There are many ways of breaking a heart. Stories were full of hearts broken by love,
but what really broke a heart was taking away its dream - whatever that dream might be.
Pearl S. Buck

Friday, November 30

It Rained

Its cold.
I'm lonely.
And cold.
It rained last night.

And I have to write a self evaluation today. If I could write it on how far I have come as a person, not related to my job, it would be much easier. Instead, I have to "evaluate" a position that I took over from someone that was in this job for 8 years. Navigating my way through a system that has NO guidelines (or rules written out), other than "you did that wrong" responses. Its not going to be a pleasant day but I am sure going to think glowing thoughts about my accomplishments here while I compose my bosses review of me.

Update. My son is still trying to play the "make mommy mad" game. I have succeeded. Until the head butts come. YIKES. I think he has a head made of concrete. He will be good at sports. :wink:

edit: Don't you LOVE pita chips and hummus? I am just saying ;-)

Thursday, November 29

Get Mad Mommy

yea. its thursday. I have noticed that my son is starting to do things that make me angry, and he is doing them on purpose. He even said to me this morning, when I was trying to blow his nose, get mad mommy. (he wasn't blowing it of course).

Yea Kristi the family counselor comes tonight. Thank God! sighs. sometimes a little intervention is all you need. Right moms?

Tuesday, November 27

I was sleeping.

Almost a week since I came to this space. Sorry to admit I didn't miss the computer. I was online working on photos or talking to friends only. AND I didn't do that too much during the holidays either. I ate, and slept. Watched movies, took a couple of walks, played with the kid, did laundry, slept... cleaned up my apartment, ate some more. And napped. It was soooo nice. I also had a nice Thanksgiving day meal with some friends. Reminding myself that there are nice people in this world.

I still feel tired though. Imagine I slept too much. Something happened that kind of bummed me out, but I am learning to cut my losses quickly and move forward. Still doesn't stop me from getting blown down by events that involve my heart. Even when you lose a friend, its still a difficult blow. (no smile. it's not you.)

So its Tuesday. I have a car that needs some repair, but I want to accomplish that myself, just to see if I can do it. (Battery cable needs to be replaced.) And I am going to do that.

I looked at this heavenly apartment last week. Two bedrooms, in a nice quiet complex, swimming pool, two spas, workout room, laundry hookups in my apartment, dishwasher, full kitchen... corrian counter tops, bar, full size fridge... le sigh. More than I can afford right now. So I am going to dream about it for a while.

Keep those positive thoughts coming. I had a piece of news this morning that may change the living arrangements for the better. :pray: :manifest:

Wednesday, November 21

I don't know why, but..

Saw someone with a thank you note today. And this song kept popping into my head. This is the Pre-Thanksgiving thank you note. Not saying anything about anyone, just had to put it out there. and out of my HEAD!!!

I always thought she was saying "Thank you Canada, Thank you tarragon, thank you..." I am officially a DORK!! (SUWHEEET).

maybe I should work on a parody for my Thanksgiving day entry? Hm... stay tuned for "whats the dork gonna spew next?".

Thank U - by Alanis M.

How about getting off of these antibiotics
How about stopping eating when I'm filled up
How about them transparent dangling carrots
How about that ever elusive kudo

Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

How about me not blaming you for everything
How about me enjoying the moment for once
How about how good it feels to finally forgive you
How about grieving it all one at a time

Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

The moment I let go of it was
The moment I got more than I could handle
The moment I jumped off of it was
The moment I touched down

How about no longer being masochistic
How about remembering your divinity
How about unabashedly bawling your eyes out
How about not equating death with stopping

Thank you India
Thank you providence
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you nothingness
Thank you clarity
Thank you thank you silence

Thank U

Tuesday, November 20

I had a drink but not a smoke.

