There are many ways of breaking a heart. Stories were full of hearts broken by love,
but what really broke a heart was taking away its dream - whatever that dream might be.
Pearl S. Buck

Friday, August 31


I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
But she's just like a maze
Where all of the walls all continually change
And I've done all I can
To stand on the steps with my heart in my hands
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it's got nothing to do with me

Fathers be good to your daughters,
Daughters will love like you do,
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters too

Oh, you see that skin?
It's the same shes been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now shes left
Cleaning up the mess he made

So Fathers be good to your daughters,
Daughters will love like you do,
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters too

Boys you can break
You'll find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong and
Boys soldier on
But boys would be gone
without warmth from
A woman's good, good heart

On behalf of every man
Looking out for every girl
You are the god and the weight of her world
So Fathers be good to your daughters,
Daughters will love like you do,
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters too

John Mayer ~ Daughters

I remember the first time I heard this song on the radio. I don't really remember where I was, but I remember thinking, wow. I had a father that was not home much at all, and so I barely got to know him as a man while growing up. I learned a little after completing my interview with him last weekend. Why do most men find it so difficult to be forthcoming about themselves? Is it something that shows weakness being human? Is it just something they have no reason to regurgitate? I understand there are differences between the sexes. I guess I grew up thinking that we were more alike than we are because I didn't have a complete exposure. who knows. And I am silly to assume that men can understand women either! :giggles:

That being said, I am sorry to 3 men that I have hurt (regarding my personal intimate relationships) for my inability to see you for what you were, and respect that. And not beat you up because you are who you are. I have no excuses only a realization that I could probably have done things differently, for myself, and for the sustaining of our "time" together in a more peaceable fashion. Water under the bridge. I still love each of you, but its done. You have moved on with life, as have I.

Now, I am in the process of molding a little man. YIKES! i am roflol, like that is going to happen. Its more like, show him what is acceptable and what isn't, punish accordingly, and give him tons and tons of love. right? RIGHT? geez.

men are different. i love them with all my being, but, very very different.

Thursday, August 30

The Stupid Grin

You know when you get that stupid grin on your face for no reason? The one that says you are just so happy and you can't stop smiling? One of those plopped on my face last night. And now, I can't seem to remove it. Because, why would I?

I love the days when you have that dopey high school kid sorta smile on your face. All is well. One of my worries was relieved last night.

Its a good thing I have a great smile. Its going to be making an appearance all day today.

Wednesday, August 29

High Drama

Its sad to know (have to deal with the fact) that you come from an upbringing of High Drama. I have worked on removing my reactions regarding this environmental education, but seriously, its not that easy. In some ways that is a bonus to my artistic side. I see things in huge color and drama. But when it comes to dealing with men ie: any relationship, its not so good.

But I am getting better. Until then, I will be the last one chosen to play on someone's team, because I can't remain unaffected. I just can't. But I can stop making a wave pool out of reflective peaceful water. That I must try to accomplish. PRONTO!

Tuesday, August 28

A mother passes

I am happy to know I am the kind of person people feel like they can lean on when they need some strength. A good friend of mine called me this morning weeping. Deep long screeches, and moans. I knew what was happening before she told me. Then she said, "momma is gone". I cried. I knew her mother. Once a beautiful, sexy woman, intelligent, sassy, and wise. I also knew after being around her for a brief period, it was only a matter of time. Her diet was so so, she smoked like a chimney, and drank a lot of caffeine.

I sat with my friend, on the phone as long as I could, until she had to go. All I could think of was I wanted to be there just to hold her hand for a couple of days. And make sure that she was eating, and sleeping. And getting dressed, and getting out of bed, and take her mind off things for a minute or two. Take her for a long walk on the beach and ask her questions about her mom. Help her remember, help her forget. I am sad that I don't have the ability to go and be with her.

I feel like I do have a few good friends, she is one of them. Most of the time I feel painfully alone. My friend Wilene would tell me that I am picking the people in my life for a reason. That I am feeling alone, because I pick people that can't commit to being my friend. She maybe partially correct in saying that.

There are a few friends that can't be there for me. Some that are only there when they need something. Others that would be there for me whenever I needed them, night or day. But the one person who wants to wash away my tears at the end of the day is missing. I don't know that I have ever found that in any of my relationships. But in the end we all go out alone.

I hope my friend C. finds someone to help her heal her pain in these coming weeks. Despite this woman's demeanor or character flaws, she has lost her mother. And she deserves the shoulder and a strong friend to remind her what she has gained from her mother, despite her passing.

RIP Bernadette. I hope you have found peace.

