There are many ways of breaking a heart. Stories were full of hearts broken by love,
but what really broke a heart was taking away its dream - whatever that dream might be.
Pearl S. Buck

Sunday, December 27

the tree and social services

I had a dream last night that my boyfriend was leaving for his job. he had woken me up. when I was walking to the kitchen I noticed that he had moved all the furniture out of the house. I was asking him why and he wasn't giving me any answers. I walked after him trying to get some answers, then he said something about another christmas tree and having to work. I tried to call him as he was walking out the door, but saw him get into his bosses car. As I was going to the kitchen to grab the broom to clean up the apartment, i noticed that my sisters ex-husband Hutch was wandering about my apartment. I mentioned this situation to him and he just grunted and was his usual apathetic towards others self. I grabbed a broom and started sweeping, but nothing was coming up easily.

I went outside to try and clean the broom, and look for the furniture. when I wandered back to the house I noticed a bunch of people had come to my house. They were from Social Services. They took me outside while they looked around my house. They asked me a bunch of questions about the furniture, and also about why I had all these things around, when was I going to get rid of them. It was a strange interview, there were about 20 of them all together. They said they were going to be there all day and I asked them if they expected me to feed the them lunch, of course they said. I laughed. Then we went to their offices. I arrived at the building and there were 2 men in black on the roof top with binoculars and microphones. Then we somehow climbed to the top of that building and there were 3 beauty queen contestants there with elbow length gloves and tiara;s. The interviewer said of them, your friends came because they wanted to help you.

We walked into the seemingly empty building and it was a college/school/library. As we walked past all the classrooms, there were children, young and old, and teachers. Behind these rooms were the offices. I had an armload of personal items with me that I just noticed. The man who was my main interrogator asked me to wait. I sat down in an examination area and started writing a journal on clear plastic cellophane. Then all kinds of baby animals appeared; a duck, a kitten, then he came back and asked me to follow him. Thats when I realized i had a journal, so i decided to use that to write in. Then my son woke me up!

Could dreams be any weirder?

Wednesday, December 23


I had a huge meltdown last night. I am tired of being "angry". Maybe its time to get to the root of exactly WHY I am angry. Can anyone offer me a "process"? I would love some alone time and I mean ALL alone time. I don't get that very much. if ever... See what I mean? Angry. Time to set up some fences and sit in the middle to think, process and alleviate my clutter.

Watch for happier thoughts tomorrow.

Tuesday, December 22

Cheer UP

Looks like no extra's from work this year. Belt tightening and all! I am just super happy to have a job that offers me good benefits and a place to escape to a few hours a day. And I get to be creative sometimes!

Here is to a better 2010. I know many others are praying for the same thing. I predict a baby boom in 2010... when people don't have money what else do they do?


Monday, December 21

Snowy Ride

Ok. Dreamtime revelation AGAIN!

Some friends asked me to go out with them, and they insisted upon driving. We went to a bar and were having a good time. For some reason they all wandered off and left me at the bar alone. I looked around and the couple that gave me a ride there were schmooozing up some guy who was a celebrity or something. I went back up to the bar to get a drink and it became dusk. As I looked outside it was snowing... I screamed Look everyone snow!!! Everyone squeeled and ran outside to dance around in it. By the time I grabbed my camera, everyone had come back in and the snow had slowed down. I was only a bit disappointed.

I realized it was getting late and people were leaving. When I went to look for my friends they were not inside. So i gathered my things and wandered out into the parking lot standing in the snow looking for them. They were indeed heading out with this man in their jeep... laughing and looking at me. When i walked out in front of the Jeep they were all making excuses why I couldn't have a ride with them. I thought, what the heck am I going to do now? I was confused and angry so I set out after them. I was livid.. I had NO money for a cab, much less one that was as far away from the bar as their house was, but took one there expecting to get the money from the couple that left me. I would have driven my car had i known that thy would leave me.

I finally arrived at this couple's door and she opened up the door saying, "You know how long I have been looking for a decent job, and this person can give it to me. If you do anything to mess up this night I am going to never forgive you."

I said, "Why would I do that? I mean the only thing I would say is that you basically left me after you said you would give me a ride both ways!" She sighed and let me in.

When I went into the house, there were a lot of people getting out sheets and pillows getting ready to pass out! I felt so abandoned and left out. I was greeted warmly by most of them, but at this point all I wanted to do was get out of there. So I said hello to the male half of this couple and exchanged some words, I headed back out into the storm to drive.

The dream has been sitting with me all morning and the look on that woman's face really is haunting me. Why would I be someone that would be seen as someone to destroy someone else's chances at something when I didn't do anything wrong? Am I feeling that life is unfair? maybe. Honestly I don't feel that way nearly as much as I did in my youth. hm.

I am looking forward to sleeping again to get that image out of my head. oh yea!

Wednesday, December 16

I love my phone, i hate my phone

The love/hate relationship I have with my phone... do you have that twitch? Always looking for text messages? Soaring your thumbs across the qwerty keyboard to type words back in response that fly into the phone-osphere?? I find that I have been leaving my phone in the car or at home more often, as I don't want to be distracted from being in the "now". I refuse to be one of those people walking down the street staring at my PHONE instead of seeing the paradise around me. I also don't want to miss hearing the music in everyday sounds.

I received the original G1 phone last year as a Christmas gift from my parents. I will not purposefully upgrade for a couple more years as I love this mini computer. Its pretty durable too, since I put a hard red shell cover over it. An amazing little piece of technology, with its touch screen and qwerty keyboard. I don't brag to my I-Phone friends because of course their opinion is nothing beats an I-Phone. I understand that attraction/bonding with Apple Products because I am a Mac user. But I am going to one up those snobby IPhoners with this app.

Google Sky.

Its much more interesting and than text messaging and guess what? (wait for it)

Now you can find Uranus.... *giggle*

Thursday, December 10


We have been moved into cube land, my work/pod mates and me. It was and still is a rough adjustment. Sometimes I would like to be in my own world without having to drone out others conversations by forcing music into my ears and brains most of the day.

On a positive note? I sit by the window. It has given me a new avenue to finding some new tunes by reviewing podcasts and shared lists on Itunes. I love ITunes.

yea. sing it to me swell season!

Tuesday, December 8


Maybe I am not practical enough to be a mother. I don't seem to be able to meet specific timing issues. Always been a problem. Comes from my core belief that time is irrelevant. Its a measurement used to keep track of what we are doing where we are going etc. All of life happens whether we measure it or not. I find it highly amusing that we pretend to control that aspect of the universe.

That being said, I realize its "importance" to my relationship with others living here. And when it comes to cooking, or the amount of distance I can travel in a time frame. Where to meet and "when". Even after I say those practical applications, I still find it amusing. My mother and others may say, "You are using that as an excuse to not be on time, or do things in a timely manner." Thats because I am having to do these things on YOUR time frame.

Anyway... I find that my disregard of time and the necessity of getting things done in alloted time frames are impractical when it comes to raising a child. Doesn't mean I will become any better at working the "system of time". Just means that I need a little clock with bells that ring at intervals to make sure I am moving to the beat of another's schedule.

someday... i will have a hut and NO CLOCKS ALLOWED!!!! Come visit me there. I will be a happy little guru. :-p

Thursday, December 3

Scary Dream

I hate having disturbing images in my dreams. It happens frequently. After all the years I have had them, i am only slightly desensitized to them. This one wasn't really spooky, but the image in my head wouldn't leave. It kept me awake for a little while and when I did go back to sleep it still wasn't out of my head. whew...

