There are many ways of breaking a heart. Stories were full of hearts broken by love,
but what really broke a heart was taking away its dream - whatever that dream might be.
Pearl S. Buck

Friday, May 15


I am the WORST eavesdropper ever. Or should I say the BEST? I do listen to what people talk about. There is always a lot of good information spread around between others if you are paying attention.

Our company has recently moved from offices to cubes. Its called "GLOBALIZATION". Since the 80's, when I had a brief stint working for Ernst & Young in Dallas, I have heard this term. Its been "revolutionizing" (heh) the way companies portray themselves. They call it a unified look, and often refer to the "Coca Cola" branding as an example. My company has followed suit. The results? We are in a maze of cubes. Now, in our little 3 ft wall rat maze, you over hear more conversations. Oh yes. More laughter and inside jokes. More "I love you baby" and what did the dog/kid do NOW?

Today, I was eavesdropping on my new gal neighbor in my division talking to her real estate agent about selling her condo and laying out the specifics of the house they are looking for in order to grow their family. Hearing those words made me so melancholy and sad (although I am happy for her). I started day dreaming of a backyard where my son can play on the swing set. A place to bust his lip falling off it. Scraping his knees after falling off his bike. Climbing trees and building a tree house. Planting seeds together and watching them become carrots or tomatoes or even flowers. Then, I remembered all the times I loved escaping my house into the "outdoors" and just breathing and growing up with nature. Exploring insect life. Watching the clouds roll by. Creating adventures through imagination and opportunity to roam freely and safely within walking distance of the kitchen.

I don't know that I will ever be successful enough as a single mom to provide my son with home that has a yard and a basketball court. I pray every day that I can (like my coworker said to her realtor and I said to man I love during a conversation) provide the kind of upbringing that I had. With a yard to BBQ in and crank the ice cream maker. And set off illegal firecrackers.

Come on LOTTO numbers! I need a house big enough for GrandParents too... :D

Thursday, May 14


Transmission is slipping, AGAIN. Its the third time for the transmission in three or four months. I also woke up this morning and there was a flat tire. I think the bearings on the front rods have something wrong with them because the tires are wearing out quickly. Another issue. If the insurance doesn't take care of all of this, I don't know what I am going to do. I can't keep up with the car repair costs.

I have a date with my man tonight. I think its the first time we have been alone without the A-man since January. Yea. For a few precious hours we can be quiet and reflect. Nice!!!!

Wednesday, May 13


I am angry with myself because I am bored at my job. I am in fear of jeopardizing it. I work on finding ways to get past the boredom and nothing is helping. I don ‘t feel encouraged about my work. I don’t feel supported in finding new things to do. It’s a good job with good people. The work is not difficult and its barely creative. It is BORING ME TO DEATH.

I am capable of much more. This stagnation is depressing me. I am trying to find ways to educate myself on software programs etc. that I use at my job. I am getting NO help from my boss in doing this. When I mention it he basically blows me off (ie: ignores my questions, evades an answer, changes the subject, etc.) How is THAT encouraging to want to work for someone?

This morning I even considered filing for disability so that I could get some free time to explore becoming more artistic in my work efforts. I don’t feel like I am helping anyone with the attitude I have now. That HAS to change for my mental and physical health.

I pray today will be the day that I can step up and make things different for me.