There are many ways of breaking a heart. Stories were full of hearts broken by love,
but what really broke a heart was taking away its dream - whatever that dream might be.
Pearl S. Buck

Monday, October 27


Last night i dreamt of living back in the big city. I was visiting a friend. (Yes it was the actor who played Frodo in the Lord of the Rings). We had gone out for drinks. After going back to his apt. passing out and waking up for work the next day i started straightening things up and people started stopping by. A couple of women friends. I realized that these were women that liked him or had been involved with him. I was started to feel uncomfortable and yet I knew that he and i were just friends. I wandered around his apt... walking up to the second level I noticed it was completly empty. A beautiful room with skylights on top of a building, but nothing was there. He was intentionally sparse. I started to question why he hadn't done anything. He said, I don't have the energy or the time. I knew that was just an excuse, because he was living on his couch in his living room. And he had a really good job. I started to propose helping him, but was propeled into the next part of the dream.

I was back at the bar we were at the night before. The place was huge, almost 3 levels. At varying heights, different tiers. the top tier was at the top of the building with beautiful views of the skyline. i sat down on the first level having a drink. I had run across the empty dance floor and jumped up to the second level to get to the top for the views. I almost tumbled over an old lover (George Clooney of course. :wink:) He smiled at me. Of course nostalgia and the feelings we had shared hit my heart. I said, Why did you move? He responded, I didn't want you to ruin my tux. I just giggled and said something like, You always were a bit finicky about your clothing, and continued up to the top of the building. He asked where are you going, I responded to see the sights. He said, This is my place. I smiled and said, I think I could have guessed that. He proceeded to show me around the nooks and kranniew. I found a couple of stilettos, not the same shoe, but one of each. I asked nearby customers if they were thiers. NO. So I handed them to "george" He said, Check this out, and proceeded with a long speech so everyone in the bar could hear him. He placed the shoes on a giant bookcase on one wall that was covered with books and "single shoes". He said, We have a wall here of shoes that people have lost over the last couple of years. feel free to take a look. As I placed the two shoes on the shelves, i looked over the shoes noticing all the styles and designs. Strangely enough in my dream? they were all black or red and black. I wandered back to "George" after looking, and sat at the bar, saying to him, What are we drinking, because I knew that we had a LOT of catching up to do. He ordered something and as I waited a waitress wandered by staring at me. I looked at him saying you are NOT sleeping with your hired ladies. He blushed. I said, darling, you will never learn.

WE proceeded to have drinks and laugh. I woke up.

Upon waking i had three thoughts. One: I am not beautiful enough to have ever slept with George Clooney, nor likely will i ever be. Two: I can never wear heels again. But i bet i could design some. Three: What is it about myself that reminds me of Frodo, and why haven't i finished the upstairs? Why haven't i tapped into my abilities?

Friday, October 24

for you...

We found each other and that is wonderful. But for now, I am alone and I am tired of it. Patience isn't my virtue, nor is it my desire. My fears will be renewed with you about trust. I will give it and try to trust over and over again.

I want what I want when I want it like everyone else. I am not going to be a sucker for anyone ever again. Not even a soul-mate, so baby? for now? go ahead, you have my heart. Because I will accept you however you are. If you aren't going to do that for me? We both lose. Because I am done compromising. DONE.

I am too precious. I am offering you the world for a few tokens... You have the intelligence to realize how easy it would be to keep someone that would hold you forever. I believe in you.

I got a song for ya. (she should have included something about patience.. my weakest virtue)

Be Careful - Patty Griffin

Das Boot

The purple cast is gone. I have a new friend now. But? I am still hopping around on one leg. no weight for another two weeks.

I need peace and recovery. maybe next year will be that year. until then? Nightmares of burglars and drowning, hopping on one leg, a loving son, and a prospective future. positively unnerving!

Tuesday, October 21

I had to LAUGH

Now, you might all have seen this but its new to me.


Sunday, October 19

here i am.

I have had a lot of time to contemplate.. sitting, sleeping and not moving. I am enjoying this rest. my spirit has needed a place to stop sit and breath.

