There are many ways of breaking a heart. Stories were full of hearts broken by love,
but what really broke a heart was taking away its dream - whatever that dream might be.
Pearl S. Buck

Saturday, March 31


I am here. I spent much too time yesterday wondering why and how and where and what... etc. The time i waste thinking other than doing is starting to annoy me. There are some days when I want a "cruise director".. Here is your list of tasks. please complete them.

After a lovely conversation with a dear friend, I felt a bit more enlightened. She directed me down a path that may help me focus my energy. One goal, and the rest is play, but even play time is to be scheduled for me, or i will sit and ponder, dream, sit up on the hill and question the reasons life is the way it is. How to help others realize their paths with ease.

Yea i REALLY need a cheerleader/cruise director/motivator/bedpartner/sexslave no wait.. giggle...

Friends... just be there if i ask for your help. Its just a bit of a nudge  now and again. I wont ask you to build me a pyramid, just open your third eye and give me a little bit of united energy.

Thanks for playing! here is your gift... xooxooxoxoxo

Friday, March 30

Poetry = Dreamers Kiss 2005

My lips are moist with 
the lucious anticipation of 
your breath against them 
the taste of desire awaits 

in a dream i call to them 
reaching out to touch yours 
with fingertips light as a breeze 
soft caress against your warm sigh 

to sing a song with mine 
a song my heart keeps writing 
words into the air are alive 
your soul sings this song with me. 

i want to hear the words 
your lips sing along with mine 
together as our eyes meet in time 
opening doors that seal our tomorrows 

painted and perfect waiting in the garden 
catching the smile that melts the cold 
never wanting it to be and yet i know 
if it doesn't, my life is incomplete. 

you woke me in the morning of the night 
whispering in my ear from so far away. 
taking my dreams to you and setting fire 
to the desires we both deny to be real. 

let us be for now, let us be forever 
let us be us for ourselves and smile 
our lips so close our breath is stilled 
waiting for the perfect moment to sing. 

a song our dreamers kiss unites 
our lives bound in wisdom beyond our souls 
how do we catch our words or speak them 
tell me my sweet soul. i rely on your vision 

unspoken and true. alive and real 
waiting to see what your eyes tell me 
how mine respond to them alike 
how mine respond in kind. in kind... 

its a dreamers kiss that stands here 
a kiss responding outside boundaries 
making itself alive in my blood. 
it will not die until passed between us.

Thursday, March 29

climbing a ladder

Very intense dreams last night, or this morning I should say. I wish I could remember them all, but here is a small part of one.

I was with a group of people, and I was chosen to be amongst the group to meet a very important spiritual leader, almost like a god in many peoples eyes. I crossed a stream of water up a grassy hill, to a level ground in front of an old house that looked condemned. I stood in line with all men, I was the only woman there at that moment. I was hugged and offered greetings by the workers keeping the people in line moving towards the "spiritual one". One by one they walked up to this figure and had an exchange of words, or embraces, then they would walk back down the hill. While i stood there, I heard rumors that every once in a while, someone would be condemned to go into the house (which basically represented hell). Immediately my thought went to, OH wow!!! so thats why I am here... I am the only woman and was randomly chosen before crossing the stream to this place.

Sure enough I walked up to the leader and he said to me, "There is no personal or justifiable reason why, but you have been chosen to enter the house. It is a test of course to see if you can handle hell."
Me: "Yea I assumed being the only woman in line, that I was being singled out for some reason."
Idol/leader: "Don't worry things aren't always as they appear."

I nodded and resigned myself to entering the building, expecting the other side being gloomy and dark and full of bullets/guns and stuff. I walked in and the interior looked like it had been burnt out.. lots of burnt wood laying around and a semi burnt structure. In the middle of this room was a ladder leading up to another level, it seemed light up there.. I was being forced by two men with guns to climb up this ladder. Once I got to the top of it, I entered a "play room". It was a huge loft area with games, and easels and paints, sewing machines, etc. There were people up there smiling and having a wonderful time creating things. I thought, Well now I know what hell is... having to do the same thing as other people! This is heaven!

A very interesting dream. I am wondering how to infuse all that into my brain today! fun.

OK so, Lauri, Dream Interpretor, had me call into her show today and do a reading about this dream! Seems the spirits, or self, is guiding me to pursue my creative talents and make a go of it. Thanks Lauri!

Wednesday, March 28

Dr Kim

I love my Dr.... She is the best... I will be happy to have insurance again to be able to go to her office when I need to. She is a wonderful human and a DOCTOR!!!

yea Dr. Kim!!!!! mwah.

