There are many ways of breaking a heart. Stories were full of hearts broken by love,
but what really broke a heart was taking away its dream - whatever that dream might be.
Pearl S. Buck

Tuesday, January 30

Weight Watchers

Okay... I am up one pound! sighs. I think after a weekend of having company, eating out almost every meal, serving a group of friends a wonderful plate of excellent cheese, and bread from the locally owned shops, some shrimp over angel hair pasta with red wine, and home made dark choco chip cookies, one lb is a gift! A GIFT I tell you!

But now? Its on to the next loss. Moving to my next goal. No company for quite some time, so, I am back to eating my salads, and veggie soup for the month. Goal by the birthday March 13th is 20lbs (or more).

Wish me luck. and will power! :hrumph:

Saturday, January 27

Common Courtesy

I have a friend visiting. We decided to go to this place for lunch. its small. Not much room to sit down and eat. I can live with that. We decide that 15 mins isnt too long to wait, even though we have a toddler in tow.

As we stand there, growing more impatient, I notice a boy and his older woman date sitting to my right. beside them are two chairs in the corner, and one on the other side of them. Plenty of room for us if they would move down one foot. So i walk over with my kid and set my purse down on the counter, saying do you mind just scooting down a bit so we can have some lunch? Being courteous myself, and thinking why wouldn't he be accommodating to someone else who may want to eat in this crowded restaurant!? He looks at me like a deer in the headlights trying to think of a proper response. He says, well, there isn't any room over there. (Okay there is enough room to his right and left for TWO people!) I said, is that a yes or a no? He goes into some other dissertation about not enough room... I said, is that a yes or a no? He said, no. If I didn't have any manners at all I would have called him on it. "Didn't your mama teach you manners or courtesy? Or is this your mother sitting next to you? And if that is the case, I understand why you are a selfish moron!!" I didn't want my son to see me being an ass. Well, not that day anyway. :giggles:

ARGGGGGG!!!!! Fine. I can handle selfishness, its the way spoiled rich people lean in this town, but not before I let everyone know he was by saying is that a yes or a no... wink: Needless to say, about 10 minutes later I opted to leave, since 20 minutes waiting is too much for a toddler.

As we exit, this really cool older woman standing in line says, "Don't you hope he chokes a little on his crab!" Well, DUH! There was no news in the paper. Oh well, just karma down the line, and from my observation, he will have a long line of it waiting at some point.


Wednesday, January 24

Oprah, Out of my Dreams!

So I am having this dream, and all of the sudden Oprah is there! This is the third time this year. (And we are not far into this year) Now considering she has a home within a 15 mile radius of me, that may not be too weird. But the weird thing is that she is always on my case!

So I have this dream I am working for a woman who is building a fabulous new house. Very New Mexico flavor, but still Mediterranean. (I really should have studied my math, and become an architect or interior decorator, this place was beautiful) It was cluttered etc, full of her stuff... I was there to house sit I think. It was on a river of some kind. Muddy water. I found myself in a boat going to check out the house, with a couple of friends of mine, and when we got to the house, Oprah was there! She and two of her nieces were spending the night! sighs. ( I have had a previous dream about Oprah's house on a stream that i visited, and her house looked colonial/shingled outside, with a victorian theme inside~as if!) So anyway, I felt like I was invading! And her nieces did also. I spent the night, and then my two friends left me there. took off in the canoe! Oprah has a shit-load of people in the next day. And all kinds of caterers, and decorating people show up to fix up this house. I asked her for a ride, because my canoe had set sail, she said I am not sure I can (bitch!) Then she sets me in front of a panel of various women to answer questions about myself. One was about my weight, one question was about why my friends left me, on and on etc. Then I started coughing and woke up.

WEIRD! really weird. I am still thinking about it. what does this mean? McDreamy? anyone?

I guess I need to go shopping at the Montecito Von's, or Trader Joe's and run into her. Can you imagine that conversation? Hey Oprah! Nice to meet you. Did you dream about me last week, because I dreamt about you. Stay OUT! yea. or maybe I should ask her does she need any house sitting done?

Monday, January 22

Weight Watchers Week 1

Well, as promised I am going to keep you posted about my Weight Watchers experience. I am hoping that keeping this weekly journal enhances my choice making, and keeps me on the right track to a healthier me!

