded away... into a person I didn't wish to be. We all share this story.

Its a story of love. But tell me readers. What is love? Is it the butterflies in your stomach? Is it the way the ass looks as it walks away from you? Is it the breath that caresses your neck as you sleep? The time you lie awake waiting to see those eyes looking at you again? Is there love in those moments? And when they do leave us, does love leave? Not really. Like all great days, the sun sets, and it fades. Its bright beautiful colors growing darker. Filling the corners with its remaining pieces of glitter and momentos. And that finally fades to. But our hearts always hold a piece of that. Like ice frozen in a rock, our love melts but it makes a space that remains with us always.

This week I have observed the evidence of love. And love lost. From the eyes of my women friends, some who are saying goodbye to their visions, perspirations and perpetual heart song flowing out to that other. The promise of the other. The being that completes ourselves. The companion makes life worth living! Reminds us to sing, laugh, shave our legs, paint beautiful dreams with our words to them, about them with them. Sweet sisters. We must remember one thing, without us they would be nothing! And in leaving us for another, they have left themselves without US! A true friend and companion. But such are choices that we have no control over. Hence the pain of the greatest feeling we will ever know.

We find ways to remove ourselves from the pain. From the heartache. Taking down old images and replacing them with mirrors. To remind ourselves of our beauty, our purpose, and our ability to overcome. Until in that mirror we see our light shining again. We put on our amour, and we saddle up to ride again across the wilderness. Looking for the companion. The other. The one that makes us laugh, sing and soar above the old pangs of love. A true, sure and honest companion.

But, damn all this waiting. Its hell on my sex life! ;-)

Halloween

OK. I admit it. I am BORING this year. I wanted happy pumpkins. (basically because they are easier to carve)

and here they are.

ee gourds

I will put up a picture of George later... I tried to do a good job on the mask, but... not happy with the results. He on the other hand is ecstatic.

Halloween Humor

Why can't witches get pregnant? Because Warlocks have hollow weenies... HA!

Monday, October 29

Morphin.

%1


OK. NO way do I look like this woman. but this is cool.

enjoy.

Weekend...

Man. I am tired! I love Santa Barbara. There is ALWAYS something going on. And if you think I am kidding, check out the SB Parent.com.

Friday night was slow. Went out for Thai food. Found a good restaurant so that is good news. Then off to a friends. Austin wanted to play with the "boys" (25 year olds. :wink:)

Saturday:
The Opera. Hansel and Gretel. A-man enjoyed it. He asked me about the animals, the curtain, why there was a cage on the stage, when were the animals coming back, where were the people going, why was there smoke, and "look the sky was blue, and now its red". He sat still and watched. Afterwards there was a party. They had things for the kids to do. Mask making, bracelet making, decorating gingerbread men, floral hair wreath making, and face painting. They also had hot dogs and juice. Good times.

Then, you wanted to go and play with the "boys" again. I obliged you. I like going to CC's house.

Sunday:
peace
Kids Parade (Halloween) All kinds of kids in costume marching down State St, tossing candy. He wasn't too happy about asking for candy. A-man is shy. (So much like me when I was younger). But he managed to get some goodies. Then we went to a "bunny" festival. That was very interesting. I think everyone wants a bunny when they see them. So fluffy and soft and cute. He kept asking me for a bunny. That is not going to be his first pet. (I am thinking a gold fish.) bunny

We got him new shoes, and "Meet the Robinson's". A-man finally passed out around 9:30 last night.

We were both tired this morning. Mommy needs work weeks to recover from the weekends.

Ready for Halloween? :excited:

Wednesday, October 24

Boobs

I have boobs. They take up a good portion of real estate on my person. Its not something that I asked for, am ashamed of, or even despise. Although my lower back may say otherwise most days. Why am I speaking of them now? Reason: I was observing some photos from a flickr contact. The images were of civilians being trained as volunteer fire fighters. What does this have to do with boobs do you ask? Here goes.

These women in the photos, there were probably 3 or 4, didn't have large breasts. Now, I don't applaud or judge them for this. What point came to mind is how much IN THE WAY larger breasts seem to be. They were strapping on the harnesses for oxygen, and their boobs don't interfere. I mean, if I donned this thing, well, i don't think there would be enough strap! I found myself feeling upset because my anatomy can get in the way of some possibilities. sighs.

Here are a few examples of my upper body interference.

• Have you tried to make a complete golf swing, like with a driver, and not be able to bring your arms across your chest? You have to move your entire body. not good.

• I have knocked drinks over at the bar WITH MY BREASTS... You know some people talk with their hands, and knock them over. I have other ways. Thankfully it makes my friends laugh, male bartenders find this intriguing, and I get another drink for free. (Thought I did a blog on these occasions, but must not have...)

• Its a playground for my son. well, until he turned 3, we would be in the store, and down the shirt his hand would go. He even pulled down my shirt at the dentists office. Thankfully the dentist was a funny man, Making the comment, Well at least we know he is going to be a boob man. HA. funny doc.

• Imagine playing co-ed football and getting tackled and landing on them. OUCH!!!!

• golf swing, baseball bat swing, same diff.

• FORGET running. Just forget it. I think my swim coach made me do it on purpose so he could watch me. He was eventually prosecuted for being a perv. PERVY coach... He also made me a diver... Ha. as if that anatomy can ease into the water without a splash.

