There are many ways of breaking a heart. Stories were full of hearts broken by love,
but what really broke a heart was taking away its dream - whatever that dream might be.
Pearl S. Buck

Friday, February 29

Friday Bullets

I have no absolute vision of what to post today. So its bullet points.

I had a wild dream about a coworker in the airport last night and hope she doesn't have a hard time getting back from Belize.

My son is finally ready to "poop" on the potty!!!!! Praise the baby Jesus. Hallelujah. I am working on a plan with my "family counselor" Kristi Miller, of Solutions in Parenting. This lady is of a very modern mindset when it comes to raising kids. One of my money mantras is that I can afford her at least once every two months.

I start Weight Watchers next week!!! Back in the saddle. I am NOT going to give up as easily this time as I did last time. I need support though. Who is willing to jump on the band wagon with me? My meetings are on Thursdays, so I have a feeling update Thursdays will be in order. The ironic thing is that Thursdays at my office they give us free bagels and doughnuts... HA!!!! I love the battle in that. And the absolute opportunity to test my will power. I will have to stay out of the Break Room on Thursdays so not to be tempted. I am a Homer Simpson when it comes to doughnuts.

I am so broke I am beyond broke. Does anyone need a part time assistant? Maid? Designer? Sex Slave? I could use a few bones in the bank account.

I live in a shoebox. Seriously. A studio apartment that is bursting at the seams with TOYS!!!!! (now lets balance that out by saying, it is in Santa Barbara, so I don't find that all too horrible) By the end of the weekend I am on the verge of suicide because I have cleaned a walking path in my apartment five gazillion times in a 48 hour period. Enlisting the little man has its good times and its bad times. I don't believe in a reward system as that is going to cost me. I try to encourage him to work along with me and relish in a job well done. Much more proactive in the long run, but at age four it only works about 60% of the time. Better than 50.

In less than two weeks, I will celebrate another rotation around the planet. Meh. I feel old. I have never felt old before. This year? I feel old. Maybe I should get out and do some childlike stuff for my birthday, like Disneyworld or something. Or maybe Pin the tail on the donkey. or Twister. or... wow. Even my language is starting to sound like porn. I need an adult vacation.

POUT. My camera is going to stay broken for a while (due to having a real life and a son and no disposable income). I never realized how much I appreciated it till it was gone. FFS. I wasn't even being klutzy. Karma on my camera. But I can't figure out why. I have been pondering and pondering the reason. No clue yet. I guess sometimes things just happen. But I have never believed that. So, at some point it will come to me. And I will be relieved.

Its FRIDAY!!!! And I have two mini meatloaf's in the fridge for weekend sammiches. NO cooking this weekend. I so rock.

Ok. I need new music. Give me some suggestions.

Much love to those who pass here. Make sure to take lots of pictures. Namaste brethern of the da-blawg.

Wednesday, February 27

Scientific Facts...

I loved watching Bill Nye, the science guy. I have learned a few tantalizing scientific facts from his show. Until Bill came into my life, I didn't realize that the shadow or the movement of the shadow across the moon always goes from right to left. Did you know that? Isn't he cool? and soooo CUTE?

He did parodies of hit songs and used scientific facts. The "weird al" of science videos. I had an idea that he should have used the song The Isrealites as a parody for electrolytes. But being the "shy" gal that I am, I didn't get this suggestion in time before the show stopped airing.

Wake up in the morning looking for gatorade
because I drank too much last night...

ooooooo The Electrolytesszzzaaaa...

I mean, doesn't that just work? on so many levels? I miss that show. Saturday morning hangovers and Bill Nye. I am a geek.

:whistles: OOOOO The Electrolyteszzaaaaa....

Tuesday, February 26


So I got NODES in my thyroid. Still waiting on the doctor to call back and discuss further. They don't look "threatening" but I am guessing I should be a bit more proactive, as the thyroid is kind of important to balance of the bodies metabolism. She wants me to "watch" them, as in six months I go back for another ultrasound. Anyone got thyroid issues?