Monday, August 27


A day spent at the Natural History Museum was a relaxing day. I took a lot of pictures. This one was my favorite.

I am worried about a friend. I hope all is well.

Sunday, August 26

So Long, not Goodbye

Last night as I watched a man play guitar I realized something. No matter what I say to myself I still love that silly man I almost married. He was a ying to my yang. I will never be with him again, but I do love him. For all he was and was not.

Someone came into my life recently and showed me what love could be like. I have to let go of the "idea" of what love could be. There is no lilypad in the love pond for me right now. I must be the caterpillar, and the butterfly.

Dear Donald, I hope you are doing well friend. I will always think of you. We were one, and now we aren't. cest la vie. Life is a river that flows on and onward to the next tide pool.

Now for some lyrics. I love this song.

When you love someone - you'll do anything
you'll do all the crazy things that you can't explain
you'll shoot the moon - put out the sun
when you love someone

you'll deny the truth - believe a lie
there'll be times that you'll believe you can really fly
but your lonely nights - have just begun
when you love someone

when you love someone - you'll feel it deep inside
and nothin else can ever change your mind
when you want someone - when you need someone
when you need someone...

when you love someone - you'll sacrifice
you'd give it everything you got and you won't think twice
you'd risk it all - no matter what may come
when you love someone
you'll shoot the moon - put out the sun
when you love someone

Thanks for the lyrics, Bryan A.

Saturday, August 25

Its Saturday

My toes are painted red.
My sunscreen is packed in my bag.
Today I am going to tan
then tonight going to see this band.

I hope that all of you have spectacular Saturdays.

no smile, yet. that just bites. sighs.

Friday, August 24

What makes a smile...

Why do I retain such an idealistic vision of the world? I put up a picture I just painted as a reminder that there is so much more to me than what I don't have.

Today I am sad. I am trying to let go of something. Something I want so very very much, but have to set it aside until things change. And I am working on building something back up. A trust that has been lacking for so long, I am not even sure I can get it back. One day at a time. I am breathing, being in the now and making choices for my higher good.

And smile? I don't know what else to say. I miss you. did i mention that i miss you? sighs...

May all your weekends be bright and colorful. Mine sure is going to be. I plan on keeping busy!!! Have to find a smile again! ;-)

Thursday, August 23

Suggested Investigation

My lady of the couch suggested to me that I do an interview with my father about his life. She says, you will come up with some wonderful information about him, and it may help you solve some of your relationship issues.

I took this suggestion, created an outline, and am going to do a video interview. Then convert it to DVD to save for posterity. Basically its going to be a great documentary for my son to know his paw paw (that is what he calls grandad).

Wish me luck. I am going to take a box of kleenex. I love my dad.


So my good friend is taking his second vacation to Hawaii this year. I am so happy that he is getting a break from his work. He way overdoes it.

Be safe friend. And take LOTs of pictures. send email. :hug: :hug: :kiss:

Wednesday, August 22

I am sick of me

Could I be more freaking self absorbed? I doubt it. I need to do some volunteer work or something. Get me out of my HEAD!

Who can I be besides me today? Suggestions? I feel like playing a character.

Tuesday, August 21


I have pondered and pondered the issue of respect. I am closing the door on a decade of a downward spiraling in regards to self respect. You may have noticed I am working on retrieving some of that lost power. I have reawakened to the fact I am occasionally disrespectful to my friends. This is not the stuff warriors are made of and thankfully my true friends can tolerate my shortcomings.

I have yet to get a full grasp of the respect level with my son. I am very weary thinking about ALL the things that have to be done on a daily basis. And he knows what to do to upset me. Man talk about dynamics of a relationship full out. Become a parent. Social studies 101. All you never thought you needed to know, but are in the fire with the pot in your hand getting an education. This situation will change daily, and learning that I am the sovereign power, and not to be afraid of that, is a HUGE challenge for me. HUGE.

Anyway, so it leads me to thinking about how others are speaking and relating to me. What are my expectations? What do I want from my friendships? Am I portraying myself as I wish to be seen? Or do I even want to be seen? Most days I feel like swimming around people and just observing. Playing the part of a coy mermaid. Harnessing the power of making someone smile, then moving on down the stream. Leaving it behind.

I met someone last year that brought with him a lot of praise, confidence and equality. Feels nice be simpatico with someone again. He opened my eyes to something I thought did not exist. And I felt joyous each time we spoke. We are losing this connection somehow. I see transition as extremely normal but totally irritating at times.

