There are many ways of breaking a heart. Stories were full of hearts broken by love,
but what really broke a heart was taking away its dream - whatever that dream might be.
Pearl S. Buck

Wednesday, December 31

School

I had a dream I went back to school in the mountains. I was conflicted about why I was going. The night I first arrived to live in the dorm, I found the room I was supposed to have wasn't ready. I was placed in a room that was "temporary". I wandered outside that night with my notebook and a blanket to observe my surroundings.

When I woke up to the sounds of student voices, and I realized I had fallen asleep outside. I stared up at the sky and saw mountains. They were snow capped with clouds hanging above. Thinking in my mind how beautiful the setting. When I looked down I saw students playing soccer, and blowing bubbles. I wandered around and observing scenarios of student interaction, thinking I would be able to take some great pictures there. I found my dorm and wandered back inside.

Upon entering the dorms, I came across a man that had helped me from the beginning. I asked him to help me find my way. He apologized about the room situation. He didn't mean to mislead me. He gave me a sock with a long note upon it. He hugged me and whispered in my ear but I couldn't make out what he was saying. He seemed sad, that he was very attached to me, but he was going to leave.

I wandered the dorm watching various scenes and found my room. Then I found my friend, that assume was my boyfriend as we were sleeping in the same bed. I told him where I thought my new room was going to be and he left to go and find it. I was gathering up my belongings to move and he called, saying, I found the room. Its where you said it would be. As I was leaving the old room I thought to myself, I don't know what I want from this relationship and wasn't sure where it was going or if it would last. And that I was completely happy to be learning again. And the note on the sock had disappeared.

Thursday, December 25

Christmas



This year was a very interesting Christmas. I felt relaxed this morning. I felt happy to be making food for loved ones. My friend John came over, Leslie was here, and Austin loved all the Santa presents even though none of them were what he asked for.

Life is going to be different in 2009. I am determined to find a positive force to drive a new perspective on my work and creativity. I am going to allow myself to be loved and not feel like I am expected to do more than love in return. I am going to deal with negative dramatic whiners that come into my vision. I am going to get involved with my sons education, become more of a teacher to him.

I am going to walk. I am going to hike. I am going to be a BETTER friend. I am grateful to the universe for offering me all the opportunities that I have been blessed with. I pray for continued healing for the world and its people. And a new vision to be shared rebuilding trust between all mankind.

pontification ceased. Merry Holidays to all that pass here. Reach for the stars.

Wednesday, December 24

where?

Your vision of love is impaired. You used me as a means to an end, as you will the next in line, and the next, and the next, until you learn what you heart is searching for.

I pray that day comes soon for the sake of your children. They deserve to know what real love is. Not the false commitments we make out of blind tradition or our attachment to income and material things.

i will always love you. but you are gone now. and that is that.

Saturday, December 13

taking the piss out

You know... I have tried all my life to be a person of love, judgment free, someone that takes what is given as a challenge and allow it to alter my life. I have made mistakes for sure. But I don't pit friend against friend, putting up the "them or me" shit. I don't want to live that way. ever. I am not as strong as I used to be. I need some time in the asylum so no one can fuck with my head.

God save me if I fall back into the pit of despair. and take away jim beam. he is the devil.

Thursday, December 4

Solitary Thinkin

Today I need a day of reflection and peace. Reminding my self of the past. What the future holds. How this bag-o-weirdness has gotten down this road without a complete breakdown.

In the meantime, amuse yourself with some AMAZING photography. Ladies and Gentry, Joel Satore, Film Photographer.

Tuesday, December 2

Sometimes

Sometimes thoughts come. Like the waves of the ocean. Ideas are laid upon the page without conscious thoughts being applied. I have experienced this since early childhood. When you these images are shown to you they are not based on fact or reason, you grab on and enjoy the ride.

You always come across skeptics and doubters. Higher thinking requires no premise of pure fact. Application comes through basic physics, principles, fact and common sense. I mean seriously, if there was a perfect solution to interaction, wouldn't the world be more peaceful?

I pray every day for a way for us to each realize our potential and purpose in a peaceful, unconditional expose. Some days I think only music or art come close to that reasoning. But I am cornered by my own gifts.

Live, Love and Allow. Someone said i was judgemental today. I had to sit back and realize i was looking at the way a situation affected one person but had a completely different affect on someone else.

this makes no real sense. just asking the questions and exposing my suspicions. Love is unconditional. I hope i can reach that summit one day. Sans sarcasm or judgement.

amen. Happy Tuesday

Sunday, November 30

One Week




One Week. Yes...

Friday, November 28

Coworker dream

I had a dream about an ex coworker whom i always had a secret crush on and he had one for me. He is married now with children. I was working at a retail shop next to a restaurant/bowling alley. He and his friend walked in with his daughter. We saw each other and immediately were drawn to each other again. I decided as I saw him leave that I wanted to talk to him about our "past attraction". He was in agreement. He said, let me drop my daughter off and we can meet somewhere. I "borrowed" a dress from the store I was working at, I remember thinking this style really is flattering on me, and got commented on as I left.

We met by the ocean. We were in a parking structure climbing wooden stairs next to the ocean. It was a cloudy day and the waves were high. We kissed and both realized we may have passed up a really great opportunity, but that our lives were what they are now. And I returned to the shop the next day thinking, I am going to keep that dress no matter what it cost.

Wednesday, November 19

Falling

Today I was wheeling to my apartment talking on the phone. On the way to that, I hit a rock. Down she goes!!! The wheelie was on top of my bad leg. I hope I didn't damage my leg. It sure hurts. I am going to nap. Try and relieve some pain.

No sis. I have NO plans for Thanksgiving. Not even cooking. I will ask the child what he wants to do. We may end up going to the Beach! I wish we could have it together!

Now Christmas? I may have plans. :smiling:

Monday, November 17

Not Sleeping

And I don't know why. I think I am over excited actually. Maybe a bit anxious about some tickets I need to clear up before Thanksgiving. I have some nagging self indulgent worries about my mothering abilities. In addition, my mind is playing games with me about my ankle. And why I am not walking yet. Now there is someone new that calls to me from across the miles, keeping my mind further occupied with pleasant thoughts and images.

I am tired though! I wish I could sleep... sigh.

Saturday, November 15

More Dreams

Dont yawn and sigh. I am posting this dream question I made of a "friend" on a website I frequent, RadioParadise.com.

Enjoy my dream and his response. I apologize for the lack of information, but there is a good reason for that which will become clearer as we enter the new year.

I wrote:
Dear Doctor Seagull,

I had a dream I was hired to take band photos of a touring show with many musicians. Bob Dylan was one of them. He came and sat in my lap while I was in my wheelchair. He was wearing a black mohair vest and a black fedora. He rested his head on my shoulder and was talking to me. I don't remember all that he was saying. One thing that rang clear he mentioned he was glad I was taking pictures. Then he got up and got on the Greyhound bus and took off with the other bands. I sat and went through my images.

Then thinking I should be heading down the road because I would be missing some really good pictures if I didn't.

What the heck?

mem (alwayssnappingshotsofthefamousandinfamous) sahib


The response:
Dear Mem,

It is obvious from your dream that you are conflicted between your desires to tell stories about this world, as evidenced by your dream-job of photographer, and your desire to stay in one place in a stable home life where you can be respectable. There is a very important job for you to do now, decide whether to go for fame and fortune or to choose the quieter fortune of stability.

Your choice.

Sincerely,

Doctor (eeniemeenieminiemoe) Seagull


I enjoy a good answer to any question. I am polishing my rock star glasses as we speak.

*giggles*

Thursday, November 13

Update

I have been very laxed lately in writting. I know that you are all missing me... (yawn).

The truth? I am still not walking. Not till thanksgiving, I think. I have an appointment the Wednesday before. So I work half days, come home, do some small tasks, nap, then on to my mothering position. Which hasn't been working out so well as of late, so I am taking my energies and concentrating them there.

I also met someone that has occupied a little bit more of my "spare" time. I am not gone, just taking my time in posting.

I apologize sincerely to my Cousin, whom I made a promise to about blogging. I feel like I have abandoned him. So, dear L., I am getting back on the shift. I am going to make sure that at LEAST I blog once a week with you. Mkay???

and to all a pleasant weekend. I hope that mine is going to be.

