Not Just Nouns and Verbs...

internet HELL

2012-01-27T18:24:00.001-08:00

I love internet dating! I have met a few really nice people... some not so nice.

Today's horror story:
I was speaking with a gentleman that lived in Hollywood. Nice man. One lunch date, we hit it off really well and became friends, nothing more. We have similar minds so it was easy flow conversation. We kept in touch by text and phone calls discussing family life and work. I hadn't heard from him in a week or two, so I sent him a text saying Hey you out there? Reply... yes.. I said, is everything ok? then the phone rings. He is calling...

me: This is Melanie
him: Hello... (a WOMAN'S voice)
me: HI.
HER: Are you trying to reach jeff?
me: yes who is this?
Her: my name is renee. I am jeff's girlfriend of 9 years... who is this
me: hi My name is Melanie
her: I am guessing he didn't tell you about me.
me: No.. didn't come up. Wow. Yikes. But honestly there isn't anything going on between me and Jeff.
her: well blah blah blah something rude and hateful
me: Seriously renee, Jeff and i are strictly platonic. there is no reason for you to be angry or nasty to me, i didn't do anything.
her: well you are among many
me: well, again, like i said, we didn't even talk about anything but work and our kids. so you can drop the attitude with me.
her: Yea well this phone number is going off.
me: sounds like a good idea to me. and thanks renee for calling me and letting me know. i appreciate it.
her: yea well goodbye
me: bye

I text-ed her after that saying thanks again, and instead of dumping the phone you should probably dump Jeff... seems like a better idea. giggle...

And last night, I got put "on hold" (whatever that means) by another man who contacted me via internet.

TY so much both of you for reminding me why I am super grateful to be a single woman. My heart is worthy of much more than this madness.

Plannit.

2012-01-27T10:32:00.000-08:00

I just don't get how I let myself fall into the cracks of "daydreaming" and lose track of time so quickly. I freakin need a day planner, as in someone who plans out my day, and I just follow along. I guess that could be me.

Because right now? I have 4 billion things to do and I am sitting on my katoocus at the desk writing on my BLOG!!!! ha.

i got ta move it move it... (whiste n shake)

Lets Unpack.

2012-01-25T09:07:00.000-08:00

One fine day long ago, I walked into a bar where my girlfriend was working. I was at the counter writing in my journal. Not long after I got there, a man walked in and sat down next to me. He was with a woman friend of his. His friend gets up to go to the bathroom. At this point, my bar-tending friend says, "I have someone I want you to meet, Jeff." I turn to look at him. The eyes that turned and looked at me that night spooked me. I had a significant dream about those eyes 2 years before I met him. Even though I was intrigued, I ran away. To no avail, he came back over and over again. The universe threw us together for reasons I am still learning today. The few years that followed I lived in a beautiful hell I can still recall at special moments. This exquisite pain shows up especially when I see similar behaviors exhibited in another.

What made this one so special, for one, Jeff wouldn't sleep with me. The 3 years we lived together, he slept on the couch. Another, Mr. Handsome would call me slut in the middle of the night because I had talked to one of his friends while we were all sitting around drinking. Also, he would disappear for days without communication. In his mind, he didn't owe me any type of explanation even though he knew I would be worried, or would have given me shit if I had done that! I paid for our rent, and bills... I was the caregiver. That lead me down a road to weight gain, self sabotage and disbelief that love was a good thing. Self abuse was my lifestyle as I didn't see anyway out at that very moment. To this day a scar lives in me that reminds me to not fall into that trap again. Don't let people treat you with disrespect via their own fears or issues. Do not enable their crap. Be there if they need you with what you can offer, but NOT at the expense of your good heart or good nature.

I realize that we all choose where we stand or sit in our lives. I don't know who was inside my body for those years. I had one or two friends that gave up on me because I wasn't seeing the problems. There is no blame for any of it. Life holds no blame. Part of the issue was not being properly supported/educated to focus, ask for what I wanted and believed I could receive those things without suffering. Or believe in myself at all.

There is a possibility of spending some time reliving past relationship experiences upon encountering new people that enter our circle. And even though I have moved far beyond that space, there is a fear of the "couch daze" making a repeat performance. I look into the eyes of the new people/men I meet, I listen to the soothing tones of their stories. I can hear with an open mind every time, but the minute I cross over that line in the sand towards caring, the little prickly burrs of fear start collecting. I keep picking them off one by one.. eventually these burrs will be burned in a fire created by a love that sees me, we can embrace openly and honestly; a friend, companion, lover, child, man.

