There are many ways of breaking a heart. Stories were full of hearts broken by love,
but what really broke a heart was taking away its dream - whatever that dream might be.
Pearl S. Buck

Sunday, December 27

the tree and social services

I had a dream last night that my boyfriend was leaving for his job. he had woken me up. when I was walking to the kitchen I noticed that he had moved all the furniture out of the house. I was asking him why and he wasn't giving me any answers. I walked after him trying to get some answers, then he said something about another christmas tree and having to work. I tried to call him as he was walking out the door, but saw him get into his bosses car. As I was going to the kitchen to grab the broom to clean up the apartment, i noticed that my sisters ex-husband Hutch was wandering about my apartment. I mentioned this situation to him and he just grunted and was his usual apathetic towards others self. I grabbed a broom and started sweeping, but nothing was coming up easily.

I went outside to try and clean the broom, and look for the furniture. when I wandered back to the house I noticed a bunch of people had come to my house. They were from Social Services. They took me outside while they looked around my house. They asked me a bunch of questions about the furniture, and also about why I had all these things around, when was I going to get rid of them. It was a strange interview, there were about 20 of them all together. They said they were going to be there all day and I asked them if they expected me to feed the them lunch, of course they said. I laughed. Then we went to their offices. I arrived at the building and there were 2 men in black on the roof top with binoculars and microphones. Then we somehow climbed to the top of that building and there were 3 beauty queen contestants there with elbow length gloves and tiara;s. The interviewer said of them, your friends came because they wanted to help you.

We walked into the seemingly empty building and it was a college/school/library. As we walked past all the classrooms, there were children, young and old, and teachers. Behind these rooms were the offices. I had an armload of personal items with me that I just noticed. The man who was my main interrogator asked me to wait. I sat down in an examination area and started writing a journal on clear plastic cellophane. Then all kinds of baby animals appeared; a duck, a kitten, then he came back and asked me to follow him. Thats when I realized i had a journal, so i decided to use that to write in. Then my son woke me up!

Could dreams be any weirder?

Wednesday, December 23


I had a huge meltdown last night. I am tired of being "angry". Maybe its time to get to the root of exactly WHY I am angry. Can anyone offer me a "process"? I would love some alone time and I mean ALL alone time. I don't get that very much. if ever... See what I mean? Angry. Time to set up some fences and sit in the middle to think, process and alleviate my clutter.

Watch for happier thoughts tomorrow.

Tuesday, December 22

Cheer UP

Looks like no extra's from work this year. Belt tightening and all! I am just super happy to have a job that offers me good benefits and a place to escape to a few hours a day. And I get to be creative sometimes!

Here is to a better 2010. I know many others are praying for the same thing. I predict a baby boom in 2010... when people don't have money what else do they do?


Monday, December 21

Snowy Ride

Ok. Dreamtime revelation AGAIN!

Some friends asked me to go out with them, and they insisted upon driving. We went to a bar and were having a good time. For some reason they all wandered off and left me at the bar alone. I looked around and the couple that gave me a ride there were schmooozing up some guy who was a celebrity or something. I went back up to the bar to get a drink and it became dusk. As I looked outside it was snowing... I screamed Look everyone snow!!! Everyone squeeled and ran outside to dance around in it. By the time I grabbed my camera, everyone had come back in and the snow had slowed down. I was only a bit disappointed.

I realized it was getting late and people were leaving. When I went to look for my friends they were not inside. So i gathered my things and wandered out into the parking lot standing in the snow looking for them. They were indeed heading out with this man in their jeep... laughing and looking at me. When i walked out in front of the Jeep they were all making excuses why I couldn't have a ride with them. I thought, what the heck am I going to do now? I was confused and angry so I set out after them. I was livid.. I had NO money for a cab, much less one that was as far away from the bar as their house was, but took one there expecting to get the money from the couple that left me. I would have driven my car had i known that thy would leave me.

I finally arrived at this couple's door and she opened up the door saying, "You know how long I have been looking for a decent job, and this person can give it to me. If you do anything to mess up this night I am going to never forgive you."

I said, "Why would I do that? I mean the only thing I would say is that you basically left me after you said you would give me a ride both ways!" She sighed and let me in.

When I went into the house, there were a lot of people getting out sheets and pillows getting ready to pass out! I felt so abandoned and left out. I was greeted warmly by most of them, but at this point all I wanted to do was get out of there. So I said hello to the male half of this couple and exchanged some words, I headed back out into the storm to drive.

The dream has been sitting with me all morning and the look on that woman's face really is haunting me. Why would I be someone that would be seen as someone to destroy someone else's chances at something when I didn't do anything wrong? Am I feeling that life is unfair? maybe. Honestly I don't feel that way nearly as much as I did in my youth. hm.

I am looking forward to sleeping again to get that image out of my head. oh yea!