I met someone else recently that makes no forthright statements or conversations unless probed with a stick. How does that make me feel? Like I am an ambiguous burden in his life. I don't have to make conversation, I choose to. He doesn't so much. Opportunity lost really pisses me off. But you can't make people play along. They have to go at their own pace. I am learning to respect his boundaries.

From watching myself interact and hearing a few things these two people have said to me and about me, I made a short list...

• I am way too anxious to set things up the way I THINK they should be. I need to take more stock of what IS.

• I can no longer waste my time trying to engage people in conversation that have little to no interest in me as a human. Their loss.

• I make condescending remarks. Others don't find them so funny. I am going to watch my language more closely. Maybe a point to remember here is the same things I relate to others, most likely could be related to me.

• My life is a bit boring. Possibly, people don't like talking to me because my life is not really filled with a grand amount of adventure or forward movement. This is my time for reflection and I have to remember not to beat myself up while I am healing.

• I am not as stupid as I come across. Do NOT underestimate me because of my lack of vocabulary. Artists tend to use pictures instead of words. Try to remember and assimilate. As we artists have to assimilate to you word junkies.

Now, back to the day at hand. I am a mother. And in order to get some respect in my house, I must have it for myself. Work work work. DAMMIT! my brain is starting to cry vacation. FAT CHANCE!!!!

Ok soul card number was 94. I am going to stick with that for a couple of weeks. It looks like something is growing. Something I need to grow from inside me. Respect.

Monday, August 20


I am in a funk. The once a month funk. I normally am quite fine with this situation as in no massive mood swings, or off the charts outbursts. Today, I am feeling a bit burdened, nothing serious. Stupid woman stuff. I wish we had paid mental health days. I could use a day to myself, with a box of acrylics and a HUGE HUGE canvas to spill out the emotions in my head. Splatter the conditions of my feelings across a cloth, and see what the reactions are. Its so freeing, meditative, and cathartic. The more I do it the better I feel. But like anything else, you have to get started. Staring at a blank canvas can be daunting. Someday, I am going to have a studio. Its a prayer I have had for a while.

A wise friend said to me today, "I think you believe the world should be on your timetable and that people should have your priorities." Upstart. (giggles) Of course I do. After all, this is my universe isn't it?

I have to remember the phrase, one step at a time, with an addendum of, don't push. I know that everything happens in it's time and for a reason. I forget that sometimes in the moment to moment space. Getting better... its getting better.

Thanks friend, thanks talent and thanks universe. Without these elements life would suck.

edit: does anyone have some dark dark chocolate? anyone? its a solution. i swear by it. just ask my sister.

Friday, August 17

happy birthday

HBDTY baby boy! four years old... wow. Time really is going by so quickly. This picture is from the trip we made to the water-park yesterday. He must have seen some of the teenage boys doing this! It made me laugh.

Fun times were had, for sure. A more detailed post after the next day or so. :cheers:

Wednesday, August 15

Red Ranger

On a happier note, I am off to find some Power Rangers toys. The boys B-day is tomorrow, and I know that he loves the Power Rangers. They have Power Rangers SPD, mystic force, next generation, etc. He talks about the red one, and that is all I know about that. :cool:

happy hump day fellow bloggers.

Tuesday, August 14

an edit:

just so you all know. I have not contacted his father to seek any financial help, nor any of his family since the baby was a little over a year. And they haven't contacted me. its going to be interesting.

Monday, August 13

The Question I Dread...

So... the father of my little angel is not in the picture. He had an opportunity, and he dismissed it. As he has dismissed me. I hope that he is doing well somewhere. I have no serious resentment towards him (believe me I worked long and hard to be able to be truthful in saying that statement). He doesn't deserve the love of the mini me.

With that being said, my son is really starting to become a little person that can communicate, and understand. There is more discipline required now as he establishes his independence. I am actually very poor in at disciplinary action. I was hoping I could be stern and rigid without reaction. Most times I can, but sometimes, working alone, its an impossibility. And I can not beat myself up for my shortcomings. This path is one I have chosen, and I will remain strong to the cause.

Okay, now for the gristle. I was having to punish the little man, and he said to me, I am going to call my daddy. He is my friend. And he will be nice to me. Major league sigh. If he only knew. I had to totally regroup, because at this point in our relationship, he has not mentioned daddy.

I said, "Where is your daddy?

He said, "I don't know. Do you know where daddy is?"

I said, "I don't know where he is." That is the truth. Then I quickly changed the subject to discussing why Daddy was his friend and I wasn't. What Daddy would do that I couldn't do.