I am sitting in front of a light
wondering why I shared your words
more days pass, your resolution fades
taking prey only when you are lonely

why do you misjudge in ignorance
people will see past the illusion
no mystery, just a man hiding in the alley
selecting a street lamp to sing underneath

when a back turns cold on a promise
very few moments give back a reward
memories to lay with in your bed
an illusion you make out to be more

fear is a standoff with yourself
your kisses are guarded
I will not be afraid again
I have survived being abandoned

time to remember, be brave, stand up.
disregard all the people who allow
me nothing by their presence.
leave me alone if you wont share

Monday, November 19

The Sheep are Missing

Ok, so we are back to the insomnia again. I haven't slept well in three days. I really need a sleeping pill and a good stretch of time to catch up. Doesn't help that I am having these weird dreams. :eek:

where is that man with the dark hair?

edit: Jay, I accidentally rejected your comment. so I wanted to publicly thank you for it. I read it!

Saturday, November 17

Under Construction

Sorry I have been so lame lately... I am working on making my apartment livable. Don't have much time for anything else.

keep watching I will be back with another thrilling episode of watch me spew... :eyeroll:

Wednesday, November 14

Vocabulary for Rice

I was waiting for my half of a half of a bagel to toast this morning, and I read about this site in the local paper. Its called FreeRice. You go and they test your knowledge for words. Each correct answer awards you 10 grains of rice. Subsequent answers, 10 grains of rice.

They are donating grains of rice through the United Nations to feed the hungry around the world. Go. Play. Define. Donate.

I think this is a very good thing.

Tuesday, November 13

Random Selections

I am so tired. I watched Nightline last night titled "The Forgotten War" about the upcoming article in Vanity Fair regarding Afghanistan and then couldn't sleep. So... now I am having random thoughts...

• Have I mentioned that I am back on my weight watchers? I did a post about my revelation regarding food. A divine moment for me. I have felt a shift in the tides. I am going to choose better, dammit if it takes me the REST OF MY LIFE!!!!

• There is someone in my apartment complex that either washes their hair 3-4 times a day or is doing something completely different with the Highest pitched hair dryer I have ever heard in my LIFE!!!! ARGGG. I swear that dogs are howling from 10 miles away.

• My apartment looks like a storage unit exploded in there. I have too much crap. Does anyone want some crap? its good crap, but still. How many freaking spatulas do you really need? Or Tupperware for that matter? :sheesh: That being said, in one room, I have 6 chairs, a couch, two desks, and entertainment center, a toy rack, a shoe rack, 3 tables, and TOYSSSSS... sighs. i am losing it.

• The battery cables on my car are past the point of tightening. So... 80% of the time when I go to start up my car? I have to pull the hood latch and operate on the battery. Oh joy.

• Thank GOD i have Lexapro. And a family counselor. And a kid that reminds me to laugh most of the time.

• My hair is looking exceptionally fabulous today!

• My son is gorgeous... have you seen him? I talked to a psychic the other day, she says, my he is a flirt isn't he? I had to laugh and tell her he is only 4. I fear the days to come when I have to answer phone calls from the poor girls he is bound to unintentionally (i hope) mislead.

• So do you think that the war in Afghanistan is working? Do you believe we are getting anywhere there? My thoughts are, if it keeps them on their toes, maybe it will keep them from plotting more attacks on foreign soil, like the US. I was surprised to see how defensive the elders were. I must read more about this to get a better understanding. Fuck Iraq. thats a given. But this Afghanistan thing is scaring me.

• Did anyone else see the Iconoclasts special with Mike Meyers and Deepak Chopra? It is a MUST see. Love them both. Deepak is amazing as is Mike Meyers. Its a comparison of enlightenment and humor. Excellent quote from Deepak, "I think humor is humanities device to escape suffering." That is my philosophy as well, hence the tag line on my profile.

• Has anyone seen the Bee Movie? I am jonesing to hear some Jerry voice. Give me the skinny.

• I am going to be Kid FREE this Saturday! I really want to finish working on my apartment but need some big strong arms to help me move stuff... I will make a superb dinner if you can offer assistance. Give me a menu, and I will comply.

• I put my phone on vibrate, and stick it in my pocket so that when someone calls me or text messages me, i get that extra umph to the message. Hey, I pay for it!! Got to take advantage of the perks. :giggles:

• I have started putting only creamer in my coffee no sugar. And I am beginning to like it that way much better.

• What is the Christmas wish list, huh? I have two things. More room for my son and his toys. And a telephoto lens. oh, and our troops out of Iraq, and Afghanistan.

• Is it Friday yet? I need an extra day off. I think I am going to take off Friday. :sweet:

I think that is MORE than enough. Happy Tuesday all. enjoy the freak show!

Friday, November 9

I feel so GOOD today.

I am feeling renewed. Somethings are actually working in my life.

ah... deep cleansing breathes.

Mom in Training Week 3

So along with this Mom in Training challenge/counseling, I am blogging the results of what I am learning. Instead of finding something new to type today I thought I would share with you what an invaluable service Kristi Miller has provided me. This approach really works with me and my son. Anyway, last night we had a major breakthrough. THANK YOU KRISTI!

Last night was my third session with Kristi (- Solutions in Parenting). I am having some personal anxieties due to my living conditions at the moment, so I am having a difficult time centering, dealing with my son. Last session she had me focus on really getting to the core of what I am feeling when I get anxious/angry. I realize that being centered lies at the root of any successful relationship in life, but hey I am human.

After the second weeks session, I have started to become much more aware. Last night, was another great example. It is very nice having her watch my interaction with my son, and step in to give me some interaction and conversation methods to follow. Here is an example.

While we were discussing some of the discipline problems, and how that this expansion is normal behavior when our children are finding their independence at certain ages, A. starts drawing on the wall (thankfully it was a washable marker). I could not see what he was doing, but Kristi turns to me and gives me the "look at what he is doing" sign. He says Mommy i drew a... whatever it was. Now, Kristi and I decided that it would be a good time to watch me in action. I was not really upset with him for drawing on the wall. I find his creativity quite amazing. The first thing that crossed my mind was he needs an easel. So instead of getting angry I got frustrated because I knew that I would be the one "cleaning up this mess". (notice how you are feeling when things like this happen is my new mantra) I started talking to A. about how I loved his picture but it may not be the best place to draw it.. and on and on and on. Austin started getting very physical at this point and not listening. Kristi stepped in and took over. She pointed to his drawing, and said, it may stain the wall, and we need to remove it. What do you think will take it off? And if we use the water, how do we get it on the wall? And within a few minutes, he had a bucket and a sponge, and was cleaning the wall. I then suggested if he liked doing that much he could clean something else. He was completely motivated. I was amazed.

What I discovered is that I use way to many words. He can be motivated with the proper emotion attached. If you make it a challenge, and he has the tools, he will feel like he has accomplished something, and he doesn't feel shamed. Which to me is the most important aspect. I was shamed as a child, and that has a very adverse effect on self esteem.

Challenge for myself this week: Make sure to get to core emotion/feeling, a quick check of where I am, before I approach a situation out of reaction. Understand when I am using too much speech. Make it a habit to speak briefly and concisely. Offer him the option/chance to be independent by helping him discover for himself.

Every challenge is an opportunity for each of us to grow. I have to remember that and reduce my frustration and anger.

Happy Weekends all.

Thursday, November 8


I AM A SLACKER! There. I said it. I feel cleansed.

I didn't do my parent homework this week. I mean who am I hurting by being a slacker? Myself!!!!! GEEZ. I am a dork.

Thank you for sharing my pain.

*shuffles off to shame herself*

Wednesday, November 7

happy birthday f a t h e r L u k e

natalie dee

you say its your birthday...
its my birthday too yea...

x's and o's

Tuesday, November 6


Why do I feel like I am hungry all the time? What is it that I am lacking in my life that makes me want to fill this void with food? I can tell you its not an actual "need to eat". But something I spoke out loud this weekend really got me. I was talking to a friend over the weekend about smoking and said, "Cigarettes no longer have power over me". Immediately after saying that, a light went off in my head. Food. Food has power over me. What are the elements that surround that? Why is that so?

Main reason, we all have to eat at some point to maintain proper functioning. The wonderful tastes in my mouth are sensual, sublime, and provocative even. I enjoy food and all the aspects that surround it. But there are limits. I am overweight. I am compromising my health because I won't say no to excessive calorie intake. I don't make "my power over the food" a choice. There are few tricks I have relearned over the last year, from getting involved with Weight Watchers again, that seem to assist me in this dieting.