Wednesday, December 16

I love my phone, i hate my phone

The love/hate relationship I have with my phone... do you have that twitch? Always looking for text messages? Soaring your thumbs across the qwerty keyboard to type words back in response that fly into the phone-osphere?? I find that I have been leaving my phone in the car or at home more often, as I don't want to be distracted from being in the "now". I refuse to be one of those people walking down the street staring at my PHONE instead of seeing the paradise around me. I also don't want to miss hearing the music in everyday sounds.

I received the original G1 phone last year as a Christmas gift from my parents. I will not purposefully upgrade for a couple more years as I love this mini computer. Its pretty durable too, since I put a hard red shell cover over it. An amazing little piece of technology, with its touch screen and qwerty keyboard. I don't brag to my I-Phone friends because of course their opinion is nothing beats an I-Phone. I understand that attraction/bonding with Apple Products because I am a Mac user. But I am going to one up those snobby IPhoners with this app.

Google Sky.

Its much more interesting and than text messaging and guess what? (wait for it)

Now you can find Uranus.... *giggle*

Thursday, December 10


We have been moved into cube land, my work/pod mates and me. It was and still is a rough adjustment. Sometimes I would like to be in my own world without having to drone out others conversations by forcing music into my ears and brains most of the day.

On a positive note? I sit by the window. It has given me a new avenue to finding some new tunes by reviewing podcasts and shared lists on Itunes. I love ITunes.

yea. sing it to me swell season!

Tuesday, December 8


Maybe I am not practical enough to be a mother. I don't seem to be able to meet specific timing issues. Always been a problem. Comes from my core belief that time is irrelevant. Its a measurement used to keep track of what we are doing where we are going etc. All of life happens whether we measure it or not. I find it highly amusing that we pretend to control that aspect of the universe.

That being said, I realize its "importance" to my relationship with others living here. And when it comes to cooking, or the amount of distance I can travel in a time frame. Where to meet and "when". Even after I say those practical applications, I still find it amusing. My mother and others may say, "You are using that as an excuse to not be on time, or do things in a timely manner." Thats because I am having to do these things on YOUR time frame.

Anyway... I find that my disregard of time and the necessity of getting things done in alloted time frames are impractical when it comes to raising a child. Doesn't mean I will become any better at working the "system of time". Just means that I need a little clock with bells that ring at intervals to make sure I am moving to the beat of another's schedule.

someday... i will have a hut and NO CLOCKS ALLOWED!!!! Come visit me there. I will be a happy little guru. :-p

Thursday, December 3

Scary Dream

I hate having disturbing images in my dreams. It happens frequently. After all the years I have had them, i am only slightly desensitized to them. This one wasn't really spooky, but the image in my head wouldn't leave. It kept me awake for a little while and when I did go back to sleep it still wasn't out of my head. whew...

You want to know don't you? I was in a shop/restaurant/hotel sort of place somewhere. The person at the counter said, watch out for those two over there. I said why? They are always up to something. Today they seem to be bent on torturing themselves with carving tools...

Sure enough I look over and one of the girls is peeling off her skin with a carving tool, making detailed scrolls, not deeply, just a quarter inch into her skin. NO BLOOD! the other girl had a hollow tube and was making swirls up and down her legs... carving away at herself. I could see the areas where the flesh was gone, almost to the bone. Again, NO BLOOD or organs showing. It was like watching wax figures carving themselves up. Making no noises, except a few words to one another while they were "decorating" they called it.

I tried to not look and you know how that goes. I couldn't help but LOOK!!!!! thats when I said in my sleepy brain, you have to wake up, and i did. Read a few words, then made myself forget it and went back to sleep.

Surreal baby... I should have known that first dream I remember as a child that it was going to be a surreal life. I dreamt that I lived in a cave and was the last woman on earth... and I was responsible for procreating a new world... I was maybe 6. yea. scary.

Life is never boring for me. Thank you UNIVERSE!!! i appreciate that gift. more as it evolves.

Happy weekends!

Hey did you see the post below about my book? yea. Check it OUT!

Wednesday, December 2


Things that happened in the last couple of days (and weeks) are unexpected. Surprise, sorrow, accomplishment, anger and joy. I realized I have felt settled into a "mudane" just following the responsibility sort of life. I used to be a huge firelight that was ignited daily by anything I saw in nature. I am the one that has let the fire go out, and coming back from the semi-dead is a difficult wall to climb. I have a son that needs me to be alive. I have a lot left to dish out and accomplish. Can't give in to the "weary" demon any longer.

One more lab test. Then a procedure to schedule. A bunch more pictures to draw... and a new beginning I feel will be coming in the next year. Am I prepared? My dreams tell me there are a few land-mine's that will trip me up. I have to remember to keep paying attention, forgive myself for mistakes, and learn when someone is blowing smoke to gain their own footing. My biggest challenge will be finding a place to have some alone time to CREATE! I have a child and man-child that suck the life energy out of me. I need a closet with white walls, directional lighting, paints, pencil, eraser and paper. And a few tacks.

Tis time for a new beginning.. and my mind and body are preparing for that, in dreams and reality.

OH and please... Order the book. we have 25 more to sell before we can break even on the "costs".

Thank you so much for your support... emotionally and otherwise. peace and gratitude.