There are many ways of breaking a heart. Stories were full of hearts broken by love,
but what really broke a heart was taking away its dream - whatever that dream might be.
Pearl S. Buck

Monday, February 28

Fund Raiser - Please Help

Ok everyone. My son's school (The Open Alternative School) is having a Fund Raiser and I need donations. Anything you can spare would be nice. I also have tickets for sale for kids and adults.

Please contact me if there is anything you can think of to donate. Thanks for your assistance.

Sunday, February 27


decided to not like me. i like me and my music choices. I do like you. more than you know.


someone reminded me i am only worth as much as i let myself be. i love all of you. Its a promise. When i open myself to others, and allow vulnerability, i suffer. I won't change it. and i wont let you take advantage of me.

I will miss you dear one. i do love you, but i wont suffer your limitations or your disregard of me.

Friday, February 25

it has to be me

Talking to a friend today, or someone I thought was my friend, and I confessed something. He set me straight on the fact its my responsibility. He also reminded me, never take less than what you deserve (in his way). We can all eat garbage if we have to, but no body wants to. The people who dig through it to find their treasure, that's not their ultimate desire. I hope anyway.

The thing that intrigues me mostly is when I see one of my beloved friends digging through the trash, I desire to stop them. I wish I had more friends like me. I am not great, I am just THERE. Just there with a tool belt of wisdom, insight and love.


I walked into a gallery today and saw a painting today that looked exactly like a painting that is hanging in my friends apartment in NY that I painted. The artist was a "famous" abstract artist from the 60's- 70's. The gallery "informant" said, the artist was a major influence in the abstract art movement. Wheels are turning. I had to stop and examine his work The painting that i was drawn to was almost an EXACT painting i did in 1980 or so. What is my next move? Am I capable of inspiring?

yes. find the path. and keep smiling dear melanie. people love your smile. don't sell it for less than its worth.

Monday, February 21

A Friend

I met a man one day that changed how I thought about New Yorkers. I was young, naive and lost. He was a friend of another friend. He was an addict. What impressed me about him the most? He was the most generous man I had met at that moment, out side of my daddy. He was kinder to me than the man I was living with. He resonated spirituality and generosity. He wasn't a stable being, but he was consistent.

He taught me many things about how men should treat women. He was a man, a mentor, and a friend. He never suspected his worth. He always treated me with respect. ALWAYS. NO matter what state he was in, he knew what people of worth were worth.

To this day, I regret I never told him what he meant to me. The day after I heard of his death, I heard this song on the radio. I had to pull off the freeway and cry for at LEAST a half hour. Every time I hear this song, I cry for my dear friend. He was singular. I can't even write this without crying.

I was his friend. I am his memory. It's not the one I would wish for him, but worth is worth. I wish more people had felt that for him. He was so kind, and non-judgmental. He reinforced so many of my beliefs. I was educated by his choices. He was left alone dead on the floor by the woman he was seeing at the time. I pray in his next life he wont abandon himself or be abandoned.

"And I thank the Lord there's people out there like you
I thank the Lord there's people out there like you
While Mona Lisa's and Mad Hatters
Sons of bankers, sons of lawyers
Turn around and say good morning to the night
For unless they see the sky
But they can't and that is why
They know not if it's dark outside or light"

Sunday, February 20

Defining a moment

All my life I have found amazing things and then lost them. All my life I have loved deeply. It’s not an option; it’s who I am. I am not sure that fits most people’s definition of love. I may not be the person who collects souvenirs, but I do understand their value. I may not be the person who follows tradition, but I know that new traditions may be my life’s value. I may not be the most beautiful person on the outside, but inside I mean something to everyone that sees me, good or bad. I think that sticking with knowing myself has hardened me in a lot of ways. Choosing to be a single mom reminds me of that stubbornness. I haven’t ever really suffered. I am still not sure I know who I am, but that may just be instability of my physical circumstance in the now. I have been stubborn to stick by my choices always. I choose to believe in people, no matter what. Even when they lie to me and let me down. I had an affirmation on Friday from an ex of the decision I made there. Ty John. Xo.

I am basically just trying to hang on. Find a path. Enjoy every moment. Learn that no matter what, joy and sorrow are bed partners and not to be despaired by that. How to not over react to my son. Appreciate the family I have (immediate and extended) and let them know I love them.

In a moment of clarity today (which I think most of us struggle with) after a conversation with a very conditional person, I realized something. No one persons conditions drive any one else’s lives. We live as we are. It might be easier the other way, but each person’s joy is based on his or her wants, and that’s what makes life beautiful. We just need to learn to communicate. In any moment, and not take things personally.

I wrote a sentence to myself today. And I felt so centered when I wrote it. I think I will read it every time I start to treat myself with guilt and shame. “I allow myself to appreciate all my experiences no matter how bad without feeling shame and I will trust myself and my inner voice.”

Feel free to do that for yourself. You will help me and everyone you meet as well. We need each other. Stop trying to find differences. Find similarities. You wont lose a thing by doing this. You will only gain.

Tuesday, February 15


so fucked up.

you find what you want but you can't touch it. and the people you love and that love you are too far apart to touch each other. and maybe i am wrong about everything, but mostly? i am right.

i can learn. can i get an amen!? *giggle*

Wednesday, February 9

self image

I have been working on this all my life. I feel like i am making strides towards acceptance and love of myself. right now all thing wrong are slamming me. its a test to realize I am worthy, lovely, sexy and accomplished.

join me in the affirmation chant! ty.

i love this song.

and the words are pretty innocuous.

but it always feels good to say fu when you can!

Tuesday, February 8

my car

died... poor thing. I will miss you little blue car. you served us well...

Sunday, February 6

New Neighbor

I have a new neighbor. He is from NY. He is an ROTC trainer. And so nice, good for him. Its going to be a really weird adjustment for him to adapt to a CA lifestyle. Anyone that has ever experienced the edge of the US continent in CA will understand.

This is paradise, as long as you let go and allow. i fear he is incapable of it. but its not my life. we are all lead to where we should be. I pray he will open his windows and doors and let the world in. its all we have. god, we are so fortunate to be in so cal.

I don't know my part. I know I can help him. and so I travel forth.