There are many ways of breaking a heart. Stories were full of hearts broken by love,
but what really broke a heart was taking away its dream - whatever that dream might be.
Pearl S. Buck

Wednesday, October 31

The Companion

This is an entry I posted February 2006. Someday, I will find my companion. I know he is out there, somewhere.

Have I ever been in love? I am wondering. I know that I have made attempts to share my heart with the opposite sex. I have shared my body with the opposite sex. I have been so entranced by the someone that i got lost in its dream and faded away... into a person I didn't wish to be. We all share this story.

Its a story of love. But tell me readers. What is love? Is it the butterflies in your stomach? Is it the way the ass looks as it walks away from you? Is it the breath that caresses your neck as you sleep? The time you lie awake waiting to see those eyes looking at you again? Is there love in those moments? And when they do leave us, does love leave? Not really. Like all great days, the sun sets, and it fades. Its bright beautiful colors growing darker. Filling the corners with its remaining pieces of glitter and momentos. And that finally fades to. But our hearts always hold a piece of that. Like ice frozen in a rock, our love melts but it makes a space that remains with us always.

This week I have observed the evidence of love. And love lost. From the eyes of my women friends, some who are saying goodbye to their visions, perspirations and perpetual heart song flowing out to that other. The promise of the other. The being that completes ourselves. The companion makes life worth living! Reminds us to sing, laugh, shave our legs, paint beautiful dreams with our words to them, about them with them. Sweet sisters. We must remember one thing, without us they would be nothing! And in leaving us for another, they have left themselves without US! A true friend and companion. But such are choices that we have no control over. Hence the pain of the greatest feeling we will ever know.

We find ways to remove ourselves from the pain. From the heartache. Taking down old images and replacing them with mirrors. To remind ourselves of our beauty, our purpose, and our ability to overcome. Until in that mirror we see our light shining again. We put on our amour, and we saddle up to ride again across the wilderness. Looking for the companion. The other. The one that makes us laugh, sing and soar above the old pangs of love. A true, sure and honest companion.

But, damn all this waiting. Its hell on my sex life! ;-)


OK. I admit it. I am BORING this year. I wanted happy pumpkins. (basically because they are easier to carve)

and here they are.

ee gourds

I will put up a picture of George later... I tried to do a good job on the mask, but... not happy with the results. He on the other hand is ecstatic.

Halloween Humor

Why can't witches get pregnant? Because Warlocks have hollow weenies... HA!

Monday, October 29



OK. NO way do I look like this woman. but this is cool.



Man. I am tired! I love Santa Barbara. There is ALWAYS something going on. And if you think I am kidding, check out the SB

Friday night was slow. Went out for Thai food. Found a good restaurant so that is good news. Then off to a friends. Austin wanted to play with the "boys" (25 year olds. :wink:)

The Opera. Hansel and Gretel. A-man enjoyed it. He asked me about the animals, the curtain, why there was a cage on the stage, when were the animals coming back, where were the people going, why was there smoke, and "look the sky was blue, and now its red". He sat still and watched. Afterwards there was a party. They had things for the kids to do. Mask making, bracelet making, decorating gingerbread men, floral hair wreath making, and face painting. They also had hot dogs and juice. Good times.

Then, you wanted to go and play with the "boys" again. I obliged you. I like going to CC's house.

Kids Parade (Halloween) All kinds of kids in costume marching down State St, tossing candy. He wasn't too happy about asking for candy. A-man is shy. (So much like me when I was younger). But he managed to get some goodies. Then we went to a "bunny" festival. That was very interesting. I think everyone wants a bunny when they see them. So fluffy and soft and cute. He kept asking me for a bunny. That is not going to be his first pet. (I am thinking a gold fish.) bunny

We got him new shoes, and "Meet the Robinson's". A-man finally passed out around 9:30 last night.

We were both tired this morning. Mommy needs work weeks to recover from the weekends.

Ready for Halloween? :excited:

Wednesday, October 24


I have boobs. They take up a good portion of real estate on my person. Its not something that I asked for, am ashamed of, or even despise. Although my lower back may say otherwise most days. Why am I speaking of them now? Reason: I was observing some photos from a flickr contact. The images were of civilians being trained as volunteer fire fighters. What does this have to do with boobs do you ask? Here goes.

