There are many ways of breaking a heart. Stories were full of hearts broken by love,
but what really broke a heart was taking away its dream - whatever that dream might be.
Pearl S. Buck

Thursday, September 25

Cousin Blog-off Thursday ~ TOPIC: Fall (edited)

I apologize for last weeks lack of enthusiasm. Basically the only reason I couldn't write it was because i was incapacitated with that. Truly, for this entire week, I have had waking dreams from the pain killers. Scary, I hate pain, so ingested the relief. Dont forget to check out my cousins blog... The reason I am attempting prose in the first place. Thanks cousin for the inspiration.


She looked out the window and thought, fall is upon us all. It brings up the feeling of endings. Hibernation. Weather becomes crisp. The leaves transform to shades of gold and red, the same hues of her favorite fruit of the season, apples. Fall also represents a time of harvest for apples, cranberries, grapes, pumpkins and squashes.

Her mind moved forward, reluctantly saying goodbye to carefree long days. The beach towels folded up and stored in the places created by bringing out moms handmade quilts. Flannel blankets lay on her favorite comfy chair. Set in the ready for early sunsets, reading, or even tossing in the car for Friday night football games. For her these endings also meant new beginnings.

While packing up the few things she wanted to keep as reminders, Shandra came across her valedictorian speech. And also an acceptance letter from the Rhode Island School of Design. In her daydreams she knew what leaving home would be like. Picturing the day she would toss her belongings out her second story window and speed away in her Mustang. Becoming a college student. The time capsule consolidation, brought about a contemplation of her endings. No more Saturday window shopping and cosmetic testing at the mall with Betsy and Ginger. No more sneaking behind the gym to have a quick make out session with Lorenzo. How she would miss the small rituals she had come to cherish in her four years.

She packed up the final few items and placed them on the shelves. Her boudoir was becoming her mom’s new office. Turning from the closet and taking one last look, the realization brought tears to her eyes. Melancholy tears as well as fearful ones. Wiping her face on the sleeve of her new collegiate hoodie, the mirror became her counselor. She had ripened into a fine young woman from her four years in high school. Those days were just preparation for her next stage of transformation. A transformation that started this Fall.

Wednesday, September 24

Four more weeks, then six.

So the doc says to me yesterday... Looking good! Yea and that's what it looked like before he put on a hard cast. I guess its a good sign. Bad news? well its not bad news, just realism. I have 4 more weeks non weight bearing. Then a following 6 weeks in a walking cast.12 weeks of TLC to my new ankle.

To date? I have fallen twice. Once in the bathroom, someone didn't wipe up after thier shower and once right after I left the drs. office yesterday. Literally in the lobby of that medical building. I am an expert faller though. I threw my bad leg out from underneath me and it never touched the ground. Stunt Mel, oh yea. ;-)

My parents came just in the nick of time to help me with the first three weeks. (I admire my parents so much by the way without them, this wouldn't be happening. Literally. They are wonderful generous people, and will be blessed for all they do) But they leave the weekend before I head back to work. And I need people to come in the evenings to help me with the little man for the final three weeks of non weight bearing. And to help me if i fall. Maybe do a load of laundry. I am hiring someone to help me at least one day a week, a professional companion). NO, not that kind.. much to my dismay. I am trying to lining up friends to take one night a week as a designated, feed a friend night. So far a few very awesome friends I have from this place have committed to time to become engaged in this project. I don't need them to provide the food, just help me prepare it and help me with the demanding midget. I promise good healthy food, witty dialogue and a long warm hug as a reward. Maybe a glass of wine (but not for me).

I know all is going to be well. I am keeping my eye on the ball... The results of this procedure are all that matters. And having supporting friends to relieve my stress is one of the most healing things I can think of. Thank you universe for your wisdom and abundance.

Monday, September 22

Almost a Week


there are my cute little toesies. I fell today hitting the left leg twice. I have been having weird waking dreams from the drugs

need more sleep. c u soon.

