There are many ways of breaking a heart. Stories were full of hearts broken by love,
but what really broke a heart was taking away its dream - whatever that dream might be.
Pearl S. Buck

Saturday, June 28

The Curve

The Great Curve (2005 Remastered Album Version) - Talking Heads

Well are we all being judged on the curve? I am not sure. I know that if you make a mistake, you are more likely to be remembered for that instead of being seen for what you have done right.

When did our culture become so counter productive? Do you believe the fear of not having is driving us to isolate ourselves further into our electronics and specific fields of observation/recognition/expertise, forgetting that we are here and now with each other? And that the true purpose is in the interacting with each other?

I have recently had the privilege to interact with three unique types of people on a more intimate level. They all three are so completely different. One speaks only through his work. Thats what he wants to be seen for. One speaks only on an intimate level, believe that is the only true interaction, the other allows the world to be as it is and accepts what is offered up as it comes. Of all three? The last one is the only one that I see smiling more.

I feel blessed that I can interact with a lot of different types of people and be present in the knowing of their "worlds". None of us are wrong, or right. We just are.

Who you be now then? :cheesygrin:

by and by she's moving through the tide, so say so, so say so.... :whistles:

Thursday, June 26

Truth #2

Five years ago, I left a (up to that point) 5 year relationship with someone that I loved heart and soul. BUT, he broke my nose, gave me a black eye, permanently disfigured one of my fingers, and denies his son. I woke up one day and realized that I didn't have to be a door mat. When the line in this song says, I looked at my reflection in the window walking past And I saw a stranger I KNOW what this means. I have lived it. I promise you I will post this song with me singing it this weekend. This womans lyrics have always made me feel in touch. Click on the link to the play.

Truth #2 - Patty Griffin

You don't like the sound of the truth
Coming from my mouth
You say that I lack the proof
Well baby that might be so
I might get to the end of my life
Find out everyone was lying
I don't think that I’m afraid anymore
Say that I would rather die trying

Swing me way down south
Sing me something brave from your mouth
And I'll bring you pearls of water on my hips
And the love in my lips
All the love from my lips

This time when he swung the bat
And I found myself laying flat I wondered
What a way to spend a dime
What a way to use the time, ain't it baby?
I looked at my reflection in the window walking past
And I saw a stranger
Just so scared all the time it makes me one more reason
Why the world's dangerous

Swing me way down south
Sing me something brave from your mouth
And I'll bring you pearls of water on my hips
And the love in my lips
All the love from my lips

You don't like the sound of the truth
Coming from my mouth
You say that I lack the proof
Well baby thats just not so
Tell me what's wrong with having a little faith
In what you're feeling in your heart
Why must we be so afraid
And always so far apart

Swing me way down south
Sing me something brave from your mouth
And I'll bring you pearls of water on my hips
And the love in my lips
All the love from my lips

Wednesday, June 25


Someone pointed out this movie to me the other day. Has anyone else seen it?


Tuesday, June 24


Sometimes when you meet someone new and start having conversations there is a connection on a deeper level. But there is always two sides in life (ying/yang). So its longevity is based on the interests of both. You are bound by their limitations, resistances and history. They only open as much as they allow themselves. And life goes on in and around this tornado.

Not sure why the world works in these ways, nor am I unhappy about it. You find people that fit a particular situation, you connect for the brief time its meant to be a connection. Then once its light dies, you walk off in hopes of finding a similar situation. One that lasts a bit longer than the previous one. One that feels like you are at home. One that you know will bring around a smile each time you hear their name. And hopefully they will remain true to being a friend. Remain constant to being available even when you are bitchy and uptight.

I, too, am only human and with my own limitations. I know recently I have let someone down but not without giving it a good try to see if I could “just be friends”. I found myself becoming intolerant of a condition that this person consistently overlooks. And instead of being an adult and saying it in a mature fashion, i reacted. I think it was supposed to happen that way. The only way I could get out without making a big scene.

I hope I find a someone to share my heart. I have found someone that I like, makes me feel comfortable, without any major drama. A different feeling than I have felt with any other man. But in all honesty? I see it as just a stepping stone to the next meeting. Again. And isn’t that what all experiences are in life? I am getting weary of all the traveling, heart wise. My heart is heavy with scars. It is wrongly conditioned to be distrustful. And too naive for its own good even after all its experiences.

Am I in the wrong to keep buying the hope and dream of having a life long friend? Or am I just being tested over and over until i am ready? Or is this some kind of payback from a previous life? I sure hope my friend will always be my friend. But recently someone I thought was a friend left me. Abandoned me. Someone I thought would always be there for me. A deep bleeding gash is there. And will be for some time. I can’t forget him. But I wont cry anymore over it. Unless its late and I come across something we shared and I am tired. And feeling lonely.

Thank you supreme being for feelings. Even though I know that sometimes they cause me the most excruciating pain I have ever known, its also provided the most generous of joys. Nothing is perfect which is just fine by me. Where are you friend? I miss you. Find me. Lets finally smile and sing in the between everything else times.

Monday, June 23

RIP George.

Another legend passes on. Thanks for all the eye opening dialog and gritty humor. You will be missed.

George Carlin, NY, Iraq War - Funny home videos are a click away

Tuesday, June 17


I hate it. I have considered a life of prostitution, but thats just redundant. I work in marketing /advertising. ha.

I have been juggling my finances for two months over a freelance check that didn't come and didn't come and didn't come. I got it? Couldn't cash it. Sent it back. Then it finally got here again and I had to mail it to the bank (which is in Texas). I sent it priority for Monday delivery. Checked this morning? Its not there. I know that the mail I sent to my parents got there Saturday and I mailed from the same place at the same time.

