There are many ways of breaking a heart. Stories were full of hearts broken by love,
but what really broke a heart was taking away its dream - whatever that dream might be.
Pearl S. Buck

Friday, August 29

Dockin the Rocket

While cruising one of my fav blogs, Death by Children, I came across a blog entry about sex training for space. Nasa Gets it On.. Which lead me to the actual article they were referring to. I have often wondered about what men are doing up there on such long missions. Now that women are along and the length of time out in space is increased, there is a higher level of probability someone is going to dock their rocket.

ayep. Space. The final frontier. mwah ha ha ha.... Maybe I should consider a career in "training". Can you imagine no-gravity sex? Now your talkin! *giggles*

That line of thinking lead me to a loosely related thought. Pigs In Space..

This one is for Happy Hour. Enjoy!

Are we noticing a theme here? Yikes... Get out of the house more. Yea.

Thursday, August 28

Co-worker dreams!

Sheeesh.. Last night I had a dream about a co-worker. Not even someone that I am attracted to. Or wasn't... *giggles*

I had a dream he came over to my house to have sex with me. We got in bed everything was going pretty well. And then? He threw up on me. Everywhere. All over the bed, the floor, on his way out the door... WTF does that mean? All I remember thinking was this is just another mess I have to clean up.

Oh yea. He is happily married. with kids. Stup-it brain. :wink wink:

Wednesday, August 27

Oh... MY... GOSH...

I was on craigslist looking for a couch. I got into the Classified section via a wrong click of my way to fast mouse hand.. and WALLAA! Look what listing i saw...


Wow... I am going to investigate this little gem. I think this may be a treat mommy should give herself at sometime in the future!! take my sketchbook, my camera and my soul for a little R&R.

Can I get an amen from the bobbleheads?

Tuesday, August 26

Jackson Browne

This morning I heard Fountain of Sorrow on the radio. Got me to thinking about his song writing. Omg.. What a talent. Be still my heart! I have always had a crush on this man. I love his lyrics maybe even more than his music.

(pasting info from the wikipedia page:)
Clyde Jackson Browne (born October 9, 1948) is an American rock singer-songwriter and musician, whose introspective lyrics made him the poster boy for the Southern California confessional singer-songwriter movement of the late 1960s and early 1970s. In 2004, Browne was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame by fellow American musical artist and good friend, Bruce Springsteen. In the same year, Browne received an honorary Doctorate of Music from Los Angeles' Occidental College for "a remarkable musical career that has successfully combined an intensely personal artistry with a broader vision of social change and justice"

There are so many songs/albums (for us old fogies) of his that fit periods of my life. The Pretender was high school. I still love that song. Running on Empty was my freshman year in college album singing in the dorms with my gal pals. We would sing STAY over and over again. Belting out that final wail with our youthful passion. In 1993, I had to break it off with someone I almost married. I listened and played I Am Alive religiously! The combination of lyric and music on the song Sky Blue and Black proves to me that music is a form of therapy bordering on a religious experience. Hauntingly pure, direct and yet it transcends. (embedded tune at the end of this entry)

Somehow music gets you through things, if you know what I mean. It can bring humans closer together. How many of you knew he wrote this song made famous by the Eagles? There are a lot of images in this video that span his career. And there are pictures of him in his youth.

A picture of him with his wife when he was Inducted into the Songwriters Hall of Fame in 2007. They say he sang Lives in the Balance, written 20 years ago that really can ring out for what is happening now.

And well Doctor My Eyes is an ageless theme of mankind.

There are many fine song writers out there I respect (too many to name here). But there is a special love I have for the simplicity and impact of this mans work. What are your Jackson Browne favorites? Any sightings? I saw him preform only one time in Dallas. I am always thinking I should scoot down to his part of So Cal and see if I cant catch a glimpse of him in real. But I am NOT a stalker. *whistles and puts on her shades*

I leave you with the previously mentioned song that just floors me every time I hear it. Its a Romeo and Juliet kind of a song. These are just some of the lyrics. Sighs... swoons.