Saturday, September 20

The shower

Thats an interesting experiment that worked!

sigh of relief, sitting, bag on cast, towel on kids chair... I feel pretty-er.

i am grateful.

Thursday, September 18



1. complete and wholehearted fidelity
2. a ceremony in which something (as a building) is dedicated to some goal or purpose
3. a message that makes a pledge [syn: commitment]
4. a short message (as in a book or musical work or on a photograph) dedicating it to someone or something
5. the act of binding yourself (intellectually or emotionally) to a course of action; "his long commitment to public service"; "they felt no loyalty to a losing team" [syn: commitment]

In order for me to remain focused I needed the definition to be in plain view. I tried to go to the thesaurus to find synonyms. Nothing. Can you believe? I found that difficult to believe.

As stated, I am recovering from surgery. I have worries I have concerns. And I have sleepless nights. I am in pain, and I am learning. I chose to do this because I want my son to have a life that includes his mom being an active participant. Which includes hiking, some running, swimming with him, etc. And if this procedure works, I will be the mom I am determined to be.

I am trying to do some soul searching. Reading some heart = art books. Connecting with my spiritual center again, so that is what i am radiating for him. Teaching him to be honest with his dealings.

I am sorry. I have tried to type this four times and still having issues seeing and typing correctly. I fall asleep when I am thinking, and end up typing long lines because my hand is on the keyboard. I am dedicated to this project. I can't type and think right now. This will be finished and i will you soon.


Wednesday, September 17

Thurs write off....

will be late from me today. But keep posted. I find myself a bit groggy after surgery.

thanks for your patience. :*

Friday, September 12

Ankle n Ike

So, final pre-op meeting for ankle fusion surgery with Dr. P was yesterday afternoon. Allograft of tibia bone for the ankle, then four screws. Screws placed in an X formation from leg bone into the foot. Then two screws above and parallel to my ankle above. Sound like fun? Only at the airport in the future. (lol). The good news is NO MORE PAIN (after recovery of course). I will have full rotation but the front to back movement will go from 100% (which i don't really have anyway) to 70%, best case scenario. I will be six weeks no weight bearing (much less than I thought). I can start swimming and biking in six weeks! I feel so much better about finally taking care of my ankle... of course until I found this,, ligament restructuring website. Who knows about that? I am guessing Dr. Pearson doesn't. Thankfully I will not have to take Vicadin, which is a worthless drug for me. He did step it up to something stronger.. And remember my tongue in cheek joke about Valium? He wrote me out a script (I did NOT ask for them. I swear). I was so tempted to ask for some extras for the visiting caretakers.

Speaking of the parents... Guess where they live? Houston. Yea.. HOUSTON! And who is coming to visit the day before they are scheduled to be here? Ike.

So.. Ike, a massively wide storm, is scheduled to hit Galveston today (yea right like hurricanes have a schedule). I called my parents this morning. People have been evacuating from Galveston for a week. They were thinking about driving to Austin to fly out, I suggested Dallas. But the roads going north and west are so jammed, they are better off waiting it out to see if the power stays and they can fly out on Sunday as planned.

I found this blog on Weather Underground (don't you love that site?). Keeping abreast of my Texas family and friends who live close to the coast. That place is going to be SOOOGY!

Prayers and good vibrations extended. I pray once the eye hits land it dies QUICK. And seeing as Houston used to be a swampland, that the inevitable flooding doesn't last to long.

All that said, aren't hurricanes an amazing phenomenon? Too bad it causes so much havoc on the population.

Oh and on a closing note.. there is ONE thing i forgot to ask the doctor. I am bidding on THESE as a reward of my bravery & an incentive for the spring. (I wont be fully recovered for 3-4 months) Wonder if will still be able to dance? I so want to tap. yea baby.