Something about this payment check that is freaking twilight zone. I can't figure it out. AND another payment I requested to be automatically deposited into my account? They sent me a check. Paper work correct on my end, I had the experts help me. Come ON!!!! AND I STILL have more going out than coming in after all that.

I am going to buy an outfit for my son and myself. We are going to become street entertainers. Look for our little "gig" on the streets of Santa Barbara. Don't throw eggs unless they are hard boiled. We will need them later for egg salad.

Help me SUZIE!!!!!

Thursday, June 12

Fathers Day

"Lucky that man whose children make his happiness in life and not his grief, the anguished disappointment of his hopes. "
-- Euripedes

Another Year has gone by without contact. I am not upset about it until this day. I have decided to get out of town for the weekend. We are going to find some peace at my sisters house. I am happy that we aren't going to be at home alone. I know it is what we both need. He is feeling the absence this week, because they are doing fathers day projects at school. He doesn't have a dad. Well, you know what I mean. He doesn't know why there is no dad. And he doesn't ask. He loves our family. But he is feeling an empty space this week. And maybe not just for himself. He has been sad. He has been clinging to me. He has been acting out. He is afraid to be alone places. I am at odds to deal with it when he wont communicate his little hearts despairs to me. I wish a dad would come sooner rather than later.

Fathers. Mine was a salesman and was gone a LOT when I was younger. I don't remember seeing him very much as I grew up. And when I did he was tired. Sometimes drinking. Most of the time laughing and playing music.

I wonder so many times about people that grow up without both parents. I made a choice not just for selfish reasons, but for spiritual reasons. This was my gift. I am very sorry for his father that he couldn't absorb his ability to share in this gift. But I am not responsible for the lack of respect and honor this person shares with the world. He has chosen his path. And so it goes.

My son is sweet and deserves all the love in the world. All life is rift with lessons and love. I hope that I am providing both with grace and laughter. I am father, mother, teacher and friend.

I deserve a raise... Any volunteers? :cheekygrin:

Happy Fathers Day to all the dads, and single parents out there! CHEERS!

Monday, June 9


There are some Mondays I bound out of bed and am excited to get back at it. Knowing that something I am going to do that day is going to be helpful, to someone. Today is NOT that day. I have some files at work that I messed up and have fixed, but I am not feeling confident about the interaction that is going to surround this conversation. Such as it is, I march on to the place where my paycheck comes from.

Friday was graduation at the preschool. That was a treat! Look at all these little faces. Do you think they are destined for greatness? His teacher said to me, this is by far the best class I have ever had. Sometimes I wonder how fate plays in this world. Most times I sit back, observing and giving thanks that I am a soul who can appreciate the beauty and purpose of its compositions. Life is grand.

Sunday is beach day! Meet me there next week, weather permitting (odds of good weather this time of year? 90%). Don't know how many of you are lucky enough to live close to the ocean. Its the whole reason I have been allowed to remain on Santa Barbara. I believe this. All my life I have longed to live near the ocean. Wish come true. I am working for it, believe me. But... the opportunity is here. And I am holding on with all fours. Tenacious. Longing for the next level that is going to take me above existence into purpose This is my "adult" town. I am a lucky DAWG!!!! Yesterday I made a roooookie misake. NO sunscreen on my face. Sheesh!!!!

Rocky Racoon, stepped into his room and didn't find no aloe... (whistles).

happy monday to all.

Friday, June 6

Thursday, June 5


Who would have thought that almost five years ago, when I was about at the end of my rope emotionally and thinking that this face was going to be given up for adoption, that I would be at the point we are now.

Preschool graduation. Kindergarten starts in Aug. Open Alternative School. Parent/Co-op school. I so love the people that are involved at his new school. But right now?? I am totally loving his teacher Ms. June. Isn't this the cutest picture ever? They all looked cute. He was in a class of exceptional children. I hope he continues on with such fun times.

Wednesday, June 4


Nothing really motivates me anymore. I feel like I am underwater a lot lately. And, I don't have any clue which way is up. People get in my face and its like I can't see them or hear them.

I hope this phase passes soon. I am feeling a bit lost. And pushed in the wrong directions.

*desperately goes looking for a road map*

Monday, June 2

Unconditional Love?

Love. Is it really unconditional? So far as I can tell... no, nyet, nada. its not. I really have given up. Done. Kaputz.

I need someone,
a person to talk to,
Someone who'd care, to love
Could it be you? Could it be you?

Situation gets rough, then I start to panic
It's not enough, it's just a habit
Hey kid your sick
Well darling, this is it

You can all just kiss off into the air
Behind my back I can see them stare
They'll hurt me bad but I won't mind
They'll hurt me bad, they do it all the time
Yeah, they do it all the time

I am so tempted to walk away quickly towards a more lucrative pastime. Art. Painting. Writing a novel about Johnny. Maybe I should just go shopping for rechargeable AA batteries for my B.O.F. He can't help carry out the trash. He isn't a very good kisser and can't keep me warm at night. But he never gives me an ultimatum or uses the "authoritarian" approach to get my attention. (Nor does he make me promises and fall short on his word. he can't speak. another plus.)

The burdens of my life and existing are MINE alone. But at least I can do it MY way!!!! (maybe I should move to Europe).

okay this is sarcasm people... I maybe a cold b*tch, but I am not that cold. I am at the end of the patience with this love thing. I am better off without.