You want to know don't you? I was in a shop/restaurant/hotel sort of place somewhere. The person at the counter said, watch out for those two over there. I said why? They are always up to something. Today they seem to be bent on torturing themselves with carving tools...

Sure enough I look over and one of the girls is peeling off her skin with a carving tool, making detailed scrolls, not deeply, just a quarter inch into her skin. NO BLOOD! the other girl had a hollow tube and was making swirls up and down her legs... carving away at herself. I could see the areas where the flesh was gone, almost to the bone. Again, NO BLOOD or organs showing. It was like watching wax figures carving themselves up. Making no noises, except a few words to one another while they were "decorating" they called it.

I tried to not look and you know how that goes. I couldn't help but LOOK!!!!! thats when I said in my sleepy brain, you have to wake up, and i did. Read a few words, then made myself forget it and went back to sleep.

Surreal baby... I should have known that first dream I remember as a child that it was going to be a surreal life. I dreamt that I lived in a cave and was the last woman on earth... and I was responsible for procreating a new world... I was maybe 6. yea. scary.

Life is never boring for me. Thank you UNIVERSE!!! i appreciate that gift. more as it evolves.

Happy weekends!

Hey did you see the post below about my book? yea. Check it OUT!

Wednesday, December 2


Things that happened in the last couple of days (and weeks) are unexpected. Surprise, sorrow, accomplishment, anger and joy. I realized I have felt settled into a "mudane" just following the responsibility sort of life. I used to be a huge firelight that was ignited daily by anything I saw in nature. I am the one that has let the fire go out, and coming back from the semi-dead is a difficult wall to climb. I have a son that needs me to be alive. I have a lot left to dish out and accomplish. Can't give in to the "weary" demon any longer.

One more lab test. Then a procedure to schedule. A bunch more pictures to draw... and a new beginning I feel will be coming in the next year. Am I prepared? My dreams tell me there are a few land-mine's that will trip me up. I have to remember to keep paying attention, forgive myself for mistakes, and learn when someone is blowing smoke to gain their own footing. My biggest challenge will be finding a place to have some alone time to CREATE! I have a child and man-child that suck the life energy out of me. I need a closet with white walls, directional lighting, paints, pencil, eraser and paper. And a few tacks.

Tis time for a new beginning.. and my mind and body are preparing for that, in dreams and reality.

OH and please... Order the book. we have 25 more to sell before we can break even on the "costs".

Thank you so much for your support... emotionally and otherwise. peace and gratitude.

Tuesday, November 17

A book I drew.

Ok.. I can finally release the long awaited news. I illustrated a book for my friend who lives in Texas. Its finally printed!!!!

Check it out. You won't get to see the interior just yet, but here is the initial website.

Butterflies and Flower Petals

I feel relieved. And excited. And I anticipate a lot of good ideas coming from this initial piece of work. I want to be the next Rob Scotton... Who doesn't love SPLAT?

Wish me luck!

(Mom, when you go to the website, click on items. You can order the book from the link above... Thanks!!! LOVE YOU!)

Monday, November 9

White People

I was asking my son's daycare provider if he thought it would give my child a complex because I call him "white man".

He said, "It all depends on how you say it."

I said, "Well, when I am asking him to do things, like, Clean your room up white man!"

My son always says, "Hey, my name is A.J."

I say, "Your name may be A.J. but you are still a white man."

The day care provider said, "Well, its not a lie or a slander. I think you are ok."

I still ponder it and have cut back. I guess I think its going to help him when he gets older and people say that, and he can say yea! so?

So, speaking of white people, the race of tweaky humans I claim as my tribe, here is a deliciously humor filled tribute to my breed of inbreeds.

Stuff White People Like...

Enjoy my long lost internet fall er-ers...

Monday, November 2


Sick this weekend, so missed out on trick or treating! I really am despising my physical status lately. (All that will change sooner than I think, so I must prepare.) I do not feel ugly, I feel immobile. Which is even worse.

The happy thought I keep in my head is that I know love and have love in my life. Nothing has ever been perfect nor is it likely to be in the future. I enjoy the moments when it falls together and I can relax for a minute or two. Life is about movement and I need to be able to keep up. The goal is in place.

In the meantime I have some projects to get going that will fruitfully occupy my mind and my time!!! I am still sick, and I am still moving. Hi Ho Silver... AWAY!

Wednesday, October 28

Happy Halloween

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Friday, October 16

Avocado Dreams

In this dream, I was strolling around the yard of the house where I grew up in Kentucky. There were fruit trees covered with ripening fruit everywhere. Limes, oranges, watermelons and even peanuts. (Yea I KNOW watermelons and peanuts don't grow on trees, but this is my dream, so butt out!) I saw 3 or 4 avocado trees and thought, Wow!!! Look at all the avocado's! I can't wait till they are ripe enough to share and enjoy. Then I took out my camera and tried to capture images. It was a hugely abundant dream. Although I remember stopping to look at the peanut tree (ha) and the nuts weren't fully developed, and there were some spider webs on them. Not sure what to make of the peanut tree, maybe brushing the dust off things I thought weren't possible?

Anyway today, I got good news from a friend about a project that we have already completed, its FINALLY at the printers. She also sent me a lovely inspirational email about looking at projects as a dance partnership. And to dance freely and easily, as easily as she and I interact together. And now, this dream has inspired me to get working on our next project. Now if only i have a studio to work in! *NOTEBOOK! where are you?* When she mentioned dancing to me, this song popped into my head. Remember Song of the South Disney Fans? Wow. I am OLD.

Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay
My, oh my, what a wonderful day
Plenty of sunshine headin' my way
Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay

Mister Bluebird's on my shoulder
It's the truth, it's actual
Ev'rything is satisfactual
Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay
Wonderful feeling, wonderful day, yes sir!

(repeat 3 times)

So I am going to head out to the alpaca ranch tomorrow, and take my camera. Maybe they will have a huge avocado tree! Zip-a-dee-doo-dah... Uncle Remus!

Friday, September 25

SLACKER & Starshine

Thats me. A slacker. I don't care what you say. Its a badge of consistency and I am sick of it. whew.. I feel purged!

Now on a happier note, I have found a columnist whose writing I adore.

Starshine Roshell, who wrote Keep Your Skirt On, is from my happy little town. Check out her book sometime. I promise you will get a good laugh, feel relieved and enlightened.

Enjoy your weekends!

Tuesday, September 22

Ok. A word I use alot.

I realized the other day, when I get to a point of finishing a thought or doing a project I say OK.

My boyfriend said to me the other day, "What now?"

And i responded, "Why are you saying that?"

He said, " You say OK a lot, and usually its because you have finished a thought or a process."

I laughed out loud and gave him a big hug. I said, "Yea. lets..." (I don't even remember what we were talking about or doing at that point).

It sometimes takes others for us to see ourselves, huh?

Friday, September 18

I am a KLUTZ!!!!

Peaceful Friday afternoon. Work is relaxed and moving smoothly. I have a can of tuna for lunch so I don't have to spend any money eating out. I have that cup and my 1/2 cup of coffee sitting on my desk. I decide oh now I can waste some time by cleaning out my mugs. As I slide them across my desk, someone walks by and talks to me distracting me. Then I feel something cold spilling on me, and the clank of the mug.

Cold, wet coffee all over my white shirt and freshly cleaned jeans! ARGGGGGGGG.... Sigh.

Thats just how my days go sometimes. Smile and smell of hazelnut creamer in a white shirt that will never be white again. Can't have anything nice. Might as well dress in rags everyday, and just be prepared!

Tuesday, September 15


Ok. Some of you may have guessed by coming here infrequently that I am a music consumer. I mean if there were no music, I would cease to remain sane. Don’t even test me on that one.