Monday, October 27

Dreams

Last night i dreamt of living back in the big city. I was visiting a friend. (Yes it was the actor who played Frodo in the Lord of the Rings). We had gone out for drinks. After going back to his apt. passing out and waking up for work the next day i started straightening things up and people started stopping by. A couple of women friends. I realized that these were women that liked him or had been involved with him. I was started to feel uncomfortable and yet I knew that he and i were just friends. I wandered around his apt... walking up to the second level I noticed it was completly empty. A beautiful room with skylights on top of a building, but nothing was there. He was intentionally sparse. I started to question why he hadn't done anything. He said, I don't have the energy or the time. I knew that was just an excuse, because he was living on his couch in his living room. And he had a really good job. I started to propose helping him, but was propeled into the next part of the dream.

I was back at the bar we were at the night before. The place was huge, almost 3 levels. At varying heights, different tiers. the top tier was at the top of the building with beautiful views of the skyline. i sat down on the first level having a drink. I had run across the empty dance floor and jumped up to the second level to get to the top for the views. I almost tumbled over an old lover (George Clooney of course. :wink:) He smiled at me. Of course nostalgia and the feelings we had shared hit my heart. I said, Why did you move? He responded, I didn't want you to ruin my tux. I just giggled and said something like, You always were a bit finicky about your clothing, and continued up to the top of the building. He asked where are you going, I responded to see the sights. He said, This is my place. I smiled and said, I think I could have guessed that. He proceeded to show me around the nooks and kranniew. I found a couple of stilettos, not the same shoe, but one of each. I asked nearby customers if they were thiers. NO. So I handed them to "george" He said, Check this out, and proceeded with a long speech so everyone in the bar could hear him. He placed the shoes on a giant bookcase on one wall that was covered with books and "single shoes". He said, We have a wall here of shoes that people have lost over the last couple of years. feel free to take a look. As I placed the two shoes on the shelves, i looked over the shoes noticing all the styles and designs. Strangely enough in my dream? they were all black or red and black. I wandered back to "George" after looking, and sat at the bar, saying to him, What are we drinking, because I knew that we had a LOT of catching up to do. He ordered something and as I waited a waitress wandered by staring at me. I looked at him saying you are NOT sleeping with your hired ladies. He blushed. I said, darling, you will never learn.

WE proceeded to have drinks and laugh. I woke up.

Upon waking i had three thoughts. One: I am not beautiful enough to have ever slept with George Clooney, nor likely will i ever be. Two: I can never wear heels again. But i bet i could design some. Three: What is it about myself that reminds me of Frodo, and why haven't i finished the upstairs? Why haven't i tapped into my abilities?

Friday, October 24

for you...

We found each other and that is wonderful. But for now, I am alone and I am tired of it. Patience isn't my virtue, nor is it my desire. My fears will be renewed with you about trust. I will give it and try to trust over and over again.

I want what I want when I want it like everyone else. I am not going to be a sucker for anyone ever again. Not even a soul-mate, so baby? for now? go ahead, you have my heart. Because I will accept you however you are. If you aren't going to do that for me? We both lose. Because I am done compromising. DONE.

I am too precious. I am offering you the world for a few tokens... You have the intelligence to realize how easy it would be to keep someone that would hold you forever. I believe in you.

I got a song for ya. (she should have included something about patience.. my weakest virtue)

Be Careful - Patty Griffin

Das Boot




The purple cast is gone. I have a new friend now. But? I am still hopping around on one leg. no weight for another two weeks.

I need peace and recovery. maybe next year will be that year. until then? Nightmares of burglars and drowning, hopping on one leg, a loving son, and a prospective future. positively unnerving!

Tuesday, October 21

I had to LAUGH

Now, you might all have seen this but its new to me.



GoooooBAMMMAAAAAAAA!

Sunday, October 19

here i am.

I have had a lot of time to contemplate.. sitting, sleeping and not moving. I am enjoying this rest. my spirit has needed a place to stop sit and breath.

I am not quite yet ready to start the cycle again, i am feeling the need to reserve energy. Start contemplating. And as i have a son that needs my attention thats the most i can give a this moment.

he is loving and patient as a five year old can be. And i want to be an active mom. But i can NOT be active until i am healed. I look forward to the future past this 3-4 months of recovery.

There are plans in my head, but i know they are going to be there in a months time. I am going to enjoy this peace. and pray for a soulmate who can enjoy it with me. and teach my son to love life the way i do.

Tuesday, October 14

Not dead or injured

Just have a lot on my mind and haven't gotten any of it in a plausible order. Back soon. I promise.

thanks for your patience.

Thursday, October 9

first day back

Today is my first day back to work since Sept. 16th. I have to say that time off with my parents was rewarding for all of us. The best time we have spent together in a very long time.

My doc OK'ed me to go back part time until dec 15th as I am having some complications with swelling. He says I shouldn't over do it. I think that this is going to be such a great time for me to accomplish a lot of personal goals, and still get my work done at the office.

Anyone a personal assistant or organizer? I need some agenda and budget assistance.

Tuesday, October 7

it has arrived


The Roll-A-Bout.

I don't know why I didn't get the steering model, but I didn't. Sure is lighter than my wheelchair, and easier than crutches.

I am MOBILE! A thanks to my agent that rented me the apt. She turned me on to it. And to my parents that paid for my rental. I am movin!

Monday, October 6

Another Fall.... Literally

My life is a comedy of errors.. Another fall. This time i am at Shoreline Beach Cafe. We decide to sit up on the deck as its more stable for a gimpy gal. The 16 year old hostess sets us at table that was so wobbly, if the wind blew it would have spilt your water. I asked my friends, this isn't good is it? In case I needed to get a grip, I would be SOL. We asked if we could move to the next table. Wood, sturdy, etc. I turn my chair slightly to raise myself out of it slowly. The next thing I know the chair breaks and I am going DOWN!!!!! No one at my table was close enough to help. The men (I use that term as a gender descriptor ONLY) at the table next to us laugh. People are staring at me. Someone says, now that's embarrassing. For who me? or them? The chairs were the stack able ones you pick up at Costco cheap for outdoor dining. Again I say, what do I have to be embarrassed about? Now seeing as i am in this cast, you would think that people would be jumping up to help. Fuck no! Now, my friends that are with me did attempt. But, the busboy, the waiters, the owners? Nothing. The manager never came over, the waitress never even comped us a drink or offered us any kind of apology. What a sad sad world we live in. And you guys out there? The people that laugh at others misfortunes instead of assisting them? How humiliating that must be for you.

The ideas that spring to my mind? Entitlement. Humiliating those less fortunate. Forcing your way to the top by stepping on others. Sure its an age old story. And we all know the end too.. It all goes to hell. Current financial situation pretty much sums it up. huh?

I was not injured too badly, a few bruises on my arm and leg, but i was fine. I wasn't even humiliated. I did get a righteous headache, a pain in my ass and in operated on ankle later that day. Its not my fault the restaurant was so cheap they bought patio furniture from Kmart/Costco to use at their tables. I was fine. I also got a few good laughs out of it from some sitting close by. I should have shouted if that was such a great show, buy me a fucking beer!!!!!!!

You can bet this is going to be (a little more professionally written then) sent to the local paper as well as to the manager of the restaurant itself. Accidents happen to everyone. I know all to well about that. But ignoring a customer that could potentially sue you for an entire cost of a new ankle fusion surgery? Dumb. Very ignorant, elitist, oblivious, disrespectful and dumb.

But the surf was awesome yesterday. And the food? not bad!

stay tuned for more, falls from the woman who should obviously never leave home!

Sunday, October 5

Thurs Cous Blog OFF - topic Vibration

Please forgive my tardiness for todays "blog off" . It will be up by tomorrow. thanks for holding this space for me.

Saturday, October 4

They did it!

rear.jpg

My mother had to drive my car and park it while they were here visiting. she said, you are going to die in that car. we are getting you a new one.

car.jpg

welcome home my little dolphin! we are safe. happy. and completely overwhelmed. and did i mention safe?

happy weekends!