Where the touch of the lover ends
And the soul of the friend begins
There's a need to be separate and a need to be one
And a struggle neither wins
Where you gave me the world I was in
And a place I could make a stand
I could never see how you doubted me
When I'd let go of your hand

But I was much younger then
And I must have thought that I would know
If things were going to end

And the heavens were rolling
Like a wheel on a track
And our sky was unfolding
And it'll never fold back
Sky blue and black

And I'd have fought the world for you
If I thought that you wanted me to
Or put aside what was true or untrue
If I'd known that's what you needed
What you needed me to do

But the moment has passed by me now
To have put away my pride
And just come through for you somehow

If you ever need holding
Call my name, I'll be there
If you ever need holding
And no holding back, I'll see you through

You're the color of the sky
Reflected in each store-front window pane
You're the whispering and the sighing
Of my tires in the rain
You're the hidden cost and the thing that's lost
In everything I do
Yeah and I'll never stop looking for you
In the sunlight and the shadows
And the faces on the avenue
That's the way love is
That's the way love is
That's the way love is
Sky blue and black

Sky Blue and Black - Jackson Browne

Thank you Jackson. My life is forever changed by your passion and artistry.

(yes I know he hit darryl hannah. thanks kim. I already knew that and being a "battered woman" I don't condone it. doesn't distract me from his work. just makes him a human.)

Thursday, August 21

Another Gem of Information

aw.. my little indiana jones. happy birthday baby!

Now we all know that I am a single mom. I made that choice. I am settled with that fact. I am not asking much from anyone. I must say, that my parents help me tremedously. But 90% of the finance and duties are carried out by yours truly. Its my choice. I love my baby boy. He needs me. I need him. We are a team. Ok, that being said, I never expected to hear this one. (This week has been full of revealed truths.) Last night I was talking to a friend from Texas (not you Kim-i-poo (smoooches). This person I was talking to is friends with my ex. That is how I met her. She was dating him when I came back to visit him and tell him about my pregnancy. She conveyed a piece of information that really did blow me AWAY!!! She was in a bar and when she saw the sperm donor.

My ex, whose name wasn't on any pregnancy assistance papers I filled out in texas, whose name isn't on the birth certificate, nor does his name appear on any assistance papers that I signed for the 5 months of state assistance I got in California. The last time I even SPOKE to him was on the phone for five mins maybe the week after my son was born. He started crying when I said I had the baby and we were at home. I can only assume he was drunk and feeling sorry for himself, because I haven't heard from him since.

Well, as patterns go, he was using me as an excuse (again) to make someone see that he is just a victim. She said, he was making up some lie about me sending the attorney general after him for a paternity test (of course he was trying to impress some chick sitting next to him at the bar). And to make it more heroic? When he "came down" to do the test, I backed off from "forcing him to take the test". WTF!? (the real facts: I was in California before I even signed any papers that could have "sent" someone to look for him. AND as anyone that has any understanding of reality, the attorney general wouldn't be the one looking for him!) omfffffgosh! My face went all shades of hostile when I heard this. What passed through my mind? After all that happened between us, why would he need to use me as an excuse for anything anymore? Why did he even find it necessary to bring up my name? And if he did, why wouldn't it be to say something decent instead of something slanderous? I felt so violated. So angry and upset! Then I settled reminding myself he always was like that. Always. And he always will be. And it refreshed my thoughts that I am a naive clueless woman sometimes. I also thought, I am very angry at him for not being the man I know he can be. Not fighting for himself and continuing to kill his life with drugs and alcohol. And I finally forgave myself for letting myself get loving someone that dragged me into his hole.

All that said, he really isn't in my thoughts much, except in regards to what if my son wants to know about him. I prefer he never meets him or knows of him. Thats selfish I know, but truthfully? I doubt he lives to see his kids 16th birthday. What is so reassuring about this little tidbit of information? I made the right choice! It also affirmed that I am doing this parenting thing for myself and my son. And thats what the reality is! The rewards are starting to really appear now that he is becoming a little person.

I pray that I can find examples of healthy relationships so he can at least see that is the way to live life. Self disciplined and self assured. Not blaming others for his own shortcomings. And the strength to get up and brush himself off and try again, and again and again. Without fear. With wisdom, empathy, compassion and honor. Thats not all going to come from me, but I believe his path will be decorated with the people that can teach him the things I cant.