Tuesday, March 27


You know, maybe its just me but the world is becoming RUDER by the moment... I can't tell you how many times I send messages without any response whatsoever.. and this isn't just one person... its like everyone!!!!

I miss texans. yep. Californians Some Californians are rude.

Monday, March 26


Damn this world is full of GATORS! take your teeth outta my ASS white boy!

sigh... i need chainmail... yep... what are the odds of it being fashionable anytime soon????

Sunday, March 25

Ze Phone

Tonight I had an actual conversation on the phone with an old friend! Just a platonic conversation catching up on old times. It was nice actually to share time like that. It sure beats texting your friends. Speaking in person is also less likely to be misinterpreted than texting!

and an even bigger bonus? Hearing the other persons voice in your ear, and the sexy vibrations it produces.  yea. hey babe, call me!

Friday, March 23

Show me

The more I try to connect to people, romantically, the worse it gets... sigh.

That aspect is not disheartening, the feeling of being alone is. The knowledge that in this life no one has fit the balance of me. Where is that zing to my zang? the right to my left, and left to my right? I thought I found you. It felt right! I thought you felt it too. Maybe you do/did, but your lack of communication isn't a key to any door that I might be able open and find to you.

The sad reality of humans is we rely on words to get what we want, no matter. Whether we mean them or not. Some people use words to hurt others, some to help, some just to obtain what they want for that minute. There isn't an investment in the integrity of word choices for some people. Today one of those people resurfaced into my realm... Sadly I wish him nothing but evil thoughts... and feel stupid for believing anything he ever said in the first place. A road down to the self doubt kiosk. Take a number, because at one point or another everyone in my life has triggered me to doubt myself, as I have lived in self doubt for many many years!

Ok, I think I have a solution!!! Magic Mirror on the wall, who is the most super fabulous person that never doubts herself at all???? yea. mellifluous magical mermaid-like me. Just keep swimming... :whistle:

Thursday, March 22

Sea Turtle (animal totems)

Someone in my life that reminds me of a turtle... so hence I put up an animal totem blog entry. What do you think yours is? do they vary between relationships? its an interesting study, accuracy? that depends upon your belief system ultimately doesn't it? Fun to think about none the less. away we go!
Those with the turtle as their animal totem can relate to the "sure and steady" message this creature brings to our lives. It is also a powerful totem for protection as withdrawing into it's shell is an amazing self defense mechanism. The turtle has few predators, which gives it an innocent energy. This also increases its lifespan, and so holds the symbolic meaning for longevity in many cultures.
Animal symbolism of the turtle includes:
• Order • Creation • Patience • Strength • Stability • Longevity • Innocence • Endurance • Protection

Because of its seemingly wide-eyed, long-lived, carefree attitude the turtle is often thought to be the wisest of souls among the animal kingdom. We would all do well to take this as a lesson and move at our own pace as the turtle does. Furthermore, the turtle takes its wisdom one day at a time - not reacting, simply accepting and moving on in its naturel methods.  

In China and Japan, the turtle is a symbol for longevity. In Asian myth the turtle represents the cosmic order: Its shell is symbolic of the heavens, Its body symbolic of the earth, Its underside represents the underworld.

Now for my totem as portrayed in the classical tortoise and hare story. Jessica Rabbit: (lol)
Rabbit: (Ogham=Gorse) As Celtic Animal Symbols, rabbits are connected with the moon an so they run full circle with her cycles. They also share connections of femininity and fertility - which are also lunar-based attributes. When the hare hops into your awareness, its time to set your mind of matters of reproduction. Hang on gentlemen, it doesn't necessarily mean physical birth. The rabbit talks to us about conception, conceiving new ideas and holding them in our fertil minds and hearts until they are ready to give birth in their own perfect timing (just as the moon would have it). And rabbits produce new life in such a humble way. There is no drama, rather there is a quaint, simple calming way the rabbit goes about offering her new offspring. We can offer our new life (in all its hues) with trust, faith and assurance too. ( ok WOW... thats REALLY interesting)

The hummingbird  is a more accurate summary of my spirit. 
The most profound questions the hummingbird asks is:
Where is your Joy?
Is your happiness found within or do you seek it externally?
What is the source of your joy?
What must you do to increase your joy?

Well doll? What do you need to do to increase your joy? Hiding in your shell is a good way to reflect and renew but its joy is limited in the darkness of one man's spirit. get on out here and flit amongst the flowers and fauna with me! SPRING has SPRUNG!