These women in the photos, there were probably 3 or 4, didn't have large breasts. Now, I don't applaud or judge them for this. What point came to mind is how much IN THE WAY larger breasts seem to be. They were strapping on the harnesses for oxygen, and their boobs don't interfere. I mean, if I donned this thing, well, i don't think there would be enough strap! I found myself feeling upset because my anatomy can get in the way of some possibilities. sighs.

Here are a few examples of my upper body interference.

• Have you tried to make a complete golf swing, like with a driver, and not be able to bring your arms across your chest? You have to move your entire body. not good.

• I have knocked drinks over at the bar WITH MY BREASTS... You know some people talk with their hands, and knock them over. I have other ways. Thankfully it makes my friends laugh, male bartenders find this intriguing, and I get another drink for free. (Thought I did a blog on these occasions, but must not have...)

• Its a playground for my son. well, until he turned 3, we would be in the store, and down the shirt his hand would go. He even pulled down my shirt at the dentists office. Thankfully the dentist was a funny man, Making the comment, Well at least we know he is going to be a boob man. HA. funny doc.

• Imagine playing co-ed football and getting tackled and landing on them. OUCH!!!!

• golf swing, baseball bat swing, same diff.

• FORGET running. Just forget it. I think my swim coach made me do it on purpose so he could watch me. He was eventually prosecuted for being a perv. PERVY coach... He also made me a diver... Ha. as if that anatomy can ease into the water without a splash.

Now good people, don't get me wrong. Much pleasure can be found with the anatomy that doesn't involve organized sports, or public exercise. And I wont have a reduction, because the procedure is still too barbaric. Like I need to lose sensation there. NOT. Another annoying fact? It's the last place I lose weight. No lie.

So. I am a large breasted woman. I should write a poem, or a song. Keep watching. I think I am going to do just that. Stoop it anatomy. But i guess we are all built for something. My guess? I am built for pleasure. (Cause milk production, well. That was tricky at pregnancy) And if so? Why is it I get no action? :ha:


You Are 52% Bipolar

You're a bit moody, and at times, your moods can be a bit extreme.
It's up to you to decide if you're simply dramatic... or slightly bipolar.

CHA! Like I needed a "blog thing" to enlighten me. enjoy this scientific test, my bipolar counterparts. HA! ha ha ah bwhahaha.... hey, how did they know my favorite color was purple, and that my arms are longer than my legs... ooo look. something shiny.

*wanders off to watch the hummingbirds*

OFF TOPIC: I apologize for not visiting your blogs regularly. I am a mess of madness this week. too much to do, and as usual put it all off till the last minute. blech.

Tuesday, October 23


Have you noticed lately what kind of little rituals you have? I mean the only thing that brought it to mind was while dressing my son this morning, after I put on his drawers, he held out his feet. He is used to the "getting dressed" ritual. On him, I put the underwear on, socks, pants and lastly his shirt. In that order. The way I get dressed is about the same. Last thing to go on is the shirt. I kind of like walking around half naked in the mornings... (shhh, i didn't say that out loud).

Other rituals, for example, are in the bathtub. Wash hair first, then conditioner. Then the soapy sap on the loofah sponge, mmmmm soapy sap, then shaving, then scrubbing the face, then pumice stone, then rinsing off conditioner, then out! And the whole hair ritual that follows that, product applied, teeth brushed, then face lotion, deodorant, etc. I mean certain things just must be in order.

What is the ritual you notice most in your life? The way you make your coffee? Your commute to work? Or do you have a ritual of which socks you wear with what outfits? It amazes me how we become more set in our ways as we get older. Maybe its just environmental education. We know how we like things to be. But doesn't that sometimes lead us to being crotchety or stodgy? I don't know. I do like my certain brand of toilet paper, folded in a certain way. And no they can't take that away from me.

I wish everything in my life could have a little more order to it. But then again, what a total drag to be ultimately predictable. right? Just thinking out loud. Enjoy your twoooosday.

Hey Texas, you reading this? :giggles:

Where is my smile... pouts.

Monday, October 22

Massage Monday

I need a massage. Long one. Then an afternoon to just reflect and heal. Peace.