Now good people, don't get me wrong. Much pleasure can be found with the anatomy that doesn't involve organized sports, or public exercise. And I wont have a reduction, because the procedure is still too barbaric. Like I need to lose sensation there. NOT. Another annoying fact? It's the last place I lose weight. No lie.

So. I am a large breasted woman. I should write a poem, or a song. Keep watching. I think I am going to do just that. Stoop it anatomy. But i guess we are all built for something. My guess? I am built for pleasure. (Cause milk production, well. That was tricky at pregnancy) And if so? Why is it I get no action? :ha:

duh.

You Are 52% Bipolar

You're a bit moody, and at times, your moods can be a bit extreme.
It's up to you to decide if you're simply dramatic... or slightly bipolar.



CHA! Like I needed a "blog thing" to enlighten me. enjoy this scientific test, my bipolar counterparts. HA! ha ha ah bwhahaha.... hey, how did they know my favorite color was purple, and that my arms are longer than my legs... ooo look. something shiny.

*wanders off to watch the hummingbirds*


OFF TOPIC: I apologize for not visiting your blogs regularly. I am a mess of madness this week. too much to do, and as usual put it all off till the last minute. blech.

Tuesday, October 23

Rituals


Have you noticed lately what kind of little rituals you have? I mean the only thing that brought it to mind was while dressing my son this morning, after I put on his drawers, he held out his feet. He is used to the "getting dressed" ritual. On him, I put the underwear on, socks, pants and lastly his shirt. In that order. The way I get dressed is about the same. Last thing to go on is the shirt. I kind of like walking around half naked in the mornings... (shhh, i didn't say that out loud).

Other rituals, for example, are in the bathtub. Wash hair first, then conditioner. Then the soapy sap on the loofah sponge, mmmmm soapy sap, then shaving, then scrubbing the face, then pumice stone, then rinsing off conditioner, then out! And the whole hair ritual that follows that, product applied, teeth brushed, then face lotion, deodorant, etc. I mean certain things just must be in order.

What is the ritual you notice most in your life? The way you make your coffee? Your commute to work? Or do you have a ritual of which socks you wear with what outfits? It amazes me how we become more set in our ways as we get older. Maybe its just environmental education. We know how we like things to be. But doesn't that sometimes lead us to being crotchety or stodgy? I don't know. I do like my certain brand of toilet paper, folded in a certain way. And no they can't take that away from me.

I wish everything in my life could have a little more order to it. But then again, what a total drag to be ultimately predictable. right? Just thinking out loud. Enjoy your twoooosday.

Hey Texas, you reading this? :giggles:

Where is my smile... pouts.

Monday, October 22

Massage Monday




I need a massage. Long one. Then an afternoon to just reflect and heal. Peace.

I did very little this weekend, but unfortunately my body is stiff. Time to start back up at the gym. I have way too much to do and little time on my hands. Why do I put things off knowing its going to take me longer if to accomplish things if I keep postponing them? Life wont get easier unless I work a little harder.

Happy Mondays all. Enjoy your virtual massage.

edit: goddess? I have a bone to pick with you. I signed onto your site, saw its "windy" title, now I am singing the theme song from Oklahoma. MAKE IT STOP!!!!!

giggles...

Friday, October 19

Do you Scream?

Do you ever feel like you are standing in the middle of a crowd screaming and no one can hear you? I know someone in a movie said this line, and I don't care. I believe its a phenomenon that has happened throughout time.

I feel that way right now. My insides are screaming out, and I can't seem to calm them down. I haven't had any sleep (8 hours in two days). I fall asleep for two hours, wake up, can't get back to sleep for an hour or two, then fall asleep for another two hours... Its hell. I am having to up dosage on one medication, and completely abandon another. This experiment with body chemistry is taking a toll on my sleep. (Don't get me wrong. Its been mostly a godsend to me).

In addition, one person in my life I thought was my good friend, is slowly falling into a pattern of disregarding me. My son needs serious discipline rituals right now. All my belongings from a two bedroom apartment are being shipped to a studio. And through all of it, I am having body chemistry experiments with some serious side effects. Topped off with rolling mood swings from another womanly condition. I have no stamina left this week. None.

Man that f*cker on the white steed better show up soon. At least for a few days next week to help with the heavy lifting when my stuff is delivered. There is so much for me to be thankful for. But for today, I am feeling like a steam roller has rolled over me, and I just want to lay here and remain flat. And not think. Or feel anything.

HEEELLLPPP!!!

Thursday, October 18

Never Enough Sleep

There is never enough sleep. Once you become a parent, forget that sleeping thing. Its just gone for a while. :yawn:

Wishing all my friends from RP that are traveling to the "big meetup" a safe trip. And loads of good times. Paste a picture of me on the wall, and don't forget to say clever things, in my accent. Vicarious living is what I do best! Well, there is a debate about one other thing I do best... we will let the smile is the judge of that. (and no... its not sexual if thats what you are thinking :wink:)

Looking forward to hearing all about it. And perhaps to dream. :yawn:

Tuesday, October 16

Name Meme

Ok I think I took this from Eliza's site. It may be meme week here, because I am really busy at work. Which means I haven't been regularly visiting my friends sites either. Please forgive. I should be back up to speed in a few days. so look out!