Thursday, October 2

Cous Blog off Thursday (CBOT) ~ Meltdown


My cousin and I agreed, this weeks topic? Meltdown. (edited this out.. Nothing says meltdown quite like a little person who wants something he knows he cant have and he asks the grown ups say no over and over again.) A Meltdown. The most recent example i can think of starts with my son. Toddlers have a way of working themselves up into a frenzied meltdown than asking for repeatedly for something they can't have. Or being asked to preform some kind of task they don't want to do. It becomes obsessive manipulative behavior at a point. This is when the meltdown starts. Mind churning up info that isn't true so the drama can continue till they get some kind of attention. Now I have to explain a few of the happenings in my current state to set this particular occurrence.

If you visit me here at all, you already have the info on my selective "surgery".I am laid up. Non weight bearing. You can see my new cast! This happened Tuesday, staples off. During my recovery, both my mother and father have been here. Taking care of me and Austin. And as mothers are, she has been diligent about cleaning, doing laundry, etc. I have helped when I could by doing dishes, some sweeping, folding laundry and putting away. Pa-Pa has been basically in-charge of the Austin. To and from school bathing, play some games, etc. We have had a wonderful visit. I know its a total shocker... aside from the few issues that have plagued their marriage historically, we have really enjoyed each others company. That being said, its going to be sad to see them go. And I really mean that.

So we went grocery shopping on the day I got my perty new cast. I suggested we pick up a frozen lasagna, so we wouldn't have to do any cooking. We got a bag-o-salad, pan-o-noodle, and garlic bread. Dinner is heated and served. Yea us! We get home fix dinner. The kid was excited. He was out side playing with one of (his many) "girlfriends" Zoe. It came time for dinner. He came inside as requested. We sat at the table and started dishing out the food. He said, I don't like that(lasagna). (sighs) I proceeded to say, You haven't tried it yet. Its just spaghetti but the noodles are big and flat.

A-man, "I hate spaghetti." now this is a total lie.

Mommy, "You love spaghetti, sucking in the noodles. And No, this isn't spaghetti, its lasagna. I have seen you eat lasagna at your school for hot lunch. We had lunch together that day."

A-man "NO, I didn't. I didn't eat that lasagna. It's NOT spaghetti." very snotty.

Mommy "That's true, its not spaghetti. Why don't you just try it? Here I will put some of the "white cheese" (parmesian) on it."

A-man "I dont LIKE white cheese." another total exageration.

Mommy "Yes you do. You use about a half a container on your spaghetti. Try it! Just take a bite."

A-man "You always want me to try stuff I don't like."

Mommy "You need to try new things. Besides i want you to tell me if it doesn't taste pretty much like spaghetti. And if you don't have any, you can't have any homemade ice cream. Maybe you should try the garlic bread first."

A-man "Dessert? I want dessert."

Mommy "Well, you have to a few bites of your lasagna first. Not all of it, but you have to eat some."

A-man, "No. You wont let me eat lasagna. And then I wont get dessert, because you wont let me."

He crawls under the table and three peoples feet. Crying and shaking.... talking about how I wont let him eat his bites of lasagna so he cant have his dessert.

Mommy "I said, stop crying. Thats not getting you dessert or out of eating anything. Why don't you go to your room and cry then come back in a little while."

A-man "You wont let me eat just let me eat one bite, and then have dessert. You never do." this is a true statement.

I finally get everyone to stop convincing him. I coerce him back to the table. He sits down.

Mommy" Austin. Let me have a bite of your lasagna. (mommy takes a bite) Man you know what austin? That sure tastes like spaghetti to me. What do you think?"

Then he took a bite. "Yes mommy it does." He proceeds to eat half a plate and half a piece of bread. And is rewarded with a sugarless fudgesicle. sheeesh. Its amazing how quickly kids get up from being down when it comes to desert.

We have a lot of stories like that. Meltdowns during meals. I think toddlers need them as a form of expression because they can't communicate what the real issues may be. Picking something they know they can't have, become obsessed it. Repeatedly asking for it. Trying to obtain it till its a meltdown. Parents really should have coaching and or psychological training to deal with this stuff. Its stressful. And can cause adverse reaction.

I won this battle. But not without a few psychological maneuvers. I am learning. Through each episode comes a kernel of wisdom. And one more grey hair!

Thursday, September 25

Cousin Blog-off Thursday ~ TOPIC: Fall (edited)

I apologize for last weeks lack of enthusiasm. Basically the only reason I couldn't write it was because i was incapacitated with that. Truly, for this entire week, I have had waking dreams from the pain killers. Scary, I hate pain, so ingested the relief. Dont forget to check out my cousins blog... The reason I am attempting prose in the first place. Thanks cousin for the inspiration.

EDITED~~~


She looked out the window and thought, fall is upon us all. It brings up the feeling of endings. Hibernation. Weather becomes crisp. The leaves transform to shades of gold and red, the same hues of her favorite fruit of the season, apples. Fall also represents a time of harvest for apples, cranberries, grapes, pumpkins and squashes.

Her mind moved forward, reluctantly saying goodbye to carefree long days. The beach towels folded up and stored in the places created by bringing out moms handmade quilts. Flannel blankets lay on her favorite comfy chair. Set in the ready for early sunsets, reading, or even tossing in the car for Friday night football games. For her these endings also meant new beginnings.

While packing up the few things she wanted to keep as reminders, Shandra came across her valedictorian speech. And also an acceptance letter from the Rhode Island School of Design. In her daydreams she knew what leaving home would be like. Picturing the day she would toss her belongings out her second story window and speed away in her Mustang. Becoming a college student. The time capsule consolidation, brought about a contemplation of her endings. No more Saturday window shopping and cosmetic testing at the mall with Betsy and Ginger. No more sneaking behind the gym to have a quick make out session with Lorenzo. How she would miss the small rituals she had come to cherish in her four years.

She packed up the final few items and placed them on the shelves. Her boudoir was becoming her mom’s new office. Turning from the closet and taking one last look, the realization brought tears to her eyes. Melancholy tears as well as fearful ones. Wiping her face on the sleeve of her new collegiate hoodie, the mirror became her counselor. She had ripened into a fine young woman from her four years in high school. Those days were just preparation for her next stage of transformation. A transformation that started this Fall.

Wednesday, September 24

Four more weeks, then six.


So the doc says to me yesterday... Looking good! Yea and that's what it looked like before he put on a hard cast. I guess its a good sign. Bad news? well its not bad news, just realism. I have 4 more weeks non weight bearing. Then a following 6 weeks in a walking cast.12 weeks of TLC to my new ankle.

To date? I have fallen twice. Once in the bathroom, someone didn't wipe up after thier shower and once right after I left the drs. office yesterday. Literally in the lobby of that medical building. I am an expert faller though. I threw my bad leg out from underneath me and it never touched the ground. Stunt Mel, oh yea. ;-)

My parents came just in the nick of time to help me with the first three weeks. (I admire my parents so much by the way without them, this wouldn't be happening. Literally. They are wonderful generous people, and will be blessed for all they do) But they leave the weekend before I head back to work. And I need people to come in the evenings to help me with the little man for the final three weeks of non weight bearing. And to help me if i fall. Maybe do a load of laundry. I am hiring someone to help me at least one day a week, a professional companion). NO, not that kind.. much to my dismay. I am trying to lining up friends to take one night a week as a designated, feed a friend night. So far a few very awesome friends I have from this place have committed to time to become engaged in this project. I don't need them to provide the food, just help me prepare it and help me with the demanding midget. I promise good healthy food, witty dialogue and a long warm hug as a reward. Maybe a glass of wine (but not for me).

I know all is going to be well. I am keeping my eye on the ball... The results of this procedure are all that matters. And having supporting friends to relieve my stress is one of the most healing things I can think of. Thank you universe for your wisdom and abundance.

Monday, September 22

Almost a Week

toe

there are my cute little toesies. I fell today hitting the left leg twice. I have been having weird waking dreams from the drugs

need more sleep. c u soon.

Saturday, September 20

The shower


Thats an interesting experiment that worked!

sigh of relief, sitting, bag on cast, towel on kids chair... I feel pretty-er.

i am grateful.

Thursday, September 18

dedication

dedication

noun
1. complete and wholehearted fidelity
2. a ceremony in which something (as a building) is dedicated to some goal or purpose
3. a message that makes a pledge [syn: commitment]
4. a short message (as in a book or musical work or on a photograph) dedicating it to someone or something
5. the act of binding yourself (intellectually or emotionally) to a course of action; "his long commitment to public service"; "they felt no loyalty to a losing team" [syn: commitment]

In order for me to remain focused I needed the definition to be in plain view. I tried to go to the thesaurus to find synonyms. Nothing. Can you believe? I found that difficult to believe.