I truly believe music is a religion of sorts. There is no dissertation at this very moment. I have no concrete factual information to support my theory, it’s just an internal longing I have. I do know that waves of melody cause each of us internal awakenings of one type or another. It is capable of lifting us out of our lives into another parallel above or bringing us closer to an internal voice we can’t absolutely voice. Music can calm, excite, derive, distance, communicate, meld and reunite. If you have seen August Rush, this basically covers the ideas I have about the force of music.

Further more, there is a type of reverence for people that are capable of wrangling these tones and corralling them into bars of notes (with or without lyric) that change our lives. They are viewed as gods, and/or demons. They are everyday people who remind us of this touch by just sitting on our city streets gathering loose change, spreading a message only music can deliver.

What is even more interesting to me is how inherent and diverse it remains despite the regurgitation and repetition through out its evolution. Like thumbprints and portraits, songs can be reminiscent of the past, and there is still originality to each composition.

Whew. what does all THAT mean? I love music. Give me more and more and more. I can't get enough. I have to say that maybe its not better than a couple of things, but its a HECK of a lot better than a lot of others!!!!

Now. Check out a few new bands each week. I downloaded the ITunes Newport Folk Festival sampler from NPR All Songs Considered a few weeks ago and was turned onto "The Low Anthem". The name of the band suits their music, some of their songs remind me of anthems. There is so much good music out there... Find it. Its inspirational, creational and brings us closer to each other in a lot of ways.

Can I get an AMEN!? Peace Out....

Monday, September 14

Live Scribe

Ok all you ADD'ers out there. Can you imagine having this as a tool when you were in College?

The LiveScribe Smart Pen.

This would be the perfect christmas present for all the proud parents of college students that need a little bit more than just taking notes in class (even on a laptop). I know I was one of them. I got lost in lectures, couldn't keep up with the writing, and the tape recording devices of the day were just not as sophisticated technology as today. Some professors wouldn't even let you bring them to class.

Dig deep, forgo the stocking stuffers. It could be the answer to some study issues. I sure wish I could go back and do it all over again with this baby. FER SURE!

Rock Fish

Ok. This weekend was my first ocean fishing off a charter boat experience. I had to rent a reel and pole. I had to buy tackle I will probably not use again for six months. It was three hours out, and three hours back moving from spot to spot. There were a LOT of people on the boat. I am STILL rocking from the trip. I only caught one (and a half(a small) rock fish... It was AWESOME!

I would do it again in a heartbeat, IF I went with less people. I spent a lot of time in tangles. And my reel was screwed. And I have NO clue what to look for when the fish are yanking on the line. Its time to get some experience though.

Who wants to go fishing with me? Give me a week or two to get my land legs, then, yea! I will bait with anchovies and squid and catch some dinner. Its going to be harsh going back to eating "not so fresh fish" after that. yup.

Friday, September 11


Along with the day that Kennedy was assassinated in Dallas, this day sticks out in my mind as another reason to doubt mankind, distrust government, don't believe anything you read to be fact, and believe only half of what you see.

I pray everyday for peace amongst the societies of our world and the universe. How barbaric is behavior that tries to eliminate by terror and murder? Are we to remain infantile and self centered humans forever?

Live wisely, keep learning and teaching future generations that these ways have never paid off. And maintain faith we can use these horrific events to rise above this self centered way of life.

my compassions to the victims living and dead from war.

Thursday, September 10

A guest Spot!

Hey all my pals of Bloggerland, I did a guest posting on Cindy's page. Go check it out.

Its about dreaming... like you don't hear enough of that from me already!

Happy Thursday everyone...

Monday, September 7


Wow. Three years ago today, I started this blog. Some good entries and some bad. I have it documented.

Hopefully many more years and better writing! enjoy.

Tuesday, September 1


I have been waking up early for a few days now. When I do, i start thinking the most interesting thoughts. Great ideas. Then I fall back asleep, and when I wake up, I have forgotten them. I need a little memo pad/typewriter by the bed to jot down the little thoughts so I can expound on them later in the day when I have actual cognizance.

I have discovered that I have a head full of ideas, even though I knew this long ago, I finally feel like expounding on them.

Wednesday, August 26

The Nightmare

I was uber uber tired last night. So tired I went to sleep at 8:30 pm. I fell asleep immediately and slept all night long. I had some tumultuous visions. I have to get this one down on paper.

I was at a big party that someone invited me to. it was a roaring twenties party. All the girls were dressed in satin fringed swing skirts. The guys in suits, etc. They were having it in a huge building/warehouse style. We wandered floors and floors of party people, drinking smoking with cigarette holders, etc. Outside the building was a huge field with a concrete center. There was a band playing, lights were strung up all over the place. The person I was with was talking to me the entire time, saying, see them? They think they are so smug, etc. He was saying all kinds of seriously negative and damning things. I wasn't afraid as much as I was confused why he was taking me along with him, showing me all these people.

We reached the top of a building and he pointed to the grassy area and said to me, "Keep your eyes focused here. I am going to show you something. We have a great power, and we are going to use these people to prove a point. They need to be made an example of. Lessons will be learned". That's when I got scared. He pointed to the middle of the field and it started to open up and people began falling into the hole. You could see the red glow of lava inside the hole. Then the building started to slide into the hole as well. We had started floating into the sky watching this all the while. I was reaching for people but wasn't "allowed" to help anyone. He was holding me back with some kind of force. I sat and watched as the building and all the people sank into the earth. then the earth closed up over them and it was silent. Just a sink hole where they all used to be. I was numb.

He took me back to the building/hotel we were staying at. We got into bed together, and I was trying to get a good visual look at him to see what was this evil force so I could avoid it when I woke up. There never was a clear picture of his face, I knew it was a man by his voice. I don't believe that I have ever had that kind of dream that was directed by a demon. It makes me wonder what has changed in my life that drew that into my dreams. I wasn't even that scared being next to him either. Just watching and wondering what the real story was. He told me a lot of things while we laid in bed at the hotel, but mostly I remember him saying something about control. And my mind thought I need to get out of this bed and out of this room. So I did.

I was met by the "landlady". She took my hand and showed me the other rooms offering me some solstice from that scene. All i could think was I need to get outside!!!!! I finally did. Can't remember the weather. I remember thinking wow. that was totally intense and I need to write that down.

Now I sit and retype it all out thinking of that party and the hole. How can you feel safe if you have such crazy images in your mind nightly? Maybe its a good way to start a story. I slept GREAT which even disturbs me more.

Monday, August 24

Monday update

I tell you what. I love love LOVE Texas, but they can keep that crappy hot weather. I did my time and escaped to the sweet winds of the pacific floating between the ocean and the hills of Santa Barbara CA. Pray that I can find that nitch that enhances my income and creates a more stable life for me and the mini me.

More to come about our Trip to Texas tomorrow. Some photos included.

goin back to Cali, goin back to cali.. :whistle:

Tuesday, August 11

In My Dream

I have been considering something for a week or so now, and decided that I feel excited about it. When I pick up literature or move in a line towards this purpose, i feel energized and yet peaceful, unhurried and centered. There is a level of anxiousness and awareness that has been showing itself in my dreams throughout the weeks time. Last nights dream was no different in the beginning. At the end of that dream though, i had a sleeping lioness in my lap. She walked over to me after I sat down on the couch, laid down next to me, laying her head in my lap, looked at me and proceeded to fall asleep. After my initial apprehension of being bitten or mauled, I relaxed, and stroked her fur as she slept.