1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet & current car)
Heidi Altima

2.YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (fave ice cream flavor, favorite cookie)
Coffee Ginger Snap

3. YOUR “FLY Guy/Girl” NAME: (first initial of first name, first three letters of your last name)
MM-it (WHA?)

4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal)
Purple Giraffe

5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born)
Edith Frankfort

6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first) - Mitme

7. SUPERHERO NAME: (”The” + 2nd favorite color, favorite drink)
The Red Martini

8. NASCAR NAME: (the first names of your grandfathers)
Harry MacKenzie

9. STRIPPER NAME: (the name of your favorite perfume/cologne/scent, favorite candy) - Manifesto Toffee

10.WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother’s & father’s middle names)
Edith Morton

11. TV WEATHER ANCHOR NAME: (Your 5th grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter)
Miller Minneapolis

12. SPY NAME: (your favorite season/holiday, flower)
Spring Daffodil

13. CARTOON NAME: (favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now + "ie" or "y")
Pear Toppy

14. HIPPY NAME: (What you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree)
Apple Palm

15. YOUR ROCKSTAR TOUR NAME: (”The” + Your fave hobby/craft, fave weather element + “Tour”)
The Painting Rain Tour


now painting rain sounds like my kind of activity. do it if you want to, and let me know. I would like to see.

Pumpkin Patch

search

Ok. Our first pumpkin patch of the season was Sunday. We drove south to a friends house to check it out. They had dinosaurs, ghouls, a big inflatable slide, a jumper, and pumpkins galore! I managed to take a few shots. I love pumpkin time. Orange orbs of goodness.

stem

Can't wait to "smoosh 'em up" as the little one says, regarding the carving of the pumpkin.

happy tuesday bloggers.

Saturday, October 13

zoo date

Okay. going BACK to the zoo today. play date for the little one. he is excited about meeting up with his friend he ran into last weekend. I am excited to. I love michael.

long day. got a magnetic fishing rod with magnetic fish. and its cherished.

fish dreams

Wednesday, October 10

Ok Dreamers


I have had dreams come true in the past. One time I dreamt about nuclear holocaust while living in Houston. In part of this dream, on the wall of a rehearsal hall I was singing in, there was a painting of mouth shapes posed in the pronunciation position using different vowels or consonants. At the end of this dream, I was in a church preforming, and over the loud speaker someone announced "name your nemesis country here" had launched nuclear missiles and the president was retaliating. This announcement was to inform us to find shelter. I ran to the phone to call home. While waiting, I looked out the window. It was a lovely, clear, beautiful day. But in the distance, I saw large dark clouds getting closer, big booms were shaking the ground (yes I could feel them), and the sound of helicopters rushing people off the streets was deafening. That was basically the end of the dream. I woke up crying and shaking.

The next waking day I was on a first date with a guy. He took me to his friends house for some reason that I currently can't remember. While I waited for them to finish their talking in the other room, I wandered around the living room. On the wall of this mans apartment was the EXACT painting from the night before. Same colors, same lips, same red lines dividing the examples. When the two of them returned, I asked this stranger, "Have I ever met you before?"

He said, "No. I have never seen you before."

I asked, "Did you paint this painting?"

He responded, "NO, a friend did that for me. I am in a band, and she painted that for me."

I inquired. "Is she a famous artist, and would I have seen that somewhere in a show in this town?"

He said, "No. She gave it to me as a present. Its one of a kind."

Ok. So at this point I am really starting to freak out. I said, "You won't believe this but I had a dream about this exact painting last night. Exactly. Colors lips everything. Then there was a nuclear holocaust." and I laughed.

They both looked at me like I had two heads and said "yea, ok." I dropped it. But you can be damn sure I listened and freaked about helicopters all week.

So in telling you this, I had a dream about my cousin last night. She is pregnant. I have a very strong feeling she is going to have a boy. But its not going to be easy. After that one experience of telling the people I dream about what I have seen, I don't really share these visions I have with them. But rest assured, there is some element of the foresight in me. I wish I could harness that power for good!

Hope I can find a similar soul to share this with, someone else that has the "gift of insight".

Little Wonders

small fall

by Rob Thomas

Let it go,
let it roll right off your shoulder,
Don't you know,
the hardest part is over,
let it in,
Let your clarity define you in the end,
You will only just remember how it feels.
Our lives are made,
in these small hours,
these little wonders
These twisted turns of fate,
time falls away,
But these small hours,
these small hours, still remain.

Let it slide,
let your troubles fall behind you,
let it stand,
Till you feel it all around you,
And I don't mind if it's me you need to turn to, we'll get by,
It's the heart that really matters in the end.

Our lives are made,
in these small hours, these little wonders
These twisted turns of fate,
time falls away,
But these small hours,
these small hours, still remain.
All of my regret,
will wash away somehow,
But I cannot forgive the way I feel right now.
In these small hours,
these little wonders,
these twisted turns of fate,
All these twisted turns of fate,
these twisted turns of fate
Yeah, times falls away
But these small hours,
these small hours, still remain.
They still remain,
these little wonders,
all these twisted turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these little wonders
Still remain.


Smile, its just me. Its just you. Its just time. Instances don't define forever, they define now. A moment in time. Communicate with me. Forgive me when I don't understand the lack of it and act all crazy and exploding like a volcano. And I will forgive you when you don't accomplish it because you don't have the power, and time to or just wont because you are a little stubborn. And I am a lot.

lets have our little wonders.

Tuesday, October 9

Ms. Joan A.