As stated, I am recovering from surgery. I have worries I have concerns. And I have sleepless nights. I am in pain, and I am learning. I chose to do this because I want my son to have a life that includes his mom being an active participant. Which includes hiking, some running, swimming with him, etc. And if this procedure works, I will be the mom I am determined to be.

I am trying to do some soul searching. Reading some heart = art books. Connecting with my spiritual center again, so that is what i am radiating for him. Teaching him to be honest with his dealings.

I am sorry. I have tried to type this four times and still having issues seeing and typing correctly. I fall asleep when I am thinking, and end up typing long lines because my hand is on the keyboard. I am dedicated to this project. I can't type and think right now. This will be finished and i will you soon.

xo

Wednesday, September 17

Thurs write off....

will be late from me today. But keep posted. I find myself a bit groggy after surgery.

thanks for your patience. :*

Friday, September 12

Ankle n Ike

So, final pre-op meeting for ankle fusion surgery with Dr. P was yesterday afternoon. Allograft of tibia bone for the ankle, then four screws. Screws placed in an X formation from leg bone into the foot. Then two screws above and parallel to my ankle above. Sound like fun? Only at the airport in the future. (lol). The good news is NO MORE PAIN (after recovery of course). I will have full rotation but the front to back movement will go from 100% (which i don't really have anyway) to 70%, best case scenario. I will be six weeks no weight bearing (much less than I thought). I can start swimming and biking in six weeks! I feel so much better about finally taking care of my ankle... of course until I found this, GetProlo.com, ligament restructuring website. Who knows about that? I am guessing Dr. Pearson doesn't. Thankfully I will not have to take Vicadin, which is a worthless drug for me. He did step it up to something stronger.. And remember my tongue in cheek joke about Valium? He wrote me out a script (I did NOT ask for them. I swear). I was so tempted to ask for some extras for the visiting caretakers.

Speaking of the parents... Guess where they live? Houston. Yea.. HOUSTON! And who is coming to visit the day before they are scheduled to be here? Ike.



So.. Ike, a massively wide storm, is scheduled to hit Galveston today (yea right like hurricanes have a schedule). I called my parents this morning. People have been evacuating from Galveston for a week. They were thinking about driving to Austin to fly out, I suggested Dallas. But the roads going north and west are so jammed, they are better off waiting it out to see if the power stays and they can fly out on Sunday as planned.

I found this blog on Weather Underground (don't you love that site?). Keeping abreast of my Texas family and friends who live close to the coast. That place is going to be SOOOGY!

Prayers and good vibrations extended. I pray once the eye hits land it dies QUICK. And seeing as Houston used to be a swampland, that the inevitable flooding doesn't last to long.



All that said, aren't hurricanes an amazing phenomenon? Too bad it causes so much havoc on the population.

Oh and on a closing note.. there is ONE thing i forgot to ask the doctor. I am bidding on THESE as a reward of my bravery & an incentive for the spring. (I wont be fully recovered for 3-4 months) Wonder if will still be able to dance? I so want to tap. yea baby.

Thursday, September 11

Cousin Blog-off Thursday ~ TOPIC: Shiny

Okay. As you know, or may not know, My "cousin Arighter" and I decided to start doing a writing exercise. I was allowed to pick the topic this week. And the first thing that came to mind was...

SHINY

Here is my LAME a** attempt. Please leave all critiques or observations. This is a learning exercise. I have no fear of criticism. I welcome the chance to become a better writer by hearing what others see... that being said, at least try to be constructive.

Away we go. (try not to fall asleep).
___________________________________________________________


Waking up was the hardest thing for her to do. Yet there was no need for an alarm clock. The internal clock was set for 6:45 am precisely. And so she rose.

Heading to the bathroom for the morning evacuation, she limped. Unharmed on the whole, but wounded. Feeling her age. Squinting at the morning light reflecting off the slick surfaces, she walks to the sink. Steadying, staring, she questions the reflection in the mirror. Where is that lovely young girl that was so timid, so alive and cocky? The clear blue eyes reflect pain and loneliness. Her wisdom out weighs their oppressive stare. What can wallowing in misery do to remove time and experience? That youthful girl is still inside. It's a much dimmer light, but not completely out. As in the refrigerator, when you open the door, the light illuminates. It just needs to be accessed. Toothbrush, toothpaste, ah.. fuzzies removed. Flashing a glistening white smile. Contemplating her schedule, she moved back to the bedroom to get ready for the day.

On her desk a tarnished track medal hangs from the lamp harp. A living memory floods her mind. The medal was a radiant reminder of her pinnacle in high school. Sadly, it lacked the original luster of the day it was placed around her neck. Closing her eyes, traveling back to when she was agile, a gazelle. The world flashing by as she ran ahead. Faster than the others. The sound of the starting pistol, her ability to get lost in the meditative sounds of her heavy breathing, heart pounding, her deep yearning to achieve, the feel of sweat pouring out of every pore and the award winning finish, all visually present in her mind. A related bonus to this accomplishment, a set of legs that turned every eye off the track as well as on. Pondering these moments she turned to the reflection in the full length mirror. What happened to that "inner core"?

She sighed, powers up the "connection to the world" and lowers her spread into the desk chair. The light flickers and the triad chimes. A screen saver appears. Its a photo she took during a long walk on the beach. Quietly emitting pure gratitude for where she landed. And the repeated motion begins. Up tempo. Armor on. Ready for exposure to what exists outside herself. Here we go again. Fishing for information. What will the bait be today?

Her friend was awake as usual, and working. They shared morning coffee time. As she spoke to him on the computer, feeling the spark had gone out of their conversations. The heat that gave her hope to ran to her laptop upon returning home from her day. Anticipating the words he may have left for her there.

She decided to relay that to him,"I am not as shiny now am I?"

He replied, "What do you mean by that?"

"Never mind. Its a silly metaphor."

"As in you aren't as new?"

"Yea. You are the clever one. I always knew that about you. "

"I have just been busy. You still shine. Believe me."

Her polished teeth produced a grin that flashed a spark in her eye. She laughed. He reminded her to hope. Opening to the idea of a gleaming future no matter her state. The desire to find a pinnacle with her "new self". A radiance even the tarnish of old love couldn't take away. She knew a shine had returned to her eyes. Hoping it would get her through the day. As they finished their coffee, the conversation was put on hold. For now.

Wednesday, September 10

Atom Smasher



My home page is Google. When I opened it this morning, I noticed the logo surrounded by a band that looked like it was in motion. Then I realized it must be representing the atom smasher. I looked for news on this machinery. Still quite baffled about how this is going to change my world, but seems to be quite progressive on the physics front. Tell me. Do you know why we need an atom smasher? Do we really need to solve all of the earths mysteries? I guess scientists want to know.

Maybe great things will be in store for our children from the atoms being smashed. And from knowing how the universe works. Sometimes, not often, I wish I lived far away from technology. Having a simple life, sleeping well, eating plainly, and just living. Until the next episode of "Survivor" comes on. Then I am glad to have the current flowing through my house that provides me with drivel, drama and daydreams.

Smashing Atoms. Thanks Stephen Hawking.

Sunday, September 7

Blogoversary




happy blogoversary to me
happy blogoversary to me...

I can't believe that I have actually been blogging for over 4 years now. Makes me want to go back and see what I have repeated consistently over and over again. What has been a true revelation. And what was just fun. Who knows where this will take me the next four years, but I trust that I will always be thankful that my mind has a place to unload and receive comments from strangers and friends. The world has great people in it. I respect your input and wisdom into the things you show me.

Thanks again for taking your time to observe my lines. MWUAH~

Friday, September 5

a response

i posted this response to ela's blog... wanted to keep a record of it for myself because it rang true for me as well. (deep thoughts by insomniac me)

there is no loss of connection when you choose to connect, because you are still connecting with yourself. if you lose the expectation of what you "think" the connection should be offering, you find what you aren't seeing.

just a suggestion.

Thursday, September 4

My CUZ!!!!


One day I was listening to RadioParadise.com, posting on the forum boards. A man named Larry came on. He made a comment to me. I replied "I have a cousin named Larry. Are you my cousin?" A new friendship was born.

My "cousin" is fresh to the blogosphere, but seeing as he is Arighter, this will be a natural transition and a proper good chance for him to start practicing his skills.

