There are many ways of breaking a heart. Stories were full of hearts broken by love,
but what really broke a heart was taking away its dream - whatever that dream might be.
Pearl S. Buck

Tuesday, August 21


I have pondered and pondered the issue of respect. I am closing the door on a decade of a downward spiraling in regards to self respect. You may have noticed I am working on retrieving some of that lost power. I have reawakened to the fact I am occasionally disrespectful to my friends. This is not the stuff warriors are made of and thankfully my true friends can tolerate my shortcomings.

I have yet to get a full grasp of the respect level with my son. I am very weary thinking about ALL the things that have to be done on a daily basis. And he knows what to do to upset me. Man talk about dynamics of a relationship full out. Become a parent. Social studies 101. All you never thought you needed to know, but are in the fire with the pot in your hand getting an education. This situation will change daily, and learning that I am the sovereign power, and not to be afraid of that, is a HUGE challenge for me. HUGE.

Anyway, so it leads me to thinking about how others are speaking and relating to me. What are my expectations? What do I want from my friendships? Am I portraying myself as I wish to be seen? Or do I even want to be seen? Most days I feel like swimming around people and just observing. Playing the part of a coy mermaid. Harnessing the power of making someone smile, then moving on down the stream. Leaving it behind.

I met someone last year that brought with him a lot of praise, confidence and equality. Feels nice be simpatico with someone again. He opened my eyes to something I thought did not exist. And I felt joyous each time we spoke. We are losing this connection somehow. I see transition as extremely normal but totally irritating at times.

I met someone else recently that makes no forthright statements or conversations unless probed with a stick. How does that make me feel? Like I am an ambiguous burden in his life. I don't have to make conversation, I choose to. He doesn't so much. Opportunity lost really pisses me off. But you can't make people play along. They have to go at their own pace. I am learning to respect his boundaries.

From watching myself interact and hearing a few things these two people have said to me and about me, I made a short list...

• I am way too anxious to set things up the way I THINK they should be. I need to take more stock of what IS.

• I can no longer waste my time trying to engage people in conversation that have little to no interest in me as a human. Their loss.

• I make condescending remarks. Others don't find them so funny. I am going to watch my language more closely. Maybe a point to remember here is the same things I relate to others, most likely could be related to me.

• My life is a bit boring. Possibly, people don't like talking to me because my life is not really filled with a grand amount of adventure or forward movement. This is my time for reflection and I have to remember not to beat myself up while I am healing.

• I am not as stupid as I come across. Do NOT underestimate me because of my lack of vocabulary. Artists tend to use pictures instead of words. Try to remember and assimilate. As we artists have to assimilate to you word junkies.

Now, back to the day at hand. I am a mother. And in order to get some respect in my house, I must have it for myself. Work work work. DAMMIT! my brain is starting to cry vacation. FAT CHANCE!!!!

Ok soul card number was 94. I am going to stick with that for a couple of weeks. It looks like something is growing. Something I need to grow from inside me. Respect.


  1. Excellent post and some excellent questions. I find myself questioning a lot how people view me. My ex-therapist told me I was totally clueless to how people see me. She also suggested that I was manipulative and an attention whore. I don`t think I am and my closest friends I`ve talked to about it don`t think so either so I have to wonder what I did to come across that way to her. Lots of self-examination and searching for self-respect lately. It`s such a tough road.

  2. karma: I seriously doubt you are an attention whore. I believe we all have a small amount of desire to be adored, but... a whore? please.

    Fire your therapist. Look for someone that is a bit more sensitive to you as an individual, not as a sheep. This person is working for you! Make sure you are getting what you pay for. :wink:

  3. Oh don't worry! I got rid of her about a month ago! :) Not going to anyone new yet though.

  4. by Nelson Mandela

    Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate, but that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, handsome, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.

    Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to manifest the glory of God within us. It is not just in some; it is in everyone. And, as we let our own light shine, we consciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

    - Lovely quote, isn't it Melanie, dear?

    - -
    Father Luke

  5. sometimes it is just hard to BE. and i just mean hard to exist. hard to be yourself. nothing seems right. no way to fix things to your liking.

    i've found that most times i have to take things less personally, worry about myself and not everybody else, and pay attention.

    gosh, even that is hard.