There are many ways of breaking a heart. Stories were full of hearts broken by love,
but what really broke a heart was taking away its dream - whatever that dream might be.
Pearl S. Buck

Saturday, June 30

The Beach

over here
The ocean is so affirming. A wonderful way to spend the weekend days is at the beach. Sitting listening to the waves, and digging your feet in the sand. Making sand castles, and watching the people.

wanna join us? we are off to the beach. :motor:

Friday, June 29

Getting Played

Do you ever wonder if everything you have seen or known is just some kind of cosmic joke you have played on yourself?

yea. a bad way to start a morning. I need to get outside. Hope you all have wonderful weekends. I will be around.


Thursday, June 28

Your Body

Now if any of you know me, you know that I am a music devour-eee! I love love love the stuff. It's a form of religion if you ask me, but that discussion is only to be debated in "face space". I refuse to expound upon this theory without having music to work with or back me up. Ask any DJ friend about music and its possibilities as a religion. Go ahead. ASK!

So songs make up a big part of life. And different songs are signposts for different phases. We all know that. This morning I woke up with a song in my mind, Your Body is a Wonderland. Now, I am not a John Mayer fan as a rule, but this morning? This song... was... in... my ... HEAD!!!! And yea I got sleep so I can't blame that. There was a mocking bird singing all night though. That was much more soothing that the upstairs neighbor.

Hey smile? I got ya covered (in a deep sea of blankets). :giggles:

One thing I've left to do
Discover me
Discovering you
One mile to every inch of
Your skin like porcelain
One pair of candy lips and
Your bubblegum tongue

'Cause if you want love
We'll make it
Swimming a deep sea
Of blankets
Take all your big plans
And break 'em
This is bound to be a while

Your body Is a wonderland
Your body is a wonder (I'll use my hands)
Your body Is a wonderland

Something 'bout the way the hair falls in your face
I love the shape you take when crawling towards the pillowcase
You tell me where to go and
Though I might leave to find it
I'll never let your head hit the bed
Without my hand behind it

Wednesday, June 27

Damn Neighbor...s

So, lets all take a minute to breath and smile. Someone pass me the sleeping pills. The guy who lives upstairs from me has obviously become involved with a gymnast. They wrestled and threw each other around last night for 3 f*ing hours. Now normally I am not the type to begrudge someone getting their "freak on". But when it keeps me awake until 2 am, and wakes up my 4 year old son TWICE because they were body slamming on the floor? Sorry dude, but you are going to have to move the action to some other location. Momma gets muy grumpy when she isn't getting any action, nor any sleep.

If they do this again tonight? I am going to leave the kid on his doorstep with a note pinned on his shirt.

Dear Upstairs Penis Romper Room Participants,
You are responsible for one day of babysitting due to the fact that you were rockin the floor so hard last night, after the 2 hour wrestling, slamming each other to the ground foreplay, I couldn't get any sleep. And my son woke up twice saying mommy? are we safe? Cuz he thought you were going to come crashing down on us.

I have given him an oil can so you can work on that creaky bed too. You got yourselves into this. Maybe this will be a good contraceptive for you. And you will think twice before practicing for a Vegas sex show in your apartment.

not bored, not angry, just tired, single mother in the apartment below.

Doubt this will win me any points, or even get to him, but man, I am so tired, i am having an out of body experience.


Tuesday, June 26

A Princess

At some point in my life, I would like to feel like a princess. When I was a little girl, I loved fairy tales. Grimm's was a book I read over and over again. I used to create stories in my mind about daring deeds, and far away places. Fancied the thoughts of being rescued from my life to be whisked off to a special place for us. (whomever the other is)

I don't believe there have been many days in my life where I felt like a princess. Someone that was adored for just being myself. (no offense, smile) Oh well. It's not stopping me from living, and I don't feel left out of anything. I just wonder what it would be like. For just a day. To feel like someone else would cherish me the way I deserve to be. Maybe I should start with myself, and the rest will fall in to place.

At least it would be a start. Sort of melancholy today after such a fun weekend. *back to reality*

Sunday, June 24

The parade

This was my favorite picture I took over the weekend. Its going to take a little bit of time to get them all up, but a good amount of them are posted.

Enjoy them. The day was electric! everyone was super charged and feeling a bit on the raging side. Nothing out of control, just a really sensual day. The kids had fun, the parents had fun, it was good to be alive.

Next year I invite you all to come, sit and watch. Then go to the park for some beers and tri tip sandwiches.