I did very little this weekend, but unfortunately my body is stiff. Time to start back up at the gym. I have way too much to do and little time on my hands. Why do I put things off knowing its going to take me longer if to accomplish things if I keep postponing them? Life wont get easier unless I work a little harder.

Happy Mondays all. Enjoy your virtual massage.

edit: goddess? I have a bone to pick with you. I signed onto your site, saw its "windy" title, now I am singing the theme song from Oklahoma. MAKE IT STOP!!!!!


Friday, October 19

Do you Scream?

Do you ever feel like you are standing in the middle of a crowd screaming and no one can hear you? I know someone in a movie said this line, and I don't care. I believe its a phenomenon that has happened throughout time.

I feel that way right now. My insides are screaming out, and I can't seem to calm them down. I haven't had any sleep (8 hours in two days). I fall asleep for two hours, wake up, can't get back to sleep for an hour or two, then fall asleep for another two hours... Its hell. I am having to up dosage on one medication, and completely abandon another. This experiment with body chemistry is taking a toll on my sleep. (Don't get me wrong. Its been mostly a godsend to me).

In addition, one person in my life I thought was my good friend, is slowly falling into a pattern of disregarding me. My son needs serious discipline rituals right now. All my belongings from a two bedroom apartment are being shipped to a studio. And through all of it, I am having body chemistry experiments with some serious side effects. Topped off with rolling mood swings from another womanly condition. I have no stamina left this week. None.

Man that f*cker on the white steed better show up soon. At least for a few days next week to help with the heavy lifting when my stuff is delivered. There is so much for me to be thankful for. But for today, I am feeling like a steam roller has rolled over me, and I just want to lay here and remain flat. And not think. Or feel anything.


Thursday, October 18

Never Enough Sleep

There is never enough sleep. Once you become a parent, forget that sleeping thing. Its just gone for a while. :yawn:

Wishing all my friends from RP that are traveling to the "big meetup" a safe trip. And loads of good times. Paste a picture of me on the wall, and don't forget to say clever things, in my accent. Vicarious living is what I do best! Well, there is a debate about one other thing I do best... we will let the smile is the judge of that. (and no... its not sexual if thats what you are thinking :wink:)

Looking forward to hearing all about it. And perhaps to dream. :yawn:

Tuesday, October 16

Name Meme

Ok I think I took this from Eliza's site. It may be meme week here, because I am really busy at work. Which means I haven't been regularly visiting my friends sites either. Please forgive. I should be back up to speed in a few days. so look out!

1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet & current car)
Heidi Altima

2.YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (fave ice cream flavor, favorite cookie)
Coffee Ginger Snap

3. YOUR “FLY Guy/Girl” NAME: (first initial of first name, first three letters of your last name)
MM-it (WHA?)

4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal)
Purple Giraffe

5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born)
Edith Frankfort

6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first) - Mitme

7. SUPERHERO NAME: (”The” + 2nd favorite color, favorite drink)
The Red Martini

8. NASCAR NAME: (the first names of your grandfathers)
Harry MacKenzie

9. STRIPPER NAME: (the name of your favorite perfume/cologne/scent, favorite candy) - Manifesto Toffee

10.WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother’s & father’s middle names)
Edith Morton

11. TV WEATHER ANCHOR NAME: (Your 5th grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter)
Miller Minneapolis

12. SPY NAME: (your favorite season/holiday, flower)
Spring Daffodil

13. CARTOON NAME: (favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now + "ie" or "y")
Pear Toppy

14. HIPPY NAME: (What you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree)
Apple Palm

15. YOUR ROCKSTAR TOUR NAME: (”The” + Your fave hobby/craft, fave weather element + “Tour”)
The Painting Rain Tour

now painting rain sounds like my kind of activity. do it if you want to, and let me know. I would like to see.

Pumpkin Patch


Ok. Our first pumpkin patch of the season was Sunday. We drove south to a friends house to check it out. They had dinosaurs, ghouls, a big inflatable slide, a jumper, and pumpkins galore! I managed to take a few shots. I love pumpkin time. Orange orbs of goodness.


Can't wait to "smoosh 'em up" as the little one says, regarding the carving of the pumpkin.

happy tuesday bloggers.