I am tired of not having time to listen to music. Someone sent me a copy of this album. Its really quite good. A long time lover of Joan, I hadn't even heard about this album's release.

check it yourself. and please leave a note of your latest finds. NEED NEW MUSIC!

feed me seymour... (giggles).

Monday, October 8

The Zoo

Ok. The zoo was a lot more fun than I thought it would be! We found a coworker and her daugther, so we had kids to run with. The food was an interesting experience. And the weather was amazing. We also ran into a pre-school friend of my son's. His best buddy.
They are like peas and carrots... I hope to drive to a play date this weekend. They both were so sad to say goodbye to each other.
Boys

Sunday? Day of semi-rest for mommy. We pretty much didn't do anything but wrestle tickle, read books, nap and eat. Oh and watch cartoons of course. I got the pleasure of seeing El Tigre. I laughed my a** off. Not so much that it is overly funny, but Nickelodeon does an amazing job with its dialogs. Actually got into a conversation with some people on Saturday night about this very topic. How the old Fractured Fairly Tales, Rocky and Bullwinkle, etc... Cartoons were written for adults and children could enjoy them too. I didn't argue too much as these were people that don't watch modern day cartoons. But I find that even now, good cartoons have the exact same formula. Just more modern subject matter. Spongebob is a classic. Fairly Oddparents, scary but entertaining. Any way... Needless to say, my aura is very yellow! (my friend says that is the color of childlike mentality. :giggles:)

Hope you all had good weekends. Lets start this day off with a laugh... stoopit Mondays, ruining our weekends. :hurumph:

more cartoons please.

Friday, October 5

Explanations

I wrote a passage about someone the other night on the website I am always at, RadioParadise (that is a total clue, if you want to stalk me, I live over there). I wrote about someone that was wonderful but not wonderful for me.(Not talking about you smile, although we haven't had much to smile about lately).

A friend sent a message asking me to explain. I don't really know if I am capable. It would involve a lot of dialogue that I would rather do face to face. Guess I am going to have to go and visit him, and his family, and meet up with some other friends so I can have that discussion with him. My kid loves B. and so do I. Good father, good man, good husband. Maybe soon.

This weekend, more chores on Friday night. Zoo on Saturday, Party with friends Saturday night, Sunday, I have committed to going to church. sighs. I am not much for religion, but I grew up in the church, and feel that my son should have that exposure. At least once a month. And, then? BEACH! Or the avocado festival. Have to decide after seeing how the weather is.

happy weekends all you cyberites!

Thursday, October 4

School

Okay. I had to start thinking about where I was going to enroll the boy in school next year. Both my mother and my counselor think that enrolling him in school when he just turned five will be a mistake. Yesterday I toured an Open Alternative School. I think that this OAS school may alleviate that "too young for school" concern. The only reason I toured this school was because a co-worker's two daughters attended the OAS school. Her oldest is already in Jr. High, and is in "talented & gifted" classes.

Much to my joy it is a public school. Its basically a co-op that requires parents to contribute 2 hours a week in helping out with classes, special projects, field trips, or administrative work. I look forward to helping. They employ multi-age groupings which means the kindergarten class has first graders in it, etc. Their lesson plans (concepts) are based on theme and real life experience, so they can integrate this learning into their everyday life. They set aside time everyday for an open forum to discuss problems and successes of the day. How great is that to building self esteem and confidence?

As I sat listening to the director talk about this school, I got kind of teary eyed. Oh how I wish that I had this kind of opportunity in my early years. How much I hated the thought of going to school everyday. And how he wont have to have think that. And how lucky I am to let my son experience this. He is too smart to hold back, but too wild to be in a "classic" school environment. I have found a good place for him.

This move to California has been very, very hard on me, but it was the only way to make a life that he can flourish in. And the residuals aren't too shabby! I get to live and work in one of the most beautiful cities on the planet.

Thank you Universe for kicking my a** out of Texas!

Not that I don't love my Texas friends, I really do... really. I miss them. The California folks aren't Texans. Nope.

Monday, October 1

Fall in Line


Monday morning, crisp cool weather, not a cloud in the sky. A wonderful weekend. I have the day off on Wednesday, purely an oversite on my part, but going to take it. And do some stuff I need to do. Tour a school I wish my son to attend, color my hair, throw out TONZ of paperwork, donate clothes, clean my carpets... Go to the library.

Bet you think I can't accomplish all that in one day, do you!? I am the original energizer bunny. Its the damn brain o mine, there is no peace in that cavern. And I don't lament that one little bit. I just need to find some set paths to utilize it to its full potential.

Wow, its only Monday. You guys tired yet? Me? Just the beginning of another step towards destiny. Time to get things in line for greatness.

Hi HO!!!! :whistles:

Friday, September 28

Remaining Positive


The most reflective part of my day is while driving. Its the time of day when I have time to focus on whats up with me. Despite all the other people on the road, driving is a meditative process for me. Left, Right, stop, go, fairly simple. I actually can reflect and hear myself thinking. So this morning during driving meditation time, I was sparked with an awareness of my negativity. Yea. Its annoying.

I found myself saying things that were negative and oppressive. You are late, because you can't ever be on time, you are lazy, etc. I caught it. Realized it was happening. This is a rare occurrence when I actually stop beating me up. I felt so proud of myself at that moment. Then, I thought, look at how you treat yourself. Why would you expect anyone else to treat you better? Start looking at the things that are good about you. Begin with canceling out this "negative about self" speech.