That being explained, we decided to give each other some exercise in metaphor and vocabulary usage. Testing, competing, aligning, defining and hopefully entertaining as we go along. Picking a topic or a challenge and both putting up our "attempts". We have selected Thursdays for our posting.

Round One: Sept. 11th. Tune in for a better title and the First Dual Blog.

:sly wink to da cuz:

Image:
Kissing Cousins
acrylic on canvas
by Ed Klink

Wednesday, September 3

Surgery & Awareness (dont read. its a boring journal entry)



I am going ahead with my ankle surgery. Outpatient surgery. Under the knife two weeks from yesterday. I am a bit nervous. Not much I can do but get through it. Its time to be rid of the pain and past its limitations. Send positive energy. I just hope I can find enough people to help while I recover. I need strength and I am afraid I am out of it all right now. Time to lose some dead weight. Across the board.

I often wonder what is it that I have done along my lifetime to be in the situation I am in. I have made bad choices. I have forgiven myself for some of them. Sometimes I dig a hole just so I can sit in it for a bit and not think and or feel sorry for myself. Take things way down so that I can feel ok at mediocre again. I am not clear on how to make things different in some moments because I have a difficult time thinking clearly. I have a very few people to lean on so it makes it more difficult for the few people that I do count on for conversation. I have these stupid expectations that people will do what they say they are going to do. Be your friend, lover, caretaker, etc. The world burdens us with so much shit. What to have, what to do, how to live... I am so overwhelmed I can't think sometimes. I have no one to lean on. I have a high emotional drain (and reward) in a small man that lives with me. I think its me with the problem. I should be alone, but I cant stand the loneliness of it. And when I find people that I do think care, it turns out they are only using me to fill their own empty lives with something. But, then again, I don't know everyone. Yet.

What I seek I haven't found. I hope that I am not always going to be looking. In the process of discovering it, I will find some things that are satisfactory and uplifting, I will always look and embrace those things. In the meantime I am the butterfly flitting from flower to flower.. branch to branch.. hoping to reach the landing that will embrace me. Giving me a respite from the tedious task of flying ever onward in search of nectar.

Oh sweet flower... where do you lay? Over the hill? Not to far away? Please give me peace.

I have merit. I have worth. I have beauty. I may not have charm, but I can be charming. Mostly? I have me.. but I am broken. Life has broken me... I have broken me and I don't know that I can fix any of it. And, to be honest? I am too fucking tired to try anymore. I want to chunk it all in the river and watch it sink into a peaceful quiet. Just for a change. But I wont. I will fight. Just with less vigor until I feel more "repaired". Seeking wisdom and spiritual strength from within. Finding my light again.

Friday, August 29

Dockin the Rocket

While cruising one of my fav blogs, Death by Children, I came across a blog entry about sex training for space. Nasa Gets it On.. Which lead me to the actual article they were referring to. I have often wondered about what men are doing up there on such long missions. Now that women are along and the length of time out in space is increased, there is a higher level of probability someone is going to dock their rocket.

ayep. Space. The final frontier. mwah ha ha ha.... Maybe I should consider a career in "training". Can you imagine no-gravity sex? Now your talkin! *giggles*

That line of thinking lead me to a loosely related thought. Pigs In Space..




This one is for Happy Hour. Enjoy!



Are we noticing a theme here? Yikes... Get out of the house more. Yea.

Thursday, August 28

Co-worker dreams!


Sheeesh.. Last night I had a dream about a co-worker. Not even someone that I am attracted to. Or wasn't... *giggles*

I had a dream he came over to my house to have sex with me. We got in bed everything was going pretty well. And then? He threw up on me. Everywhere. All over the bed, the floor, on his way out the door... WTF does that mean? All I remember thinking was this is just another mess I have to clean up.

Oh yea. He is happily married. with kids. Stup-it brain. :wink wink:

Wednesday, August 27

Oh... MY... GOSH...

I was on craigslist looking for a couch. I got into the Classified section via a wrong click of my way to fast mouse hand.. and WALLAA! Look what listing i saw...



MOMMY CAMP!

Wow... I am going to investigate this little gem. I think this may be a treat mommy should give herself at sometime in the future!! take my sketchbook, my camera and my soul for a little R&R.

Can I get an amen from the bobbleheads?

Tuesday, August 26

Jackson Browne

This morning I heard Fountain of Sorrow on the radio. Got me to thinking about his song writing. Omg.. What a talent. Be still my heart! I have always had a crush on this man. I love his lyrics maybe even more than his music.

(pasting info from the wikipedia page:)
Clyde Jackson Browne (born October 9, 1948) is an American rock singer-songwriter and musician, whose introspective lyrics made him the poster boy for the Southern California confessional singer-songwriter movement of the late 1960s and early 1970s. In 2004, Browne was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame by fellow American musical artist and good friend, Bruce Springsteen. In the same year, Browne received an honorary Doctorate of Music from Los Angeles' Occidental College for "a remarkable musical career that has successfully combined an intensely personal artistry with a broader vision of social change and justice"

There are so many songs/albums (for us old fogies) of his that fit periods of my life. The Pretender was high school. I still love that song. Running on Empty was my freshman year in college album singing in the dorms with my gal pals. We would sing STAY over and over again. Belting out that final wail with our youthful passion. In 1993, I had to break it off with someone I almost married. I listened and played I Am Alive religiously! The combination of lyric and music on the song Sky Blue and Black proves to me that music is a form of therapy bordering on a religious experience. Hauntingly pure, direct and yet it transcends. (embedded tune at the end of this entry)

Somehow music gets you through things, if you know what I mean. It can bring humans closer together. How many of you knew he wrote this song made famous by the Eagles? There are a lot of images in this video that span his career. And there are pictures of him in his youth.






A picture of him with his wife when he was Inducted into the Songwriters Hall of Fame in 2007. They say he sang Lives in the Balance, written 20 years ago that really can ring out for what is happening now.

And well Doctor My Eyes is an ageless theme of mankind.




There are many fine song writers out there I respect (too many to name here). But there is a special love I have for the simplicity and impact of this mans work. What are your Jackson Browne favorites? Any sightings? I saw him preform only one time in Dallas. I am always thinking I should scoot down to his part of So Cal and see if I cant catch a glimpse of him in real. But I am NOT a stalker. *whistles and puts on her shades*

I leave you with the previously mentioned song that just floors me every time I hear it. Its a Romeo and Juliet kind of a song. These are just some of the lyrics. Sighs... swoons.

Where the touch of the lover ends
And the soul of the friend begins
There's a need to be separate and a need to be one
And a struggle neither wins
Where you gave me the world I was in
And a place I could make a stand
I could never see how you doubted me
When I'd let go of your hand

But I was much younger then
And I must have thought that I would know
If things were going to end

And the heavens were rolling
Like a wheel on a track
And our sky was unfolding
And it'll never fold back
Sky blue and black

And I'd have fought the world for you
If I thought that you wanted me to
Or put aside what was true or untrue
If I'd known that's what you needed
What you needed me to do

But the moment has passed by me now
To have put away my pride
And just come through for you somehow

If you ever need holding
Call my name, I'll be there
If you ever need holding
And no holding back, I'll see you through

You're the color of the sky
Reflected in each store-front window pane
You're the whispering and the sighing
Of my tires in the rain
You're the hidden cost and the thing that's lost
In everything I do
Yeah and I'll never stop looking for you
In the sunlight and the shadows
And the faces on the avenue
That's the way love is
That's the way love is
That's the way love is
Sky blue and black


Sky Blue and Black - Jackson Browne


Thank you Jackson. My life is forever changed by your passion and artistry.

(yes I know he hit darryl hannah. thanks kim. I already knew that and being a "battered woman" I don't condone it. doesn't distract me from his work. just makes him a human.)

Thursday, August 21

Another Gem of Information



aw.. my little indiana jones. happy birthday baby!

Now we all know that I am a single mom. I made that choice. I am settled with that fact. I am not asking much from anyone. I must say, that my parents help me tremedously. But 90% of the finance and duties are carried out by yours truly. Its my choice. I love my baby boy. He needs me. I need him. We are a team. Ok, that being said, I never expected to hear this one. (This week has been full of revealed truths.) Last night I was talking to a friend from Texas (not you Kim-i-poo (smoooches). This person I was talking to is friends with my ex. That is how I met her. She was dating him when I came back to visit him and tell him about my pregnancy. She conveyed a piece of information that really did blow me AWAY!!! She was in a bar and when she saw the sperm donor.