When I awoke an image popped in my head from one of my tarot cards. That image is of a woman with a blindfold being unwrapped from her eyes as she stands at a gate made of pentacles. I realized that it is time to recapture the sleeping lion's strength. Accept that power that has been sleeping and open my eyes to something new.

My dreams are SOOO cool!!!

Wednesday, August 5

whats up with that?

Every time I talk to the receptionist at my doctor's office, she has attitude. I mean EVERY time. Even when life is peachy and happy she sounds as if no matter what I say i am an inconvenience to her.

I am soo tempted to tell her to lose the tude, OR tell her boss that she is such a negatory so and so.... Its positively annoying to have to deal with people that hate their jobs or everyone else in the world it sounds like. The only time I have heard a pleasant thing out of her mouth is to the doctor.

Get out of the "people service" position lady. Or as my texas friends say, get down off the cross, someone needs the wood. Right? Ha.

avett brothers

Give them a listen sometime. I find this song haunting. This phrase I found explaining the root of this song.

"The title track for the new album, is a piano ballad soaked in folk flavor, crying “Brooklyn, Brooklyn, take me in.” Makes sense, since the song was inspired by a gig at Brooklyn’s Galapagos. “It was the coolest place we’d ever been, and the furthest from home we’d ever been in every sense,” Scott Avett tells Spinner. “So the Brooklyn chorus kind of embodies the rest of the lyrics.”

I picked up this explanation off


The Avett Brothers are a non-traditional bluegrass band that originated in Concord, North Carolina. The two brothers, Seth and Scott, formed the group after the breakup of the former rock band, Nemo, adding a third member, Bob Crawford. The Avett Brothers combine old-time country, bluegrass, punk, pop melodies, folk, rock and roll, honky tonk and ragtime to produce a sound described by the Washington Post as “post civil-war modern rock”, or by other reviewers as “grungegrass”. For a long time the group eschewed labels, feeling that “none would do the music justice.” Ironically the Avett’s signed to Columbia Records on Independence Day 2008 to record their fifth album with acclaimed producer Rick Rubin. It’s simply left up to each person to extract his or her own account from the Avetts’ music.”

Their live performances, generally at smaller venues, showcase their use of three-part harmony and southern rock feel, and are admired for being intense, energetic, and soulful. The Avett’s have been picking up steam opening for Dave Matthews Band and playing SXSW and Newport Folk Festival.

Edited by weanders on 24 Jun 2009

anyway, enjoy them. I find it an intriguing new sound. but then again, The Devil Makes Three is one of my FAVORITES!


I and Love and You.

load the car and write the note
grab your bag and grab your coat
tell ones that need to know
we are headed north

all one foot in and one foot back
but its okay, to live like that
so i cut the ties and i jumped the tracks
for never to return

brooklyn brooklyn take me in
are you aware the shape im in
my hands they shake my head it spins
brooklyn brooklyn take me in

when at first i learned to speak
i used all my words to fight
with him and her and you and me
oh its just a waste of time
its such a waste of time

that women shes got eyes that shine
like a pair of stolen polished dimes
she asked to dance i said its fine
ill see you in the morning time

brooklyn brooklyn take me in
are you aware the shape im in
my hands they shake my head it spins
brooklyn brooklyn take me in

three words that became hard to say
i and love and you
what you were then i am today
look at the things i do

brooklyn brooklyn take me in
are you aware the shape im in
my hands they shake my head it spins
brooklyn brooklyn take me in

dumbed down and numbed my time and age
you dreams to catch this world the cage
the highway sets the travelers stage
all exits look the same
three words that became hard to say
i and love and you
i and love and you
i and love and you
the highway

the avett brothers - 2009

Monday, July 27

Fashion Design Dream

I dreamt again last night about Fashion. I was trying on tops. I had a navy top on with an intricate weave, and it was made of a satin material. I KNOW that I could reproduce that. Not easily but it could be done.

Its difficult to have time to do all the things we want. I have spent a lot of time lately thinking about how I can make more time for my creative desires to come to fruition. I am going to have to make some boundaries soon about somethings that are happening. In addition there has to be no more of this continuously cleaning up because more and more stuff is being brought into my apt. If i had my way, i would have a studio where i could set up MY THINGS and no one else would touch them. seriously.

Its past time for me to be designing. My dreams are telling me that more and more often these days. I wish to follow that inner light showing me where I could be to make my life (and those around me) easier.

If i have to argue this point one more time with someone, it wont be pretty. Oh no. Doors will slam and things will be moving to the next level.

Thursday, July 23

more middle of the night brain surges.

I laid down to sleep and was awaken by the co habitant. ARGGG! I am sure that I am not alone in saying once I fall asleep for about an hour, if someone wakes me up, I am up. For hours. FRACK.

Now as i lay in bed and try to avoid bad thoughts about the person that decided to disturb a fish lady while she is sleeping, i started reading a book titled, Drawing as a Sacred Activity: Simple Steps to Explore Your Feelings and Heal Your Consciousness (Paperback)

Now... i had to slow myself down a couple of times to pay attention because I was tired and upset. There are a lot of truths on the pages about getting in touch with your conscious and subconscious mind. I want to work on finding that person who used to take her notepad wherever she went and never drew much of what she saw. More the drawing of what you want to see inside. It freed me up for a less complicated relevance to the world around me. Getting back to center is the BEST way I can remain balanced and moving forward. I feel like I am all over the place, caught in an uncontrollable current. I don't want my son to grow up and me miss it while I am completely detached looking for myself.

Onward with the pencil and eraser as my sword and shield. And a few good books providing me some exercises to round out the weapons of accomplishment and progress.

wish me the peace to make this happen.

Thursday, July 16


Last night at 3:30 am, the stirring of my man woke me up. He rose from bed for whatever reason, even though I sleep like a monster, snoring and drooling, the simplest movement in my environment wakes me up. After that happens, I remain awake, well cuz it’s the middle of the night and I have some overactive thinking to do in the dark. You know the drill.

What came to my mind last night was, he is not making any significant noise and yet, I was stirred from slumber. Is there something I don’t see about myself that is there? I started thinking about my sign, Pisces. Moon is a water sign… Rising sign? You guessed it. Water. Water. Water.

Then I tried to do as ole’ Arthur of the round and imagined myself as a fish. Where do fish live? How quiet is that? What do they think? How do they react? Etc. Is it possible, that any buzzing around in my environment makes waves that I pick up on? How sensitive am I to the world around me? In so many ways it is a bonus characteristic of my effectiveness as a human. In other ways, its hell on the mechanics of the “house” my soul resides in, always aware of the waves that surround me in any form. I pick up on more than I wish. I have developed a wall that I can erect when I feel overwhelmed. I fear that is cutting me off from what I need to see as well as keeping me in a quiet place. Also how is it helping others when I am not my true self? This re-opened up a door for me.

Tangential connection, can’t figure out why, this morning I noticed a coworker didn’t seem their chipper bright-eyed self. I queried and found out the issue. Instead of being my empathetic self, I was bitter and cynical. I want to apologize to that person and let them know it’s always hard to lose something unexpectedly. Trying to regain footing when a dream dies is a harsh sleepless session. Keep focused on recovery, and not the regret. No one is wrong during these times, its just not meant to be. Everything happens for a reason. Believe in the future and the right things coming along. Believe me. I have tested it and survived, as have others. Depend on your friends; they usually give you everything you need during this time. Do as much writing as you can, and don’t listen to ANY Damien rice. HA!

And in the words of the infamous dori (thank you Disney and Ellen), Keep on swimming, what do we do? We swim.

Monday, July 13

How do you see the world?

I love me some Gomez.