I am seriously going to hound on her about my ankle too. I am going to insist she refer me to a specialist. I really need to do something about it. I use it regularly to walk on and its tripping me up. :wink:

(how do you like my porn thyroid nodule shot? :cheesygrin:)

The Gathering

I went out with some friends the other night... Stayed out too late, made some bad decisions about bringing along my son, but I was out. Towards the end of the evening, I felt like an outsider. Partially my own decision, I gave up trying to "make" conversation when no matter what I was saying, it felt like throwing a rock in a pond and seeing NO ripple.

What I realized during that time, when I didn't particularly feel welcomed or accepted in a LOT of ways, I am who I am. And fuck me for letting myself think that I am less of a human being for being quirky or un-like other people. Who I am is great!

In conclusion, making people feel alienated is NEVER cool. EVER. I am sick of thinking I owe the world anything. I don't care if I fit in, because I never will. The only people I owe anything to are myself and my son. (Oh and a few THOUSAND dollars to my parents). It feels good to be back in the saddle.


edit: I think maybe alienating thieves, liars, rapists and ax murderers is ok. but friends? nope. not cool.

Monday, February 25

Oscar Smossker Meyer Weiner

Sounds kosher doesn't it? I didn't even turn on my TV last night to see the fashions. I live two hours north of LA, and had absolutely NO desire to give attention to bad sets, bad performances and bad commercials. What was I doing instead? Pay per view, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest. HA! Can anyone fill me in on something they showed that I should be sorry I missed? Like some porn that won an oscar? Since I seem to be gravitating towards that in my imagery.

I feel like a documentary on the displaced children of our current "warlike" state in the middle east would be a better use of my time. But its not been produced, that I know of.

I wonder when the "oscar" charade will end? :harumph:

Friday, February 22


So, my doctor wants tests done. I am off to the radiology clinic for an ultrasound, a mammogram and an X-ray.

hooooray for the squishing boob machine. *dramatic eyeroll*

happy weekends!

OK I was laughing so hard at this I was crying. I am a complete sucker for this kind of humor.

Wednesday, February 20


OK... i have had it. You want breasts? Check this out.


Sunday, February 17


Picture or Video 046I am visiting Napa Valley. I went to two wineries. Made meatloaf, and have seen 3 adult films which is unusual for me.

Here is one picture of the scenes thankfully i borrowed a camera.

more when I get back to southern california.

drink more wine. :-)

Thursday, February 14

Valentines Day

Yea. So freakin' what!

No one will send me flowers.
No one will buy me cupcakes.
No one will tell me they couldn't live without me.

Its another day to practice the love I already share with the world.

and that ain't to shabby folks. get you sum!

happy happy joy joy i wish i had a boy toy... HA!

okay all you lovers out there. make love not war. peace... OUT.

Wednesday, February 13

meme tags...

Okay you peeps... eliza Do-giggle and Sniper Kat, tagged me for 7 positive things about myself. I know someone else tagged me with the random meme, but hell, you get that random thing from me daily. so, we are going with the positives on this happy hump day... and awaaaayyy we go!

1) I love to laugh. I love to make people laugh. People compliment me on my laugh. Life is Gods joke, and the devil's misery, so live it up! I heard on iconoclasts, Deepok Chopra say, "Laughter is man's way of alleviating misery". That dude is wise.

2) I have an eye for beauty. I don't mean in the sense of beautiful people or what the world may perceive as beauty, I mean the core of it. What makes us "who we are" beauty. The beauty of the world I live in, even in its suffering, there is beauty. Its easy to find if you are looking for it.

3) I am a pretty cool mom. Although I lack some serious discipline skills, I have a son that smiles, has good manners, is well liked, and respects others. sorta.

4) I am not afraid of hard work. I enjoy getting my hands dirty when it calls for it. Getting down in there and messing in the muck. Its good for anyone's self esteem to see accomplishment like that.

5) I have some d*mn cute toes, and intense eyes. I am fortunate that genetics has gifted me with these.

6) I enjoy my friends, and like making new ones. You can never have enough people in your life to share your good fortune, if you have any.

7) I have the gift of a big shoulder. As in, when I am sitting and listening to someone, I can really feel what they are going through and be empathetic. I can hear what they are saying, and respond in a positive manner. Not in a patronizing condescending style, in a "say it like it is" way. I have no fear of truth. Its what people deserve to hear.