Hey Smile, you gonna come?

Saturday, June 23

Solstice Parade

The annual event for Santa Barbra. I am looking forward to getting out of my apartment and spending the day in the sunshine, around people that are in good moods.

Look for many pictures from me the next couple of days. I suspect my camera is going to get a workout at this event!!!! People, floats, kids, drinks, the park, and a camping event after.

Hope all your weekends are sunny, peaceful, and safe. Party on Garth!

Thursday, June 21

I need...

a couple of months at a spa,
a Cali tag for my car
a ticket to spain,
a time to stand in the rain
a smile through a happy tear
a wish from a worthless fear
a babysitter and a long drive
a taste of honey from the hive
a breath from passions sigh
a kiss placed on each eye
a love that sees all of me
a love that loves ALL he sees

and more snow patrol! who wants to go see them with me? SB Bowl. I need a date.

We'll do it all
On our own

We don't need
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Snow Patrol ~ Chasing Cars

Wednesday, June 20

Working Out & Losing Weight

I have become disgusted with my lack of perseverance. The only way to make myself really get on the stick is to set "realistic goals" day to day. And only plan for the next WW meeting. This week, my goal is to lose 3 lbs. I have also put into my task list, making sure to mark down everything I eat. I am going to write a mantra to myself, "a half ass approach provides half ass results."

I am determined to continue working out. I want to have a much flatter stomach come fall. I am not going to make this abs of steel thing happen for at least a year, if then. But i would love it if it didn't hang down from my waist. I can do that! And make my working out so much easier in the process. Its difficult throwing around the weight I do have now when I am at the gym.

This weeks goal: 3 lbs.
Strategy: 1) Write down all foods/beverages/snacks consumed. and KEEP TRACK. 2)Go to the gym every day (except sunday) for at least 30 mins. 3) find something to keep my hands busy late at night when I feel like snacking!(this one is going to take me a bit of time to accomplish, but its on the list.)

weight loss to date: 19.2
Goal: 60 more lbs
Deadline: when I lose it! (ultimately by March of 2008 - a birthday present to myself)
Biggest Obstacle: perseverance, and booze. booze will be the easy one to dismantle. ;-)

Tuesday, June 19

Roll in Ze Hay!

Oh my... Can a girl get spring fever in the summer? Cuz baby? I am itching for a roll in the hay.

roll, roll, roll in ze hay! ahem... yea. that!

edit: Do you think I lack a certain nuance to pull off romantic? geez. I have lacked it so long, that I wouldn't even recognize it even if it stunk like a dead fish in a box under my bed. :eyeroll: wooooo azz me.

Monday, June 18


I have been in a real slump lately. Spent quite a few months tying myself in knots over something and someone that I so wanted to make happy. But ended up I wasn't making him happy. And I was becoming a nag about things. So I decided to pull away for a while. And it breaks my heart. Yea and Father's Day? Don't get me started. I have such a difficult time with that. Single mom and all. He will never be in his son's life, more is the pity for that man.

But today? Smiling. Do you ever just wake up and you are smiling? It's such a rare occurrence for me. But when it does happen, the attitude is GRATEFUL!

So thank you smile. Monday's bite, but you do not. ;-)

Thursday, June 14

Sitting in a Hole

So today I was looking at a picture of a friend. He is sitting in a chair, and I am looking at the side of his face. I found myself thinking, Look at me!!! Just turn around and look at me. Then I realized, after that brief moment of sheer uncontrollable insanity passed, he wasn't going to turn around because its a picture for christsake! sighs.

Today, I feel like I have fallen into a hole. A hole that I have dug for myself. Maybe I created it as a resting spot. Or a place to put the things I don't want to think about. Or a place to put things I don't have TIME to think about. After this dream I had last night, I keep waiting for some kind of BOMB to drop on me around 4 today. Maybe I feel like I have to have all the answers before 4 this afternoon.

Damn voices in my head have crawled into the hole and started stirring things up. And I am not sure if I will surface today before I clean up a few things down in the cylindrical, self loathing, put off as long as you can, face reality bitch, dungeon, hole!!!!!

Sighs. I love to love, but today? It's an "All in Vain" kinda day. Why do I even bother... whimper. *goes to the gym to punch some stuff*

Wednesday, June 13

Angst.. NOT!

You know as you surf the blogosphere, you see a lot of angst. Lots. Like its "quaint" or original. Its kind of not. And to be honest? Its becoming a total bore to me. I am a lover. I love to love.