See the World - Gomez

Day to day
Where do you want to be?
'Cos now you're trying to pick a fight
With everyone you need

You seem like a soldier
Who's lost his composure
You're wounded and playing a waiting game
In no-man's land no-one's to blame

See the world
Find an old fashioned girl
And when all's been said and done
It's the things that are given, not won
Are the things that you earned

Empty handed, surrounded by a senseless scene
With nothing of significance
Besides a shadow of a dream
You sound like an old joke
You want out, a bit broke
An' askin me time and time again
And the answer's still the same

See the world
Find an old fashioned girl
And when all's been said and done
It's the things that are given, not won
Are the things that you earned

You've got a chance to put things right
So how's it going to be?
Lay down your arms now
And put us beyond doubt
So reach out it's not too far away
Don't mess around now, don't delay

See the world
Find an old fashioned girl
And when all's been said and done
It's the things that are given, not won
Are the things that you earned

Monday, June 29

OK, Drool! But not on the Tablet...

Has anyone had the opportunity to explore this new little slice of heaven from Wacom? I am curious for some feedback.

I have just completed some illustrations for a friends poetry. I realized after doing some painting, I would still have to do some work in Photoshop or Illustrator. I reflected back to my days at Ernst and Young, when I had a WACOM tablet at my desk. The next thought was, I should look around and see what's available now, as I sure could use one in the future.

My toesies started tingling when I saw this one! mem want... mem need... ooo la la la! My first royalty check may be in the shoot to Wacom, or a less expensive distributor.

shicka bow, shicka bow bow... now how to keep it from the child? hm... STEALTHFULLY!

Thursday, June 18


This is an original drawing that I did for an upcoming book for my friend. I promised I would start putting some art up on my sight. Now... that being said, I can tell from the work that I did for this book, I need me some watercolor painting lessons. Or some drawing lessons in general.

When I draw/paint for myself its always surreal and dreamlike, because my dreams are where my inspiration/visions comes from. I have said it before, i have dreams that have come true. So, practically speaking, if I painted from my dreams I would have a road map that would likely give me some lucrative direction.

Requesting some feedback please. I need criticism and praise to continue this work. I appreciate any thoughts you have. (she needs some hair doesn't she? :giggle:)

Its just about Friday~! SUWHEEET!

Monday, June 15

I have a KID question

So today, I am sure that anyone who uses Yahoo Mail, saw this article about Bryce Harper leaving high school after his sophmore year to enroll in college to be prepared for the 2010 baseball draft pick. AND captured a cover of Sports Illustrated.

How many of you chime in for this motion? How many against? I am curious. I now have a little man that could "possibly" be in this position. What would you do for your kids? I mean its baseball, not football so... the risks?

I will chime in after I get some feedback from some of you parents.


I am a slacker. seriously. I have been putting off a project for a friend a LONG, LONG time. Its going to be complete by tomorrow evening. I promised myself and her. I will post one of the drawings here today or tomorrow, so you an see what I am talking about. I know that this is a project which will bring more income at some point. Right now I am feeling like a blimp so nothing seems to be creating waves of motivation.

Since my surgery in September, moving around at all has become a chore. I was non weight bearing for 4 months almost. I didn't get a walking cast till December. Then I was not walking very far for very long since Jan. I didn't even get the appropriate shoes until March. And just now in June am i making it past 3 days in a row with no pain. Literally 3 out of 7 days, my ankle still hurts me. I guess putting metal in my body was a big mistake. But I am walking and its not swelling nearly as much.

Anyway, long story short, I have put on about 25lbs in that time. I guess, being extremely happy in love, I have let other things go unnoticed until lately when I thought holy carp! How are you going to move around with your kid at this weight? Its time for a serious diet. Or gastric bypass. The lap band looks good but I fear the portal! :(

I will let you know my final decision in the weeks to come. Thanks for any input! moving forward...

Thursday, June 11

Am I awake?

I just can't seem to get enough rest and I am not really doing anything strenuous. I am not up to the speed I used to be. Maybe its being a mother, maybe its the size of my home and the amount of people fish and stuff that exists in that space. A lot of maybe's. Mostly I am tired of struggling financially. I will get past that. YES I will.

Today is step one to realizing that dream. I will keep my eyes focused on the diet. I will keep my mind keen on what money comes in and goes out. I will hold a good intention for someone. I will make lists and cross off the things that must be addressed so I don't carry that burden around causing me extra stress and anxiety.

Now. More water, more sleep, more beach time. I love summer at the shore.

Sunday, June 7


Dear Universe. I know that at one point you allowed me the luxury of a washer and dryer inside my actual home. At this point I am working on "manifesting" the return of this luxury. thank you for bringing me abundance and a washer and dryer.

as a prompt by the illustrious Beanie's comment, I have resurrected the "laundrymat blues". yea. its silly. peruse if you DARE!

Thursday, June 4

Questioning Choices

Today I was thinking about childhood. What prompted this was a song I heard on the radio by Jackson Browne. He was reflecting on his childhood and how it brought a smile to his face remembering his friends from that time. I wondered about those times and why its impact was so significant. What stamps our emotional memory so strongly from that time in our lives?

Sure we can say we were fresh to the world back then. Our peers became our greatest emotional bonds. They shared with us things we couldn't share with the elders for fear of exposing our misdeeds. They were the ones we trusted completely without question and ran around the world with. Sharing our splinters, scars and stories.

Some of us grow into adult relationships that reflect some of those aspects. The further we get into adult life the more that innocence seems to leave, even the casual moments we spend with friends. Can we allow them to still exist? Do we remind ourselves that every moment is filled with wonder if we let ourselves? Or do we plod along in the drudgery of everyday scoliosis. Plotting each move based on what we perceive should be happening next.

Maybe I am on the wrong train of thought these days. I find myself looking for problem, looking to solve the problems when I should be embracing the now. Knowing my thoughts won’t solve anything; constantly relearning it’s actions that create motion.

My personal reflection about childhood that really stuck with that string of lyrics is how I have lost momentum. I have to stop giving up and start moving again exploring each possibility with pure vision and promise. The recovery from surgery took me much longer than expected and I am climbing out of “de-feeted” mode.

Anyway. I don’t know if any of this makes sense to others besides me. I just had the vision this morning that all of life could reflect that childhood fervor and maybe I ought to find that again in myself.

Happy Thursday!

Monday, June 1

All Acronyms All the Time

Just because there is NO way I could keep up with all of them, I have discovered a sight that will enhance the abbreviations associated with a "too lazy to type it out" crowd.

All Acronyms

You too can have the information at your fingertips. Some of them are pages long. sigh... When did communication become coded? I guess I was busy typing all the words out!


Friday, May 15


I am the WORST eavesdropper ever. Or should I say the BEST? I do listen to what people talk about. There is always a lot of good information spread around between others if you are paying attention.

Our company has recently moved from offices to cubes. Its called "GLOBALIZATION". Since the 80's, when I had a brief stint working for Ernst & Young in Dallas, I have heard this term. Its been "revolutionizing" (heh) the way companies portray themselves. They call it a unified look, and often refer to the "Coca Cola" branding as an example. My company has followed suit. The results? We are in a maze of cubes. Now, in our little 3 ft wall rat maze, you over hear more conversations. Oh yes. More laughter and inside jokes. More "I love you baby" and what did the dog/kid do NOW?

