Yesterday I was talking with a true friend about that day. She asked me if I had sent you a message telling you all the things I thought about our encounter. I have sent you thoughts, but I also I know I haven't revealed my true feelings to you. I have tried. I let your lack of connection or response guide my actions. My heart is guarded, I blame history and I label it damage control. If I choose to live there, what will I get in return? The same. A cold hell that only echos a voice of longing and desire, with none of the vibrations being able to exit that room. Sad lonely tones of my own voice, saying where are you? Where did you go? I deserve that voice to be heard and bring back a hero, a friend, a comrade. Time to be brave.
No matter what becomes of it, that day mattered. It was intense for me. The tingling joy I felt when I heard your voice for the first time. The anticipation and laughter in our voices as we walked down the path towards each other. The words you spoke sounded like you had plucked them right out of my brain. The amazement at how that hasn't happened to me in a very very long time, if ever. Being nervous about disappointing you, what was my body going to be covered in? Would my energy be pleasing to you? How should I greet you? Running up and jumping into your arms might not be the right way to enter it, but I felt like doing just that. And yet I held back. A societal call on my part.
As I sat watching you prepare things, I couldn't stop watching you work, thinking how lovely to watch someone so intent on purpose. Your hands mesmerized me. I watched and wondered about all the things those hands had done in their lifetime. Who they touched, what they created, how they would feel. Seeing how much you enjoyed the process of what you were doing made me realize you have deep passion. Listening to you tell the stories of your life was like listening to my own story. I just wanted to sit on that blanket and soak it all in for a long time. The confirmation that what I felt with you before that moment wasn't a figment of my imagination or a misguided hope. Isn't life wonderful? I thought that over and over again. Even the gloom couldn't douse that light.
I have often thought about going to pick up a pair of wool socks, because, that was genius man, pure genius. And it would be a permanent reminder of that wonderful day. I wanted to snuggle up to you and really get close, but I kept hearing a voice saying, go slowly. He wants slowly. Go slowly into that dark night. Maybe that was you or maybe a friend keeping me safe.
The fire finally went out, the babysitter kept sending me messages and we had to exit. I have to share something with you about that walk on the beach back to the car under the blanket. There is nothing I wanted more than to be under that blanket with you, but I kept falling off the sand ridge! And the rock? wow... I would have stayed there on your arm, but... that could have led to all kinds of being late for the babysitter. You seemed very frustrated at that moment, and I didn't want us to soak that in. I avoided the sexual innuendo walking up the stairs because I am not sure you know me yet. And the privilege of getting to know me better does come with perks. I can't be there without some sign of interest in who I am inside first.
As we reached the top of the stairs, you continued to share your life with me. How FUN it was to laugh and watch your face light up with all you had done, what you knew about that moment and where it was taking you the next day. I felt privileged that you felt close enough to me to share that with me. Such an honor. I laughed and laughed. And honestly? I would have flashed that guy's camera! HA! I was so happy you bent down to kiss me. I wasn't sure you had wanted to up until that very moment. Man I wish that could have lasted a lot longer, stupid babysitter.
I did NOT want to leave. I wanted to talk and laugh until all hours of the night maybe even have a cup of coffee so we could get even closer. Alas, I will need another opportunity for that to happen. And in this very moment, I have faith you may, but not a lot of evidence that will be what happens. Maybe you didn't enjoy yourself, and were just being polite. Maybe you had already met someone else and she gave you something I didn't or couldn't. But maybe or no maybe, I am here telling my side of the story because even if you don't come back, my integrity and honesty will bring me to where I need to be much more quickly. And you my dear friend deserve to know how much you mean to me. Even if I only knew you for a week or two. I wish you all the joy and love life can bring to you. I am sending all the good energy I can to you for your recovery and whatever lucky girl is a part of your life right now.
Just know, you are on my mind. I think I made that clear enough and was my intent with this post. YOU are on my mind.
When all of your tears dry, let your troubles roll by. Carbon Leaf.
a similar read for those that enjoy my writing... the companion.