I am not quite yet ready to start the cycle again, i am feeling the need to reserve energy. Start contemplating. And as i have a son that needs my attention thats the most i can give a this moment.

he is loving and patient as a five year old can be. And i want to be an active mom. But i can NOT be active until i am healed. I look forward to the future past this 3-4 months of recovery.

There are plans in my head, but i know they are going to be there in a months time. I am going to enjoy this peace. and pray for a soulmate who can enjoy it with me. and teach my son to love life the way i do.

Tuesday, October 14

Not dead or injured

Just have a lot on my mind and haven't gotten any of it in a plausible order. Back soon. I promise.

thanks for your patience.

Thursday, October 9

first day back

Today is my first day back to work since Sept. 16th. I have to say that time off with my parents was rewarding for all of us. The best time we have spent together in a very long time.

My doc OK'ed me to go back part time until dec 15th as I am having some complications with swelling. He says I shouldn't over do it. I think that this is going to be such a great time for me to accomplish a lot of personal goals, and still get my work done at the office.

Anyone a personal assistant or organizer? I need some agenda and budget assistance.

Tuesday, October 7

it has arrived

The Roll-A-Bout.

I don't know why I didn't get the steering model, but I didn't. Sure is lighter than my wheelchair, and easier than crutches.

I am MOBILE! A thanks to my agent that rented me the apt. She turned me on to it. And to my parents that paid for my rental. I am movin!

Monday, October 6

Another Fall.... Literally

My life is a comedy of errors.. Another fall. This time i am at Shoreline Beach Cafe. We decide to sit up on the deck as its more stable for a gimpy gal. The 16 year old hostess sets us at table that was so wobbly, if the wind blew it would have spilt your water. I asked my friends, this isn't good is it? In case I needed to get a grip, I would be SOL. We asked if we could move to the next table. Wood, sturdy, etc. I turn my chair slightly to raise myself out of it slowly. The next thing I know the chair breaks and I am going DOWN!!!!! No one at my table was close enough to help. The men (I use that term as a gender descriptor ONLY) at the table next to us laugh. People are staring at me. Someone says, now that's embarrassing. For who me? or them? The chairs were the stack able ones you pick up at Costco cheap for outdoor dining. Again I say, what do I have to be embarrassed about? Now seeing as i am in this cast, you would think that people would be jumping up to help. Fuck no! Now, my friends that are with me did attempt. But, the busboy, the waiters, the owners? Nothing. The manager never came over, the waitress never even comped us a drink or offered us any kind of apology. What a sad sad world we live in. And you guys out there? The people that laugh at others misfortunes instead of assisting them? How humiliating that must be for you.

The ideas that spring to my mind? Entitlement. Humiliating those less fortunate. Forcing your way to the top by stepping on others. Sure its an age old story. And we all know the end too.. It all goes to hell. Current financial situation pretty much sums it up. huh?

I was not injured too badly, a few bruises on my arm and leg, but i was fine. I wasn't even humiliated. I did get a righteous headache, a pain in my ass and in operated on ankle later that day. Its not my fault the restaurant was so cheap they bought patio furniture from Kmart/Costco to use at their tables. I was fine. I also got a few good laughs out of it from some sitting close by. I should have shouted if that was such a great show, buy me a fucking beer!!!!!!!

You can bet this is going to be (a little more professionally written then) sent to the local paper as well as to the manager of the restaurant itself. Accidents happen to everyone. I know all to well about that. But ignoring a customer that could potentially sue you for an entire cost of a new ankle fusion surgery? Dumb. Very ignorant, elitist, oblivious, disrespectful and dumb.

But the surf was awesome yesterday. And the food? not bad!

stay tuned for more, falls from the woman who should obviously never leave home!

Sunday, October 5

Thurs Cous Blog OFF - topic Vibration

Please forgive my tardiness for todays "blog off" . It will be up by tomorrow. thanks for holding this space for me.

Saturday, October 4

They did it!


My mother had to drive my car and park it while they were here visiting. she said, you are going to die in that car. we are getting you a new one.


welcome home my little dolphin! we are safe. happy. and completely overwhelmed. and did i mention safe?

happy weekends!