My ex, whose name wasn't on any pregnancy assistance papers I filled out in texas, whose name isn't on the birth certificate, nor does his name appear on any assistance papers that I signed for the 5 months of state assistance I got in California. The last time I even SPOKE to him was on the phone for five mins maybe the week after my son was born. He started crying when I said I had the baby and we were at home. I can only assume he was drunk and feeling sorry for himself, because I haven't heard from him since.

Well, as patterns go, he was using me as an excuse (again) to make someone see that he is just a victim. She said, he was making up some lie about me sending the attorney general after him for a paternity test (of course he was trying to impress some chick sitting next to him at the bar). And to make it more heroic? When he "came down" to do the test, I backed off from "forcing him to take the test". WTF!? (the real facts: I was in California before I even signed any papers that could have "sent" someone to look for him. AND as anyone that has any understanding of reality, the attorney general wouldn't be the one looking for him!) omfffffgosh! My face went all shades of hostile when I heard this. What passed through my mind? After all that happened between us, why would he need to use me as an excuse for anything anymore? Why did he even find it necessary to bring up my name? And if he did, why wouldn't it be to say something decent instead of something slanderous? I felt so violated. So angry and upset! Then I settled reminding myself he always was like that. Always. And he always will be. And it refreshed my thoughts that I am a naive clueless woman sometimes. I also thought, I am very angry at him for not being the man I know he can be. Not fighting for himself and continuing to kill his life with drugs and alcohol. And I finally forgave myself for letting myself get loving someone that dragged me into his hole.

All that said, he really isn't in my thoughts much, except in regards to what if my son wants to know about him. I prefer he never meets him or knows of him. Thats selfish I know, but truthfully? I doubt he lives to see his kids 16th birthday. What is so reassuring about this little tidbit of information? I made the right choice! It also affirmed that I am doing this parenting thing for myself and my son. And thats what the reality is! The rewards are starting to really appear now that he is becoming a little person.

I pray that I can find examples of healthy relationships so he can at least see that is the way to live life. Self disciplined and self assured. Not blaming others for his own shortcomings. And the strength to get up and brush himself off and try again, and again and again. Without fear. With wisdom, empathy, compassion and honor. Thats not all going to come from me, but I believe his path will be decorated with the people that can teach him the things I cant.

School starts Monday, tomorrow is my orientation at the OAS School where he is going. I think we are both ready for the "new school". He knows its coming. He is a smarty! :-)

Tuesday, August 19

Avoiding Capability


So this morning I was sitting at my computer staring at the screen thinking, I don't want to work today! The truth is don't want to work at what I am doing for a living. Now... immediately after that thought was this one. This job is what makes my life possible. Why wouldn't I do the best I can so that my life can be the best it can be? Revelation moment. Why am I avoiding my life? I am creative and intelligent. I am persistent and conscientious. I am capable.

The real issue today? I am in self doubt mode-Again (yawn). Its an evil demon that was refreshed as a result from a misconception someone has about me. Last night & this morning, someone said something that really floored me. A person that has no insight or information that came from me about who I am and chose to perceive and alienate. That of course spawned another question, what am I not noticing about myself that others are seeing and I am not? That opened another door that says, you aren't ever going to be good enough, because you are flawed. As you can see that whole room in my brain is entitled, UnWorthy. What a huge load of crap. My insecurities aren't based on truth anymore than the person who passed judgment on me today. I am not angry at that other person, I am angry at myself for getting drawn into a self doubt mode. And angry at myself for REACTING to it at all. The same lesson over and over again gets really OLD. :sighs:

Being who I am is damn fine. I am human. I am not afraid to put myself out there and live, wrong, right or indifferent. I am fortunate that I am willing to live, as I want to pass that legacy on to a little man that may have some impact on slowly disappearing caring factor in my society. I refuse to be tunneled by the apathy and judgment by others. I care. DEAL with it. :smiling and alleviating doubts:

Friday, August 15

Raiders of the Kids World Park

Someone's birthday is this weekend and I am giving my first ever birthday party for my son. Here is the destination for the day a huge park thats perfect for a party. No need for games or entertainment.



The theme? Indiana Jones. Grandpa sent him the hat. I wanted to get this for him. But didn't find it in time for the party.



the description:
Uncoil your whip and let the quest for fortune and glory begin! Hear Indiana Jones theme music and authentic whip-cracking sounds as you swing your soft, three-foot whip. A convenient switch lets you turn the sounds on or off, and a carry strap attaches to your belt loops to keep the whip coiled at your fingertips. Race against evil with your whip in hand, ready to face any danger as you discover ancient relics and explore exotic locations – even if you only find them in your own backyard.

Don't you want one? oh yea... I know you are eyeing it... who doesn't want to hear "authentic whip-cracking" sounds... :cheesygrin:

I bought little paper treasure chests to fill with marbles, snakes, magnifying glasses and candy. We are going to have an I-Jones cake complete with the rolling ball and figurine. Haven't settled on Pizza or Sandwiches. And just the right amount of people coming! Thankfully I have a friend coming to spend the weekend, so she is going to help me unload. I haven't given a kids party EVER... :fingers crossed:

make notes so i don't forget anything... happy weekends... school starts soon! yikes. pictures to come.

Wednesday, August 13

Computer Basics


OK.... My home computer is FASTER than my work computer. BOTHER!!!! I could have gotten a project done at home today so much faster than I did at work. 2 hours to import a file into a software so that I could manipulate it. And why???? WHY????? Because my "boss" is of the thought that if its working ok it doesn't need to be fixed and will not up grade our Macintosh machines. We are still on G4 machines. Now the carpenter mentality "if its not broken, don't fix it" works for some things, but not technology. Sorry boss. Even the IT guy said to me, whats the DEAL with not uprading your systems!? An engineer who stopped by my office says, how long is it going to take for you to SAVE A FILE!!!! (eyeroll)

I could have ridden home and back finishing the "file" quicker than this process is taking this morning. But...I am NOT ALLOWED to work from home. Why are employers such control freaks? Why do they have to be able see that you are "working"? And whats even funnier about that? I can count ON TWO HANDS how many times I have seen my boss THIS YEAR!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.... And on another completely related bump in this rolling a square rock down a road? He approved and we purchased the software so that I could work faster on these issues. The version we purchased, doesn't run on this OS/Mac machine. Finds nearest wall... hits head against it until no more thought is necessary.

"Deep cleansing breaths. In the moment. Breathing. Being."

Monday, August 11

Single Parent Daze



We all know I am a single parent, blah, blah, blah. Its not that bad really! Like the highlight of our weekend was the circular exit ramp at the library. Plus an entire day the beach Sunday. But it has its difficult times. This morning was one of them.

My son is at daycamp this summer. Loving every minute of it. Seriously, they are on the bus almost everyday going somewhere. Today I woke him up and looked at his "schedule". Today was the waterslide. He was so excited. He looked at me and said, "Mommy, you can follow the bus in your car!".

I sighed and looked at him saying, "Well maybe. But you know I have to work."

He said, "Then when you get off work, you can drive to the waterpark and meet us there."

I said, "I don't know that you will still be there when I can get off work."

Then I walked into his room to get his bathing suit and towel for his backpack. He comes limping into the room. "Mommy, George says I can't ride on the bus with my broken leg and you have to drive me behind the bus to the Waterslide."

My heart broke at that point. I momentarily thought about skipping work and going, but I know I can't because I have a surgery coming up and need all my vacation time to cover that. I said, "Come here baby." I gave him a big long hug and looked at him saying, "I really wish I could go but you know we need the money and I cant."

He said, "Ok mommy."

Those times are the hardest to deal with when you are a single parent. Not having the "time" to really be there when you kids actually want you to. Oh well. He will get there and have a blast! Thats what really matters most. I can at the least provide that for him.

Birthday week!!! Fun times ahead.