And thats more than you needed to know about me. Carry on Comrades.

Tuesday, February 12

The Preacher, and the Bum

Last night I had a dream about my ex, father of my little guy.

This is a very deep and intense read. I wonder why I am always tired. These dreams are like writing literature every night. Thats only a small part of what happened in the dream. The "Readers Digest" version if you will. I don't add all the smells or light or visuals.

Monday, February 11

Thinking again.. uh oh. boring.

So my morning commute is my five mins of alone/meditation time lately. I am thinking about why I don't have a man in my life. Not so much as a means to an end, but just a pondering of circumstance and history. Am I putting them off for a reason?

I think the reality in my current circumstances with men is that I am jealous of them. They can stand up to pee. They don't have to wear shirts or bras (unless they want to). They can, well... speak to the wee brain (hint hint, nudge nudge) standing up. If they flirt or are cavalier with women, its seen as a badge of honor, not being a slut. They can basically eat twice as much as women and not gain weight. (now I know this isn't true for all men, so don't get all twisted over this analogy.)

I know I don't want to be a man. I enjoy being a woman. Women have definite strengths that men don't. We can wield emotions with confidence, produce offspring and feed them from our breasts. (And believe me, boobs are a powerful weapon). We are the ultimate multi-taskers. We don't shy away from speaking directly when it calls for it. We are more intimate creatures. And we are beautiful.

I guess with Valentines Day coming up, I got into thinking. How many years have I dealt with men treating me l wasn't important? I was an accessory to them as opposed to someone they loved. Why I let things happen for so long and didn't stop it. Its lead me to feeling horrible about myself. Not realizing my accomplishments, and my beauty. But that is at least a stepping stone to being more aware of my beauty and my ability to be loved, by the right person.

But right this minute? I want some of the benefits of being a man. And maybe its because I don't have one in my life, well, an adult version, and thats the only reason I am even thinking about it.


And on a very sad sad note, I may have to say goodbye to my camera. I had a very bad fall on Saturday that may have killed my Nikon D-40. Say your prayers... It may be history. Unless the money falls from the sky, I can't afford a new one right now either.

Something happened last month that made me think I was losing my karma. And this was a capper to that prediction.

Thursday, February 7


I had a horrific dream last night about being in prison. I wonder if that has anything to do with this "illness".

Pills, therapy, yea all that stuff works, it helps the conscious mind cope. But what about the subconscious mind?

Just some thoughts I have rumbling around in the balcony this morning.

edit: a positive thought? at least I am getting longer hours of sleep. for that I am grateful.

Tuesday, February 5

Buddha Board & a Published Father

Who knew, I always needed a buddha board. With a stroke of water, and a minute of time you can create a unique piece of art. And then as it dries, it disappears. Waiting for the next stroke of the brush, calling forth your inner peace.

I don't care if you are an artist or not. This little piece of heaven should sit on everyones desk.

its ZEN-TASTIC!!! peace.


and on the opposite side of things, Father Luke has published a small book of his piquant poetry. I am assuming that the battery is not included. :giggles:

Support your grass roots poets, peeps.

Monday, February 4

The Great Interveiwee was Hey Joe!

Well, anyone that reads Citizen of the Month, knows about the interviews. I was the lucky gal who got to interview Hey Joe. Fun blog! The interesting thing about this process is getting to learn about the people whose writing you enjoy. I was interviewed by cookie-bitch.

Here are my questions to Joe.
1. I take it you are a writer. Your blog is very well thought out and literate. When did you realize you liked writing, and how have you fit that into your life?
First of all, thank you for the "well thought out and literate" comment. It's nice to hear that it comes across that way because so often I feel like I slam some of this stuff together and post it when I really should be spending more time revising and thinking about what I want to say. Oh, and working on my grammar and punctuation. My wife is forever sending me notes with corrections! So, anyway thanks for that.

I like to think of myself as a writer, but most of the time I think of myself as someone who's trying to be a writer. Part of my problem is that when I envision a "writer," I always picture that stereotypical someone who writes novels from their beach house, overlooking a stormy sea, a cup of coffee at hand; so far from the reality of it, except perhaps for the coffee. And I don't write anything of any great length either. The idea of writing a novel completely overwhelms me. I can't imagine writing for hundreds of pages about ANYTHING.

