There are many ways of breaking a heart. Stories were full of hearts broken by love,
but what really broke a heart was taking away its dream - whatever that dream might be.
Pearl S. Buck

Tuesday, February 26

The Gathering

I went out with some friends the other night... Stayed out too late, made some bad decisions about bringing along my son, but I was out. Towards the end of the evening, I felt like an outsider. Partially my own decision, I gave up trying to "make" conversation when no matter what I was saying, it felt like throwing a rock in a pond and seeing NO ripple.

What I realized during that time, when I didn't particularly feel welcomed or accepted in a LOT of ways, I am who I am. And fuck me for letting myself think that I am less of a human being for being quirky or un-like other people. Who I am is great!

In conclusion, making people feel alienated is NEVER cool. EVER. I am sick of thinking I owe the world anything. I don't care if I fit in, because I never will. The only people I owe anything to are myself and my son. (Oh and a few THOUSAND dollars to my parents). It feels good to be back in the saddle.


edit: I think maybe alienating thieves, liars, rapists and ax murderers is ok. but friends? nope. not cool.


  1. I think you are FAB! Maybe it was just an off night.

  2. *yes* i know how that goes.

    you don't owe the world anything. BUT the world also doesn't owe you anything, either. that is a HARD lesson to learn sometimes. often one we have to continue to learn, or we end up coming off as a victim or martyr, and no one likes that or to be around that.

    you're also right about you only owing to yourself and your son! absolutely!! but, it does suck feeling alienated or that you may alienate your friends. all you can do is keep jumping in! none of us is an island and many people care about you and love you. keep alienating those thieves, liars, rapists and ax murderers, though!

    it is tough not having a regular babysitter. but, yet unfair (or even inappropriate?) to bring a kid to a lot of adult gatherings, too. to the kid and the hosts, sometimes. there will be times as he grows up where you'll be able to do those things without a second thought about it. they grow up fast, right?? too fast sometimes!

    and yes - love yourself. i'm happy to hear you think who you are is GREAT. i bet there is a little boy who thinks so, too.

    hey, sorry about your thyroid issue! i have to say i was seriously hoping i had thyroid issues when i was severely overweight so that i could blame it on something other than the REAL reasons. (see my eyes rolling at myself).

  3. alienating people is awful. I find that people guilty of this have huge issues of their, like they SUCK.

    your cool. your son is even cooler.

    THEIR LOSS as far as I am concerned.


  4. edie: you ain't to shabby yourself. and you never know. probably.

    becca: I don't ask the world for anything, its not in my nature. I am a single mother without child support for that VERY reason. I do NOT feel like a victim at all. My choices are mine, not someone else's. I live that every day. I have let go many people in my life that have acted like victims as well. my son's father being one of them ;)

    Regarding a child at an adult gathering? I was "assured" that bringing him along wouldn't be an issue, but I was wrong. I declined up to that point. I guess I should have just said no. And to that point, shouldn't I trust my friends word that it wouldn't be an issue? There is the rub and another trust issue I just DON"T need. ;-) This child wanted to see some of these people because he knows them. but hey, life goes on and gas keeps going up! :-)

    Thanks for offering up your observations. I really do appreciate opinions from others looking in. Its good to get perspective from another point of view. I am not a victim, nor am I responsible for everything that transpired. (or may be i just suck as a mother)

    we will see about the thyroid. Its probably nothing, and I am just a big pig! :giggles:

    goddess: They don't suck, but the behavior sucked for sure. I am responsible for my own actions, and I can pay that price without complaint.

    love you sweet gal!