There are many ways of breaking a heart. Stories were full of hearts broken by love,
but what really broke a heart was taking away its dream - whatever that dream might be.
Pearl S. Buck

Wednesday, January 10

Down and Out

So, just to prove what a MAJOR slacker I am, I just took down the Christmas tree last night. yea. It was pretty crispy, but still smelled amazing. The kid says to me, "More Christmas tree?" I think that is one of the reasons I kept it up longer, was his enjoyment of the lights at night. (that and my extreme laziness) It is down, and out by the curb waiting pickup. YES!

Now that I am home and working on getting past the holiday crap, I acknowledge that I must be suffering from some low grade depression. The reason is I feel as though I am just going through the motions of my life. No real interest in looking my best, or finding happiness in anything (not like me at all). This past weekend, I spent sleeping mostly. I must have needed it, because I feel like I haven't slept in about six weeks. But I don't want my son to suffer because of it... time to access and turn this around.

This morning, in a flash during a conversation with my sis, I realized that while I am at my parents house, I tend to pent up my frustrations. I don't express true emotions. The drama in that circle is already too much for me, then to add my own on top would be like adding one drop of snow and creating an avalanche. Some may say, let that snow fall! Get it all out! In hindsight, yea, maybe that would have erased some of the stress I felt being there. But my feelings are that this final trip was one that taught me an important lesson. Time for me to make decisions regarding my family that do not require bending to others wishes. I love my family. They are good people, individually. But when we all get together in a room, its tense, its historical, and its not completely resolved, because we each have a little something that is hiding from the past. Even though we have worked hard to get on with our lives, in that dynamic, it surfaces. In addition, this time of year I am more aware of the missing element from our little family. We are not in a bad way being just a duo. It's just we could both use a new friend. Diffuse some of the mommy & son tension that arises.

Whew. Medication? Definitely. Therapy? maybe, But most likely I will start working out, painting, writing, and playing music... And trying to have some more free time to follow some of my own desires.

Yea its Wednesday! Almost the weekend, when I will get to enjoy some daylight hours. I miss that. Okay good peeps.... EVER ONWARD!


  1. hang tough. You will overcome this little detour. Meds? go for it!

    working out always makes me feel a lot better......

  2. thanks goddess. Yea some homeopathic remedies I discovered that work for my ADD combined with the depression.

    Also have found a book I think I may buy, but... since I have three parenting books to read right now, and I haven't even started those... Ha!

    Thanks for the encouragement. :hug:

  3. January 9th is not so bad for taking a Christmas tree down.

    You want real laziness? I didn't even put one up!

    I did, however, clean my girlfriend's house and put up Christmas lights while she was at work one night.

    Phew...I'm exhausted just typing that shit!

  4. Oh, are we supposed to be taking our Christmas stuff down? Really? Already?

    Nothing wrong with a small case of the blues now and again - helps us appreciate the rest of our lives. But if it drags out too long, get whatever help you need. I've been walking lately. Even dug my camera out of the depths of my closet. You are so right, eating right, a little bit of excersice, time for ourselves, sometimes we need to be reminded to take care of ourselves.

    As for airing of family stuff - my family doesn't. My husband's does. There are pros and cons both ways. The most important thing for me to remember is that I can't fix ANY of it. I can't make any of them happy. But I am a fixer and it is hard for me to let it all go.

  5. "excersice" - WHAT is that??? Shows how much I know, I can't even spell it!

  6. sounds like you're pretty self-aware to me.

    i can relate to how you feel....not taking interest in anything you usually do.

    sounds like you have a good plan.

    lean on us when and if you need to!