Now granted, I am imperfect, being human and all. There are times when I am going to flub and falter, and royally muck up the muckity muck. But beating myself up about it is a waste of energy. And its non-productive. Acknowledge and move on. And love thyself without being a martyr. mantra established.

Speaking of the monkey on my back, I have to find a monkey suit (somebody wants to be curious george for halloween). awesome right?

;-)

happy weekends my friends.

Thursday, September 27

Feelin Crappy

Ok, I am sad, not miserably so, but, I am running a slight fever and feel like my nose is full of mud. So I decided not to spread my germs at class tonight. I haven't been sleeping so well, I hope that with a little nyquil, I can make up for that tonight.

see you all tomorrow. :snore:

Wednesday, September 26

Mayor of the Munchkin City...

Cute huh? that is what I first thought of. thanks for the reminder hairy!

tubby horns

Yea. little devil in the bathtub got horns. On another note, I bought the book by Super Nanny. Time to brush up on my parenting skills. (as if i had any to begin with). I wrote a blog all about it on my memsahib visions blog, as blogger, well, was hiccuping all morning.

A GOOD CONVERSATION:

My last thought of today is, how nice it felt to call a friend that is TRULY down and out. He informed me that he had gotten more bad news. I was calling him to give him some good news.

He said, "I am in the park. I had to get outside, because I got two pieces of bad news."

I said, "Then you are in luck, because here is some good news! Now lay back in the sun, soak up the warmth, and smile. And make a list!"

You could hear his smile for the people that are showing they care. Its not just me, there are some really great people out there helping. I was the lucky one that got to hear the gratitude in his voice. Love does wonders for the soul, truly.

Thanks for that gift universe. I hope that this brings abundance to him and the people involved in more than one way.

namaste.

Tuesday, September 25

Toothpaste for Dinner



I have seen them before. I was lamenting the fact I didn't get to sleep until 3AM. And while looking for an image I came across a couple that I wanted to share.

anyway, I am too d*mn tired to type today. I will be lucky not to fall into a coma on the commute home.

this one kind of scared me. :eek:



see you tomorrow. :yawn:

Monday, September 24

Kartwheels!

kartwheel

are you diggin my mad kartwheelin' skillz? yea. I did that. isn't the kid a hoot? trying to understand the physics? awesome. :cool:

happy monday everyone. hope you had wonderful weekends.

Friday, September 21

Critique

So, I had drawing class last night. My second class. For some really odd reason, I didn't feel like going. Now I know that was all mental, so decided to stop and get a brew on the way to class. I arrived early, got a parking space right in front of the door, opened my beer, turned on Patty G and enjoyed a few minutes of guilty pleasures. Taking some deep breathes, singing, and calming myself down.

One of the reasons I think I was so reluctant, it was the first night I was going to have to put up my work for critique. Now, I am not the worst artist in the class, so that makes me feel pretty good! I could be the second or third to worst, I can live with that. I am there to learn, and experience. Absorb the abilities of the others in the room. And make new artist friends. ha!

So doing much better last night with the quick sketches. Its interesting that no matter what you are doing creatively, you still have boundaries that make you feel more comfortable. The first night, i did sketches on LARGE pieces of paper. I didn't have time to fill up that space, and was beating myself up trying to do that. Getting lost. So last night, I cut up smaller squares, and could actually fill up the space with most of the figure and not waste time. I am glad I found that one out.

Then, on to the longer poses. I have a hard time actually seeing what is in front of me. I tend to exaggerate or minimize things. And proportion? Anyone that has taken a drawing class understands the proportion, and foreshortening, etc, difficulties. Practice. I need more practice. I got three fairly good drawings. And the teacher actually complimented me while I was drawing. YIKES!

Critique time, I select one. One that I liked... and my new friend Joan liked too. I put it up on the board. It was one of the last images to be critiqued. The two words that came out of his mouth that encouraged me, was surreal, and good line quality. In my opinion it was kind of ghostlike and unfinished. One step at a time. Soon I will be drawing all over the walls, and stuff!

OK. I am drawing. Its getting better. And I am not the worst one in the class. YES!!!!

I am really a fairly simple girl... or should I say woman? no matter. The little things really do make me happy.

Thursday, September 20

I need a roll in the hay.


Yes. There. I said it. No going back. Fall always makes me want to cuddle up on the couch, in bed, under a blanket at the football games. Wanting to hibernate with a loved one. Fall makes me think of snuggling.

Oh well... Somewhere beyond the sea, somewhere waiting for me... :whistle:

_______________

totally unrelated thought. I think ani defranco has awesome lyrics... but I can't stand her music and lyrics together. it makes me want to break things... like my earphones or plates or anything. sorry ani, you are grating and irritating. I keep giving you a shot, but cest la vie. we are not meant to be.

there. cleansed.

Wednesday, September 19

Avast me Hearties


Today is...

International Talk Like a Pirate Day.
In keepin with the theme, here are some pick up lines to use when you go out drinkin with yer mateys... ARGG!!!

Top Ten Pickup lines for use on International Talk Like a Pirate Day

For the Guys...