I know that I am going to fall in love at some point again. Then, we can sit together by the fire and toss these little insignificant remnants to the past, creating a path towards the freedom of smiling relieved of our residual fears.

Great quote I heard the other day:
Everyone comes with baggage, find someone that loves you enough to help you unpack.

I am that person... who are you?

why

2012-01-23T12:21:00.000-08:00

You know the universe puts people in our path for a reason. And as I sit here in silence I wonder why you have been placed in my path. A choice you made is why we are here. You pulled me in, brought me to you. Now after the moments, where are we? And why do I spend any time questioning it? Is there a reason you are questioning yourself?

I know how I feel, no questions. Maybe I am not seeing why I don't measure up in your eyes. Would I change to make that happen? How long do you wait for your heart to decide again its ok to love?

Love isn't safe dear ones. Love is a hurricane, a thunderstorm, a rainbow, a smile, a good luck charm, a reason to have that shit eating grin from a day spent between the covers, a sharp rock that scars you, a splinter that irritates, a brain spasm at any moment when that persons smile flashes in your mind, the eyes that look up at you from the pillow, the whispers you hear in the wind, reminding you that all of life is beauty and perpetuating suffering by isolation is useless.

Walk into the dream darling... take a deep breath, sit down on the hammock and enjoy the sounds of the waves of love that fall all around you, whispering to you that you may not be safe from all hurt, but your home where band aids and soothing kisses are plentiful. you can call me nurse mel! and i can call you doctor... if you are into that sort of thing! giggle...

yea. lets swing the hammock in tandem.

smile...

2012-01-22T10:20:00.000-08:00

Interesting that yesterday I ran into all kinds of issues. left and right, and no matter, i was smiling! simple reason for that... you said hello.

I often wonder if there is a test going on that I miss all the answers on. Like how many days can the universe show you where you need to grow before you break down and scream like a hungry angry love deprived monkey. Then the universe brings in all the ones looking to take something from you... And yet? still smiling.

I can do this, today. I can DO this!!!!

the lonely lists.

2012-01-16T15:16:00.000-08:00

You know there are so many laws set forth by man in this universe. The 10 commandments, the laws of attraction, the laws of dating, the laws of social interaction, the lists are endless. We all set out to define how we are supposed to be around the others. It becomes so convoluted that you don't know if you are coming or going sometimes. Whats he going to think if I do that. Whats she going to say if I do that!!! How are we going to perceive the next thing that comes down the road towards us? Threat or treasure!? I am so battle weary.

I have spent nights in the arms of people that I loved but didn't love themselves enough to ever really love me. That being said, I am not the type to give up on someone I love. Its caused me countless scars. I am seen as a fool or a sucker more often than not. You ask, how is that helping your life? I guess in the long run it doesn't in regards to the lists. What I know is that I am an evolved woman, ready to give her heart without hesitation to the man that wants it, deems it worthy, see's it for the light it can provide on a daily basis. I am not without my faults. Every peak has a cavern. Every day has a night. I am no different a creature of these physical aspects of the universe.

I am free now to choose a new partner and a new life. Have been for over 2 years. I am walking down that road. I want to believe his honesty, his passion and our connection. Faith... melanie Faith.

My Self

2012-01-15T18:28:00.001-08:00

Self doubt is by far my most selfish action. It allows me to accomplish absolutely nothing with false justification. I see it and release that resistance. I am accomplishment.

Question

2012-01-15T03:33:00.001-08:00

The question was, success or failure? (in regards to business)

Forecast? Abundance. right on!!!!

Late night at the Oasis

2012-01-14T20:38:00.001-08:00

Sometimes things surprise you. Last night I was pleasantly surprised. I am not sure traditional methods are at work here. I have to trust my instincts and gain respect.
Respect is mandatory for moving forward.

Hostility

2012-01-06T14:14:00.000-08:00

Today I woke up tired, and then drank coffee... It usually makes me a bit edgy/grumpy. The only bonus to that today was saying how I felt. I also accomplished tasks I have been putting off for a while now.

Now, one more HUGE push next week, and I think that i will be organized and ready to face the "classroom". School starts Jan. 23rd... taking 10 hours? yea four classes.

Don't need luck, need brain support! Diet, exercise and sleep.... BRING IT!

manifestation, destination, beautiful sensation!

