Wow, last night you actually came and stayed in my dreams! So so lovely... it was peaceful and happy. YOU were still a bit timid, but opened up more to me than you have so far. Bravo. I felt your warmth start to glow a little, and it made me feel so much more at ease.
Now in real life? You have to let go and live. This stress you are putting yourself through isn't worth it. Its not changing anything, its closing doors, not opening them. Learn to forgive and let go... forgive and let go. Even forgive yourself and let go.
Nothing gets easier through agony or blame. You aren't being put upon, we all make choices and have to live with them. I have been where you are! Just reach out, dear. A friend is always there to take your hand and lead you through the fire. If its not me, another will be there. Allow this healing to begin.
I saw your sweet smile last night and your love of life. I felt your arms around me. Look in the mirror and find it again! xo