10. Avast, me proud beauty! Wanna know why my Roger is so Jolly?

9. Have ya ever met a man with a real yardarm?

8. Come on up and see me urchins.

7. Yes, that is a hornpipe in my pocket and I am happy to see you.

6. I'd love to drop anchor in your lagoon.

5. Pardon me, but would ya mind if fired me cannon through your porthole?

4. How'd you like to scrape the barnacles off of me rudder?

3. Ya know, darlin’, I’m 97 percent chum free.

2. Well blow me down?

1. Prepare to be boarded.

Top Ten Pickup Lines for the Lady Pirates

10. What are YOU doing here?

9. Is that a belayin' pin in yer britches, or are ye ... (this one is never completed)

8. Come show me how ye bury yer treasure, lad!

7. So, tell me, why do they call ye, "Cap'n Feathersword?"

6. That's quite a cutlass ye got thar, what ye need is a good scabbard!

5. Aye, I guarantee ye, I've had a twenty percent decrease in me "lice ratio!"

4. I've crushed seventeen men's skulls between me thighs!

3. C'mon, lad, shiver me timbers!

2. RAMMING SPEED!

1. You. Pants Off. Now!


I think number 8 on the ladies list is my favorite. And I like number one on the mens list. :giggles:

yo ho ho let's share a bottle of Rum! :arggggg:

and if that wasn't enough, here is my pirate name.



My pirate name is:


Mad Jenny Kidd



Every pirate is a little bit crazy. You, though, are more than just a little bit. Even though you're not always the traditional swaggering gallant, your steadiness and planning make you a fine, reliable pirate. Arr!

Get your own pirate name from piratequiz.com.
part of the fidius.org network

Tuesday, September 18

Money Meditation



The other day there was a brief quiet moment in my apartment. No child noises, no TV noises, no outside noises... I was sitting staring out the window thinking about how I need some financial assistance with this life I am trampling through. A voice in my head, just laid out this thought for me. It said, there are enough oranges on the tree to feed everyone. No more, no less. I kind of freaked out for a minute. Then I realized it was just a peaceful voice, reassuring me. I have no idea where it came from. Hadn't heard it before. The message made so much sense to me at that moment, my mind stopped thinking about it.

I realized that my concerns about money were just concerns. I also realized that I should be grateful for what I do have. And I am. So... stop looking at the tree and see the oranges. yep.

"gotta do that HI. Ed's got her hands full here with this little angel."
:wink:

Monday, September 17

Nittin Swahney


Now what rock have I been hiding under for the last few years, I haven't been able to enjoy this man's music? Send me some if you have any favorites. THANKS!


edit: I just purchased Philtre through ITunes, because I love that song Mausam. I have no idea what she is saying, but I LOVE it. Give it a listen...

Sunday, September 16

Contemplation

I was thinking about something the other day. Thinking about a friend of mine, well, someone that used to be my friend. Thinking about some of the things he said to me. And the ambiguity of it all. what was reality in comparison to what was being said. I realized that we all do this. We tell ourselves lies to get past things we don't want to see in ourselves. And the people that are truly the most secure with themselves find no need to lie. Flaws are human. I accept them. But I also use them as an excuse to be selfish and self centered. Sh*t. I hate growing up. It takes all the fun out of being irresponsible, and negligent to the feelings of others.

I have come up with three or four big lies I tell myself. But not sure that I should talk about them here. One is that I am a loving person. I am not so sure about that one. I know I am capable of love. I know that I can love selflessly, but I do have a side of me that expects the kind of love in return that I give. And maybe its not a lie that I am a loving person. I think its a lie for me to believe that I am as lovable as I see myself.

So I ask you. How honest with yourself are you? I must plant a tree and watch it grow. And honesty is the best fertilizer. Its on my list to create that platform for myself. And when I can't be honest, because it will damage someone? I will find a way to not lie to them.

man. too deep for a monday morning eh? well, i did this on sunday night. ;-)

Saturday, September 15

Final Beach Day

holeI fear this is the last weekend of good beach weather. I love hanging on the beach all day, under the umbrella, playing in the water, relaxing in the sun. getting tan.

sighs. enjoy your peace.

namaste

Thursday, September 13

Go Figure

So I decided to take a figure drawing class instead. I really need the practice in sketching and perspective. I was amazed at how quickly that all comes back.

I suck at gestures, but give me a fifteen-twenty minute pose, I do much better!!!

Onward. Watercolors next time around. If I don't get addicted to figure drawing.

more to come.

Wednesday, September 12

Class

sunset

You may have seen that painting I put up the other day. A good friend of mine has offered to watch my son one night a week so that I can go to a painting class.

Hallelujah! I have been missing painting for so long now, I can't believe that this opportunity is going to happen for me! I have her to thank. I hope I can find something to help her with someday.

OK. so, which class to choose? I am thinking watercolors. But I will keep you informed as to which I choose to conquer. Its time to start living my passion for art.

and while you wait, here is a SB sunset pic I took last night... enjoy.

Namaste.

Tuesday, September 11

Liz Meme

Another Meme from the Lizbet. This is it for a while people. No more taggin. K? K.

1. Black and White or Color; how do you prefer your movies?
I like both. I do like old Black and White movies, just don't see them as much anymore.

2. What is the one single subject that bores you to near-death?
Wow. More than one, but right now? Politics. What a waste of time.

3. MP3s, CDs, Tapes or Records: what is your favorite medium for prerecorded music? MP3's, and CD's

4. You are handed one first class trip plane ticket to anywhere in the world and ten million dollars cash. All of this is yours provided that you leave and not tell anyone where you are going ever. This includes family, friends, everyone. Would you take the money and ticket and run?
For one second I would say Hell Yea. But I have a son, and he needs me. And he needs his family.