This is so difficult. But dammit! I am doing a good job, and I know this has to be hard on the little man to have that void. Soon he will be in school, and people will be asking him the same question he asked me. Where is your daddy? I have tried not to dwell too much on my reaction or answer to this question. The truth is best, but how do you tell a child that a man who will not take responsibility for his child, is someone that is loving, and good, but can't be here right now. That is just a lie. He refuses to be here. And I am fine with that.

I guess this is rough for a Monday huh? I am going to take each moment as it comes and deliver the goods upon request. With a smile, and some positive twist so he doesn't have a lifetime of self doubt. So that he knows he deserves to be loved by those that will and do love him.

I don't know why I had to be the damn character actress in this lifetime, but there it is. *Awaits Lifetime TV to call regarding the screenplay about her life*

working title: One Step Leads the Way

Friday, August 10

Mid Level Zombie

Sighs... I have been sleeping. And for those of you who have insomnia, you can appreciate that statement. Unfortunately, I have to take two different medications to get to that point. Seems that I have a mid-stage level of depression, and it is affecting a portion of my life. I can no longer "live" with the symptoms of depression, and must medicate. I have a son that needs my love and attention, not a zombie mom.

I went to see Dr. K. after having the counseling sessions for a month or so, to get on a daytime anti-D, lexapro. I hate anti-D's. I am nauseous, fatigued, my saliva glands are acting super crazy, and I get a bit of a jittery feeling. But, blessed be, I am SLEEPING!!! sighs. It has been 4 years since I have slept more than 5 hours in a row.. Most of the time I only have four hours of sleep. Last two nights? 6-7 before I woke up. Then went right back to sleep. SWEEEET relief.

I hate, hate, hate, and did I mention HATE medication. But today? I feel clear headed. No more zombie screams in my head. No more anxious moments in the middle of the night. My emotions have shifted to a more mid range level, but there is so much more to getting that back on track. I hope that this helps me get more into a daily routine of finding my way back to the creative me I deserve and need to be.

I am learning to not take this day to day life so seriously. Living in the moment is so VERY difficult for me. Perseverance is even more difficult, but life demands that I put on that body armor for now. Creating art, working out, and raising a child are my three agendas. And the anti-D's are helping me get this mind in a normal spot so I can focus on that sweet kid of mine. And the most important aspect, my mental health. Without that, this cruise is more like Gilligan's Island 3 hour tour, than a luxury schooner cruising these waters of life.

Wish me luck!

Looks for the life boat, just in case the ship really does sink.. :wink:

Wednesday, August 8


Ok Songbird, I got your tag. And I have done the entry. I am supposed to tag 5 people, but I don't know how many of them will actually try this. If you care to, do it, and let me know.

1. Link about family: you know this blog is all about me. But here is a list of things I am thankful for, and my family is on there.

2. Link about friends: This is an entry about the on a website that I love ( look for it here. I think that I should write a new entry about the friends I am making here.

3. Link about me: oh there are soooo many. but this one will give you the real down dirty of the most recent misadventures of an ADD mom.

4. Link about something I love: I love to dream. Happens quite a bit for me. So, if you don't read my dream blog, then read about this dream or this dream and one more.

5. Link about anything I want: ooo this one was an old entry when I was living in Texas and it always makes me laugh. because I can.

Stooopit Brain

You wake up in the middle of the night and off it goes... blabitty blabitty blab... This is this way, that is that way. shheeez. I sure need to figure out a way to stay in the moment. And get some sleep.

On to the next one. its Wednesday already? sighs.

Tuesday, August 7

What I saw...

Last night while sitting outside with a friend, talking and having a beer, I saw a white moth, a white owl, and my first shooting star since coming to California. So, is it just that I finally had a chance to sit and notice things? Or is it something else? All I can say is that I totally appreciated natures display of signs last night.

Owl: The two main symbolic characteristics of the Owl, its wisdom and its nocturnal activity-- have made it represent perception. Considering perception in a spiritual context, Owl medicine is related to psychism, occult matters, instincts, and clairvoyance-- the true ability to see what is happening around you.

Moth: (this is all I could find) In a translation of an ancient Greek myth, when Pandora had opened her box and all the woes of the world such as war, famine and plague had escaped there remained in the box a small white moth. This moth was named ‘Hope.’

Shooting Stars: well, that one you are on your own to interpret. I just believe it was an exclamation point.

Anyway, maybe I just notice birds more than anything else. Maybe I have always seen myself as a bird, landing in a spot, building a nest for a season, then moving on. Or maybe all this was manifested because I was feeling so comfortable. Finally.

Monday, August 6

Not up to It.

I am just not up to writing an entry this morning. why?

• Did a marathon cleaning of the apartment, and only half done, worn out.
• Having a flare up of an old ailment, damn stress.
• Work is so slow, I don't have any brain stimulation to think properly.

