Tuesday, February 28
Today during my yoga class i saw an image of a person balled up in the corner in darkness... I was curious to see who it was. I approached this figure in my "vision" trying to shine a light on him... (felt like a man or a boy). I had a candle or some kind of torch in my hand, and walked up to this figure. Every time I tried to lighten up this face, it turned... put its back to me, the light was deflected. I felt helpless... as I am sure this figure did. I decided to walk away and back to my space/light.
After being back to center, i felt a set of eyes looking at me and this face came into the light. Not sure who it is still, but definitely a man and definitely someone that is seeking my help to get out of the dark.
hellooooooo?????? echo... come on out here so we can fix this thing!
Monday, February 27
I remember part of the dream involving some artwork that needed being done. Part, I was at a resort working, it was winter time and we had to secure the upstairs of a hotel for some reason! That part of the dream felt the most comforting, as everyone at that moment was selfless, laughing and really accomplishing something despite the odds.
Another part of the dream I was in an RV by the ocean with some other misfits. A huge tsunami (why is that word spelled with a t?) came in and our RV was floating. For some reason I had climbed up on top and was safe. I remember bouncing around like it was a top, and reaching for a good male friend who had been on the ground painting at the time and was floating around in the turbulent waters (yea i caught him, and pulled him to safety). I felt HUGELY relieved that he was back on the bus with us. It was nice to feel that everyone was safe.
At one point I was cruising through the airport, preparing for a departure. It was a trial run through this family member was putting me through. I was wearing heels, and had to take them off. I was severely "buggered" that this chic was making me hike across the airport at that moment because it was 24 hours before my flight, if not more. But a purpose all the same.
Final segment was spent with a man, someone that I don't really know, and we were in bed together. Interesting that we were outside in bed and the weather was very cold. That whole process with him was like WORK, and I remember feeling extremely frustrated with his callous behavior. His inability to find a way to make me feel wanted or was happy/appreciated that I was there placed the final straw and I got out of there. Post haste.
Dreams; an every night reminder that my mind has a lot of information sifting through it, and sometimes I don't even gather how much till my body is at rest. I used to remember them all. Now only half the time, and thats OK!
Sunday, February 26
Woah!!!!! how freaking perfect is that!!! Sometimes in life it seems as though we are being dragged by the neck without our consent and we become complacent to just let it happen. We become the "lifeless" dummies that get stuck and are then forced to move on via an outside force, along side of other faceless strangers in the same situation.
More often than not though, I have found that situations where I am forced to transition, I have subconsciously requested the universe to deliver to me. Hence, I have the feeling of freedom, see the choices, and breath into the motivation which comes from being unburdened by something I didn't really want in the first place. Yea!!! so cool huh?
Transition: dolls... in... space!!!!!! (you know like an echo-ey voice from a bad sci-fi movie where the words fade into the background? HA... visions don't fail me now.)
Friday, February 24
On a somber note, Someone in my realm of peeps died suddenly this week. A healthy beautiful woman, vibrant, on the go, involved, single mother with 3 kids. She was healthy one day then within 48 hours had passed on. Life is a GIFT. A brief span of days in a body that is fairly fragile in some ways and impervious in others. The sun comes up each day with an opportunity for you to just say YES to EACH one with a smile. DO it! Experience it all and forget the should's. The should's NEVER have your back when it comes right down to it. Not to mention that the word is pure rubbish in the first place. How do you know what I should be doing? yea. you don't.
I see life as a series of choices based on previous choices. Dont live in the past... keep making the fearless ones! Even if you think you know everything? You really really don't. And then one day? You are gone. Energy shifted.
Carpe diem is an overused term but it still packs a whallop in the karmic scheme of things. Get in the saddle and RIDE fellas! So much to see before sunset... so much! People are waiting to share that ride with you too... Ripple in the pond, eh watson?
Thursday, February 23
gather the delicate bouquet to your face,
deeply breath in their fragrance,
embrace the colors shining in all directions,
remove all your lingering doubts,
these blossoms are meant for you,
they were cultivated for your senses,
watered with tears of sorrow and joy,
nurtured with the glow of hope,
presented with joyous abandon,
placing trust again in a stranger,
knowing that the risks are great,
braving conventional fears in an irrational manner,
waiting, watching, hoping for that smile,
which makes all those risks worthwhile,
hearing life's sweet chorus sing yes yes yes...
there is love here and i see you.
I am beauty, love, light and laughter. No matter what anyone says, I will be nothing less... There are times when I see people doubting love and looking at me in disbelief as I show unashamed love. I feel like reaching out to them saying, watch and learn! Pain isn't anything but a thing. GET-T-F over it. Why would you keep yourself from running to the huge amount of joy love provides you because of that little blister you might have in your shoe from a previous walk?