The Escape

2012-01-05T06:27:00.001-08:00

I was in a room with a man, a stranger. We seemed to know each other. We spoke like we knew each other. When we tried to leave this area, there was danger. Jungle animals had blocked the entrance. We both looked for ways out alone, but ultimately I came up with an escape route. You followed me and we ran!

I finally ended up at a bar in a resort hotel in the mountains. I asked for a glass of water. A man was sitting next to me. He was feeling unhappy and I cheered him up with some banter. They gave me some beautiful water bottles to take with me. He and I discussed heading upstairs together, but I think we walked instead.

I ended up alone in the snow heading to my car afraid, walking through the snow. I jumped in, warmed up the car and headed down the mountain. My car swerved off the road into a leather shoe shop. I went in to shop and woke up.

Juicer

2012-01-02T14:39:00.000-08:00

Ok people. A new year and a new challenge. I have decided to really get back into shape, watching what I eat more closely and throwing in juices, thanks to my wonderful parents for purchasing me a breville juicer for my Christmas present!

Also I must consider going a bit more "raw" with my food intake. I have been reading up on supplements for the brain, and what to do there. A very fine lady is going to help me with my quest, Ninaya. I welcome the opportunity to find the real joy inside through healthier eating and living. Choosing minute by minute to become more clear.

I encourage you all to consider your bodies and what they need to be fed in order to preform in the optimum condition! Day one starts on Saturday!!!

Again

2011-12-30T09:08:00.000-08:00

This dream of you. I am glad you showed up! More please.

Communication

2011-12-27T23:03:00.000-08:00

I had a dream about you. You were standing next to me in a rain coat, not sure WHAT you had on underneath, but you were mumbling... something under your breath while you looked at me with wondering eyes. You want to tell me something, but you are afraid to do it. Or you are so nervous you are unsure what to say when you are around me. I woke up in confusion of how to help you get past that. I also realized then you have to want to.

I asked the universe today how we are going to get past this. How are we going to talk to each other. This card showed up.

Peacefully and lovingly. Wonderful.

Four Leaf Clovers

2011-12-27T07:17:00.000-08:00

Night before last I dreamt of you. You couldn't figure out what to say to me... You stumbled and mumbled all the while looking at me... turning in circles, asking for patience. You have it.

Last night I dreamt of four leaf clovers. Succulent abundant everywhere I looked, four leaf clovers. That was only part of the dream.

Every night the dreams I have are vivid symbolism of what is to come. I vow to spend a few mins in the morning to write them down.

Hello world, we will all benefit from our singular good fortunes! Let your light shine.

Passion

2011-12-16T08:11:00.001-08:00

Hello! Where have you been hiding?

I could use you to come out and play these next 10 years or more. I would love to be inspired again. About anything.

BRING IT!

Guts

2011-12-12T12:53:00.000-08:00

Last night the strangest feeling came over me... I felt like my insides were being electrified. Some kind of twisted feeling, that was being thinly contained by my skin and bones. I was on fire, and couldn't escape.

I thought about you again. You appeared in my dreams for a second time, and I am not sure where that fits. I can't see you for all the reeds and mirrors you throw up to deflect feelings.

I feel your stress, I feel your emotions. Please don't run mad into the night and forget why you are here. Who is there for you. Why do we all have fire in our hearts that make us reach for disaster? Are we willing to be burnt over and over again?

I don't play dirty, I don't chase. I wont lie. These complexities make me beautiful. A shiny fish woman in the ocean hiding in her own shadows, having been chased there by the demons in my head. How can I wiggle out of these invisible tethers in order to become the best me? And do you require some kind of bait? or do you see the real me?

This isn't meant for me, my strengths are being tapped. Bring me your love and joy. Bring me your fierce strength and know this mermaid has a heart worth winning. You just have to get past the scars from this lifetimes shark bites. I have ointment to soothe yours as well.

Keep on chasing down that rainbow
You'll never know what you might find
Over the sunset on the horizon
Maybe you dream but it tastes like poison
I'm gonna take that tiger outside for a ride
What a life!
What a life!
What a life!
What a life!

Someday you might find your hero
Some say you might lose your mind
What a life!
What a life!
What a life!
What a life!

Christmas Set up

2011-12-11T09:30:00.000-08:00

Christmas mood is a bit of a downer this winter. I am going to Texas to see my family and that will be wonderful, but in my heart I want to be home in Santa Barbara with my Organic Soup Kitchen family. I have worked all year for this event, and wont be here to enjoy it! But you all can,

Please sign up to enjoy an event, the 3rd Annual Organic Soup Kitchen Dinner and bring me along with you in spirit.

