Wednesday, September 3
Surgery & Awareness (dont read. its a boring journal entry)
I am going ahead with my ankle surgery. Outpatient surgery. Under the knife two weeks from yesterday. I am a bit nervous. Not much I can do but get through it. Its time to be rid of the pain and past its limitations. Send positive energy. I just hope I can find enough people to help while I recover. I need strength and I am afraid I am out of it all right now. Time to lose some dead weight. Across the board.
I often wonder what is it that I have done along my lifetime to be in the situation I am in. I have made bad choices. I have forgiven myself for some of them. Sometimes I dig a hole just so I can sit in it for a bit and not think and or feel sorry for myself. Take things way down so that I can feel ok at mediocre again. I am not clear on how to make things different in some moments because I have a difficult time thinking clearly. I have a very few people to lean on so it makes it more difficult for the few people that I do count on for conversation. I have these stupid expectations that people will do what they say they are going to do. Be your friend, lover, caretaker, etc. The world burdens us with so much shit. What to have, what to do, how to live... I am so overwhelmed I can't think sometimes. I have no one to lean on. I have a high emotional drain (and reward) in a small man that lives with me. I think its me with the problem. I should be alone, but I cant stand the loneliness of it. And when I find people that I do think care, it turns out they are only using me to fill their own empty lives with something. But, then again, I don't know everyone. Yet.
What I seek I haven't found. I hope that I am not always going to be looking. In the process of discovering it, I will find some things that are satisfactory and uplifting, I will always look and embrace those things. In the meantime I am the butterfly flitting from flower to flower.. branch to branch.. hoping to reach the landing that will embrace me. Giving me a respite from the tedious task of flying ever onward in search of nectar.
Oh sweet flower... where do you lay? Over the hill? Not to far away? Please give me peace.
I have merit. I have worth. I have beauty. I may not have charm, but I can be charming. Mostly? I have me.. but I am broken. Life has broken me... I have broken me and I don't know that I can fix any of it. And, to be honest? I am too fucking tired to try anymore. I want to chunk it all in the river and watch it sink into a peaceful quiet. Just for a change. But I wont. I will fight. Just with less vigor until I feel more "repaired". Seeking wisdom and spiritual strength from within. Finding my light again.