Wednesday, March 21

Personality by Advertisement

My Biz 101 instructor gave us an extra credit assignment this weekend. Why wouldn't you do an extra credit assignment right? So you want to know what it is? huh? do ya do ya? Ok FINE! *giggle*

Pick up a magazine, flip through it, pick out an advertisement. 
Who is the target market? (Use methods of segmentation discussed from text)
How was the product positioned?
What stage of the product life cycle is the product in?
Was this advertisement effective?

So I chose the ragtagpaperwaster, Vanity Fair. I had a copy with the "royal couple" on the cover. I don't do magazines, this one must have been picked up on a trip somewhere or from my mom or sister who are read-a-holic's... I flipped through it and guess what I found that stood out to me... Bottled Water (2 separate brands) Ozarka & SmartWater, 2 hugely different marketing approaches. Ozarka's slogan was "Born Better"; SmartWater "Smart because it’s made that way”.

I did my analysis, including the target market for Vanity Fair starting it out. As you can imagine, the demographic for Vanity Fair is geared for the sexy (Jennifer Aniston), naked, contrived, B&W, classic backwards s style marketing approach of the SmartWater ad much more than the our planet, au-natural, go green, locally sourced approach of Ozarka. I thought it was a pure stroke of genius to select these two separate ads pushing a product we basically don't need to buy in the first place. 

Does marketing sell products people? DAYUM tootin.... and you are the fish waiting for the bait. My instructor at the end of class yesterday said to us, "Now, I want you to think about the ads you chose because it directly relates to who you are. Your selection says something about you as a consumer."

Dude, REALLY? I am a bipolar, skeptical, appreciating all art forms, price unfettered, educated consumer. BIPOLAR... did you catch that? sigh. did anyone else do two ads? decisions decisions.. always two half's to each agenda and you gotta make a choice. I choose to daly between two worlds and enjoy each just a little bit.

Devil or angel, who you gonna be today? mwha hahahahaa!!!!!


Focusing on the self is near impossible for me sometimes. I mean i sure do take advantage of situations when I can, but a lot of my energies are spent on making sure others lives are in balance or getting to them what they want or need.

Top of the list would be all my boyfriends in the past 15 years, and now its my son. I could go on to make a long long list, but there is no the point in that. I did the things I wanted to for the people i loved, thats the real point. The issue with that is I end up depleting my energies and not enough is left for taking care of me.  And what energy I have left i don't exert very wisely!!!!

I think I don't want a man that takes care of me so much, as that may make me uncomfortable. A man that could take care of himself? That would be better. But a man that is willing and assertive enough to put forth  efforts and ambitions so we both win? That is the prime directive!!!! Team work with someone makes life so much sweeter. Finding people you can lean on while you journey through lifes struggles is the real deal. 

Perfection is the moment when you see the glow of accomplishment in your partners eyes, knowing you both were a part of making the whole a little better. Moment to moment, living and working together to make it all worthwhile. 

SEE??? I already lost focus on me! Time to try writing stories... Because just maybe getting all the dialogue out of my head would help me stay in the moment of focusing on MY LIFE. 

Tuesday, March 20


miss me? maybe not and thats ok!  hell maybe you never will... and thats ok too...  all in life is as it should be, and the lessons we take away from it give us more color to our beautiful character.

leaving you love notes here. huggles my little sea turtle... come out of your shell soon! miss you.

Monday, March 19

Room for Rent

Yes. I rented a room. I don't think that was such a good idea. I did it to save my butt financially. Little did I know it would turn into a lesson of patience and passive aggressive awareness training. She sleeps all day and wanders around at night like a bull in a china shop. Right now she is sitting in a chair in the living room meditating. Sheesh. I haven't lost this much sleep since the child was an infant. That's not good for my crabby mcattitude.

Thankfully, I remain emtionally detached and uninvolved with the roommate. There has been theft of belongings and subversive "borrowing". All of which leaves my son scared and me calmly waiting to lower the boom and give her the boot.

Working on creating income to cover her share and then some. This is my year!

Sunday, March 18

No matter where you go, there you are.

You walked into the party... like you were walking onto a yacht... lol The day i met you, i was really still sort of blown away that you contacted me in the first place. Then you finally agreed to meet me, we met at my apartment...

I had just gotten out of the shower, and wasn't quite "made up" when you were already here! I am guessing you were excited. I know I was. And even more so when I saw your face light up and smile. I felt relaxed and happy that you were finally here and we were meeting. The conversation flowed like we had known each other a long time. And a lot in common, then the first kiss... sigh... magical! then you left... you commented on something that is now in your possession.

I had to walk away for now. Your not feeling it, or something and I am not taking it well... i could get hurt very easily here, and I am not sure you realize that... yet. I miss your sweet smile but not at the expense of my own and I wander.