Thursday, August 7

Musicals



I don't care what you say, I love a good musical. Whew, there I said it!! I am out of the closet. Sweet freedom! Maybe its because I think life should be like that sometimes. We should be able to just break out in song during whatever we are doing to sing and dance! I couldn't possibly name every musical I have seen or liked, so here is a short list: Hello Dolly, Rocky Horror Picture Show, Godspell, Hair, Jesus Christ Superstar, Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, My Fair Lady, Chicago, Fiddler on the Roof, Guys and Dolls, Little Shop of Horrors, South Pacific, Sound of Music, Camelot, Pippen, Chorus Line, RENT, Cabaret, Oklahoma, Oliver, Mame (one of my favs) and many more. I bet I could sing a song from each one. And now? I am happy to add another. Hairspray! I am devoted to the original movie by John Waters, (even my five year old son adored that film) but this transitioned very well into a musical.

What an outstanding soundtrack written by Marc Haiman and Scott Wittman for the stage. I believe I read somewhere there were a few new songs written for the film. One of them i believe is a pop tune sang by Zac E. (Ladies Choice). Most songs reflect the sound of a soul filled church choir with a pop fifties big band instrumentation (Big Blonde and Beautiful, Welcome to the 60's, You Can't Stop the Beat. Run & Tell That). I found one that was just irritating, (I can hear the bells). But they all fit so well. Man, what a stellar cast! John Travolta makes Edna beautiful!! I love that guy. Christopher Walken, well that just worked. Who doesn't want to be Queen Latifah when they grow up? Zac is a way too candy for my tastes, but that boy can belt out the tunes. I love Elijah Kelley more than I loved Billy Preston in the day.. (giggles). Of course Amanda Bynes is a charmer. The star Nikki Blonsky will never be Ricki Lake, but she uniquely reflects Lake's original Tracy Turnblatt with a touch of class. Michelle Pfieffer is the perfect bitch, but I sure missed seeing Debbie Harry and where was her Sonny B? Amber? who cares. As for Corny Collins, the man pushing for integration and winning, Marsden was right on. The only 2 scenes I wish they would have retained are the jail scene (free Tracy Turnblatt) and the hippie scene with Ric Okasek and Pia Zadora, but I wasn't that disappointed.

There is something uplifting about a good musical. This one is upbeat and hopeful. Come on get your groove on! You can't stop the beat!!! :dances her big white girl butt off:

You Cant Stop The Beat - Nikki Bloonsky, Zac Efron, Amanda - Various Artists - New Line Records

Wednesday, July 30

When you listen


Are you listening objectively or subjectively? And when you speak, is it to tell someone something or hear yourself speak? What is it I am doing? This kept me up for a little while last night, after I soothed my son who had awoken from a nightmare.

I started getting melancholy about someone that I used to talk to online (hi brad). Now online is the worst kind of communication because it doesn't hold all the nuance of real connection. It can come very close, but still. Example... Someone else I have talked to online finally got up the nerve to call me. He said, "You sound completely different than what I expected from speaking to you online." Well DUH! sheesh. I keep having faith people will reach a clearer point of enlightenment as a collective, but its damn frustrating when there is so much technology to hide behind. Oh well.

Rollin with the earth here in so-Cal. And all is well. I am speaking from my true self.

Monday, July 28

Maybe I should quit.



But, its debatable. :giggles:

happy freakin monday people. is it happy hour yet?

Thursday, July 24

The Gift of Life

We are all gifted with our lives. That is my belief. Life is a gift that you have been given and YOU choose what to do with it. Remember that word. CHOOSE.

I have preached this sermon before. This line of thinking came to me while I was still a young girl, but really struck home in my first logic class in college. The teacher was giving us a formula for logical progression, if this is true and this is true then the out come is this. Don't remember what the formula is named. A "privileged" young man in my class was trying to debunk the theory with his example, "attending college". He was being a smart ass, saying, my parents made me come to school. I got upset that he was wasting my time with his drivel. It was time to speak up. I mentioned to him the reality of his lazy words, then said, "The real truth is every thing you do in life requires a choice of some kind. Even conscious breathing. You could have chosen not to listen to your parents. And chosen something else." We continued on this vein of conversation, and the young man NEVER got the point of my words. He wasn't ready to give up on the "victim" role just yet. We all have our little dramas going on in life that allow us to not be connected to ourselves or a part of a whole. Victims, drama queens, super-hero's, over achievers, blamers, florence nightengales, etc.

I decided to write about this today when I came across the blog of a mentor/friend of my mothers. She is a woman I have met quite a few times and counseled with. Her name is Ann McMaster. She is a person that lives her life uncovering her truths and assists others in rediscovering theirs. This is a very note worthy undertaking and I feel honored to have been a part of her teachings and counseling. Her blog entry rekindled in me the ability to make choices we each have. And how important they are.

I met her through a program that I have been involved off and on with called More To Life. This is not just a self help awareness training. Its a way to find peace and a better life. I don't subscribe to any one theory of living. I choose to find the paths that work for me and try to stay on them. My choices lean towards self degradation, as I have very low self esteem. This program awakened me to that shortcoming. Or should I say it helped me discover how seriously deep the "unworthy" complex ran in my own personae. It also gave me the tools to help fight it off when it reared its ugly head every single second of my day. It helped me become less reactionary, more positive and more aware.

I HIGHLY recommend this seminar to anyone that I know friend or foe. I realize not everyone can handle the raw truth of their life. People all deal with things in a different way. But think about this, while making these choices we all have, wouldn't it be gracious if you could connect from the pure point of now as opposed to drawing on experiences the past or worrying about the future? Its a very free feeling knowing that you are comfortable with whatever is happening inside you and trusting the universe to work with you at any given moment. This program helped me be able to look people in the eye with confidence, knowing I was ok. Even more than Ok. I was me. And that being me was pretty great and worthy.

Sighs. As all things in life, ups and downs are a given. Especially with the way the economy is going and the current world affairs. But, learning how to deal with issues in a proactive method that is the ultimate challenge for me. I challenge you to do the same. Discover yourself and what your mind tells you is true and what the REAL truth is. The mind is a tricky piece of meat that you can outwit if you don't listen to what YOU programmed into it.

The gift of life has come to me in the form of a small guy who is smart and has a lot of really cool questions to ask me. I want to be able to have some really cool answers to give him. And smile while we both learn. every, single, minute.

Choose your LIFE! There are still people in this world who care about you even if they don't know who you are. Because who you are is important. We are all connected.

Tuesday, July 22

me soño por lo tanto estoy.


For those of you non spanish speakers, go to babblefish. I should start every morning with an hour at the keyboard documenting my dreams. This stuff is what David Lynch uses for his stories. I promise you.

Sunday night was a dooozie! I can only remember bits and pieces now. One if them being I lived in a very large white house with a windowed porch. As I walked past one of the window panes, the glass was missing and Steve Earle's face was sticking through the pane. He was howling at me like something from a William Faulkner novel. Followed by some pretty wild makin out. I remember showing someone around my house, and opening all kinds of windows letting the light in. And offering a new man to stay in the back bedroom I was renting out.

Then I was at a Victorian Motel that I ran with someone. I was in the room with this writer that was trying to seduce me. He was wearing a red velvet robe, kinda like Hugh Hefneresque. He was giving another woman and I some kind of rose flavored delicacy licquor that tasted awesome. She was laying on a chaise lounge in a floral robe that was slightly open. Her boobs looked like she just had surgery on them because you could see the blue stitches sticking out from beside her nipples. Freaky. She was saying something to me about her husband leaving her and now it didn't matter. I remember filling up my drink glass, and walking down the stairs quickly thinking I didn't want to get involved with those two. Then I was in the car with some friends on our way to a party at the beach. They all had something to drink with them and I decided that I wanted a bottle of wine. Stop at that liquor store I said, we pulled in.

It was some kind of middle eastern place with brass plates and rugs. When we went in, it turned from a liquor store to more of a restaurant/hash house. There were people wandering around everywhere. There was a kitchen where they were preparing food. I could smell it. There was one room I walked in that reminded me of a haunted house I visited as a child. Stark white with some silhouetted stark arrangement in the corner. Sometimes that feeling, when a room is full of nothing, can be intimidating to me.

The following room I walked into there was a woman in white and graying sari, she was in her 80's I would guess. She had long silver scraggly hair. She started to profess to me about life. When she finally looked at me, she had lizard eyes, yellow opalescent with slits in them. I felt so at peace with her, as in I thought she needed me for some reason thats why she was seeking me out. She said, you have suffered for a long time. Its been a long long time for you. I said, Can i help you with something? She said, its not quite over but not much longer. I offered to help her to a seat. And left her with the friends she had there. I wandered back through some rooms with various themes that were part Indian, part Middle eastern. And lots of people, wind chimes and drinks.