Today, I was eavesdropping on my new gal neighbor in my division talking to her real estate agent about selling her condo and laying out the specifics of the house they are looking for in order to grow their family. Hearing those words made me so melancholy and sad (although I am happy for her). I started day dreaming of a backyard where my son can play on the swing set. A place to bust his lip falling off it. Scraping his knees after falling off his bike. Climbing trees and building a tree house. Planting seeds together and watching them become carrots or tomatoes or even flowers. Then, I remembered all the times I loved escaping my house into the "outdoors" and just breathing and growing up with nature. Exploring insect life. Watching the clouds roll by. Creating adventures through imagination and opportunity to roam freely and safely within walking distance of the kitchen.

I don't know that I will ever be successful enough as a single mom to provide my son with home that has a yard and a basketball court. I pray every day that I can (like my coworker said to her realtor and I said to man I love during a conversation) provide the kind of upbringing that I had. With a yard to BBQ in and crank the ice cream maker. And set off illegal firecrackers.

Come on LOTTO numbers! I need a house big enough for GrandParents too... :D

Thursday, May 14


Transmission is slipping, AGAIN. Its the third time for the transmission in three or four months. I also woke up this morning and there was a flat tire. I think the bearings on the front rods have something wrong with them because the tires are wearing out quickly. Another issue. If the insurance doesn't take care of all of this, I don't know what I am going to do. I can't keep up with the car repair costs.

I have a date with my man tonight. I think its the first time we have been alone without the A-man since January. Yea. For a few precious hours we can be quiet and reflect. Nice!!!!

Wednesday, May 13


I am angry with myself because I am bored at my job. I am in fear of jeopardizing it. I work on finding ways to get past the boredom and nothing is helping. I don ‘t feel encouraged about my work. I don’t feel supported in finding new things to do. It’s a good job with good people. The work is not difficult and its barely creative. It is BORING ME TO DEATH.

I am capable of much more. This stagnation is depressing me. I am trying to find ways to educate myself on software programs etc. that I use at my job. I am getting NO help from my boss in doing this. When I mention it he basically blows me off (ie: ignores my questions, evades an answer, changes the subject, etc.) How is THAT encouraging to want to work for someone?

This morning I even considered filing for disability so that I could get some free time to explore becoming more artistic in my work efforts. I don’t feel like I am helping anyone with the attitude I have now. That HAS to change for my mental and physical health.

I pray today will be the day that I can step up and make things different for me.

Thursday, April 23


At a point in my life I met someone I believed was my true friend. I honored his life. I saw who he was. I realized that I could help this person, so I chose to do that without asking anything in return. I continued this gracious cause as long as I could, despite naysayers. I know good people when I see them. Most people do.

Today this person chose to dismiss me and my feelings for something that is of lesser value than a human life.

I stand in shame thinking that I was wrong. Deceived again by someone that lied to me by lying to themselves. I BLAME myself. I tried to stay away. I resisted and even tried to have lengthy conversations with this person about how I would be hurt and listened to them telling me we should be together. "Don't worry, I wont hurt you or abandon you. This is a forever thing. I can't see my life without you."

I can't wait to hear yet another justification of how that was ok to say when I didn't really mean it.

People LIE. don't fool yourself. there is no more honor in this world.


Monday, April 13

Strange Dreams

Ok. Now this is some kind of sign I know. Last night I had a dream that Benjamin Linus was my landlord. Yea. He was doing all kind of strange things in his garage. Also had a lot of different tenants. Of course nothing was normal.

I think Mr. Benjamin Linus is a total weasel boy and yet one of the most intriguing characters of the show. um. That being said, last night I could have written an off the island episode, portraying Ben as the slum-lord... Cool huh?

I really need to get some uninterrupted sleep.

Monday, April 6


My friend called me today. I was so glad to hear from her. She gave a deadline on a project we are working on together. And I thanked her for that. I know having a deadline for projects is much better for me. I procrastinate due to insecurity. Fear of success and exposure.

I believe that education in some areas of my artistic talents are needed before moving on with confindence. Maybe things aren't meant to work out that way, who knows. I am moving onward to a new avenue with my art. And for that I am extremely thankful.

Thursday, April 2

The truth

Are you willing to step up every time you need to and tell the truth, no matter the situation? Have you tried it!? Its kind of amazing how much further you go when there aren't any lies involved. Seriously.

Try it for one day and see what happens in your life. You will be amazed how much more comfortable you feel in your skin.

Sunday, March 29


I have vivid dreams.

I have a son.

I moved to California from Texas to save my life.

I love animals, they don’t live with me.

I love men, they don’t love me.

I have friends and they make me smile.

I wish I took better pictures and had time to paint.

I love to have long conversations with people and see the light come into their eyes when they speak of their loves and life.

I feel judgment is selfish and self centered.

I won't hate.

I realize every moment in life is a choice I make.

I like that picture even though I don't want that kind of life.


I know that I am hard on myself. That makes it hard on others to be with me. I wish I could get past that. Someday when everyday things aren't stressed out for me at full blown range, then I will know the right person is in my life.

Thursday, March 26

Unmade Bed

It seems strange to look at the bed and not see you there. I don't know that I am comfortable with that feeling. Part of me see's us apart in the future. I am not usually wrong about these things. How much of that is projected or interpreted wrong? Only time will tell.

A psychic once said to me, why do you call me? I get hit with a wall of clairvoyance when ever you talk to me. I don't like power of any kind. Some things in life aren't chosen by us, they are chosen for us. And we learn how they fit into our lives. I know I will survive whatever happens to me. Its just hard sometimes to know that what you love wont be there forever. Such is the temporary chaos of this plane of existence. AHHHH.

Tuesday, March 24


Falling in love with this song again.

My words confuse you
My eyes don’t move a blink
Cause it’s easier sometimes
Not to be sincere
Somehow I make you believe
When I speak I cross my fingers
Will you know you’ve been deceived?
I find a need to be the demon
A demon cannot be hurt
Honest is easy
Fiction is where genius lies
Cause it’s easier sometimes
Not to be involved
Somehow I make you believe
When I speak I cross my fingers
Will you know you’ve been deceived?
I find a need to be the demon
A demon cannot be hurt
When I speak I cross my fingers
Will you know you’ve been deceived?
I find a need to be the demon
A demon cannot be hurt
When I speak I cross my fingers
Will you know you’ve been deceived?
I find a need to be the demon
A demon cannot be hurt

Demons ~ Guster


Ok bear with me this stream of consciousness. I was listening to the radio yesterday and an OLD song came on that I loved and now I can't remember what it was. Thats sucks. It spurned me to think I should have a notepad in my car to write stuff down on. Later, I saw this video about a development at MIT that blew my mind.

A facebook friend said today, "There is too much information out there to process." I understand that completely. That is one reason why I no longer have cable TV. I can't keep up with all the rush of information from so many angles. I prefer life to be a simple stream of conscious, peaceful moments. There is so much to see, do, hear and absorb. And that is just in nature. With all the access to various music, news, art, photography, videos, comedy, drama, discovery, history, do it yourself, travel, NASA, self help, solutions to financial difficulties and shopping... see? overwhelming. I choose to start paying more attention to the time I spend with all the info overload and mindless brain sucks on the internet.

What have we done to ourselves? Thats not a complaint. I love my electronics. I have a huge attachment to my browser/internet connection. For one reason, it leads me to others, including the people I love very much. Provides me with endless online conveniences.

One thought. Slow down magic carpet. I want to view the scenery! por favor. rock on.

Thursday, March 19

Spring or Summer?

I am still celebrating my birthday week. I have been a blog slacker! I haven't even read any of my favorite bloggers entries for a while. Heck I don't even read period. I spend long days with my kid and my friend.

This warm weather is spoiling me! I hate to think of how hot this summer is going to be.

Thursday, March 12

Its My Birthday!

Just for kicks. I am not feeling as old as Barbie. :wink:

Sorry Mom. This was too good to not post.