Now don't get me wrong... I am not a meshugina pollyanna about it. I know that there are boundaries (which i regularly jump over without abandon, much to the dismay of the less bold). I find that I have to prove that my love exists. Embrace it with every fiber of my being. Write about it. Paint about it. And not sexual love, the kind of love that warms your heart to know it exists. Kind. Passionate. Caring. Helping. Enlightening. Embracing. Forgiving. Opening. Flowing. Love.

Well, yea. Its not all happiness and light. Mostly its muddled and difficult. Full of twists and turns, bruises and burns. But when it all fits like the most beautiful mosaic glass window, with the light shining through for that brief moment in time, You capture its whole meaning. Its infinitive affect on what the world would look like if that was everyday. Overwhelming huh?

Worth every single drop of sweat you put into it. Stop beating the angst horse. We are all pissed off about war, abuse of power, wasted financial resources by our government, stupid people in front of us in lines, and selfish idiots that take shit that isn't theirs. Maybe I am just a star crossed lover, with no real sense of it all. Or maybe I make more than a little sense. But I definitely know that love is the way I want to go down. I hope that my ability to send that message will make a few people smile in my small blip of the universe.

Put the message in the Box
Put the box into the car
drive the car around the world...

World Party - Message in the Box.

Tuesday, June 12

I got my MOO's!!!!

Flickr is affiliated with a company that prints out cards from the images you post to your Flickr account. They call them MOO cards. And I ordered some a while ago and got them yesterday! OH YEA...

i have been bitten by the MOO bug! Mini cards of images I have taken. I love art. Don't you?

Friday, June 8


bucket o sand
Yes its time once more for the two days I look forward to the entire week. Tommorrow? I am taking the kid, and maybe a friend, to see a blues band that is playing at El Capitan Canyon. They have a summer concert series, and a coworkers band is playing. Hopefully we will get out of there early enough to go to "Game Night". And hang with the cool pholks.

Sunday? BEACH!!! If the weather holds out. I want a day at the beach. sit with my toes in the sand, watch and listen to the waves, watch the kid throw rocks into the ocean... and take pictures of nuns... :giggles:

I hope you all have wonderful weekends. I am feeling exceptionally good about this one. Have fun and take lots of pictures!

good good good good vibrations... good good good good vibrations.. I'm pickin up good vibrations...

Thursday, June 7

Canvas Surfing

I am shrieking inside... I feel so tenuous. I woke from a restless sleep this morning with a skeleton in my brain, and a shriek that kept me from going back to rest. Before I laid down yesterday from a well rested reprieve from loneliness and the pain, I pulled this card from my deck. With a question about a friend.

My question is clearly not answered yet as peaceful as this image looks to me. I see one side as healthy and whole. Open to all that is. The other side of him is a statue or on a cold surface. Stuck to a surface he can not escape. But what is he trying to capture? And is that blood on him? Or is that some warmth that he is seeking? A trance but warm and happy in his dream isn't he? Or maybe its all a dream.

so then I pulled this one...

Whew. That is a damn powerful card. Center of the universe huh? Or is it the center of my world? I have the support I need from the world to move. This is a support system. I hope that holds true for both he and I.

Its all so freakin Harry Potter to me this week (including accents), magical creatures, distant adventures, and all to real fantasy images soaring in my head. Up the dosage or lower it? Or maybe its just like the C/Universe says, time to paint and draw. I must release the demons of creativity that are screeching to be released. They are keeping me from sleeping. Someone has seen and gratified the inner hidden me. Helped me to release this powerfully creative soul I have been hiding, protecting, silencing. Who is she?

Her palate consists of Siren. Mermaid. Wanderer. Nomad. Lover. Mother. Water. Earth. Poet. Provider. Comrade. Stranger. Visionary. Vocalist. Giggly Girl. Friend. Sistor. Child. Woman. In all her complexity provided for your entertainment. It's been a wondrous ride of this wave ridden ocean called me. Got a surf board? Cuz its a good series of swells this week, dude. (and more cali speak) Late.

Wednesday, June 6

Feeling Refreshed

I had a great dream last night, in which I saw a mermaid. Thinking that is a wonderful sign. I am feeling refreshed and like I am capable of swimming forward now. And Neptune gave his blessing. Reluctantly.

Now. onward to creativity. be back soon. :wink:

Friday, June 1


refreshing eh? i have nothing to say. i am at a crossroads, and need some time to think. my patience is thin. I need to give it some room to breathe, or else my child suffers too.