Thursday, October 2

Cous Blog off Thursday (CBOT) ~ Meltdown

My cousin and I agreed, this weeks topic? Meltdown. (edited this out.. Nothing says meltdown quite like a little person who wants something he knows he cant have and he asks the grown ups say no over and over again.) A Meltdown. The most recent example i can think of starts with my son. Toddlers have a way of working themselves up into a frenzied meltdown than asking for repeatedly for something they can't have. Or being asked to preform some kind of task they don't want to do. It becomes obsessive manipulative behavior at a point. This is when the meltdown starts. Mind churning up info that isn't true so the drama can continue till they get some kind of attention. Now I have to explain a few of the happenings in my current state to set this particular occurrence.

If you visit me here at all, you already have the info on my selective "surgery".I am laid up. Non weight bearing. You can see my new cast! This happened Tuesday, staples off. During my recovery, both my mother and father have been here. Taking care of me and Austin. And as mothers are, she has been diligent about cleaning, doing laundry, etc. I have helped when I could by doing dishes, some sweeping, folding laundry and putting away. Pa-Pa has been basically in-charge of the Austin. To and from school bathing, play some games, etc. We have had a wonderful visit. I know its a total shocker... aside from the few issues that have plagued their marriage historically, we have really enjoyed each others company. That being said, its going to be sad to see them go. And I really mean that.

So we went grocery shopping on the day I got my perty new cast. I suggested we pick up a frozen lasagna, so we wouldn't have to do any cooking. We got a bag-o-salad, pan-o-noodle, and garlic bread. Dinner is heated and served. Yea us! We get home fix dinner. The kid was excited. He was out side playing with one of (his many) "girlfriends" Zoe. It came time for dinner. He came inside as requested. We sat at the table and started dishing out the food. He said, I don't like that(lasagna). (sighs) I proceeded to say, You haven't tried it yet. Its just spaghetti but the noodles are big and flat.

A-man, "I hate spaghetti." now this is a total lie.

Mommy, "You love spaghetti, sucking in the noodles. And No, this isn't spaghetti, its lasagna. I have seen you eat lasagna at your school for hot lunch. We had lunch together that day."

A-man "NO, I didn't. I didn't eat that lasagna. It's NOT spaghetti." very snotty.

Mommy "That's true, its not spaghetti. Why don't you just try it? Here I will put some of the "white cheese" (parmesian) on it."

A-man "I dont LIKE white cheese." another total exageration.

Mommy "Yes you do. You use about a half a container on your spaghetti. Try it! Just take a bite."

A-man "You always want me to try stuff I don't like."

Mommy "You need to try new things. Besides i want you to tell me if it doesn't taste pretty much like spaghetti. And if you don't have any, you can't have any homemade ice cream. Maybe you should try the garlic bread first."

A-man "Dessert? I want dessert."

Mommy "Well, you have to a few bites of your lasagna first. Not all of it, but you have to eat some."

A-man, "No. You wont let me eat lasagna. And then I wont get dessert, because you wont let me."

He crawls under the table and three peoples feet. Crying and shaking.... talking about how I wont let him eat his bites of lasagna so he cant have his dessert.

Mommy "I said, stop crying. Thats not getting you dessert or out of eating anything. Why don't you go to your room and cry then come back in a little while."

A-man "You wont let me eat just let me eat one bite, and then have dessert. You never do." this is a true statement.

I finally get everyone to stop convincing him. I coerce him back to the table. He sits down.

Mommy" Austin. Let me have a bite of your lasagna. (mommy takes a bite) Man you know what austin? That sure tastes like spaghetti to me. What do you think?"

Then he took a bite. "Yes mommy it does." He proceeds to eat half a plate and half a piece of bread. And is rewarded with a sugarless fudgesicle. sheeesh. Its amazing how quickly kids get up from being down when it comes to desert.

We have a lot of stories like that. Meltdowns during meals. I think toddlers need them as a form of expression because they can't communicate what the real issues may be. Picking something they know they can't have, become obsessed it. Repeatedly asking for it. Trying to obtain it till its a meltdown. Parents really should have coaching and or psychological training to deal with this stuff. Its stressful. And can cause adverse reaction.

I won this battle. But not without a few psychological maneuvers. I am learning. Through each episode comes a kernel of wisdom. And one more grey hair!