So... the father of my little angel is not in the picture. He had an opportunity, and he dismissed it. As he has dismissed me. I hope that he is doing well somewhere. I have no serious resentment towards him (believe me I worked long and hard to be able to be truthful in saying that statement). He doesn't deserve the love of the mini me.
With that being said, my son is really starting to become a little person that can communicate, and understand. There is more discipline required now as he establishes his independence. I am actually very poor in at disciplinary action. I was hoping I could be stern and rigid without reaction. Most times I can, but sometimes, working alone, its an impossibility. And I can not beat myself up for my shortcomings. This path is one I have chosen, and I will remain strong to the cause.
Okay, now for the gristle. I was having to punish the little man, and he said to me, I am going to call my daddy. He is my friend. And he will be nice to me. Major league sigh. If he only knew. I had to totally regroup, because at this point in our relationship, he has not mentioned daddy.
I said, "Where is your daddy?
He said, "I don't know. Do you know where daddy is?"
I said, "I don't know where he is." That is the truth. Then I quickly changed the subject to discussing why Daddy was his friend and I wasn't. What Daddy would do that I couldn't do.
This is so difficult. But dammit! I am doing a good job, and I know this has to be hard on the little man to have that void. Soon he will be in school, and people will be asking him the same question he asked me. Where is your daddy? I have tried not to dwell too much on my reaction or answer to this question. The truth is best, but how do you tell a child that a man who will not take responsibility for his child, is someone that is loving, and good, but can't be here right now. That is just a lie. He refuses to be here. And I am fine with that.
I guess this is rough for a Monday huh? I am going to take each moment as it comes and deliver the goods upon request. With a smile, and some positive twist so he doesn't have a lifetime of self doubt. So that he knows he deserves to be loved by those that will and do love him.
I don't know why I had to be the damn character actress in this lifetime, but there it is. *Awaits Lifetime TV to call regarding the screenplay about her life*
working title: One Step Leads the Way