Monday, March 31
I am abandoning feelings (for Monday)
First? Coffee... ah... Semi-Human...
Life has been a series of tidal waves lately. My upcoming move, my ankle evaluation, the ongoing toddler battles, my camera, my finances and my tooth broke off on Friday. During these times, I have to come to count on my interactions with my friends to help me forget for a few minutes till I have to suit up and head back into battle.
Saturday night, a "friend" said something to me that completely wrecked me. I started crying. It was a joke, an unintentional jab, but you know what they say about those statements. It started me thinking, is that what he thinks of me? I guess I don't represent myself the right way.
Then Sunday, I saw a friend of mine come online. Someone that is a good friend that always makes time for me and helps me smile. They didn't respond to a hello. I know it wasn't an intentional slam on me, but it really upset me. I am going to have to re-evaluate our situation. Maybe I should back of and establish different boundaries. It hurts me to even think about doing that. Who else is going to protect me but me?
I have decided that feelings are highly overrated. I am happy to have a little man that truly loves his momma and I need to relish that time. Soon I will have my own space again so that I can escape into some artwork instead of relying on people that can't really be there for me, even if they want to. I have to deal with being there for myself. Guard my feelings more carefully. Be more selective about who I bestow them on. If you know me, you know that is not like me, but the other way is starting to tear me down a little.
That said? Camera is in the shop. Tooth is getting fixed today. I am enlisting help in moving as we speak. I am MOVING to a new home that will allow a different style of life that is needed for me and my little family. We are going to get a goldfish. I am turning off cable, but keeping the internet. Time to establish a "relationship" with my son before he gets too much older.