Monday, March 3
Rejection - the whining. (oy vey)
You know? I don't mind rejection. Well, I say that. It hurts. But only if you let it. I watch the world around me and feel like I haven't ever been a part of something others have. I don't know what that is, but it feels like alienation. Not from my own hand. I get out there and lay my soul on the line everyday. I like that. Its who I am. But when you keep getting run over or stepped over or pushed down, you get tired. You become distrustful. And even the most well intentioned person becomes a potential source of agony to my already waning spirit. When did people stop accepting each other for who they really are? And not judge them by a specific set of illusionary "rules" they deem fit to place upon someone else?
Why all of the sudden is there so much rejection in my life? Is it a passing phase? Am I learning something new? What is it that I am seeking actually? The avoidance thing doesn't work but cutting out my online connections is helping. For some reason, I put too much emotion into my friendships on line. I am too emotional after all, but its who I am. That wont change. I would hope that after 46 years (well, actually 47 because my bday is in 10 days) on this planet, I would have learned how to deal with it. Or maybe its a gift that I will never have a heart of stone.
My life is in a phase of turmoil. I find myself wanting to hide and not be with anyone at all. I allow myself to think I am a lost soul. Until I can find some peace within myself, I am merely tethered to the planet. As I was walking back from doing laundry yesterday afternoon, I had the sensation of not being in my body anymore. I inhabit a different place. Maybe its the fact I don't have any time for myself. Is it the fear of being broke? How am I going to deal with the reality of my son and the rising costs of supporting him? I feel that the world is crashing in on me and I have nowhere to turn.
In all this self analysis I find there is really NOTHING to complain about. My life is sweet in comparison to so many. I have lovely son that is healthy and whole. I have a good job in paradise. I get free coffee every day. My car is paid for and running. I have enough clothes to get me through the week without doing laundry. I have full function of all my limbs and a fairly intact mind. And a good source of food at my disposal whenever I feel hungry.
Maybe I need not write any of this out here and just get on with things. I am working on making me a better person. Thats the best I can do. But damn, I sure could use a crane to remove some of the burden for a few days a month. And If I was a gambling gal? I would bet thats going to happen the day before monkeys fly.
Yea. I used to be a purely positive person. But I guess thats my son's job now. :wink: