There are many ways of breaking a heart. Stories were full of hearts broken by love,
but what really broke a heart was taking away its dream - whatever that dream might be.
Pearl S. Buck

Wednesday, December 31


I had a dream I went back to school in the mountains. I was conflicted about why I was going. The night I first arrived to live in the dorm, I found the room I was supposed to have wasn't ready. I was placed in a room that was "temporary". I wandered outside that night with my notebook and a blanket to observe my surroundings.

When I woke up to the sounds of student voices, and I realized I had fallen asleep outside. I stared up at the sky and saw mountains. They were snow capped with clouds hanging above. Thinking in my mind how beautiful the setting. When I looked down I saw students playing soccer, and blowing bubbles. I wandered around and observing scenarios of student interaction, thinking I would be able to take some great pictures there. I found my dorm and wandered back inside.

Upon entering the dorms, I came across a man that had helped me from the beginning. I asked him to help me find my way. He apologized about the room situation. He didn't mean to mislead me. He gave me a sock with a long note upon it. He hugged me and whispered in my ear but I couldn't make out what he was saying. He seemed sad, that he was very attached to me, but he was going to leave.

I wandered the dorm watching various scenes and found my room. Then I found my friend, that assume was my boyfriend as we were sleeping in the same bed. I told him where I thought my new room was going to be and he left to go and find it. I was gathering up my belongings to move and he called, saying, I found the room. Its where you said it would be. As I was leaving the old room I thought to myself, I don't know what I want from this relationship and wasn't sure where it was going or if it would last. And that I was completely happy to be learning again. And the note on the sock had disappeared.

Thursday, December 25


This year was a very interesting Christmas. I felt relaxed this morning. I felt happy to be making food for loved ones. My friend John came over, Leslie was here, and Austin loved all the Santa presents even though none of them were what he asked for.

Life is going to be different in 2009. I am determined to find a positive force to drive a new perspective on my work and creativity. I am going to allow myself to be loved and not feel like I am expected to do more than love in return. I am going to deal with negative dramatic whiners that come into my vision. I am going to get involved with my sons education, become more of a teacher to him.

I am going to walk. I am going to hike. I am going to be a BETTER friend. I am grateful to the universe for offering me all the opportunities that I have been blessed with. I pray for continued healing for the world and its people. And a new vision to be shared rebuilding trust between all mankind.

pontification ceased. Merry Holidays to all that pass here. Reach for the stars.

Wednesday, December 24


Your vision of love is impaired. You used me as a means to an end, as you will the next in line, and the next, and the next, until you learn what you heart is searching for.

I pray that day comes soon for the sake of your children. They deserve to know what real love is. Not the false commitments we make out of blind tradition or our attachment to income and material things.

i will always love you. but you are gone now. and that is that.

Saturday, December 13

taking the piss out

You know... I have tried all my life to be a person of love, judgment free, someone that takes what is given as a challenge and allow it to alter my life. I have made mistakes for sure. But I don't pit friend against friend, putting up the "them or me" shit. I don't want to live that way. ever. I am not as strong as I used to be. I need some time in the asylum so no one can fuck with my head.

God save me if I fall back into the pit of despair. and take away jim beam. he is the devil.

Thursday, December 4

Solitary Thinkin

Today I need a day of reflection and peace. Reminding my self of the past. What the future holds. How this bag-o-weirdness has gotten down this road without a complete breakdown.

In the meantime, amuse yourself with some AMAZING photography. Ladies and Gentry, Joel Satore, Film Photographer.

Tuesday, December 2


Sometimes thoughts come. Like the waves of the ocean. Ideas are laid upon the page without conscious thoughts being applied. I have experienced this since early childhood. When you these images are shown to you they are not based on fact or reason, you grab on and enjoy the ride.

You always come across skeptics and doubters. Higher thinking requires no premise of pure fact. Application comes through basic physics, principles, fact and common sense. I mean seriously, if there was a perfect solution to interaction, wouldn't the world be more peaceful?

I pray every day for a way for us to each realize our potential and purpose in a peaceful, unconditional expose. Some days I think only music or art come close to that reasoning. But I am cornered by my own gifts.

Live, Love and Allow. Someone said i was judgemental today. I had to sit back and realize i was looking at the way a situation affected one person but had a completely different affect on someone else.

this makes no real sense. just asking the questions and exposing my suspicions. Love is unconditional. I hope i can reach that summit one day. Sans sarcasm or judgement.

amen. Happy Tuesday