Wednesday, March 4

everybody is wonderin

I feel like just sittin in the sun on the beach and learning to play this song on my guitar and entertaining myself for a few mins. without a care or a responsibility. :giggle:

No one knows fer certain, so its all the same to me. I think I'll just let the mystery be.

Tuesday, March 3


Someone I ran into online today used to be happy to see me. Today he turned on me instead. A new friend of mine has enlightened me to something worth thinking about. Don't make time for people that aren't open to positive and forward thinking motives. People that make you feel bad about yourself.

Good Point. Thanks for freeing me up there Brad. I missed you. Up until today when you showed me what you thought about me. Please release yourself from your issues and free up your life. You will thank yourself. I wish you Grace and Peace. Good bye.


Last night I asked a couple of people that I care to help me with my diet. They looked at me like I was crazy. Both can eat all they want, no issues. It made me realize, this is MY battle, no one else's. I don't appreciate myself. I don't respect my body. Now, I have to take the time to get serious about my health and my physical condition. I am feeling adult enough to give myself a kick in the a** for not taking care of ME better.

Methods and diets never seemed to work for me. I have to figure out how to work around the gimmicks and find a reasonable method of living for my own weight loss. Put the pieces together as I get down the line one step at a time.

Things I have noticed about my eating habits when I do it and when I don't.

When I am doing something I love, I don't think about food.
I love painting, taking pictures, cooking, going to the beach, being outside,
When I exercise, that is less time to be eating. And it helps out my lungs.

So now to formulate what will work. What foods can I eat? What has worked in the past? How do I exercise on this fragile ankle? How do I push through the wall of it and get started? Calender? Keeping records of the intake? etc?

Ok. well, I am on the quest. Keep you informed. Maybe a photographic journey of areas that I need to change. And a "HATCH" of energy I have yet to discover.

can you tell I am so into "LOST"? cuz I am. J is a LOST widow.

Monday, March 2


I went out flying with a friend. He took me over LA. This is one of the pictures that I took. I hope I have another chance to get some better images. The haze over LA is intense. Its a much better place from the air than on the ground.

Thanks B. for taking me up in your flying machine. It was really nice.

Wednesday, February 25

Robert Downy, Jr.

I saw a picture of him at the Oscars, looked like he was having a good time as in having a belly laugh good time. Don't know if this inspired my dream or not... The saga continues.

I was in my kitchen making some coffee or something. It was early morning. All of the sudden I looked down and there was a huge pile of rocks or grounds or something black on the floor. Surrounding it was a swarm of robotic bugs. They just kept reproducing. As my friend Carol was helping me clean them up, she was exclaiming, "They just keep coming! And multiplying." We were furiously sweeping them up. I moved to the other side of the room. Looking down I saw a gold fish bowl broken. Part of the bowl was still filled with water and the fish was in there... still alive. I took a deep breath and wondered where I was going to put the fish. I heard footsteps.

In walks Robert Downy Jr. in a white thermal T with some flannel pants. I was thinking, DAMN my kitchen is a mess and I look like SHIT! He starts talking to me about his relationship. How he isn't sure that he wants to be with this woman he is dating, wants my advice. I look down at the floor and see the bugs still multiplying, and look up at him saying, "You're Robert Downey Jr. man! Suck it up! Tell her how you feel! What do you really want?"

He laughed out loud saying, "Yea. Just be honest. I hear ya."

In walks that comedian with the red hair that had all the plastic surgery done, forget her name, she starts bitching at him calling him a slacker etc. He laughs and says, "I am not ready for a relationship, and even if I was it wouldn't be with you."

He looked at me thankfully and left with a warm cup of coffee. I continued to clean up the bugs and put the fish in a new bowl. I realized that I was glad I had the gift of bestowing some wisdom on people.

After thoughts: I couldn't figure out where the bugs were coming from though. I think it was from a real conversation I had with J. yesterday about nano technology, and robots that are going to be injected for surgical/repair work on the human body. That's totally out of control.

Monday, February 23

Tuesday, February 17

Nasa and Blue Aliens

Dreaming again. I was sitting in a building with some friends. Up in the sky were small aircrafts that had the NASA logo. We sat back watching them searching for something. I didn't know what it was in the beginning. Then I saw a strange space ship emerge, but none of my other friends saw it. Then, a blue man came out of the ship landing on the ground in front of us. I immediately hid behind a bush to watch. The man crouched down behind some equipment. When the coast was clear of the NASA people, he bolted across the field and disappeared. I ran over to the closest Nasa vehicle i could find, saying did you catch him?

"Catch who?' said the representative.

"The blue man" I replied.

"You saw something?" she said

"Of course. Didn't you?" i laughed while saying.

Ok simple speech for a scientist, but thats how it went. She proceeded to ask me a bunch of questions, which I answered in my typical sarcastic way. Then she decided I needed to be recruited, because I could see aliens and they couldn't. She offered me a job.

Heck yea I would take it! What a Cool job, I was thinking. My next thought was how much are they going to pay me? That's GOT to be worth something. The only person that can see this particular alien and who knows what other kinds.

Women in Black? Or should it be purple?

dreams rock.

Tuesday, February 10

A new day

When you find a real love, is it a reflection of yourself or is it a completion of yourself? I went away for the weekend. It was peaceful and non-dramatic. I found a spot inside myself I have not seen in a long time. I spent some time questioning if I wanted to love again. Am I truly ready to put myself outside the wall. And the wonderful thing is that I heard the same thing come out of the other persons mouth at almost the same time.

Its so peaceful to be on the same page with someone and feel a calm excitement. Its powerful. Its moving forward. Its what we both deserve. Why all the questions?

Monday, February 2


I know what I feel and where I want things to go. I also know that I have never ended up with what I have wanted out of life, so why would I think this is going to work out either?

My faith is currently being tortured. No matter where I put it, I feel like its in the middle of a tornado being wind torn and shredded by the flying debris surrounding it.

My psychic Lori says Mercury is in retrograde and things will get better. I do have faith in Lori, but she has been wrong before too.

We all have free will. I have to find my strength in myself again and everything else will follow. Please God. I just need a break. Some peace and forgiveness for my stupidity. I mean I am human after all. I need a revitalization.

Please show me how to get back there.

Wednesday, January 28

Feeling it out.

I do pick up on energy that surrounds me. I had strange dreams last night that left me feeling vulnerable today. It was a feeling of being observed by forces that can't truly perceive. I know that I was being judged. The comfort of a situation has come to an end. I am again alone in the elements fending for myself. Fighting for a security that should come from inside.

Dreams awaken a part of my consciousness that is ethereal and travels ahead of my physical being. I am fighting the urge to dump it all and run. Leave the one that is watching me to see what I will do. Run towards the comfort of my own mermaid lair to be in the peace of my art. Time to remind myself that my own heart always gives me joy. No matter, unless this person is open he wont ever really see it all, for I am the one hiding some aspects in protection of a heart that gives too much.

These two songs are sticking out in my head today. Both named She's Got a Way. When will i honor that woman? She deserves to be honored.

She's Got a Way ~ Bryan Adams

She's Got a Way ~ Billy Joel

My loving lady friends, embrace the beauty. We are strong, tender, empathetic, enigmatic, revealing, healing and beautiful in every aspect. Perpetuate those characteristics and the day is yours.

peace. dream sweetly.

Thursday, January 22


I am only on Season Three... I am a slacker. I envy those walking around in the glow of the season premiere.. damn aristocrats.