Saturday, October 13

zoo date

Okay. going BACK to the zoo today. play date for the little one. he is excited about meeting up with his friend he ran into last weekend. I am excited to. I love michael.

long day. got a magnetic fishing rod with magnetic fish. and its cherished.

fish dreams

Wednesday, October 10

Ok Dreamers

I have had dreams come true in the past. One time I dreamt about nuclear holocaust while living in Houston. In part of this dream, on the wall of a rehearsal hall I was singing in, there was a painting of mouth shapes posed in the pronunciation position using different vowels or consonants. At the end of this dream, I was in a church preforming, and over the loud speaker someone announced "name your nemesis country here" had launched nuclear missiles and the president was retaliating. This announcement was to inform us to find shelter. I ran to the phone to call home. While waiting, I looked out the window. It was a lovely, clear, beautiful day. But in the distance, I saw large dark clouds getting closer, big booms were shaking the ground (yes I could feel them), and the sound of helicopters rushing people off the streets was deafening. That was basically the end of the dream. I woke up crying and shaking.

The next waking day I was on a first date with a guy. He took me to his friends house for some reason that I currently can't remember. While I waited for them to finish their talking in the other room, I wandered around the living room. On the wall of this mans apartment was the EXACT painting from the night before. Same colors, same lips, same red lines dividing the examples. When the two of them returned, I asked this stranger, "Have I ever met you before?"

He said, "No. I have never seen you before."

I asked, "Did you paint this painting?"

He responded, "NO, a friend did that for me. I am in a band, and she painted that for me."

I inquired. "Is she a famous artist, and would I have seen that somewhere in a show in this town?"

He said, "No. She gave it to me as a present. Its one of a kind."

Ok. So at this point I am really starting to freak out. I said, "You won't believe this but I had a dream about this exact painting last night. Exactly. Colors lips everything. Then there was a nuclear holocaust." and I laughed.

They both looked at me like I had two heads and said "yea, ok." I dropped it. But you can be damn sure I listened and freaked about helicopters all week.

So in telling you this, I had a dream about my cousin last night. She is pregnant. I have a very strong feeling she is going to have a boy. But its not going to be easy. After that one experience of telling the people I dream about what I have seen, I don't really share these visions I have with them. But rest assured, there is some element of the foresight in me. I wish I could harness that power for good!

Hope I can find a similar soul to share this with, someone else that has the "gift of insight".

Little Wonders

small fall

by Rob Thomas

Let it go,
let it roll right off your shoulder,
Don't you know,
the hardest part is over,
let it in,
Let your clarity define you in the end,
You will only just remember how it feels.
Our lives are made,
in these small hours,
these little wonders
These twisted turns of fate,
time falls away,
But these small hours,
these small hours, still remain.

Let it slide,
let your troubles fall behind you,
let it stand,
Till you feel it all around you,
And I don't mind if it's me you need to turn to, we'll get by,
It's the heart that really matters in the end.

Our lives are made,
in these small hours, these little wonders
These twisted turns of fate,
time falls away,
But these small hours,
these small hours, still remain.
All of my regret,
will wash away somehow,
But I cannot forgive the way I feel right now.
In these small hours,
these little wonders,
these twisted turns of fate,
All these twisted turns of fate,
these twisted turns of fate
Yeah, times falls away
But these small hours,
these small hours, still remain.
They still remain,
these little wonders,
all these twisted turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these little wonders
Still remain.

Smile, its just me. Its just you. Its just time. Instances don't define forever, they define now. A moment in time. Communicate with me. Forgive me when I don't understand the lack of it and act all crazy and exploding like a volcano. And I will forgive you when you don't accomplish it because you don't have the power, and time to or just wont because you are a little stubborn. And I am a lot.

lets have our little wonders.

Tuesday, October 9

Ms. Joan A.

I am tired of not having time to listen to music. Someone sent me a copy of this album. Its really quite good. A long time lover of Joan, I hadn't even heard about this album's release.

check it yourself. and please leave a note of your latest finds. NEED NEW MUSIC!

feed me seymour... (giggles).

Monday, October 8

The Zoo

Ok. The zoo was a lot more fun than I thought it would be! We found a coworker and her daugther, so we had kids to run with. The food was an interesting experience. And the weather was amazing. We also ran into a pre-school friend of my son's. His best buddy.
They are like peas and carrots... I hope to drive to a play date this weekend. They both were so sad to say goodbye to each other.