The beauty of this program is it promotes healthier eating. I find that when I start eating more vegetables & whole grains, I feel better. I look better. I have more energy. I chose to do the flex plan, as I HAVE to keep count of what I am eating and proportions. Keeping track and going to meetings is what makes this work for my mindset. They have a core plan that allows you to eat any of the foods on the core list freely. That is like sticking out a bowl of food for me... GRAZING! I am going to choose foods from the core plan mostly, but keep track of the points in addition. That way I have the flexibility to have things that aren't on the list, like Vodka, (ooo and CHOCOLATE!) occasionally.

And now for the beef of the entire process. In this corner weighing in five pounds lighter, Its the Memsahib! Man that feels good! Yea me!

I celebrated by having a subway sandwich and a diet beverage! I am NOT going back. I have quit smoking. I am eating healthy. I blame it all on this damn sunny, beautiful people, living close to the beach having to wear a bathing suit, wanting to feel a healthier me environment! Damn southern California paradise. tee hee!

anyway, its just the first week. keep your links fresh for next weeks measuring down (its all a choice).

Saturday, January 20

So visible I am invisible

Leave the body leave the mind
Leave the body leave the mind
Every promise every place behind

I just happen to feel so alone
For today for all days to come

I just wanna be wanna be gone
I just wanna be wanna be gone

Leave the quiet leave the night
Leave the quiet leave the night
Broken feelings of dreams out of sight

Pictures in your head at night
For tonight for all nights to come

Erased for good and always gone
Erased for good and always gone

Leave the city leave the cold
Leave the city leave the cold
Young people far too old

Let me cross a very fine line
For today for a lifetime
For today for a lifetime

Leave the body leave the mind
Let me
Leave the body leave the mind
Every promise every place behind

I just happen to feel so alone
For today for all days to come
For today for all days to come

I just wanna be wanna be gone

To be gone - Anna Ternheim

How I am feeling. Do you ever wonder about your life? why some people are in it? Do we put them there? Choose them for the things we have to learn about ourselves? and if we do, is that a selfish motivation? Or do you call it fate? self preservation or maybe its just as it is.

And if the wall is a wall, why isn't easier for me to stop hitting my head against it? There are so many times I feel old, f*cking ancient. Like i have been doing this for so long I should be way long long long gone. Gone. And yet these experiences that live in my genes are useful in some way. I hope I can figure out how to harness the energy and use it for a future purpose. not a retrograde relationship with myself.

thank you anna. I like this song and its poignant piano. sigh.

Tuesday, January 16

Weight Watchers...

Time! Yes Every Monday I will be updating you on the progress of my weight loss. I hope that I can really go all the way this time...

So, my first goal is a big one! But.. I am marching towards victory for even starting this campaign.

Are you ready to Lose!? Hell yea!

Thursday, January 11

Grandma Flora

Flora Von Allmen Mitchell (nickname Flo), Passed away January 10th, 2007.

Her parents came by ship from Switzerland to America before she was born, and settled in Kentucky. She was the next to the youngest of 7 children: Otto, Julius, Matilda, Freda, Hilda, Flora, and Freddy. The youngest child, her little brother Freddy, was killed by a streetcar when he was only 5 years old. She was only 8 years old when her mother died. Her father never remarried and raised his children himself (with help from the older sisters).Her father and his brothers owned a large dairy, Von Allmen Dairy, in Louisville. She grew up on the dairy farm and still remembers roller-skating in the dairy barn where there was concrete. Her dad had a fruit orchard and grew vegetables on the farm also, including an asparagus bed.

She graduated from Atherton High School and attended secretarial school. She met her future husband because they rode the same bus on occasion, and he started riding his bicycle to visit her.

She married Harry Morton Mitchell of Louisville on May 19, 1934. Harry was a manager with Southern Bell Telephone Company, which required that they move around the state many times. They lived in Louisville, Harlan, Georgetown, Richmond, Paris, Winchester, and Frankfort KY.

Flo became a widow when her husband died suddenly of an aneurysm while they were vacationing in Daytona Beach, Florida with friends. They had just attended the Daytona 500 race and were eating dinner when he collapsed. He was only 60 years old at the time. She never remarried, although I am sure she had offers. She responded to me once about that saying, "I have already been married." She loved playing golf, was an excellent artist, and took to knitting and quilting in her golden years. It is said I resemble her in looks. I can see it in my nose and eyes. I did inherit her talent for the arts.

Two of the things I remember her saying to me:
"I loved your grandfather very much. He was a wonderful man." Its the ONLY time I ever saw her cry.

I asked her once if you could go back and do anything, what would it be, She responded,
"I always wanted to learn how to fly a plane. I would take flying lessons."