Tuesday, January 20

A New Era

I am a-political. I hate politics and the governing powers that attempt to make our lives better through their own character flaws and expectations. I am incapable of dealing with people who think they "know better" than others, when in my vision we are all here to assist one another. Thats the way of nature. We need to live in balance and harmony with all things around us. Learning where the needs are and how to feed those needs without greed or expectation. Today I am pleased to say I am semi-excited to see what will change for us as Americans. Today our elected president was inaugurated into office.

The truth is that he is a much better speaker than any president we have had in my lifetime, maybe since Kennedy. I believe that anyone who quotes one of the greatest men in our history, Abraham Lincoln, is going to open eyes and attempt to accomplish great things. That kind of energy and positive aggression will be change. His enthusiasm will spark ideas and concepts in many that may finally feel they can contribute.

Congratulations to our new President. My challenge to you; Provide us with the tools we as a nation need to make these changes and your visions will be revealed in action. I have hope again.

Thursday, January 15

Dreams ~ Blog Off

I am attempting to catch up with my cousin in the new year! Thursday blog off's. This week's theme is dreams. Thankfully this month's dreams have been chock full of symbolism. And dreaming about a friend. Last night was no different. We were at the Car Wash. Washing the car, etc. then some romping around after hours. But that's not what Blog is about. :cheesygrin:

I am going to talk about a dream come true, moving to California. I prayed all my life to live by the ocean and now? I live in one of the greatest cities I have seen. And I moved here with less than 500 to my name. In a Nissan that is now a commanding presence in someone else's life. (He is enjoying the magic of the bullet car. And it will create magic for him too.)

I wake up smiling in a ridiculously cheap (and roomy) two bedroom apartment for my area. I have a cute little Leo child to dress and steer towards the stars. We get in the new car and listen to music. The road to his "alternative school" is next to the mountains that are washed pink in the sunrise coming from over the ocean. He is learning his own style of life in a "Montessori style" public school. Comes home using the words like "dude" and "NO Way, that is so cool." Creating magic out of cardboard and tape. Learning to read in Kindergarten instead of first grade. Wanting to learn and not come home from school. I can't say that I ever felt that way about my school. He is one of the main reasons I traveled to this place on a prayer and it stuck.

I have an artistic dream of my own that I will accomplish. I know I will get over being lazy and attack this idea. It will be successful once I set my mind on the path. I know it will attract the kind of people that I need to help me, because all I have done to get here and be here has "yes" around it. I have met some of the nicest people. Don't get me wrong this town is full of snobs and haters, but I have set myself in situations where I don't have to deal with too many of them (yet).

Finally, where is the love? There is a strong feeling of being in a holding pattern on that one, but the flight will land when its time. All of life is a process. There are things I have to get past before I can get to the love I deserve, as does the "other". The peace I seek is involved in its own flight pattern of rebuilding self worth and trust. Finding their own dream till we meet in the middle. Realizing that the future is ours. And a smile is all we wear when its dark.

A dream is a wish your heart makes. I made a wish the other night when someone wasn't looking. With a teardrop sliding down my face, I felt the wish slide deep into my heart, trying to keep it warm until that dream is also a part of my daily life.

Dreams are what we have when we feel hopeless and alone in these trying times. Remember to focus on your own. Nothing is out of reach if you believe in it and work towards it. Open your mind to your dreams and know that help is everywhere. Be the hand that helps others. You will find a smile and an answer to a dream you didn't even realize you had.

Now. that's my BS. Check out my CUZ's entry. He is a better writer than me. I don't hold that against him at all!

where is the KORN!? *giggles at her bad private joke.*

Wednesday, January 14

Butterfly in the Net


This week I have felt like a butterfly in a net or under the bowl. As I try to fly, I am being dragged back under the net. As soon as I see this particular flower and I fly, I end up hitting the wall. Time to change my perspective.

monkey to man... :whistle:

Monday, January 12

Show your Face

Delurking Day! just say hi. thats it. Hope all are having prosperous new years in these tricky financial times.

thing I thought today:
His voice is water that quenches my thirst. melanie mitchell © 2009

Saturday, January 10

Expressing Emotions

Expressing emotions is like bailing water out of a boat for me. I know that if I do not let out the buildup of unspoken feelings, the ship will sink. I know that in reality, if I can't or wont deal with the inner problems I face they manifest in physical form. Ischemic colitis has been the worst manifestation of these suppressed truths. I have a friend I know that feels very deeply in many ways, but he says to me, I don't express my emotions. hm...

I had a dream about that person. He came to my apartment a few times in the interval of this dream. Although his mouth opened, he was unable to tell me what he was feeling. The next image he was wandering down the tree lined dirt path off to a castle. I feared there would be a dragon to slay before he arrived, but I knew that he had the courage to face it as he was filled with the unspoken truths of his life.

The next day while having a beer with this person I saw this painting. Wow. I really need to get on this symbolism thing ASAP!

Life is on hold sometimes when involved with people on their own time table. The next self examination should include a pattern of "How can I utilize my time to best serve me?" That is when the greatest good will come.

my post secret: I am "terrified" of success. Stone, cold, terrified.

Thursday, January 8

Dear Cousin

To my Cuz....

I apologize to you immensely for dropping the ball. I have a notorious history of getting self involved and forgetting the world. If you accept my apology can we resume the candor and retort blogs?

I hope you accept and remain my friend despite my lack of empathy and attention. Happy New Year. Its going to be the BEST!


Wednesday, January 7

How it Happens

Today I brought in the book mentioned in the previous post, the ARTISTS WAY. My coworker was walking by my desk, she says, " NO. You aren't going to start that now are you? I was just going to start reading that book and going down that path again!"

I responded, " I have had this book for a few months and just getting to it. I am excited."

K says, "It really works. Lets meet once a week at my house and we can do it together."

Me says, "Praise the universe! Ok then."

Affirmation that the path I am walking is the right one. Maybe its just January thats motivating or maybe its a combination of many desires. Today? I know that I am marching towards the right castle. And I am going to gain insight along the way.

Thanks Universe! I am grateful for support.

Tuesday, January 6


I spend a lot of time listening to music or reading online blogs, news, facebook, etc. I was reading an article I found on one of my fav spots, da faddah. There was an interview he had with another writer. In their conversation they both mentioned the best method to becoming a better writer was to read, read, read, until your eyes bleed!

To that note? I haven't read a book in almost a year. I have two books on my shelf I am dying to read. One I almost finished reading by Christopher Moore, A Dirty Job. The other is this little workbook.

Time to pick up The Artists Way and start practicing some reading and art. I feel like I have been in a creative wasteland long enough.

Has anyone else attempted this? The morning pages? Curious.

Monday, January 5

This is the Day

I had a long holiday vacation. From Dec 23 to Jan 4th, nothing but resting, sleeping, eating and taking it easy. Its awesome when most of the laundry is flannel and lounge-wear. A lot of money was spent on food and booze. I enjoyed spending time with family and friends.

Now its back to work, which is better than imagined. My IPod selection helps. Having a new boss is beneficial. The child back at school is a GREAT thing! I look forward to a NEW year. Thats something that hasn't been in my vision for a long time. I have cleared up all my previous debts and money owed. A fresh start. Having people to share that with is a bonus as well.

Now to find a nitch for the creativity. I need that back in a big way. I promise that I will try to make consistent entries for my own self preservation! stay tuned.

This is the day your life will surely change... :wink:

Friday, January 2

New Years Eve

It always seems that New Years Eve reflects the past and the future for me. It has to be my favorite holiday. It began with friends, vodka and enchiladas. It ended with a walk on the beach with my good friend.

Does the beginning of the New Year reflect what is going to come? I hope so. I felt comfortable, happy and satisfied.