Today I realized I may be standing in front of a man who is not allowing himself to see a huge reward the universe has offered us both. I believed in him when he reached out to me and kept believing despite his fears and hiding. Sadly, now, I fear he will have to re-earn that reward from me, if he even chooses to. Damn choices, eh mate? I wish him only the best as I always have. I am grateful to be reminded I can choose to stop over thinking things. That EVERYONE has boundaries that should be honored. How wonderful it feels to give your affections to a person you have a connection with and deem worthy. It reestablished the "I am worthy" of a certain level of respect and its time to stand up for that. My sweet friend, find your rewards here as well and stop being sad. You could always give up the fears and let us be friends. We could just play and enjoy life without expectations or anger or micro management of our time, or some kind of map to where the freaking wagon train will lead us next, and just have FUN! cuz really? Joy is what its all about. btw? I still feel you around me. You are still in my thoughts daily.
And as usual, on the music therapy side of all MY situations, I have been having an affair with Gavin Degraw's album/CD Sweeter (as if you didn't notice... HA. i love redundancies). I started February with Soldier, and in writing this entry? I gravitated to Stealing. I think I am going out to get a mic and a guitar... "we had a good time, then it was sorrow, i called it stealing, you called it borrowed..." :whistle:
hey did you like my poem? its was kinda groovy wasn't it? yea baby!!!!
Wednesday, February 22
Monday, February 20
Funny when times get hard
at the last moment when youre sposed to charge
we're always on the longest yard
oh they feel their feet getting cold
find them underneath the stairs,
people hiding everywhere,
trying to be still like a stone
Sunday, February 19
Saturday, February 18
Universe, give me support. My heart keeps getting shot out of the cannon and falling into the wrong places. I have faith you will send me a net that holds as much hope and compassion as I have for the recipient.
so call me a diamond in the rough... but ffs, CALL ME!!!
Friday, February 17
WHAT the HECK are you people THINKING???
Just calm down... take a DEEP breath. Resistance is futile. The sooner we let go and embrace our connections, and where they lead us with reassurance and faith? The easier it gets for EVERYONE... and you know when you say the word everyone? that includes YOU & ME.
Sigh. I don't know why as humans we have a pathetic ideal of our self importance. We have to stand our ground and put up walls of protection, usually disguised as anger or disgust. Then that venomous attitude is spewed on any living creature within range. LET GO... free fall, trust the process and the guidance you receive to just allow things to happen, allow people to be as they are.
You know I am talking to myself too. Being human is such a complex bag of emotional retarded mess. But, makes for a GREAT comedy routine. Am I right? yea I know I am.
Thursday, February 16
Gotta rethink that HI. :wink:
(raising arizona reference, for those that are uneducated to it.)
Wednesday, February 15
I have been having panic attacks lately which isn't natural to me. I don't ever panic! That whole concept is foreign to me. Life is pretty simple! So, my perception is that its coming from outside, and since I can't help the person they ARE affecting, I want to protect myself.
Whomever you are thats feeling so close to me and a part of me, that is in a state of fear or upheaval, just call me. I swear it would be a lot better for both of us to talk this out. I am a GREAT listener. and I give pretty good hugs too...
Tuesday, February 14
My magical date would be to show up unannounced on a day I know he is free to be out all day. I would have packed a basket with cheese, bread, pate, fruit and some beverages. I would have a bag with soft blankets and scented lotion. The digital camera and a handful of mixed CDs, plop him in the passenger seat and take OFF. Drive from one spot to another, no set agenda, stopping when we felt like it, making memories along the way. Ultimately I am fortunate enough to be able to end this date at the beach for a sunset walk and a small fire.
Becoming friends is what every relationship is about. Time spent in nature allows all that to just flow to the top. Hearts out in the open amongst the flowers learning about each other in trust, no expectations or agendas.
Carpe diem love bugs... lets procreate for the sheer joy of it! meow.
Monday, February 13
Now in real life? You have to let go and live. This stress you are putting yourself through isn't worth it. Its not changing anything, its closing doors, not opening them. Learn to forgive and let go... forgive and let go. Even forgive yourself and let go.
Nothing gets easier through agony or blame. You aren't being put upon, we all make choices and have to live with them. I have been where you are! Just reach out, dear. A friend is always there to take your hand and lead you through the fire. If its not me, another will be there. Allow this healing to begin.
I saw your sweet smile last night and your love of life. I felt your arms around me. Look in the mirror and find it again! xo
Sunday, February 12
If this last job goes well, I will be sporting a FABULOUS new hat on Valentines day. Hey, I don't have all the answers, but the hat will turn a few eyes with smiles in my direction.
Maybe his will come back someday... until then? Peace my bruttha! You shine, don't ever forget it. xo Wanna see my new hat? giggle.
Friday, February 3
So, current weight, 170 lbs. That stinks! My goal is to drop 35 lbs by summer. I AM going to do this.
Juicing, raw as often as possible, and no eating after 6 pm. I have already started working out everyday.... I CAN do this. Help me spirits.
My birthday is in 6 weeks... wonder how much I can lose by then? Keep watching.
Wednesday, February 1
Keep your eyes on this spot! LOL