Happy Holidays my loving and gracious comrades.

Day 21

2011-12-07T08:17:00.000-08:00

Well, here we are. Started fiber. Not working yet... i expect great things today though! giggle. I am doing well on the eating. I have to say that chocolate is my BIGGEST nemesis. I must take that demon by the throat and tame it soon.

I have been doing my morning tonics... Now to beef up on the leafy greens, juices and extra water. Something I realized, I hold my stress in my intestines. Must get some "louise" magic going on that area of the body.

Today? A morning meeting a new friend, finishing up volunteer spot designations, template for my website, texting a friend in need, taking a nap, and a possible christmas card for my friends and family. Then the boys chores!!!!

I love you and I me, and there is a lot of me to go around. Lets support each other in becoming the best we can be for ourselves and others.

DreamTime

2011-12-06T08:04:00.000-08:00

I had a WILDly strange dream last night. In part of the dream there was a store/retail establishment called Sharing dreams (or something like that, sharing time, etc). You go in and they have couches where you spend time with your pets. You dress up in costume and then you have "quality time". The bottom floor had costumes, accessories and pets you could RENT!

oh and my ex was there. not J, Don.

Day 22

2011-12-05T19:56:00.000-08:00

The countdown continues!!!!

Today I woke up and cooked myself (and others) eggs in coconut oil, with avocado and fresh tomatoes on the side. Apple slices too. Then off to work at the school. I was bad and didn't do my tonic (wrist slap) and drank 3 cups of coffee! Tomorrow I will be better.

Then after working at the school this morning a meeting with a truly wonderful woman who is helping me with my desire to get this body healthy and functioning without as many internal aches. I have had an ache in a specific area of my body for a few years, not realizing what the cause was. We discovered it. I hope I can choose my health over that pesky desire to eat chocolate and sugar! Daily choice of not putting poisons in my body.

What will I find at the end of this road? A refreshed version of me. I hope my mind really enjoys all this work. I know that my body is going to be muy thankful!

Snubbing old age, eating well, continuing my mind work, daily body toning and Yoga. A retreat is in my future... oh yea! Day 22? I LOVE YA!

Day 23

2011-12-04T09:39:00.000-08:00

Well day 24, I cleaned out the garage, got rid of some furniture, and basically did a few domestic chores.

Day 23 is upon us! I am awake after not a lot of sleep last night. Cleaned out the hamster cage, heading to Costco for some dish soap and an insane amount of toilet paper! Then, dropping off some donations to Goodwill, listing a few more things on Craigslist, and a Christmas card the boy and I are going to work on. YOGA. Tonight I might need a sitter. Any takers?

all my friends, I wish you well on this glorious california day. xo

25 Days of Me!

2011-12-02T13:19:00.000-08:00

Tuesdays and Thursdays are my "Let it Go" yoga classes in the am. I LOVE my yoga teacher. Its not a traditional class, its a stretch and relax yoga class. I am the kind of girl that has a tendency towards high energy, higher thinking, always gearing up on how to most efficiently accomplish the next task to be completed. I need this class every day, in other words. How come I can't solely focus on myself? What is it I am avoiding!? Why can't I stay in the now? Hence, breath into the "me". Find the "me" lotus. Today, during my "Happy Baby Pose", I had an epiphany. The 25 days of Me... oh yea.

A couple of days ago, a wonderful lady friend of mine did an hour session with me talking about what my nutritional, exercise, body goals are. We set some short term parameters in order to get the structure set up. I am on a mission to relearn myself. Look in the mirror and smile. Enjoy the moment to moment existence that a lot of others on this planet seem to have a grip on.

I start with exercise, and emotional eating. I have five days planned out, Tues and Thursday for sure. My goal is the next 25 days with a class each day, or doing yoga at home. Today? Yoga at home with the kiddo. Oh yea! Will help to have him on board with some exercise too.

Day #1: Let it Go Yoga with Jan... complete
Day #2: Yoga at home with son... pending pick up.
Day #3: Yoga at home, go to the Y.

keep ya posted.

Analysis #59 (and counting)

2011-11-28T01:05:00.000-08:00

I have been doing self help work for a while now. Years in fact. I still fall into some of the old patterns from time to time. Like feeling sorry for myself, which is never a good use of my energy. Its basically just an excuse to not have to accomplish anything and laze about eating bad food!!!!

Today a reminder hit my email thanks to a stranger I was hoping to become friends with. It was that rejection based on assumption that really opened my eyes. This process is basically the way I treat myself. When I make my food choices, exercise choices, friend choices, I tend to be single sighted and feed those individually instead of visualizing the whole picture. This body is a tool for me to use in order to accomplish the things I want to accomplish! I must treat it with a greater amount of respect. Today is that day to begin fresh and start anew.

All of me, why not take all of me???? :whistle:

Thanks

2011-11-25T18:22:00.000-08:00

I had a wonderful day yesterday serving food, working with beautiful people, and loving life. I hope you all had days full of smiles and memories.

Thanks for everyday I am here and able to do what I love.

I choose

2011-11-23T07:26:00.000-08:00

This morning I woke up in a bit of a downer, because I had such a wonderfully free day yesterday, and now awake, back in the throws of real life. But one minute in time can change your entire perspective.

I was sitting sipping my coffee leftover from my drive home, looking at some tarot cards I pulled on Monday regarding a situation, and the phone rang. A volunteer that is LOST!!! I had the same issue the first time I went to help out at the Organic Soup Kitchen. I had a very pleasant conversation with her, and got her back on the road to food prep land. So grateful to have the reminder of what a wonderful time I am going to have this week; amazing people, amazing abundance and amazing results. And I get to share this with my son. Oh yea!!!

Reminder to self: I choose. I have the power to choose the things that affect me or don't. Allowing and accepting are the only real choices to maintain my true happiness within. I have been given so much abundance, I am grateful that it always comes to me and I can share that with others.

Now if I invited you to join me, would you like to spend some time with me and some other special people getting to know each other in community and joy? I am going to reach out and try.

My body

2011-11-21T07:44:00.000-08:00

Looking at a picture of me from 4 years ago, I was appalled!!!! I was HUGE. I am glad that i have turned this around, but wow. eye opener! I had good friends around me that loved me, so it wasn't much of a concern that I wouldn't be loved as a big woman. Interesting at the time I didn't feel ugly, just uncomfortable.

Growing up my body didn't require ANY working out to stay slim. I was hugely active and no matter what I ate, I burnt it off. I mean don't get me wrong, I am built very very curvy, I just didn't have any excess fat. As I hit my 30s and drank more, that changed. I didn't move as much and the calories from the sugar hit me. I wasnt huge, but I started getting self doubt and getting bigger. Then full on pregnancy and a break down in my ankle, I gained a lot of weight. I was huge!

Realizing something had to change, I had an ankle operation. I couldnt lose weight not being able to utilize that ankle. It is amazing to be pain free after 10 years of everyday swelling in my ankle!!! GRATITUDE! The surgery took a while to heal, and I couldn't walk during that time. (more weight) Then I could and didn't want to, self esteem issues and a boyfriend that just wasn't right for me. After that break up, I knew, it was time to rethink my life.

My next step was gastric bypass surgery, and that lead to a weight loss of over 100 lbs (i have about 30 more to go for my ideal weight). My body can MOVE!!! I am looking and feeling sexier than I have in years. The ~~girl~~ woman I see in the mirror is a bit foreign to me seeing as she disappeared around the age of 32. During this process I have re-learned a lot about myself and learning new things. Especially about my intimate encounters, personal relationships are going to be fun and exciting for me now. Its about TIME! I may seem a bit naive, silly and youthful in a lot of ways, but there is a depth of maturity and wisdom. and Just simple warning: never underestimate a Pisces. Pisces are supremely mellow, but will lash out when they feel attacked.

So, look for me on the streets. I am the giggling lady with the new look in her eyes. Maybe its for you, if you look deep enough to find it, dear fish.

An old Post

2011-11-20T03:17:00.000-08:00

This post (Rene Magritte - The lovers) from 2007 gets the MOST hits on my blog when the search comes up. And there is such a truth to this image.

In art school, I did a copy of this painting because the image is so impactive for me, I wanted to try it myself. A couple of years later a boyfriend of mine took a knife to it and shreaded it in front of me. I have learned a lot about myself and men over the years. Abuse was only part of it. Joy was the most of it. Truth can be the most elusive element. Taking moments to know each other is a requirement most men have no patience for.

Moving on to a different comment about Magritte's amazing image. As far as I am concerned, don't worry about hiding who you are from me. I take life as it is, all your faults and secrets are as beautiful as your strengths in my eyes, friends. The more honest the more attractive. Let it out! Once you do, most of it fades away and the sparkly bits gather more light. Just sayin.

Jellies

2011-11-18T18:30:00.000-08:00

Ok its official. Mellies Jelly's are being sold for the first time tomorrow. Its going to be at a small boutique in Goleta CA, so basically its a market testground for me. Get the opions of my product via the public.

I blame Anthony Carroccio for the inspiration. I am hoping if all goes well, 20% of the profits will go to his "non-profit" organization, The Organic Soup Kitchen. I have been working with him since April and thoroughly enjoy my work.

I have only about 6 or 7 different products. I will keep you informed after the show! Wish me luck. xo

UPDATE: Nailed it!!! The A game was in town and i sold almost everything I took there. Yes. well proven fact. I .. CAN... CooK!!!!!

Short Fuse

2011-11-17T05:40:00.000-08:00

For a long time, I had a VERY short fuse fueled by my intolerance to all sorts of things. I realize that anger isn't my friend. Forgive me if I stomp off sometimes out of frustration. Its just that most of this life bores me to tears, and I have a difficult time finding a happy medium in some moments.

I am truly a very happy person, I just don't hold much in and it can cause a few fire spurts here and there. Then I am back to mellow charming smiling positive me! Maybe I am lacking something... like a three letter word that ends in X. yea.

Scattered

2011-11-15T14:29:00.000-08:00

i don't understand what my brain does with certain information! i feel like there is a space in my head that always needs filling with something, and if its empty my mind makes up stuff to put in there, filling the void! scary... just damn scary.

I figured it out!!!! If I let go, and let all the air out of those tires on that vehicle, I just say what I feel, then it works out, and leaves my brain. And I am back on track. If you get notes from me that are honest and forthright, I am grateful for your attention and your responses, negative or positive. Don't hold back. Do you really want to spend your life in regret by not saying what is in your heart because of what someone else might think???? They are going to think what they want to anyway no matter WHAT you say. BE FREE!!!! Be kind. Be loving... Be honest. And do it along with me.

call me

2011-11-14T08:04:00.001-08:00

You know you want to! LOL. your voice is ringing in my head, and I would love to hear it again... and again.

Full Moon

2011-11-13T09:57:00.001-08:00

Stop making waves in my soul!!!

Wait

2011-11-12T12:21:00.001-08:00

Didn't I say wait a min??? i think that means wait a min! game over. :-(

11 - 11 - 11 V Day

2011-11-11T11:20:00.000-08:00

A moment of gratitude today for those that chose to make our freedom their priority. Wishing you all peace.

HA!

2011-11-10T06:35:00.000-08:00

Hello men friends. Remember that communication is a two way street. Neither of us is omnipotent. If you don't ask the questions, you only get a one way ticket to your own "fairytale" land.

Another quote from facebook I will post here:
"Sometimes your knight in shining armour is just a retard in tin foil."

Today, I am going to write a Dear John letter. Literally!!!

Kissing

2011-11-08T07:11:00.000-08:00

Smoochin' with you was a dream come true. Lovely. The only drawback to that activity is the depth of realization to how lonely I am. A painful longing for honest company and true companionship.

On the up side, being with you for now, its gonna have a huge reward. Like we get to kiss whenever we want. cheers!

Honesty

2011-11-04T06:54:00.000-07:00

Some people really have issues with coming right out and saying whats on their mind. They do a little dance around and around trying to keep you from seeing what their truths are. I found myself with that issue the other day after a "first date". I finally relaxed into saying what was on my mind by saying to myself, How much time are you going to waste on this?

Can't you see how much energy you waste by not just saying, hey! here's what I am thinking, and even though it might cause some kind of disturbance in the force, lets move on and get to the next point and take it from there when it comes about.

Cuz peeps? We are adults, or most of us are. Right? I will love ya anyway! promise.

hope

2011-11-02T12:52:00.001-07:00

you know, we could sell it... but its FREE!!!! keep on keepin on baby. Life is GOOD.

Sleepin Bears

2011-11-01T07:14:00.000-07:00

Ah. sleeping bears sleeping.

Magicians

2011-11-01T05:08:00.003-07:00

Last nights dream had me and a friend giving a magic show. We were making MAGIC! and it was well received.

Love that one!

Driving and Parking.

2011-10-29T08:32:00.000-07:00

I had the most MARVELOUSLY spooky dream yesterday. I was driving up a parking structure, with a car full of people, and we got close to the top climbing the up ramp. When we got closer to the top, the ramp turned to a mushy/fleshlike substance. You ran to help us. You were standing by a pillar, and when you pushed to hard on it, it broke, and made the sound of breaking bones. It seemed to me like you finally broke through to an awakening, or something new. Then, you and I continued to work together to get our car up to the top of the parking garage.