I realized that I enjoyed writing and had some sort of calling to it back in high school. I wanted to work for a magazine or something along those lines. That never happened, but after 15 years in insurance I landed a job in corporate communications. So while I technically write for a living, it's not the type of writing that feeds the soul, hence the blog and other projects. But I am thankful to have landed in a position that I actually enjoy. It's very nice to not dread coming to work.

2. Did you ever want to do comedy writing? you have a very dry wit.

I love comedy. Thank you for noticing. To me, stand-up comics are the closest thing to gods, and probably the bravest performers out there. But to answer the question, yes I did and do some comedy writing. I've been writing a somewhat regular humor column for our local small town paper, The Clayton Pioneer, since 2003. Most of what I write is at least an attempt at humor in some way, shape or form. I'm not a very serious person (not always a positive trait).

3. If you could name your biggest influence to your writing style who would that be and why?

That's a tough question. I feel like I'm influenced by so many writers. The author of every book that I've bothered to read more than once; Chuck Kinder, Hunter S. Thompson, Hemingway, Michael Chabon have all written books that I've read multiple times. Dave Barry was a big influence when I first started to try my hand at the humor column. I come across bloggers that are so good at telling stories, a talent that I often feel I lack, that I can't help but admire them and some how be influenced. It's very hard NOT to be influenced when there's so many good writers around.

4. Were you born and raised in California? If not where did you grow up? And what brought you to the west coast?

I was born and raised here in California, yes. A proud San Francisco/ Bay Area native.

5. When you were in high school, what were your dreams of the future? How are they different now?

High school is such a goofy time, but I think had a pretty common vision of my future; career, marriage, family. I think my generation may be one of the last ones to still grow up with that vision, with the idea that you get an education and you get a job and become a productive member of society. Younger generations seem much less interested in playing by those rules. They stay single much longer, travel more, try more things, take more chances. But to answer your question I guess I dreamed that I would be a successful (read rich and famous) writer, but I'm not sure if I knew what success even meant at the time. Ideas and opinions change as we get older. Now my dreams for the future involve getting more sleep, having a little more disposable income, my wife and I having more time for fun, and my children growing up to be happy.

6. How has being a father changed the way you see the world?

This ties in a lot to the last question. Again, I grew up in a different era, having parents that were very much old school in terms of what they expected of me: "education-good job with stable company-productive member of society." My parents never really understood the whole concept of job fulfillment. To them, a job was a means to an end. I always felt that enjoying what you did was the most important thing, even if I never followed my own advice.
As a father, I'm much more interested in helping my kids figure out what they enjoy, what makes them happy. I want them to get an education because you're at a huge disadvantage without it. Even if you never use your degree for your "job," school and education provide more life experience and opportunities that you'd otherwise never have. But I won't push them toward a job or career just because I think it would offer security. I will encourage them to take chances and have experiences and not tie themselves to anything too early in life.

7. Why are you fascinated by celebrities and their lives?

I really have no idea. I guess because I'm intrigued by fame and I find it fascinating that our society seems to care so much about them, myself included.
While I'm certainly not a geeky celebrity stalker type, I do find myself drawn to them somehow. My wife, on the other hand, couldn't care less about so and so. They're just another person so far as she's concerned. I watched a lot of television growing up, much more than she did, so maybe that has something to do with it. They're more a part of my make up. Maybe it's just a jealousy thing.
More interesting is why I'm fascinated with celebrity deaths. I have no answer for this either. I find death intriguing and the idea that people I've grown up knowing, either through movies or television, suddenly are no longer there.

8. What kind of music do you prefer? What was the first album/CD that you purchased?

I have to admit that while I enjoy it, I've never been a rabid fan of any particular music. I guess if I had to choose, I'd probably fall into the "classic rock" category. I like music that I know and can sing along to. I'm just not very interested in discovering new music.

The first ALBUM (yes, I'm old) I purchased was Pink Floyd The Wall. I wasn't really into it though. I found it kind of creepy and weird. Maybe because I hadn't yet reached my pot years. The Wall was a big album when I was in high school and I think I bought it because it was a popular album. I probably listened to it once or twice.

