So, just to prove what a MAJOR slacker I am, I just took down the Christmas tree last night. yea. It was pretty crispy, but still smelled amazing. The kid says to me, "More Christmas tree?" I think that is one of the reasons I kept it up longer, was his enjoyment of the lights at night. (that and my extreme laziness) It is down, and out by the curb waiting pickup. YES!
Now that I am home and working on getting past the holiday crap, I acknowledge that I must be suffering from some low grade depression. The reason is I feel as though I am just going through the motions of my life. No real interest in looking my best, or finding happiness in anything (not like me at all). This past weekend, I spent sleeping mostly. I must have needed it, because I feel like I haven't slept in about six weeks. But I don't want my son to suffer because of it... time to access and turn this around.
This morning, in a flash during a conversation with my sis, I realized that while I am at my parents house, I tend to pent up my frustrations. I don't express true emotions. The drama in that circle is already too much for me, then to add my own on top would be like adding one drop of snow and creating an avalanche. Some may say, let that snow fall! Get it all out! In hindsight, yea, maybe that would have erased some of the stress I felt being there. But my feelings are that this final trip was one that taught me an important lesson. Time for me to make decisions regarding my family that do not require bending to others wishes. I love my family. They are good people, individually. But when we all get together in a room, its tense, its historical, and its not completely resolved, because we each have a little something that is hiding from the past. Even though we have worked hard to get on with our lives, in that dynamic, it surfaces. In addition, this time of year I am more aware of the missing element from our little family. We are not in a bad way being just a duo. It's just we could both use a new friend. Diffuse some of the mommy & son tension that arises.
Whew. Medication? Definitely. Therapy? maybe, But most likely I will start working out, painting, writing, and playing music... And trying to have some more free time to follow some of my own desires.
Yea its Wednesday! Almost the weekend, when I will get to enjoy some daylight hours. I miss that. Okay good peeps.... EVER ONWARD!