After that, we are back at the beach with friends we are waiting for fireworks. Its night time and dark out. The moon is amazingly full. I mean it was HUGE and sitting right on the water. I remember thinking is it going to set completely? I don't want it to go away. Very surreal. The water was rough, but dark and inviting but I didn't get in. Instead we sat and watched the water, then headed home on foot down the boulevard.

Now.... Monday night. I don't remember how it started. Or if this is the exact way it started. The main them of the movie was me downtown somewhere with a friend hanging out. We were near a water park and decide to go there. We were in the swimming pool. There were people in the hot tub. Somebody kept throwing a boat in the hot tub. I was confused about that so I went over there and said to my friend, lets get this boat out into the big pool. She kept saying NO.. I said fine! Anyone else want to go? No response, so I jumped into the boat. Then a young man jumped in with me. He was sitting behind me. It was kind of strange since I didn't know him,I went with it. the boat went up a ramp. Then down a ramp, the up and down these conveyor belts, then drop you like at the water park~ We were having a great time. But he was really quiet. Then the young mans father came up and said, I need to talk to you. We parted ways, I got an uncomfortable feeling. I went back to check on the boy and found him dead. I knew that his father had something to do with it. He was going to try and frame me for the incident. I realized no one had found out what was going on just yet so I hid. I remembered the boy and I had left our cell phones somewhere. Then as everyone was distracted by the body, I snuck back and got both our cell phones and some other recording devices I found that the father planted and was planning to use to set me up. I wrapped them up in a bandanna and took off without any clothes on. Just my bathing suit. At the moment I was coming out of the building the "father" shows up and sees me carrying the bundle... I run out into the streets. And lose him in the city traffic. I end up at a close by eating hole that is full of pirates!~ (I think that came from seeing pictures of Pirate Days Ventura Harbor last weekend.) I sat down, ordered a coffee, and proceeded to check out what I had collected. Then I woke up.

Steve Earle was my bad a*s Faulknerian lover. Sounds like a great song huh? Funny it was like we had always known each other and always comfortable with each other. But the shortest part of the whole dream. Ha! whew! I typed this fast and furiously to get it out of my head while I can remember it. Do you guys dream like this? Or am I the "lucky one"?

Monday, July 14

you know its true.


My son has told me that I am beautiful every day in the last week. So it has to be true doesn't it?

yea. I am beautiful.

me without makeup. :wink:

Wednesday, July 9

Nomad No More


Last night when I was talking to a friend. I looked up and saw something I had been looking for all week long. The laundry room coin purse. I squealed. She said,"Whats your problem?"

"I found something I have been looking for all week long!!! Now I can do some laundry."

Then the conversation continued, but at that peak moment a thought crossed my mind. Its probably not the one you are thinking. What crossed my mind was, I have been in transition mode for most of my life. Moving. Moving. Moving. No wonder I can't find anything, I am always living out of boxes. In limbo. Only keeping out what I need at the moment. Lets examine my nomadic transitions.

My first move happened when I was an infant. I grew up in my big two story house on Hartwegg Ave. in Ft. Thomas KY. I have been told that we moved twice before my move to this house, but I don't consciously remember it. Then, when I was 13, in 1972, we moved to Texas. And that was major league devastating, even though I was unaware of it at the time. From the white cultural mecca of Cincinnati OH, to a tiny town between Houston and Huntsville where there was still unspoken segregation, and LOTS of trucks. Yea. This move was the first of many. I don't think outside of living with my parents I have ever lived in one place for more than two years. Yikes. Can you imagine? Lets fact-ualize this.

This thought process started yesterday afternoon when I was looking up someones address/phone number online. It occurred to me to look up my own. What is online about me? I finally got to the page with my information and there it was. I had six documented addresses in Dallas. But, I would say in the 15 years I lived there, I had 10 different addresses (apartments/warehouse/house). They didn't document where I lived before Dallas, which was Houston. I had 7 different abodes in a 10 year period in humidity roach infested h*ll-town. Before that was college. I lived in the dorm, then university apt (a great tequila story from that time), then to a house with some girlfriends, to another cooler house with some gay friends. Four moves in a three year period. Man, no wonder I feel confused and lost a lot of the time. I am not used to having a place where I can feel settled and focused. Yet.

This started another process of thinking about all the things I have lost or sold over my life. Paintings I have done. Furniture that I should have held onto. Things that have moved on to others lives that I miss, but not much really. The transitions changed me for the better in a lot of ways. I am not so attached to "things". I don't feel the need to have them around me. I am actually more comfortable without them. I prefer to not have a lot cluttering up my living space. I have a kid now and the whole process begins again. Gathering, collecting, storing and having things that you like to have around you.

Now I want to settle. Picturing my future. In my perfect home life scenario? One big comfy bed, one table big enough for eating, reading, drawing and working. Two comfy chairs with foot rests. And a big huge full amenity bathroom with BIG fluffy towels. Big closet with cubbies and storage. Swimming Pool. And a washer/dryer. And a green house. And a cottage big enough for my parents out back. I don't want a lot of furniture. I would like my home to be more like a gallery. With my paintings on all the walls.

So. In light of this, I realize that maybe the nomadic portion of my life is at an end. FINALLY. I am sick of moving. Time to rethink my desires for the future. How can I come up with my perfect home? What steps do I take to make that happen? I feel the need to nest and settle. I have found a spot that makes me feel like an adult. Weird.. REALLY weird feeling for me.

So is there an olympic sport for how to purge and pack for moving? Cuz I am SO on that! Let the games begin! Watch out BEJING!!!

_______________________________________

I am diggin' on IMEEM. So please if this is pissing you off? Let me know. This song fits for todays post.


The Story - Brandi Carlile

Monday, July 7

Gap Fire, War, Stabbing and Whistles.



Maybe some of you are familiar with the Gap Fire. A good friend of mine made the joke, is the Banana Republic next? I just don't know. Around the country people make the joke about earthquakes and California, but the truth is, you are more likely to be threatened by fires. I don't have news at home, except on the internet. We have had power outages every day due to the smoke and ash grounding out our power grid. Thats really minor though considering what COULD happen. Fingers crossed it stays away from the homes close. Evacuees are all over town. My son, the sweet one, says, mommy what is going to happen to the animals? I said, they will be safe. We are fortunate in a lot of ways.

Fourth of July someone lost a child due to a stabbing in the middle of the fireworks show. I moved here two years ago and this is the second stabbing/shooting that is gang related in this town. I know that I am fortunate to live in such a peaceful community. But even then when you hear about these things you realize there is going to become a more heated local battlefield.

I could use this event as a metaphor to pontificate about the useless and meaninglessness of war and its effect on our country. So many people bury their head in the ground about the REAL repercussions of a meaningless war. When humans are put at odds with their beliefs things become unbalanced. Economies, societal behaviors, inter-family connections, ie: distancing. I have a lot of theories and parallels, maybe not factually based, but sociologically based that run around in my head. But basically? War = Waste. Sure, I can hear the responses now, "But what about the (your favorite enemy here) threat!?", "Doesn't it stimulate the economy?" I ask, Are we really threatened? What is our government telling us? Is it the truth? What actually is the truth? Thats what we need to ponder. Not whether or not someone is on our TURF! Damn. I sound like a woman don't I? Awesome.

Now with all that said, and not nearly enough, I am going to leave you with this happy little tune that is relaxing my brain today. TY John Prine.




I been thinking lately about the people I meet
The carwash on the corner and the hole in the street
The way my ankles hurt with shoes on my feet
And I'm wondering if I'm gonna see tomorrow.

Father forgive us for what we must do
You forgive us we'll forgive you
We'll forgive each other till we both turn blue
Then we'll whistle and go fishing in heaven.

I was in the army but I never dug a trench
I used to bust my knuckles on a monkey wrench
Then I'd go to town and drink and give the girls a pinch
But I don't think they ever even noticed me.

Fish and whistle, whistle and fish
Eat everything that they put on your dish
And when we get through we'll make a big wish
That we never have to do this again again

On my very first job I said thank you and please
They made me scrub a parking lot down on my knees
Then I got fired for being scared of bees
And they only give me fifty cents an hour.