I'm trying to think of what's in my music collection....Joe Jackson, Tom Petty, The Black Crowes, Elvis Costello, Chicago, Green Day, Billy Joel, Jackie Greene, Johnny Cash.

9. What is the one thing you wouldn't want your children to know about you.?

While my kids don't currently read my blog, they do know about it and I'm sure one day they will. As such, I'm not inclined to spill much along those lines. I'm not proud of everything I've done in my life. Maybe one day they'll hear about some of them, but if they do I'd rather they hear it from me and not read about it here.

10. If you had to do it all over again, how much of your life would remain the same, and what would you change?

Much would remain the same. Once you have children it's hard to imagine making the decision to go back and NOT have them. But if I could go back, I'd take more chances. I'd make some better choices so as to take back the hurt that I've caused some people in my life. I'd trust myself more and have more confidence in my abilities. I'd certainly travel more, move and live in a few different places before settling in one. Basically just live more without worrying about my security. I blame my parents for that one. :)

Thank you Joe for taking the time to do this. And one thing I am going to say? they will find out about your blog someday! ;-)

Being a parent rocks, except for that "no sleeping, no disposable income, no privacy (even in the bathroom), being asked a million questions, explaining each answer ad nauseum, washing their clothes, feeding them and disciplining them" stuff.

Friday, February 1

Random MeMe

Rebecca has tagged me for the seven random things about you meme. Sorry. More things about me you didn't want to know coming up.

1.) I had an operation for a deviated septum in my early 30's. I never knew you could wad up so much bandages into such a small hole. I couldn't breathe out of my nose for two days. and when he took it out? i almost puked. i breathe a little better now, but he said, you will always have polyps... great!

2.) When I was a little girl, I had a hard time going to sleep because all the dolls in the room my sister and I shared were lined up against the wall, and I felt like they were staring at me. And that they would come alive at night when everyone was sleeping. I hated dolls. (i have a barbie and ken story, but thats only for the personal diary. ken hated barbie, and he told her so.)

3.) I had a really hard time riding a bike as a kid! whenever I got on it I would fall off and get a scab. I was much better on skates. And was pissed, when I worked at the sonic in high school, that I couldn't be the girl out there serving the customer on skates. But seeing as I was probably the smartest of all the chicks that worked there, I had to do the register.

4.) I love to sing. do it all the time. In the shower, in the car, with my kid, making up little songs... Wish I had gotten some training in school, and doing something more professional with it now.

5.) When I was a little girl in grade school, the teacher had a ruler above the chalk board, it was actually just to lay out numbers from 1-100. I remember looking at it time and time again. I had a hard time in school (ADD remember?). And what sticks out in my mind is that while i was looking at it, certain areas of the numbers were darker than others, like shades of grey. (this wasn't actually on the chart this is what my mind created as I looked at it.) I still have a faint memory of it. I always wondered if that was going to be some kind of foreshadowing over my life. which years would be harder than others. seems to be holding true to this day. I am heading out of the dark area now, and no more dark did i see up to 100. interesting huh?

6.) I think I am afraid of ever having a relationship again. I have been physically beaten by men, verbally abused, and walked all over (some of this is my fault,and I realize that). At this point in time, I don't trust myself, and I don't trust men. I am having a hard time being comfortable enough to move on and trust someone. (Oh I lost my virginity at age 19 to a man I didn't even like. hows that for a kicker!? i only did it with him because I didn't want to get attached to anyone. Just wanted to have sex. it sucked. :wink:)

7.) I didn't cry when my pets died. I am not sure why that is. The times I cried was when the dog got so bad with cataracts that she didn't recognize me, and almost bit my hand. Thats when I realized someday she would be gone. Thats when I cried. I even saw the golden retriever get his neck broke while chasing the car (that dog was dumb.. sweeet, but dumb). And I didn't cry till i saw how hurt my dad was. Maybe I am missing a gene.

sheesh. this is REVEAL week isn't it? Did i leave anything out? Now seems to be the time to ask. If you want to know something, ask me. I am in "revelation" mode.

edit: i am a total dork. I love that song by the georgia satellites, keep your hands to yourself. :giggles:

happy weekends.