Thursday, September 11

Cousin Blog-off Thursday ~ TOPIC: Shiny

Okay. As you know, or may not know, My "cousin Arighter" and I decided to start doing a writing exercise. I was allowed to pick the topic this week. And the first thing that came to mind was...


Here is my LAME a** attempt. Please leave all critiques or observations. This is a learning exercise. I have no fear of criticism. I welcome the chance to become a better writer by hearing what others see... that being said, at least try to be constructive.

Away we go. (try not to fall asleep).

Waking up was the hardest thing for her to do. Yet there was no need for an alarm clock. The internal clock was set for 6:45 am precisely. And so she rose.

Heading to the bathroom for the morning evacuation, she limped. Unharmed on the whole, but wounded. Feeling her age. Squinting at the morning light reflecting off the slick surfaces, she walks to the sink. Steadying, staring, she questions the reflection in the mirror. Where is that lovely young girl that was so timid, so alive and cocky? The clear blue eyes reflect pain and loneliness. Her wisdom out weighs their oppressive stare. What can wallowing in misery do to remove time and experience? That youthful girl is still inside. It's a much dimmer light, but not completely out. As in the refrigerator, when you open the door, the light illuminates. It just needs to be accessed. Toothbrush, toothpaste, ah.. fuzzies removed. Flashing a glistening white smile. Contemplating her schedule, she moved back to the bedroom to get ready for the day.

On her desk a tarnished track medal hangs from the lamp harp. A living memory floods her mind. The medal was a radiant reminder of her pinnacle in high school. Sadly, it lacked the original luster of the day it was placed around her neck. Closing her eyes, traveling back to when she was agile, a gazelle. The world flashing by as she ran ahead. Faster than the others. The sound of the starting pistol, her ability to get lost in the meditative sounds of her heavy breathing, heart pounding, her deep yearning to achieve, the feel of sweat pouring out of every pore and the award winning finish, all visually present in her mind. A related bonus to this accomplishment, a set of legs that turned every eye off the track as well as on. Pondering these moments she turned to the reflection in the full length mirror. What happened to that "inner core"?

She sighed, powers up the "connection to the world" and lowers her spread into the desk chair. The light flickers and the triad chimes. A screen saver appears. Its a photo she took during a long walk on the beach. Quietly emitting pure gratitude for where she landed. And the repeated motion begins. Up tempo. Armor on. Ready for exposure to what exists outside herself. Here we go again. Fishing for information. What will the bait be today?

Her friend was awake as usual, and working. They shared morning coffee time. As she spoke to him on the computer, feeling the spark had gone out of their conversations. The heat that gave her hope to ran to her laptop upon returning home from her day. Anticipating the words he may have left for her there.

She decided to relay that to him,"I am not as shiny now am I?"

He replied, "What do you mean by that?"

"Never mind. Its a silly metaphor."

"As in you aren't as new?"

"Yea. You are the clever one. I always knew that about you. "

"I have just been busy. You still shine. Believe me."

Her polished teeth produced a grin that flashed a spark in her eye. She laughed. He reminded her to hope. Opening to the idea of a gleaming future no matter her state. The desire to find a pinnacle with her "new self". A radiance even the tarnish of old love couldn't take away. She knew a shine had returned to her eyes. Hoping it would get her through the day. As they finished their coffee, the conversation was put on hold. For now.

Wednesday, September 10

Atom Smasher

My home page is Google. When I opened it this morning, I noticed the logo surrounded by a band that looked like it was in motion. Then I realized it must be representing the atom smasher. I looked for news on this machinery. Still quite baffled about how this is going to change my world, but seems to be quite progressive on the physics front. Tell me. Do you know why we need an atom smasher? Do we really need to solve all of the earths mysteries? I guess scientists want to know.

Maybe great things will be in store for our children from the atoms being smashed. And from knowing how the universe works. Sometimes, not often, I wish I lived far away from technology. Having a simple life, sleeping well, eating plainly, and just living. Until the next episode of "Survivor" comes on. Then I am glad to have the current flowing through my house that provides me with drivel, drama and daydreams.