School starts Monday, tomorrow is my orientation at the OAS School where he is going. I think we are both ready for the "new school". He knows its coming. He is a smarty! :-)

Tuesday, August 19

Avoiding Capability

So this morning I was sitting at my computer staring at the screen thinking, I don't want to work today! The truth is don't want to work at what I am doing for a living. Now... immediately after that thought was this one. This job is what makes my life possible. Why wouldn't I do the best I can so that my life can be the best it can be? Revelation moment. Why am I avoiding my life? I am creative and intelligent. I am persistent and conscientious. I am capable.

The real issue today? I am in self doubt mode-Again (yawn). Its an evil demon that was refreshed as a result from a misconception someone has about me. Last night & this morning, someone said something that really floored me. A person that has no insight or information that came from me about who I am and chose to perceive and alienate. That of course spawned another question, what am I not noticing about myself that others are seeing and I am not? That opened another door that says, you aren't ever going to be good enough, because you are flawed. As you can see that whole room in my brain is entitled, UnWorthy. What a huge load of crap. My insecurities aren't based on truth anymore than the person who passed judgment on me today. I am not angry at that other person, I am angry at myself for getting drawn into a self doubt mode. And angry at myself for REACTING to it at all. The same lesson over and over again gets really OLD. :sighs:

Being who I am is damn fine. I am human. I am not afraid to put myself out there and live, wrong, right or indifferent. I am fortunate that I am willing to live, as I want to pass that legacy on to a little man that may have some impact on slowly disappearing caring factor in my society. I refuse to be tunneled by the apathy and judgment by others. I care. DEAL with it. :smiling and alleviating doubts:

Friday, August 15

Raiders of the Kids World Park

Someone's birthday is this weekend and I am giving my first ever birthday party for my son. Here is the destination for the day a huge park thats perfect for a party. No need for games or entertainment.

The theme? Indiana Jones. Grandpa sent him the hat. I wanted to get this for him. But didn't find it in time for the party.

the description:
Uncoil your whip and let the quest for fortune and glory begin! Hear Indiana Jones theme music and authentic whip-cracking sounds as you swing your soft, three-foot whip. A convenient switch lets you turn the sounds on or off, and a carry strap attaches to your belt loops to keep the whip coiled at your fingertips. Race against evil with your whip in hand, ready to face any danger as you discover ancient relics and explore exotic locations – even if you only find them in your own backyard.

Don't you want one? oh yea... I know you are eyeing it... who doesn't want to hear "authentic whip-cracking" sounds... :cheesygrin:

I bought little paper treasure chests to fill with marbles, snakes, magnifying glasses and candy. We are going to have an I-Jones cake complete with the rolling ball and figurine. Haven't settled on Pizza or Sandwiches. And just the right amount of people coming! Thankfully I have a friend coming to spend the weekend, so she is going to help me unload. I haven't given a kids party EVER... :fingers crossed:

make notes so i don't forget anything... happy weekends... school starts soon! yikes. pictures to come.

Wednesday, August 13

Computer Basics

OK.... My home computer is FASTER than my work computer. BOTHER!!!! I could have gotten a project done at home today so much faster than I did at work. 2 hours to import a file into a software so that I could manipulate it. And why???? WHY????? Because my "boss" is of the thought that if its working ok it doesn't need to be fixed and will not up grade our Macintosh machines. We are still on G4 machines. Now the carpenter mentality "if its not broken, don't fix it" works for some things, but not technology. Sorry boss. Even the IT guy said to me, whats the DEAL with not uprading your systems!? An engineer who stopped by my office says, how long is it going to take for you to SAVE A FILE!!!! (eyeroll)

I could have ridden home and back finishing the "file" quicker than this process is taking this morning. But...I am NOT ALLOWED to work from home. Why are employers such control freaks? Why do they have to be able see that you are "working"? And whats even funnier about that? I can count ON TWO HANDS how many times I have seen my boss THIS YEAR!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.... And on another completely related bump in this rolling a square rock down a road? He approved and we purchased the software so that I could work faster on these issues. The version we purchased, doesn't run on this OS/Mac machine. Finds nearest wall... hits head against it until no more thought is necessary.