Sunday? Day of semi-rest for mommy. We pretty much didn't do anything but wrestle tickle, read books, nap and eat. Oh and watch cartoons of course. I got the pleasure of seeing El Tigre. I laughed my a** off. Not so much that it is overly funny, but Nickelodeon does an amazing job with its dialogs. Actually got into a conversation with some people on Saturday night about this very topic. How the old Fractured Fairly Tales, Rocky and Bullwinkle, etc... Cartoons were written for adults and children could enjoy them too. I didn't argue too much as these were people that don't watch modern day cartoons. But I find that even now, good cartoons have the exact same formula. Just more modern subject matter. Spongebob is a classic. Fairly Oddparents, scary but entertaining. Any way... Needless to say, my aura is very yellow! (my friend says that is the color of childlike mentality. :giggles:)

Hope you all had good weekends. Lets start this day off with a laugh... stoopit Mondays, ruining our weekends. :hurumph:

more cartoons please.

Friday, October 5


I wrote a passage about someone the other night on the website I am always at, RadioParadise (that is a total clue, if you want to stalk me, I live over there). I wrote about someone that was wonderful but not wonderful for me.(Not talking about you smile, although we haven't had much to smile about lately).

A friend sent a message asking me to explain. I don't really know if I am capable. It would involve a lot of dialogue that I would rather do face to face. Guess I am going to have to go and visit him, and his family, and meet up with some other friends so I can have that discussion with him. My kid loves B. and so do I. Good father, good man, good husband. Maybe soon.

This weekend, more chores on Friday night. Zoo on Saturday, Party with friends Saturday night, Sunday, I have committed to going to church. sighs. I am not much for religion, but I grew up in the church, and feel that my son should have that exposure. At least once a month. And, then? BEACH! Or the avocado festival. Have to decide after seeing how the weather is.

happy weekends all you cyberites!

Thursday, October 4


Okay. I had to start thinking about where I was going to enroll the boy in school next year. Both my mother and my counselor think that enrolling him in school when he just turned five will be a mistake. Yesterday I toured an Open Alternative School. I think that this OAS school may alleviate that "too young for school" concern. The only reason I toured this school was because a co-worker's two daughters attended the OAS school. Her oldest is already in Jr. High, and is in "talented & gifted" classes.

Much to my joy it is a public school. Its basically a co-op that requires parents to contribute 2 hours a week in helping out with classes, special projects, field trips, or administrative work. I look forward to helping. They employ multi-age groupings which means the kindergarten class has first graders in it, etc. Their lesson plans (concepts) are based on theme and real life experience, so they can integrate this learning into their everyday life. They set aside time everyday for an open forum to discuss problems and successes of the day. How great is that to building self esteem and confidence?

As I sat listening to the director talk about this school, I got kind of teary eyed. Oh how I wish that I had this kind of opportunity in my early years. How much I hated the thought of going to school everyday. And how he wont have to have think that. And how lucky I am to let my son experience this. He is too smart to hold back, but too wild to be in a "classic" school environment. I have found a good place for him.

This move to California has been very, very hard on me, but it was the only way to make a life that he can flourish in. And the residuals aren't too shabby! I get to live and work in one of the most beautiful cities on the planet.

Thank you Universe for kicking my a** out of Texas!

Not that I don't love my Texas friends, I really do... really. I miss them. The California folks aren't Texans. Nope.

Monday, October 1

Fall in Line

Monday morning, crisp cool weather, not a cloud in the sky. A wonderful weekend. I have the day off on Wednesday, purely an oversite on my part, but going to take it. And do some stuff I need to do. Tour a school I wish my son to attend, color my hair, throw out TONZ of paperwork, donate clothes, clean my carpets... Go to the library.

Bet you think I can't accomplish all that in one day, do you!? I am the original energizer bunny. Its the damn brain o mine, there is no peace in that cavern. And I don't lament that one little bit. I just need to find some set paths to utilize it to its full potential.

Wow, its only Monday. You guys tired yet? Me? Just the beginning of another step towards destiny. Time to get things in line for greatness.

Hi HO!!!! :whistles: