There are many ways of breaking a heart. Stories were full of hearts broken by love,
but what really broke a heart was taking away its dream - whatever that dream might be.
Pearl S. Buck

Wednesday, July 31

Why should i care?

Today,  I must have hit a truth, and got slapped in the face for caring.

What I realized is that I don't want to date men that act less mature than my son. Why should I be made to feel bad about CARING about someone? Other peoples judgement of me means less than nothing. This persons reaction to me has caused me to really question if he has ever told me the truth, and is someone trying to convince himself I am something i am NOT.

I have no idea whats going on, but i don't trust him now. He can have his little secrets that aren't really secrets because I am connected to him by some freakish insight/intuition that creates visions and physical actions in my body. I sure as fuck didn't ask for it, didn't go looking for it, thought it was cool at first. Whether you believe in it or not, it happens to me. This is only the third or fourth person in my life. I feel like I am part of a bigger picture that HE is showing me but not letting himself be involved in, because he has control issues.

Im so lucky to have this ability, sometimes people can acknowledge connections and we become good friends. He has always tried to remain in touch, but it feels now like a "duty" instead of a desire.  I hate feeling isolated, berated and belittled for what I know to be true. I hope that someday I find the one that can take the ride with me instead of pushing me off the platform.

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