I wonder what it all means.

Expectations are killers.

2011-10-28T10:17:00.000-07:00

People, expectations are just little signs that get in the way of seeing the bigger picture. Own it. In the meantime stop putting your signs in my lawn. My personal belief is that expectations always let you down. I want a full experience with people that are willing to withstand the time it takes to understand one another, give things a second chance, and capable of understanding that expectations inhibit reality! Now reasonable expectations are good, but... some people go to the extreme. I had a few these last couple of months and the shot me in the foot.

Expectations be DAMNED!!! Here comes that ship. Its not exactly what I wanted, but hell its a trip I am going on! no matter how short.

Bon Voyage! for now.

AH... humor. HA!

2011-10-24T15:26:00.000-07:00

ok ok. can you tell my frame of mind lately!? I think I need one of those. (giggle)

Wow

2011-10-24T07:03:00.000-07:00

I don't know. I just don't know. One min I thought, this is the answer. The next min I realized I might not be ready! The next minute I was ready to cry.

This is not easy. And I can't keep my mind still. Wanting to hear what really is happening.My mind traveling to a point of saying, do I turn men off THAT bad?? Knowing that I have to keep my mind on me. Listening to my heart and body talking in conflicted dialogue.

steady on girl, steady on. be patient.

SuperCallafragalisticEXPEE!!!

2011-10-23T17:34:00.000-07:00

So this morning, my cornerstone of creative monumental discovery and wisdom gave me a shout. W.D. started a challenge with me, and the INSTANT she did, I had a huge influx of ideas. I swear, that woman often saves the day for me while she does it for herself and I benefit, and doesn't even realize she is doing it. Its amazing to me how CONNECTED she and I are in so many ways. I have found that with very, very few people. That ability to be there for and with those connections is the reason I get out of bed each day. TRIP out. You know the INSTANT you see that person and/or connect with them. The energy they draw out of you and breath into you just floors all other relationships.

Wow, how lucky am I!!! Ok P.C. lose the gloom, get out of that room and into the surf. Ride it cowboy!

Coal

2011-10-22T07:21:00.000-07:00

My question today: Am I learning patience or intolerance?

You know, I might have said things that confused you or you misinterpreted. My heart tells me you are the kind of person I can say anything too. If nothing else, that's who I want you to be. I feel you from across the miles, sitting still, watching, waiting, making decisions based on a severe lack of evidence. A few minutes of time and space in my presence would calm and soothe you dear, you just have to reach for this cool, translucent, multifaceted diamond. Stop snubbing it and trying to turn it back into a lump of coal. You don't have to add it to your collection, just let it be what it is! This is not a coincidence by any means.

Life is a road with many directions. You often take the one less traveled. How can this joyful occurrence be any different? I am a simple woman. I see things as they are, and I often smile because I can. Even coal can shine, but why be coal when you can be a diamond?

Reflect.

Snuggly Bear

2011-10-21T07:30:00.000-07:00

Hey Snuggly Bear, i was thinking. Maybe we could pack the tent, the sleeping bag, and a few essentials in the car and hit a campsite. Are you up for that? Cranky Mama Bear needs some time out in the wilderness to relax. Give me a call, and lets hit the road. xo

You tried that didn't you?

2011-10-20T13:19:00.000-07:00

Maybe I am a total prude (um, not likely btw) but, today's lil gem of a conversation set me thinking about the adults I encounter in this world.

Meet for coffee with someone, against a parameter I set up for myself. We enjoyed intellectual conversation up to that point, so I thought it would be nice. ha. It wasn't bad just odd. Part of our conversation leads to him stating a question about friends with bennies. I verbalized my take on it. He states he met a woman online whose husband wants her to have something on the side, because he does. AND his question was, what do you think of that!? I asked, are you going to do it? He was undecided and non committal to an answer about it.

Sigh. Really? I have evolved this far in my life, and experienced all that I have and this is the class of people I get to meet with? I laughed and told him the truth as I know it. That in my little part of the universe, when I am in a relationship, I respect the person I share my body with or their body with me. I don't see that sharing it with more than one person at a time is beneficial to any sort of relationship, including the one you have with yourself.

Breakfast over! I get a nice note via text saying, we don't fit. You aren't willing to sleep around and include me in that group, plus you have a kid, which doesn't fit my plan especially if you aren't going to sleep with me... My boss says to me this morning, You are not going on anymore dates unless I meet them first, and make sure they are worthy of you.

