There are many ways of breaking a heart. Stories were full of hearts broken by love,
but what really broke a heart was taking away its dream - whatever that dream might be.
Pearl S. Buck

Friday, August 10

Mid Level Zombie

Sighs... I have been sleeping. And for those of you who have insomnia, you can appreciate that statement. Unfortunately, I have to take two different medications to get to that point. Seems that I have a mid-stage level of depression, and it is affecting a portion of my life. I can no longer "live" with the symptoms of depression, and must medicate. I have a son that needs my love and attention, not a zombie mom.

I went to see Dr. K. after having the counseling sessions for a month or so, to get on a daytime anti-D, lexapro. I hate anti-D's. I am nauseous, fatigued, my saliva glands are acting super crazy, and I get a bit of a jittery feeling. But, blessed be, I am SLEEPING!!! sighs. It has been 4 years since I have slept more than 5 hours in a row.. Most of the time I only have four hours of sleep. Last two nights? 6-7 before I woke up. Then went right back to sleep. SWEEEET relief.

I hate, hate, hate, and did I mention HATE medication. But today? I feel clear headed. No more zombie screams in my head. No more anxious moments in the middle of the night. My emotions have shifted to a more mid range level, but there is so much more to getting that back on track. I hope that this helps me get more into a daily routine of finding my way back to the creative me I deserve and need to be.

I am learning to not take this day to day life so seriously. Living in the moment is so VERY difficult for me. Perseverance is even more difficult, but life demands that I put on that body armor for now. Creating art, working out, and raising a child are my three agendas. And the anti-D's are helping me get this mind in a normal spot so I can focus on that sweet kid of mine. And the most important aspect, my mental health. Without that, this cruise is more like Gilligan's Island 3 hour tour, than a luxury schooner cruising these waters of life.

Wish me luck!

Looks for the life boat, just in case the ship really does sink.. :wink:


  1. Reframe this: instead of hating meds, be grateful there's something out there, available to you, that helps.

    I am. Truly. Not that I'm sleeping, but I'm not all effed about it.

  2. BHD... You are such the touchstone. Thanks lady! hard to not be negative when I am freshly working this drug into my life and feeling the side effects. I really am grateful.

  3. I hate having to take meds too, but the alternative is much, much worse! I believe if it actually helps you get through this life on a more even keel, there is nothing to be ashamed of or worried about. Lexapro was a lifesaver for me. Just think of it as a diabetic who is insulin-dependent. It's not recreational, that's for just try to find the right "fit" and you will feel so much better. It takes time. Sending lots of positive thoughts your way...

  4. I can so relate. I hate meds, but I get no more than four hours of sleep per night, ever, and I know it can't be healthy. The body needs more and deeper sleep to heal itself, but I'm not sure if I'm depressed because I don't sleep, or if it's the reverse. Chickens and eggs...

    It sounds as if Lexipro is doing good things for you (and your son.) You've encouraged me to talk to my doctor about this problem because I know that something has to change.

    You are a trail blazer for me, and I wish you much luck while sending thanks to you for discussing this issue.

  5. I don't know anything about medications, but they sound like it's helping which is wonderful.God Bless you and your child and keep you both safe and happy..Bunches of hugs

  6. man, I think I need some meds after reading your post.

    ((hugs)) glad you did something like this for yourself.

  7. Good luck! I know how this goes. Major Depressive Disorder since I was about 11, and have been suffering majorly since about November of last year. 7 months of therapy, 4 anti-depressants and a hospital stay later and I'm finally starting to feel normal again. It will get better eventually. Slowly maybe but eventually. You're in my thoughts.

  8. Father: yea. my lips say yes, but my thighs say no. sighs.

    Karma: thanks for the insight and support. I am fortunate that I don't have to deal with more, and should maintain sight of that. Glad to know that you are feeling better. :hugs:

  9. cathy: yea. i finally had to succomb realizing that I could not accomplish normalcy on my own. thanks for sharing. :hug:

    hearts: it never hurts to have a discussion with your doctor. There are many alternatives to obtaining sleep. I have to tell you that trazadone is the first thing I tried. Its an anti depressant with a sleep agent, non addictive. Find out about that one. Thanks for your gratitude.

    steph: thank you dear woman. Be thankful for a peaceful life. :hugs:

    Goddess: I don't recommend that everyone takes medication. I reached a point that I had to. There are homeopathic supplements out there that will help you sleep. Discuss with a doc first.

    sighs. cathartic.