5. Seriously, what do you consider the world's most pressing issue now?

Ignorance and Prejudice. It makes war possible, it keeps people that are in danger, in danger, it takes food out of the mouths of the hungry, etc. I see these as the biggest issues of mankind.

6. How would you rectify the world's most pressing issue?
I wish I knew. I have no concrete advice on how to rid the world of them. Communication and information dissemination is at a peak, but journalism is still involved with greed and prejudice. How do you end it?

7. You are given the chance to go back and change one thing in your life; what would that be? I would have slept with that sculpture artist in college. Yep. And I would have pursued my musical/artistic talents as a career more.

8. You are given the chance to go back and change one event in world history, what would that be? Would have saved Jesus from the cross, made him keep on going. Imagine where religion would be today if it wasn't based on martyrism (is that a word?).

9. A night at the opera, or a night at the Grand Ole' Opry” which do you choose? The opera. I love the opera.

10. What is the one great unsolved crime of all time you'd like to solve? Jack the Ripper.

11. One famous author can come to dinner with you. Who would that be, and what would you serve for the meal? Interesting. So many choices. I think Mark Twain (or Will Rogers). I love to have lighthearted warm and comical conversations at dinner. Blackened catfish, dirty rice, spinach and egg salad with bacon dressing, Bourbon and cigars. For dessert? pecan pie.

12. You discover that John Lennon was right, that there is no hell below us, and above us there is only sky - what's the first immoral thing you might do to celebrate this fact? Wait this is hell, because I can't do anything immoral without being punished. (and even people with great hearts and pure souls, get punished). So what is the question again? Oh. I just don't have immorality in me. Although, sleeping with Johnny Depp, who is a married man.. (wink to the I.C.) would be considered immoral. Like he would have me. HA.

13. If you could be anywhere in the world as you are answering this, where would that be?

In bed. In a hotel in Florence. and not alone. with room service. and fluffy robes. and painted toes... (sounds like a song).

I did this because Liz asked me to. If you heathens wanna try it, feel free! I saw it as an easy out for a Monday blog, seeing as I am in a total funk this month so far. Enjoy.

Sunday, September 9

Smiles Ahoy.

Okay, this really sucks. but I am publishing it anyway.
_________________________

I'm tortured and troubled
I'm living in a bubble,
I am waiting in the blue
& your smile to pull me through.

gone on a ship to another shore
you left me standing at the door
there are waves washing the moment
away to another time from here.

I picked my battle to save myself
I wonder if you care?
have you taken a minute to think
about how you would feel standing here?

one day I was the world,
the oyster that you opened
to find a pearl inside, but now
replaced with a new grain of sand.

i have been closed back in there
dimming one by one the times we shared
my smile came easy when I said your name
and now I shiver by the dying flame.

call me dramatic or poor of sight
but I don't see a way to let go
of something that demands my right
to have a heart that sings my name

out loud in the sun and in the rain
unafraid of resonance, or reverberation
a place for my eyes to rest and relive
the youthful days love reminds us of.

I won't easily forget the day
or the nights that have passed
but i have to keep my hands inside
the ring for now. making a new painting.

smile for me, i don't know
how else to make it right
you have left this to me to carry
so carry it I will now breathing heavy.

Thursday, September 6

A Selection

Just a few quick blurbs for today. Have to get them out of my head, and down on the virtual journal.

Meno posted about an exchange student. And mentioned a japanese schoolgirl mullet. Is this what it looks like?




Someone has hijacked my old Photoblog... How the frack is that possible?

If you want to access the new one, its here.

Does anyone know how to delete blogs? hm....

*

Poor Slacker keeps asking me to direct people to his blog. I am a bigger slacker than he I am guessing. Here you go buddy. I am informing my few constituents to stray over to your international exploits!

*

I am considering taking up some form of writing, but not sure which direction to turn. What are your thoughts here readers? Do you have any opinions about my writing style? Now is your time to make them known, good or bad.

*

Do you ever wonder why things happen, and in a series of unrelated events, all those unrelated happenings, all pieces end up fitting together? I always find that completely intriguing. Happened recently.

*

I am always excited when I hear from friends that I haven't in a long time. Its good to know someone still remembers you fondly. Exceptions? the kids in High School. I was living at home for a brief time, not to long ago, and ran into a few people that I knew in High School. I couldn't remember anything about them, including thier names. That sucked. Guess I have been living a pretty full life outside that arena. And only a few were really memorable.

*

OK. thats it. Done with the mundane boredom of it. Had to write, and it is written. Is it FRIDAY yet? sighs.

Tuesday, September 4

Das Interviewing

Some time ago, Ali did an interview blog. I offered myself up as bait. She finally took to it. So the following is a list of questions she posted to me. The rules for completing this meme follow my responses. Lets Begin!!!!


1) You moved from Texas to California a couple of years ago. Are you settled and at home?

I am not sure I am ever going to be the kind of person that is settled. I have moved many different places in the last ten years. I still have belongings in Dallas, Houston, San Antonio and Ft. Myers. I did find myself saying to a good friend the other day though, I feel like I have finally found a home. I don't know exactly how I am going to make it out here, as it is costly. I have some ideas in mind, and in the process of accomplishing those, I get to go to the beach, hang out with some really cool peeps, enjoy a fairly stress free job, and have a really great "tan".