She was a very funny woman. Loved to laugh. Still spunky up until the final hours. She drank bourbon every day. Loved some TV sports, and Wheel of Fortune. Despite her love for Pizza and chinese food, she kept her girlish figure all through her life. I am sure that my father is hurting right now, and wish I was there to help him. But as life goes, it was her time.

Rest in peace Granny. We loved you.

Wednesday, January 10

Down and Out

So, just to prove what a MAJOR slacker I am, I just took down the Christmas tree last night. yea. It was pretty crispy, but still smelled amazing. The kid says to me, "More Christmas tree?" I think that is one of the reasons I kept it up longer, was his enjoyment of the lights at night. (that and my extreme laziness) It is down, and out by the curb waiting pickup. YES!

Now that I am home and working on getting past the holiday crap, I acknowledge that I must be suffering from some low grade depression. The reason is I feel as though I am just going through the motions of my life. No real interest in looking my best, or finding happiness in anything (not like me at all). This past weekend, I spent sleeping mostly. I must have needed it, because I feel like I haven't slept in about six weeks. But I don't want my son to suffer because of it... time to access and turn this around.

This morning, in a flash during a conversation with my sis, I realized that while I am at my parents house, I tend to pent up my frustrations. I don't express true emotions. The drama in that circle is already too much for me, then to add my own on top would be like adding one drop of snow and creating an avalanche. Some may say, let that snow fall! Get it all out! In hindsight, yea, maybe that would have erased some of the stress I felt being there. But my feelings are that this final trip was one that taught me an important lesson. Time for me to make decisions regarding my family that do not require bending to others wishes. I love my family. They are good people, individually. But when we all get together in a room, its tense, its historical, and its not completely resolved, because we each have a little something that is hiding from the past. Even though we have worked hard to get on with our lives, in that dynamic, it surfaces. In addition, this time of year I am more aware of the missing element from our little family. We are not in a bad way being just a duo. It's just we could both use a new friend. Diffuse some of the mommy & son tension that arises.

Whew. Medication? Definitely. Therapy? maybe, But most likely I will start working out, painting, writing, and playing music... And trying to have some more free time to follow some of my own desires.

Yea its Wednesday! Almost the weekend, when I will get to enjoy some daylight hours. I miss that. Okay good peeps.... EVER ONWARD!

Friday, January 5

Why does it Hurt to Feel Good?

This morning, I had a little crying jag. I was feeling good and all of the sudden started crying. I think I need some therapy. Why is it we can't be comfortable when good things happen to us? Or is that just me? Hm...

I need to analyze this a bit so I can be happy when I am happy, and sad when I am sad. Do I feel guilty for being happy? Feel guilty for the pleasures I am allowed in this life? Am I worried that someone doesn't have it as good as I do, so I should feel sad?

Must be some leftovers from the childhood days. I rarely think about all that now, its history. But there is some residual in there keeping me from being in the now enjoying the little things. And that really isn't something I want to live with. DAMN! just when I had it all together, someone pulled out the rug from underneath me, and it was ME! :sheesh:

blah blah blech! anyway... Guster on the new NANO! :cheesygrin:

Come Downstairs and Say Hello ~ Guster

"Dorothy moves to click her ruby shoes
Right in tune with Dark Side of the Moon
Someone someone could tell me
Where I belong
Be calm be brave it'll be okay

No more messing around and living underground
And New Year's resolutions
By this time next year I won't be here
I turn on turn on MTV the volume's down
Lips move they say
It'll be okay

To tell you the truth I've said it before
Tomorrow I start in a new direction
One last time these words from me
I�m never saying them again
And I shut the light
And listen as my watch unwinds

To tell you the truth I've said it before
Tomorrow I start in a new direction
I know I've been half-asleep
I�m never doing that again

I look straight at what's coming ahead
And soon it's going to change in a new direction
Every night as I'm falling asleep
These words repeated in my head

Voices calling from a yellow road
To come downstairs and say hello
Don't be shy just say hello

To tell you the truth I've said it before
Tomorrow I start in a new direction
I know I've been half-asleep

I'm never doing that again
I look straight at what's coming ahead
And soon it's going to change in a new direction
Every night as I'm falling asleep
Those words repeated in my head"

Wednesday, January 3

Happy New Year!

To all that pass my way! I am thankful to be back in California after my vacation to Texas. I hope that all of you are doing well and had great holidays. Will be catching up this week on all your blogs. I have not even looked here in two weeks. It was nice not to have to be on the computer much.

Entry about my holidays to come this week. Welcome back to reality! :eye-roll: