There are many ways of breaking a heart. Stories were full of hearts broken by love,
but what really broke a heart was taking away its dream - whatever that dream might be.
Pearl S. Buck

Sunday, February 20

Defining a moment

All my life I have found amazing things and then lost them. All my life I have loved deeply. It’s not an option; it’s who I am. I am not sure that fits most people’s definition of love. I may not be the person who collects souvenirs, but I do understand their value. I may not be the person who follows tradition, but I know that new traditions may be my life’s value. I may not be the most beautiful person on the outside, but inside I mean something to everyone that sees me, good or bad. I think that sticking with knowing myself has hardened me in a lot of ways. Choosing to be a single mom reminds me of that stubbornness. I haven’t ever really suffered. I am still not sure I know who I am, but that may just be instability of my physical circumstance in the now. I have been stubborn to stick by my choices always. I choose to believe in people, no matter what. Even when they lie to me and let me down. I had an affirmation on Friday from an ex of the decision I made there. Ty John. Xo.

I am basically just trying to hang on. Find a path. Enjoy every moment. Learn that no matter what, joy and sorrow are bed partners and not to be despaired by that. How to not over react to my son. Appreciate the family I have (immediate and extended) and let them know I love them.

In a moment of clarity today (which I think most of us struggle with) after a conversation with a very conditional person, I realized something. No one persons conditions drive any one else’s lives. We live as we are. It might be easier the other way, but each person’s joy is based on his or her wants, and that’s what makes life beautiful. We just need to learn to communicate. In any moment, and not take things personally.

I wrote a sentence to myself today. And I felt so centered when I wrote it. I think I will read it every time I start to treat myself with guilt and shame. “I allow myself to appreciate all my experiences no matter how bad without feeling shame and I will trust myself and my inner voice.”

Feel free to do that for yourself. You will help me and everyone you meet as well. We need each other. Stop trying to find differences. Find similarities. You wont lose a thing by doing this. You will only gain.

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