Smashing Atoms. Thanks Stephen Hawking.

Sunday, September 7


happy blogoversary to me
happy blogoversary to me...

I can't believe that I have actually been blogging for over 4 years now. Makes me want to go back and see what I have repeated consistently over and over again. What has been a true revelation. And what was just fun. Who knows where this will take me the next four years, but I trust that I will always be thankful that my mind has a place to unload and receive comments from strangers and friends. The world has great people in it. I respect your input and wisdom into the things you show me.

Thanks again for taking your time to observe my lines. MWUAH~

Friday, September 5

a response

i posted this response to ela's blog... wanted to keep a record of it for myself because it rang true for me as well. (deep thoughts by insomniac me)

there is no loss of connection when you choose to connect, because you are still connecting with yourself. if you lose the expectation of what you "think" the connection should be offering, you find what you aren't seeing.

just a suggestion.

Thursday, September 4

My CUZ!!!!

One day I was listening to, posting on the forum boards. A man named Larry came on. He made a comment to me. I replied "I have a cousin named Larry. Are you my cousin?" A new friendship was born.

My "cousin" is fresh to the blogosphere, but seeing as he is Arighter, this will be a natural transition and a proper good chance for him to start practicing his skills.

That being explained, we decided to give each other some exercise in metaphor and vocabulary usage. Testing, competing, aligning, defining and hopefully entertaining as we go along. Picking a topic or a challenge and both putting up our "attempts". We have selected Thursdays for our posting.

Round One: Sept. 11th. Tune in for a better title and the First Dual Blog.

:sly wink to da cuz:

Kissing Cousins
acrylic on canvas
by Ed Klink

Wednesday, September 3

Surgery & Awareness (dont read. its a boring journal entry)

I am going ahead with my ankle surgery. Outpatient surgery. Under the knife two weeks from yesterday. I am a bit nervous. Not much I can do but get through it. Its time to be rid of the pain and past its limitations. Send positive energy. I just hope I can find enough people to help while I recover. I need strength and I am afraid I am out of it all right now. Time to lose some dead weight. Across the board.

I often wonder what is it that I have done along my lifetime to be in the situation I am in. I have made bad choices. I have forgiven myself for some of them. Sometimes I dig a hole just so I can sit in it for a bit and not think and or feel sorry for myself. Take things way down so that I can feel ok at mediocre again. I am not clear on how to make things different in some moments because I have a difficult time thinking clearly. I have a very few people to lean on so it makes it more difficult for the few people that I do count on for conversation. I have these stupid expectations that people will do what they say they are going to do. Be your friend, lover, caretaker, etc. The world burdens us with so much shit. What to have, what to do, how to live... I am so overwhelmed I can't think sometimes. I have no one to lean on. I have a high emotional drain (and reward) in a small man that lives with me. I think its me with the problem. I should be alone, but I cant stand the loneliness of it. And when I find people that I do think care, it turns out they are only using me to fill their own empty lives with something. But, then again, I don't know everyone. Yet.

What I seek I haven't found. I hope that I am not always going to be looking. In the process of discovering it, I will find some things that are satisfactory and uplifting, I will always look and embrace those things. In the meantime I am the butterfly flitting from flower to flower.. branch to branch.. hoping to reach the landing that will embrace me. Giving me a respite from the tedious task of flying ever onward in search of nectar.

Oh sweet flower... where do you lay? Over the hill? Not to far away? Please give me peace.

I have merit. I have worth. I have beauty. I may not have charm, but I can be charming. Mostly? I have me.. but I am broken. Life has broken me... I have broken me and I don't know that I can fix any of it. And, to be honest? I am too fucking tired to try anymore. I want to chunk it all in the river and watch it sink into a peaceful quiet. Just for a change. But I wont. I will fight. Just with less vigor until I feel more "repaired". Seeking wisdom and spiritual strength from within. Finding my light again.