There are many ways of breaking a heart. Stories were full of hearts broken by love,
but what really broke a heart was taking away its dream - whatever that dream might be.
Pearl S. Buck

Thursday, August 21

Another Gem of Information

aw.. my little indiana jones. happy birthday baby!

Now we all know that I am a single mom. I made that choice. I am settled with that fact. I am not asking much from anyone. I must say, that my parents help me tremedously. But 90% of the finance and duties are carried out by yours truly. Its my choice. I love my baby boy. He needs me. I need him. We are a team. Ok, that being said, I never expected to hear this one. (This week has been full of revealed truths.) Last night I was talking to a friend from Texas (not you Kim-i-poo (smoooches). This person I was talking to is friends with my ex. That is how I met her. She was dating him when I came back to visit him and tell him about my pregnancy. She conveyed a piece of information that really did blow me AWAY!!! She was in a bar and when she saw the sperm donor.

My ex, whose name wasn't on any pregnancy assistance papers I filled out in texas, whose name isn't on the birth certificate, nor does his name appear on any assistance papers that I signed for the 5 months of state assistance I got in California. The last time I even SPOKE to him was on the phone for five mins maybe the week after my son was born. He started crying when I said I had the baby and we were at home. I can only assume he was drunk and feeling sorry for himself, because I haven't heard from him since.

Well, as patterns go, he was using me as an excuse (again) to make someone see that he is just a victim. She said, he was making up some lie about me sending the attorney general after him for a paternity test (of course he was trying to impress some chick sitting next to him at the bar). And to make it more heroic? When he "came down" to do the test, I backed off from "forcing him to take the test". WTF!? (the real facts: I was in California before I even signed any papers that could have "sent" someone to look for him. AND as anyone that has any understanding of reality, the attorney general wouldn't be the one looking for him!) omfffffgosh! My face went all shades of hostile when I heard this. What passed through my mind? After all that happened between us, why would he need to use me as an excuse for anything anymore? Why did he even find it necessary to bring up my name? And if he did, why wouldn't it be to say something decent instead of something slanderous? I felt so violated. So angry and upset! Then I settled reminding myself he always was like that. Always. And he always will be. And it refreshed my thoughts that I am a naive clueless woman sometimes. I also thought, I am very angry at him for not being the man I know he can be. Not fighting for himself and continuing to kill his life with drugs and alcohol. And I finally forgave myself for letting myself get loving someone that dragged me into his hole.

All that said, he really isn't in my thoughts much, except in regards to what if my son wants to know about him. I prefer he never meets him or knows of him. Thats selfish I know, but truthfully? I doubt he lives to see his kids 16th birthday. What is so reassuring about this little tidbit of information? I made the right choice! It also affirmed that I am doing this parenting thing for myself and my son. And thats what the reality is! The rewards are starting to really appear now that he is becoming a little person.

I pray that I can find examples of healthy relationships so he can at least see that is the way to live life. Self disciplined and self assured. Not blaming others for his own shortcomings. And the strength to get up and brush himself off and try again, and again and again. Without fear. With wisdom, empathy, compassion and honor. Thats not all going to come from me, but I believe his path will be decorated with the people that can teach him the things I cant.

School starts Monday, tomorrow is my orientation at the OAS School where he is going. I think we are both ready for the "new school". He knows its coming. He is a smarty! :-)


  1. School! Omigosh! Time is flying!

    As for the so-called father: some people need fictions to make sense of the senselessness of their lives. Pity him.

  2. Thanks C.

    School started today! he was a bit nervous but mostly excited. There is a man that runs the "after school care" and I htink that austin is pretty excited about being in his class.