There are many ways of breaking a heart. Stories were full of hearts broken by love,
but what really broke a heart was taking away its dream - whatever that dream might be.
Pearl S. Buck

Monday, August 13

The Question I Dread...

So... the father of my little angel is not in the picture. He had an opportunity, and he dismissed it. As he has dismissed me. I hope that he is doing well somewhere. I have no serious resentment towards him (believe me I worked long and hard to be able to be truthful in saying that statement). He doesn't deserve the love of the mini me.

With that being said, my son is really starting to become a little person that can communicate, and understand. There is more discipline required now as he establishes his independence. I am actually very poor in at disciplinary action. I was hoping I could be stern and rigid without reaction. Most times I can, but sometimes, working alone, its an impossibility. And I can not beat myself up for my shortcomings. This path is one I have chosen, and I will remain strong to the cause.

Okay, now for the gristle. I was having to punish the little man, and he said to me, I am going to call my daddy. He is my friend. And he will be nice to me. Major league sigh. If he only knew. I had to totally regroup, because at this point in our relationship, he has not mentioned daddy.

I said, "Where is your daddy?

He said, "I don't know. Do you know where daddy is?"

I said, "I don't know where he is." That is the truth. Then I quickly changed the subject to discussing why Daddy was his friend and I wasn't. What Daddy would do that I couldn't do.

This is so difficult. But dammit! I am doing a good job, and I know this has to be hard on the little man to have that void. Soon he will be in school, and people will be asking him the same question he asked me. Where is your daddy? I have tried not to dwell too much on my reaction or answer to this question. The truth is best, but how do you tell a child that a man who will not take responsibility for his child, is someone that is loving, and good, but can't be here right now. That is just a lie. He refuses to be here. And I am fine with that.

I guess this is rough for a Monday huh? I am going to take each moment as it comes and deliver the goods upon request. With a smile, and some positive twist so he doesn't have a lifetime of self doubt. So that he knows he deserves to be loved by those that will and do love him.

I don't know why I had to be the damn character actress in this lifetime, but there it is. *Awaits Lifetime TV to call regarding the screenplay about her life*

working title: One Step Leads the Way

13 comments:

  1. You are a great mother...So many Mom's raise their kids alone today. Even some where their dad is in the picture, the dad is gone all the time..
    My kids dad is gone most of the time, and they are used to it..
    We have problems sometime, but as long as you love and do your best, I believe you'll raise a fine young man..
    Bunches of hugs to you and the little man....

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  2. Mississippi songbird is right. Even I'm married with a son. I does everything alone. My husband is too busy to spend time with us. But if we teach our kids with love, they'll be fine. Be strong, dear. :)

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  3. It's a tough one for sure. I don't suppose he's old enough yet for the discussion about how sometimes daddies become daddies before they're really ready...

    I just know the little prince is luck to have you for a mommy.

    Hang in there; you're doing all the right things.

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  4. I can't imagine how tough that must be. But it sounds like you're doing a great job with him. *Hugs*

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  5. Songbird: yea. I am grateful i don't have another opinion around sometimes as well. thanks. :hug:

    blurry: that was my upbringing too. my dad was gone a lot, but when he was home he was a part of our lives. thanks for stopping by.

    beanie: gracious. I believe we will have a lot of conversations like the one you propose in the future.

    karma: :hugs: well, its a daily journey. I try not to consume my thoughts with it more than i have to, or else I would go insane!!!

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  6. your doing a great job! Obviously you are one awesome mother who is on the right track.

    Tough stuff.

    ((hugs))

    and, you are right, his father is NOT worthy of your little man's love.

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  7. goddess: thanks. I sometimes think i am running in circles... and end up passing the same issues over and over again. Hoping that is par for the course. HUGZZZZZ

    ali: sighs. :hug:

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  8. I am so very glad both my wife and our son know exactly where daddy is.

    I am so glad I know the value of each of them.

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  9. Mel - I have quite a lot of experience regarding this. Most of which has never been blogged about, some of which is going on now. If you want, I can talk with you about my experiences.

    cindydianne_tx@yahoo.com

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  10. Cindy: added you to my messenger. thanks lady. :hugs:

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  11. It's so very, very hard, but all I can say is, having your son is worth it. As you know.

    The biggest challenge is in not allowing your legitimate anger at his father to seep into his awareness.

    I have been there, and that was by far the hardest thing I had to do. I'm not sure that I totally succeeded, even though I was always aware that the kids didn't deserve to be punished for his sins.

    Good luck with your difficult but very rewarding path.

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