2) Freelance work or 9-5 for The Man?

Being a single mom, I am 9-5 for the Man. The benefits are all that matter for the time being. Plus my job now, is really great, fairly stress free and the people are the best. They treat their employees better than any company I have ever worked for. And I have had myself some good jobs, Neiman Marcus, Ernst & Young, etc. I am going to ride this wave as long as it lasts. Until I start my own "vision" of what my ultimate creative job is. Next year starts that transformation.

3) What is your favorite thing about living where you do?

There are so many wonderful things about this magical spot. But, being a Pisces, with other water signs in my chart, I have to say its the beach. The ocean calls me out of myself. And if you have ever been to Santa Barbara CA, you would feel the richness of this area for yourself. Its an interesting place to breath. And living in a resort town, despite the costs, is kind of relaxing. Most everyone here is really laid back. Now to find my niche in obtaining some of that "tourist" cash flow. :wink:

4) How do you like your "new" D40?

That when it is in my hand, it feels like its a part of me. It fits there so nicely. I happen to believe that Nikon makes the best cameras. I love my camera. LOVE it. Its my escape sometimes. I can tell when I am depressed, because those are the days I don't feel like taking pictures.

As an artist, I create pictures and stories in my head. From the time I was a little girl, I have had some very intense and amazing dreams. And seeing as I don't have time to paint them right now, I am capturing future paintings. I find that photography is the most communicative way for now that I can transfer my visions so that others can understand them. It conveys the beauty, and aspects of life that I observe. No pretense or implications. I just look and snap.

5) If you could have lunch with ANYONE, who would it be?

Sighs. There is a LIST!

Athlete: Babe Didrikson

Actor: Johnny Depp (at the nude beach, with a blanket, an umbrella, some wine, cheese, sunscreen and a guitar.)

musician: Patty Griffin and John Lennon

Historical figure: A philosopher. Confucius

Artist: Rene Magritte and Van Gogh

Religious figure: God. the big entity. I have quite a few questions. :wink:

But, the most feasible of these? In this moment, with no doubts, I have a good friend that lives in Arizona, that I haven't met. I want to be in the same space as this person for just a few minutes. Well, an entire day would be best. :giggles:

___________________________________________________________________

Okay dear readers, here is your opportunity to expose yourself to my queries.

Interview rules:
1. Leave me a comment saying “Interview me.”
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with a post containing your the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Are you ready? Game? I hope so. I would really enjoy asking you the questions. Enjoy!

Preschool.

Summer is officially over. Fall is approaching. All visting company has finished for the time being. Hallelujah. I love you sis, thanks for the great weekend!

With that out of the way, today is a landmark day. Today is the first day of junior/mini-me's preschool adventure. He said to me this morning, we are NOT going back to (previous daycare provider's) house. And almost started crying.

I reassured him he was not. He was going to start at the preschool. Then he turned into an energizer/leaping bunny! I will remind him of this day on his first day of school, his senior year. HA!~ (and maybe every year, just so we have some "tradition").

Happy Work Week not actually Monday but Tuesday. :whistle: (that doesn't even make sense to me.)

Monday, September 3

Comment Moderation

Seems I have picked up a scab from another persons blog. A pathetic meddler, who has nothing better to do than to harass others. Unfortunately for my readers, that means I am choosing to moderate my comments, so that you don't have to read the barf he is depositing here.

I appreciate your understanding, and if you want to see who he is, I left one of his comments on the "Daughters" post.

Thanks. Ease on down, Ease on down the road... :whistle:

Friday, August 31

Daughters

I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
But she's just like a maze
Where all of the walls all continually change
And I've done all I can
To stand on the steps with my heart in my hands
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it's got nothing to do with me

Fathers be good to your daughters,
Daughters will love like you do,
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters too

Oh, you see that skin?
It's the same shes been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now shes left
Cleaning up the mess he made

So Fathers be good to your daughters,
Daughters will love like you do,
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters too

Boys you can break
You'll find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong and
Boys soldier on
But boys would be gone
without warmth from
A woman's good, good heart

On behalf of every man
Looking out for every girl
You are the god and the weight of her world
So Fathers be good to your daughters,
Daughters will love like you do,
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters too

John Mayer ~ Daughters
____________________________________________

I remember the first time I heard this song on the radio. I don't really remember where I was, but I remember thinking, wow. I had a father that was not home much at all, and so I barely got to know him as a man while growing up. I learned a little after completing my interview with him last weekend. Why do most men find it so difficult to be forthcoming about themselves? Is it something that shows weakness being human? Is it just something they have no reason to regurgitate? I understand there are differences between the sexes. I guess I grew up thinking that we were more alike than we are because I didn't have a complete exposure. who knows. And I am silly to assume that men can understand women either! :giggles:

That being said, I am sorry to 3 men that I have hurt (regarding my personal intimate relationships) for my inability to see you for what you were, and respect that. And not beat you up because you are who you are. I have no excuses only a realization that I could probably have done things differently, for myself, and for the sustaining of our "time" together in a more peaceable fashion. Water under the bridge. I still love each of you, but its done. You have moved on with life, as have I.

Now, I am in the process of molding a little man. YIKES! i am roflol, like that is going to happen. Its more like, show him what is acceptable and what isn't, punish accordingly, and give him tons and tons of love. right? RIGHT? geez.

men are different. i love them with all my being, but, very very different.