I am going to guide you to another post from my not so secret "say what you wanna say outloud" blog.

I am afraid if I say much more I am going to piss somebody off. (and no smile, that entry has nothing to do with you).

happy mondays all! muchas besos...

Sunday, August 5

Fiesta Flowercart

Originally uploaded by memsahib 313
Saturday was the Children's Parade, meaning there are hundreds of kids marching down state street handing out flowers, dancing, riding horses, bikes, dressed in spanish costumes, and all saying "Viva la Fiesta".

This cart was done by the flower growers in Carpenteria. It was a nice day. I walked probably 4 miles or more. Had to work off the Kawanis club pancake breakfast!

hope all your weekends were fabulous. xo. mem

Friday, August 3

Private Universe

No time no place to talk about the weather
The promise of love is hard to ignore
Who said the chance wasn't getting any better
Labor of love is ours to endure

Highest branch on the apple tree
It was my favorite place to be
I could hear them breaking free
But they could not see me

I will run for shelter
Endless summer lift the curse
Feels like nothing matters
In our private universe

I have all I want is that simple enough
There's a whole lot more I'm thinking of

Every night about six o'clock
Birds come back to the palm to talk
They talk to me, birds talk to me
If I go down on my knees

I will run for shelter
Endless summer lift the curse
It feels like nothing matters
In our private universe

Feels like nothing matters
In our private universe

And it's a pleasure that I have known
And it's a treasure that I have gained
And it's a pleasure that I have known

It's a tight squeeze but I won't let go
Time is on the table and the dinner's cold

I will run for shelter
Endless summer lift the curse
Feels like nothing matters
In our private universe

Crowded House - Private Universe

Today I would love some time there. A private universe with a person I have come to be fond of. I know life is a day to day, moment to moment existence. But why not more? Why not? MORE...

Feeling like little Oliver at the workhouse, Please sir, can I have some more? All I can think about is the meal I am not getting. damn hormones. sighs.

WEEKEND! Guess I need to go scouting and be outta the house. Be safe, have fun, call your mum and make at least one person smile.

Peace - OUT.

Thursday, August 2

La Pequena Ceremony - Fiesta 2007

Last night I went to the opening of Old Spanish Nights, or Fiesta as its called most commonly, at the steps of the Santa Barbara Mission. I was lucky enough to win a pair of tickets to sit and watch the show up close. I took my camera, and my tripod (which was a mistake).

The "Queen of the Missions" is a magical spot. On clear days, when you go up that hill, and sit on the stairs looking over the ocean, you can blur your eyes, and imagine landscape... nothing but trees that stretch to the ocean. I sit and think how amazing it must have been to be the first people there, building this structure. There is so much history, and I won't bore you with the details, but you can feel the spirits there. And they are exceptionally rich in that area. Many many lives passed that way. I wish my receptors were more fine tuned. I would love to pick up some of spirit action around there.

Most of the time I feel very relaxed and calm at the mission, but last night, I was a bit taken back by the events. By the middle of the performances, I had to get up and leave. I felt a lot of angst for such a celebration of life. And I like being around people. Maybe because I attended the event alone, I felt something "missing", not having someone to share the experience with. Because it was quite amazing.

Thankfully, I treated myself to that Nikon so many months ago, kept me focused on the events, and not myself. These are my favorite shots of the evening.

Viva la FIESTA!

Skipping a Session

I skipped a session yesterday with Kathryn the Great. I wont be doing that again. Thankfully I have a corner office, with a door, and my coworker is gone for a month. I can whimper in private today. I have got to develop some sense of community here. And I really should try to get more sleep.

moving on. :sighs:

Wednesday, August 1

Summer DayZ

After yesterday's little melt down, I feel revived. Thanks smile. :smooches:

So many things are shakin' up in my tiny life. I hope this roll continues through out the rest of the year. So hump day. I have to pay rent, look into getting a birthday present (sorry mom its going to be late... AGAIN! sighs).

Kids birthday is on the 16th. Don't have any big plans, so need to get on that. Maybe a day at the beach? On his actual birthday a friend has offered to take him to a water park. Now that is going to be a fun day! Thankfully my boss has complied to letting me off that day. Pouring myself into a suit, and going for a swim.

The end of the month offers up a chance to see Mr. Neil Finn... :hearteyes: Going to see Crowded House with a gal pal, that is moving back home soon. Will be a great send off for us. The ending of our summer of "love". We will be weeping for sure!

All that said, I sure am interested in lighting a fire with someone and it seems the universe has complied. Call me when you get home. ;-)