There are many ways of breaking a heart. Stories were full of hearts broken by love,
but what really broke a heart was taking away its dream - whatever that dream might be.
Pearl S. Buck

Friday, October 19

Do you Scream?

Do you ever feel like you are standing in the middle of a crowd screaming and no one can hear you? I know someone in a movie said this line, and I don't care. I believe its a phenomenon that has happened throughout time.

I feel that way right now. My insides are screaming out, and I can't seem to calm them down. I haven't had any sleep (8 hours in two days). I fall asleep for two hours, wake up, can't get back to sleep for an hour or two, then fall asleep for another two hours... Its hell. I am having to up dosage on one medication, and completely abandon another. This experiment with body chemistry is taking a toll on my sleep. (Don't get me wrong. Its been mostly a godsend to me).

In addition, one person in my life I thought was my good friend, is slowly falling into a pattern of disregarding me. My son needs serious discipline rituals right now. All my belongings from a two bedroom apartment are being shipped to a studio. And through all of it, I am having body chemistry experiments with some serious side effects. Topped off with rolling mood swings from another womanly condition. I have no stamina left this week. None.

Man that f*cker on the white steed better show up soon. At least for a few days next week to help with the heavy lifting when my stuff is delivered. There is so much for me to be thankful for. But for today, I am feeling like a steam roller has rolled over me, and I just want to lay here and remain flat. And not think. Or feel anything.



  1. ((hug)) I wish I could have given you that in person.

    You must scream. Go take 15 minutes, drive somewhere so you won't bother the people around you, drop to your knees and scream from your toes on up.

    I'll hear you.

  2. ((hugs))

    life sure does not have a shortage of trials.

    there HAS to be reprieve for you around the corner...somewhere.

  3. I've certainly been there. And it sucks. I used to have insomnia. I'm sure a lot of the problem may be stress. If you can stand it, try working out really hard and then having a few glasses of red wine. I'm sure you'll sleep well then ;o)
    ((((Take care of you))))

  4. OH sweetie, maybe we can hug eeach other because I so know how you're feeling.

  5. beanie: you are so much better at this than I. Thanks for the hugs.

    goddess: one can hope. actually one is hoping. wont give that up. I really need it to be sooner than later though. I am getting weary. :sighs:

    kat: its not so much insomnia, but I feel you pain there this week. I have a son that wakes me up in the middle of the night. even working out doesn't make me tired. I am a freak.

    Jay: thanks for that. I could use some hugs. for real.

  6. Hugs from GA. I know what you're going through. Just had one med doubled and added anti-anxiety meds to that. The first night made me....well....a little nuts. It will get better for you.

  7. DO IT. SCREAM!!!!!

    wow. didn't know you were moving. that's crazy stressful. especially into a smaller place. whoa.

    good luck with it all. i know you'll pull through because you're one tough broad (meant as a compliment!)

  8. Actually Rebecca, i am still in the same spot. All my things are being shipped from storage in Texas.

    and thanks for the compliment. Sometimes that tough broad thing gets tedious, and you need to be a princess. But, I guess all princesses aren't wimpy. :wink:

  9. karma: those meds are tripy eh? I am off the anti anxiety, which is fine, i wasn't anxious that often anyway, it just helped me sleep. Full dose of lexapro. And although the side effects are kind of horrific for now, I am actually feeling like accomplishing things... well, most days.

    thanks for the companionship. :hugs: