I have pondered and pondered the issue of respect. I am closing the door on a decade of a downward spiraling in regards to self respect. You may have noticed I am working on retrieving some of that lost power. I have reawakened to the fact I am occasionally disrespectful to my friends. This is not the stuff warriors are made of and thankfully my true friends can tolerate my shortcomings.
I have yet to get a full grasp of the respect level with my son. I am very weary thinking about ALL the things that have to be done on a daily basis. And he knows what to do to upset me. Man talk about dynamics of a relationship full out. Become a parent. Social studies 101. All you never thought you needed to know, but are in the fire with the pot in your hand getting an education. This situation will change daily, and learning that I am the sovereign power, and not to be afraid of that, is a HUGE challenge for me. HUGE.
Anyway, so it leads me to thinking about how others are speaking and relating to me. What are my expectations? What do I want from my friendships? Am I portraying myself as I wish to be seen? Or do I even want to be seen? Most days I feel like swimming around people and just observing. Playing the part of a coy mermaid. Harnessing the power of making someone smile, then moving on down the stream. Leaving it behind.
I met someone last year that brought with him a lot of praise, confidence and equality. Feels nice be simpatico with someone again. He opened my eyes to something I thought did not exist. And I felt joyous each time we spoke. We are losing this connection somehow. I see transition as extremely normal but totally irritating at times.
I met someone else recently that makes no forthright statements or conversations unless probed with a stick. How does that make me feel? Like I am an ambiguous burden in his life. I don't have to make conversation, I choose to. He doesn't so much. Opportunity lost really pisses me off. But you can't make people play along. They have to go at their own pace. I am learning to respect his boundaries.
From watching myself interact and hearing a few things these two people have said to me and about me, I made a short list...
• I am way too anxious to set things up the way I THINK they should be. I need to take more stock of what IS.
• I can no longer waste my time trying to engage people in conversation that have little to no interest in me as a human. Their loss.
• I make condescending remarks. Others don't find them so funny. I am going to watch my language more closely. Maybe a point to remember here is the same things I relate to others, most likely could be related to me.
• My life is a bit boring. Possibly, people don't like talking to me because my life is not really filled with a grand amount of adventure or forward movement. This is my time for reflection and I have to remember not to beat myself up while I am healing.
• I am not as stupid as I come across. Do NOT underestimate me because of my lack of vocabulary. Artists tend to use pictures instead of words. Try to remember and assimilate. As we artists have to assimilate to you word junkies.
Now, back to the day at hand. I am a mother. And in order to get some respect in my house, I must have it for myself. Work work work. DAMMIT! my brain is starting to cry vacation. FAT CHANCE!!!!
Ok soul card number was 94. I am going to stick with that for a couple of weeks. It looks like something is growing. Something I need to grow from inside me. Respect.