There are many ways of breaking a heart. Stories were full of hearts broken by love,
but what really broke a heart was taking away its dream - whatever that dream might be.
Pearl S. Buck

Sunday, September 16

Contemplation

I was thinking about something the other day. Thinking about a friend of mine, well, someone that used to be my friend. Thinking about some of the things he said to me. And the ambiguity of it all. what was reality in comparison to what was being said. I realized that we all do this. We tell ourselves lies to get past things we don't want to see in ourselves. And the people that are truly the most secure with themselves find no need to lie. Flaws are human. I accept them. But I also use them as an excuse to be selfish and self centered. Sh*t. I hate growing up. It takes all the fun out of being irresponsible, and negligent to the feelings of others.

I have come up with three or four big lies I tell myself. But not sure that I should talk about them here. One is that I am a loving person. I am not so sure about that one. I know I am capable of love. I know that I can love selflessly, but I do have a side of me that expects the kind of love in return that I give. And maybe its not a lie that I am a loving person. I think its a lie for me to believe that I am as lovable as I see myself.

So I ask you. How honest with yourself are you? I must plant a tree and watch it grow. And honesty is the best fertilizer. Its on my list to create that platform for myself. And when I can't be honest, because it will damage someone? I will find a way to not lie to them.

man. too deep for a monday morning eh? well, i did this on sunday night. ;-)

13 comments:

  1. I think I'm relatively honest. At least I'm getting there and you're right, growing up is no fun whatsoever!!! I know that I can be a completely selfish person with no regard to other's feelings at times. And I realize that I'm neurotic as hell. And sometimes I can be manipulative. I don't mean to be but sometimes I am. Geez, honesty sucks.

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  2. I say that I'm patient and easy going. But I'm really not. I'm more in a hurry and like plans. :)

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  3. Someone said that"today is the first day of the rest of your life."
    I'm thinking "how genius is that?
    I thought that day was gone already."

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  4. honestly, when i really think about it, i dont think i am too honest with myself at ALL...

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  5. yeah, wayyyy to deep for a Monday.

    I have to admit. I tell myself a couple of whoppers and ya know the bad part? I actually believe them most of the time......

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  6. karma: I like the way you think. Kinda like me! honesty is just honesty. nothing more or less. it does make things difficult for us "avoiders"

    tink: keeping things in order is a lot easier than going with the flow sometimes.

    Bry: good to see you! Yea. there are those moments. and they are beautiful.

    slyde: you gotta fix that leak.

    goddess: i love you. OK? there. I said it.

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  7. I can't say for certain that I am not as subject to self-delusion as anyone else. My path demands a sort of rigorous honesty... but I think I have other ways of avoiding. (I'm very reclusive.. which is a form of avoidance as well.)

    Given what you've written, a line is going through my mind, "Once you are a pickle, you can't go back to being a cucumber." In other words, since you've had this realization, the rest will begin to change. You will see it unfold. :)


    Peace,

    ~Chani
    http://thailandgal.blogspot.com

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  8. chani: i have had this realization over and over again. But there are times when it does ring more clearly than others. One of the benefits of ADD, i don't have to beat myself up for stuff I don't have any recollection of.

    thanks for the cucumber line. very appropriate.

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  9. I don't know. I think I'm too honest sometimes...

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  10. well, liz there it is. your only flaw! :giggles:

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  11. I just got off the phone with this
    asshole who wanted money.

    "Father Luke can you give me $300?"

    I told him the truth.
    I told him to fuck off. I'm not
    here to play fucking banker.

    Sheeeeet.

    See, an alcoholic will steal your
    wallet. An addict will steal your
    wallet, and then help you to look
    for it.

    Above all else, I want the truth.

    - -
    Okay,
    Father Luke

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  12. I think the word that pisses me off most is GIVE me 300!

    seriously. work for it. barter, but give? pleeez.

    above all else, i want truth as well.

    thanks F.L.

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  13. it's much easier to be honest about other people, which is why it's good to argue.

    this public service announcement has been brought to you by the bickerfest.

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