One of them is portion control. After getting on Lexapro, and on a more even level with my emotions, I am feeling more in control of this one. I am actually having moments when I realize I am eating out of emotion, and actually CARE that I am doing that to myself. (Before, I just put it down to, no one gives a shit about me (including me) why does it matter if I eat everything.) I let myself have things I crave more in moderation. There are times when I eat more than I should, but realize this is setting me back. I have to make choosing wisely the habit/norm.

Another factor that works for me in losing weight? Exercise! I have not been to the gym in 6 weeks, and I feel like a sloth because of it. I can't tell you how important getting in regular exercise is for me. I notice such a huge difference if I go there at least three times a week, if not four. My breathing is much better. My agility level steps way up (i like that one, devilish snicker here). Circulation, sleep, managing stress, its all so much better when I Exercise. Why don't I do that? :sighs:

Ok. so back to my original intent for writing this. That statement, "has no power over me", opened up the door of understanding my "addiction" to food. I have started looking at it in a whole new way. I wish I had time I would do a food diary. Write down what I eat, how I feel while I am eating it. Was I hungry when I decided to eat this, etc. But right now? I haven't started a parenting journal I am supposed to be writing. Blog entries from the parenting classes I am getting, 2 behind there. I have a studio apartment full of boxes and furniture I can barely get around. I have uvulitis. My son needs me. NEEEDS me... I can't enjoy my picture taking or study the two books my wonderful friend sent me. I am a spread thin.

BUT!!! This idea merits some support. I will have power over food in choosing ME! Whatever that takes. One step at a time, I will become thinner, more confident, and more agile. Because that is what I WANT!

Send wishes, prayers and strength. Also, suggest any tips you think work for you while you are "under the influence of food". Thanks for sticking with me here.

Monday, November 5

the uvula

I have an infected uvula (uvulitis). I hurt in the head, and my throat is raw.

blech. someone watch the kid for me so I can rest. thank you.

edit: please remember if I comment on your blogs today, i am feeling wobbly and light headed. don't take it personally, or if you can't comprehend my comments at all, sorry.

Friday, November 2

Mom in Training

Ok. You ALL know I am a single parent. I love being a mom, 80% of the time. He is a kind sweet little boy, who is so much like me its frustrating sometimes. When it comes to discipline, I fall short of complete actions. I was using techniques that offered results, but not a lasting solution. Bargaining and threatening are lame when it comes to effective discipline or motivation. Those techniques are only good for a brief period of time... when they are really little. As he grows and gains the confidence he needs to live a full life, I need to be able to communicate effectively with him. And that wasn't happening on my end. Not one little bit. I was getting desperate, and frightened that I was losing a battle that may get away from me completely. I sent my little pledge/prayer out to the universe, requesting some insight.

So, while cruising the local parent website, I entered a contest called the Parenting Challenge. And I won! YIPPPEE! One on one counseling sessions with an independent family counselor.

Once a week for the past two weeks, and the next two weeks, I have time with Kristi, from Solutions in Parenting. (I think she needs a website, and I am going to offer that to her, if she wants one.) What an EYE opener! We are talking about parenting not out of exhaustion, but out of active listening and being present with my son. I am CRAZY tired by the end of the day, but still have enough energy to be with the little guy in an emotional state and meet his needs. Oh the things I have been enlightened too. Our challenges are simple, but like she pointed out to me the other day, even if its something simple like getting him to dress himself, this will effect so many other things that happen in our lives. Finding a solution to this requires my attention in how I communicate to him, and motivate him. Making charts that show him what he needs to be putting on, walking through the process with him step by step so he feels confident, etc.

This takes time. And sometimes I feel like I don't have one more second to spare in dealing with this, or should I say I get to the point of, I can't listen to one more person ASKING me for something. That said, taking the time to accomplish this now will save me so much time in the future. And it will solidify the bond that we need to develop to be loving, respectful, and useful for one another.

Parenting is great. But sometimes, like EVERYTHING ELSE IN LIFE, its work. And I like working. I hope I can do as good a job here as I know I can.

Goal in place. Now to create the strategies and map out some of the elements. No matter the plan, life creates a lot of waves, just like the ocean. I am confident I can keep customizing the surf board until we have more smooth rides than not.