Hm.. maybe I am grumpy! that really isn't fun for me either... i have a headache most days. no matter what I try to move towards there is a NO involved before i get there. And when I do get there, its in need of repair or restoration. Once that process is through I am left holding the tools and the car has taken off in a different direction.


Positive thinking and I are in a boat with holes in it and as much as I bail and bail and bail, the negative is filling up the boat.

Friday, March 16

The Me Chorus

I would absolutely LOVE to be in a relationship with someone... but not just anyone. I talk about needing sex, and yea I do... but not at the expense of something I would prefer more and that is companionship with a person that really gets me, sees me and hopes for the best for me.

I think for now, I remain unattached and free to focus on a passion that may bring me a future. Or even just sitting and drawing or making something artistic to soothe my soul from the long journey through countless war torn fields of relationships past that has left me feeling dispassionate and questioning that love even exists on the level I seek.

Ah.. the years of being single aren't so bad. Loneliness isn't brought about by being alone. Loneliness isn't about isolation. I have felt lonely while in a relationship too... So, objective? Inner peace... I hope theres a warm fire on a beach there... the sound of the waves always brings me peace...

There isn't any question of my love for you, its just time to love me more.

Thursday, March 15

Good Morning

Man... Rollin in the hay sounds like a PLAN today... bring it baby! I need some skin on skin time. Whose up for it? Bueller?????

sigh... Oh well... dreams can come true I am told. Still waiting on you to decide if I am worth it!

Wednesday, March 14

The Men in My Life

Hello Men... the ones I have loved, will love and am in love with currently. Remember that despite the fact I seem all tough and calm on the outside? I have a huge creamy center... mushy, soft and sweet.

When you treat me with disregard, its like burning your favorite cookie in the oven then hoping its going to taste the same as the last one did. The more you disregard the treatment of it, the more bitter the flavor. My body may be a wonderland, sadly its attached to a mighty big brain and an even bigger heart... if you stick a pin in it, that shit deflates and you are left with a flat line. Then you have to resuscitate something you may not have been that interested in to begin with.

This isn't just true for me. I am not typical of my gender and thats not a bragging right. It sometimes puts me in situations with men I would love to be involved with that aren't looking out for anyones interests but their own.. oh wait, that describes most of you except for my dad... my buddy anthony C. (and a couple others) and my kid, which technically isn't his fault.

Walking on to the next rest stop... hopefully there will be life there waiting to reciprocate some really great times together, with communication and affections!!!

yea. I love life.. Life is GOOD.

Tuesday, March 13

My Day

Another year around the sun. Today I celebrate by taking a test in class, then a free massage, maybe even a pedicure!! Then a night out with my friends for some SUSHI!!!!

I look forward to another year of growth as a human. This years challenges are going to be of a "health related" nature. As we get older our bodies require more maintenance... BOTHER!!!

I just wanted to place here a note of gratitude to my parents for giving me life and sustaining that life financially and emotionally for all my years here on this globe! I LOVE YOU GUYS! without you some of my favorite people wouldn't exist, my siblings and my son.

Lets get out there and make it count everyday. Today I get to do it with "birthday" attitude. oh yea!

Thursday, March 8


A friend of mine is in a huge amount of pain. huge... debilitating pain. This is a physical issue for her. She is going to get the usual battery of tests/mri/evaluations etc. But, when do you get to the point of realizing that part of all pain is emotionally based? Not just mind over matter, things that you have been holding inside you all your life, since childhood. Things that have created havoc all along and you aren't awake to them yet. I say this because it has happened with me. Different areas of the body that hold my emotional baggage. Currently its my intestines! (i should really go find out what Louise says thats all about).

The emotions we all try to deny are in our minds and hearts. Continued avoidance of them will be exhibited in physical manifestations guaranteed. You can resist it all you want to, or kill it with your poison of choice, but don't be fooled. All that resistance isn't buying you time or serving your dream, its building up a facade, adding time on the other side in the form of recovery.

BREATH... Do some yoga... center yourself and listen to what your body is saying. With continued practice you can and will hear the whispers and moans of your being inside your head and heart. Change is all life is about, so learn and be grateful how wonderful it is to update your emotional wardrobe and expose the true you.

Wednesday, March 7

Date Material...

So whats wrong with me? Do I look like chopped livah?? I guess I don't know what men find attractive anymore. Seriously... Will I allow myself to be used in order to have some kind of affection or sensual life? And the men that ACT interested, is it only an act? What the hell do you have to do to get LAID in this town? sigh... frackin frackity frack frackenstein cheese and CRACKERS and SALAMI!!!!!!!!!!!!!

pout. MAYBE its just me... and that would REALLY suck... now I am sad... I think I will go hit the gym and work out some frustrations.