"Deep cleansing breaths. In the moment. Breathing. Being."

Monday, August 11

Single Parent Daze

We all know I am a single parent, blah, blah, blah. Its not that bad really! Like the highlight of our weekend was the circular exit ramp at the library. Plus an entire day the beach Sunday. But it has its difficult times. This morning was one of them.

My son is at daycamp this summer. Loving every minute of it. Seriously, they are on the bus almost everyday going somewhere. Today I woke him up and looked at his "schedule". Today was the waterslide. He was so excited. He looked at me and said, "Mommy, you can follow the bus in your car!".

I sighed and looked at him saying, "Well maybe. But you know I have to work."

He said, "Then when you get off work, you can drive to the waterpark and meet us there."

I said, "I don't know that you will still be there when I can get off work."

Then I walked into his room to get his bathing suit and towel for his backpack. He comes limping into the room. "Mommy, George says I can't ride on the bus with my broken leg and you have to drive me behind the bus to the Waterslide."

My heart broke at that point. I momentarily thought about skipping work and going, but I know I can't because I have a surgery coming up and need all my vacation time to cover that. I said, "Come here baby." I gave him a big long hug and looked at him saying, "I really wish I could go but you know we need the money and I cant."

He said, "Ok mommy."

Those times are the hardest to deal with when you are a single parent. Not having the "time" to really be there when you kids actually want you to. Oh well. He will get there and have a blast! Thats what really matters most. I can at the least provide that for him.

Birthday week!!! Fun times ahead.

Thursday, August 7


I don't care what you say, I love a good musical. Whew, there I said it!! I am out of the closet. Sweet freedom! Maybe its because I think life should be like that sometimes. We should be able to just break out in song during whatever we are doing to sing and dance! I couldn't possibly name every musical I have seen or liked, so here is a short list: Hello Dolly, Rocky Horror Picture Show, Godspell, Hair, Jesus Christ Superstar, Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, My Fair Lady, Chicago, Fiddler on the Roof, Guys and Dolls, Little Shop of Horrors, South Pacific, Sound of Music, Camelot, Pippen, Chorus Line, RENT, Cabaret, Oklahoma, Oliver, Mame (one of my favs) and many more. I bet I could sing a song from each one. And now? I am happy to add another. Hairspray! I am devoted to the original movie by John Waters, (even my five year old son adored that film) but this transitioned very well into a musical.

What an outstanding soundtrack written by Marc Haiman and Scott Wittman for the stage. I believe I read somewhere there were a few new songs written for the film. One of them i believe is a pop tune sang by Zac E. (Ladies Choice). Most songs reflect the sound of a soul filled church choir with a pop fifties big band instrumentation (Big Blonde and Beautiful, Welcome to the 60's, You Can't Stop the Beat. Run & Tell That). I found one that was just irritating, (I can hear the bells). But they all fit so well. Man, what a stellar cast! John Travolta makes Edna beautiful!! I love that guy. Christopher Walken, well that just worked. Who doesn't want to be Queen Latifah when they grow up? Zac is a way too candy for my tastes, but that boy can belt out the tunes. I love Elijah Kelley more than I loved Billy Preston in the day.. (giggles). Of course Amanda Bynes is a charmer. The star Nikki Blonsky will never be Ricki Lake, but she uniquely reflects Lake's original Tracy Turnblatt with a touch of class. Michelle Pfieffer is the perfect bitch, but I sure missed seeing Debbie Harry and where was her Sonny B? Amber? who cares. As for Corny Collins, the man pushing for integration and winning, Marsden was right on. The only 2 scenes I wish they would have retained are the jail scene (free Tracy Turnblatt) and the hippie scene with Ric Okasek and Pia Zadora, but I wasn't that disappointed.

There is something uplifting about a good musical. This one is upbeat and hopeful. Come on get your groove on! You can't stop the beat!!! :dances her big white girl butt off:

You Cant Stop The Beat - Nikki Bloonsky, Zac Efron, Amanda - Various Artists - New Line Records