Monday, March 5

Amazing things happen all the time

You know they do! Its awesome... I am so happy for someone right now...  Just want to say thank you universe and bestow my gratitude for continued generosity and positive changes. Now whose turn is it? Oh yea MY TURN!

chicka bow chicka bow wow... oh yea.. my turn.... Hallelujah... beat the drums yea.

I'm in a store and I'm SINGING

SIGH... another week closer to the anniversary of the day I was spit out upon this god forsaken sphere of doom!!!! (giggle)

meh I am a happy soul! I say, why be gloomy when there is a sky overhead, earth below, ocean within walking distance, and a kid that puts a smile on my face reminding me to understand that life can be  magical. You have to allow it. Sadly and silently and a-lonely (ha i made that up) I have realized I wont be allowed to participate in some peoples lives. Its still hard for me when I see that bright light shimmering between two people and they can't or wont appreciate it for the simple thing it is, or the promise and potential of what it COULD be! How one little step towards joining these forces opens up a world of influence not just for the two people but for ANYONE that comes in contact with that team. It really can be a ripple effect IF you allow it without judgement or agenda (yea I got my issues with agenda too).

There were moments in my past where I thought was very close to that but since then I have realized it just wasn't right. I am happy to have learned that and know what it is I am looking for! There isn't an agenda for any person that comes into my life (friend or lover), but I do know that it requires someone willing to take risks in their lives. We can only grow stronger by joining forces and forging ahead to transform our lives and in beautiful chorus, the lives of others we touch on a daily basis. Negativity (or lack of positive thinking) is a deep dark soul sucking hole that gives you a false sense of security and allows you self indulgence in spades... it also provides you with pathetic brief momentary relationships that suck out even MORE life out of your soul. Dont create or reach for a dream from that place. Turn on your light and don't be afraid of what you see there. Life is transition at all times. Pick up your little pieces of shit you don't like, toss them in the bin, and put the ones you do like on the wall as sign posts or guides to where you WANT to go.

Hello? companion? are you hearing my siren song? I kinda keep singing it at the TOP OF MY LUNGS... maybe I should roll the driver window down.. (giggle)

Sunday, March 4

I care, therefore I do

My friends never have to wonder what I think about their presence in my life, nor the affections I have for them. But sometimes, you spend time to shower them with affection and attention and they shit on ya!  Life is a series of lessons I thought I had already learned, and accomplishing tasks that dont always turn out like I thought they would. 

People, even when bad things happen, you have to be grateful as they put you in a place to realize how good you have had it! and you need to express that gratitude as it FREES you for better things to come. Gratitude for negative things implants the desires, the seeds of growth to give you the assurance of joy to come. This game of life is all a balancing act my friends... and if you sit on your end of the see saw with your feet on the ground you are leaving someone else hanging in mid air WAITING on your sorry ass to get over it and push off. 

So that being metaphorically beaten to death, I think I will take this current pile of shit that someone left here for me and plant some daisies... because at this point? Daisies are much more appealing. 

Maybe I need a dog. Dogs communicate with pure love and appreciation immediately no words necessary! You have to love any creature that freely expresses gratitude no matter the situation, or condition of their own lives. The expression of joy in the moment is all we really have to be hopeful for, and a choice that we can make at ANY time despite any condition in life. 
Well, there is one other thing to look forward to, besos.. muy besos.

Communication isn't commitment, its acknowledgment in a form we HUMANS have become accustomed to using when working within these confines of a physical body. Try it. OR you cold train the world how to pick up and talk to each other using telepathic abilities!!!! Now THAT would really help things out, but take a bite out of conventional methods of transferring info. 

OH and Happy Birthday to my friend R

Night Alone

So, my son is at a sleepover! Wooohoo!!!!!!

And yea. you know what I did? I slept.... ah..... I wish I would have had some company, but everyone already had plans. sigh. I was reminded of how alone I am when I don't have my son around. NO bueno.

Ok wait... back to sleep! ah....

Friday, March 2


You know,  I can hear the things you are thinking when you are thinking them! its annoying sometimes... like when I am sleeping? yea... they show up in my dreams as "notes".

all will be well, love... now sleep already! xo

Thursday, March 1

School Play

Each class does a play at my sons School... This year? Mr. Poppers Penguins, and the kid was a cop.

Each play is a musical too, so there was singing and dancing by everyone. I love OAS... The Open Alternative School.

Watch out CHIPS!!!!!