Sweet, but unnecessary. Today's lesson? Stick to your guns. Forgive yourself when you set yourself up for failure, and know that this is an obstacle course, and you aren't the obstacle. Second dates are possible, but not with this fella! I have been "DISMISSED". (whew).

What I learned

2011-10-19T13:35:00.000-07:00

the only person that really matters here is me. the only person i can count on is me. I must make sure this beautiful woman keeps herself comforted and calm. I will keep my candle lit for you. In the meantime, i am going to get limber, learn a few new dance steps, create my own realm of wealth and fence off the field of frogs I am forced to cross in order to find you. And dude that stood me up? GONER McGonerson... that was your last chance. and you had a FEW.

yo PRINCE. you better be spectacular in word and action, cuz this deed is likely to wear me out.. i will be happy to see you and there is a set of soft lips that will be waiting to reward you in all the right ways... and the wrong ones! :giggle:

before

2011-10-18T19:43:00.000-07:00

Before all the sh*t went down today, even the bad yoga class, I saw your face clear as day, smiling at me! a beautiful, welcoming happy come hither smile. TY for that.

Why

2011-10-18T13:24:00.000-07:00

Dude, REALLY? Stop trying to sell me your sob story. YOU are responsible for dumping me. YOU are responsible for choosing that flake over me. YOU are responsible for the SUCKAGE in your life. YOU have created that ditch you are crying in. I gave and gave waiting for you to see how you sabotage life, then you cut out. Stop calling me asking me for FAVORS... sheesh!

Me? I am smiling finally after dredging out all the hate and burning it away. I realize that I am going to choose more wisely, and stay out of your convoluted chaos. I don't feel sorry for you anymore. in fact, I am not sure I feel sorry for anyone anymore. We all have choices. I have lived through quite a few BAD ones. Now? Present me with better ones, oh universe of abundance.

A few honest words...

I'm a Gatherer

2011-10-16T06:56:00.000-07:00

This Script song has been stuck in my head since I heard it on Thursday. Its way poppy, cheesy, and corny. The reverb set on this mans voice, the soft simple harmonies that fit underneath, and the words that repeat soothe me in a "message fits here" spot. Some days those types of melodies keep your feet walking forward. I will never forget the first set of tunes that got my feet walking with purpose, Mr. Elton John, with his album Goodbye Yellow Brick Road. Subsequently, I went through a progression of piano players, as the sound of a piano sings to my soul like a rain storm. Music awakens me to thoughts and visions directing me to transcribe events into words with a creative necessity.

In our lives we follow the series of events and are masters of destiny in a precarious way. Control is just a plank we stand on over an infinity of opportunities. Don't be afraid of that singular stance that keeps us tethered. Isn't it beautiful to see the balloons floating by, all the various colors that present themselves? We reach to collect them into bunches so we can hold on to their splendor for a moment longer and absorb all they offer. We are forced to let go when they start to deflate, in order to keep our balance. No worries my dears, another balloon soars by in an instant.

Fear of losing is just a fear. Fear of "not obtaining" is just a fear. Fear is a cage you can choose to live in your whole life. You are the only key-master of that illusion. I am so grateful to have been the oldest of my siblings. I realized at an early age destiny wasn't based on the ideals of others. Its based on the ability to maintain a balance of what is right and select a balance of those rights to maintain my freedom. The bravest of us stand on our planks abandoning fear, one hand reaching for balloons while the other is letting go. I have found music gives our gathering rhythm. The words allow familiar descriptions which comfort and soothe us. Jump or sway, soar or dip, waltz or pogo, its your dance. Find a song that fits your life today. Tomorrow another balloon will soar by and offer you a different perspective.

Your own talents will send balloons into others gathering and give someone else a glimpse of your perspective. This fish LOVES her ability to swim amongst all of you, gathering your balloons as they soar by. Hope you grab some of mine too.

FU & Gonna Get...

2011-10-15T15:20:00.000-07:00

Gonna Get Over You, is my son's fav song. Mine is that Cee Lo Green song FU. TY SARAH!!!

"Goodbye, Should be sayin' that to you by now, shouldn't I?
Layin' down the law that I live by, Though maybe next time

I've got a thick tongue, Brimming with the words that go unsung
Simmer then the burn for a someone, the wrong one

And I tell myself to let the story end, My heart will rest in someone else's hand
My why not me? philosophy began, And I say

Ooh, how I'm gonna get over you? Ill be alright, just not tonight
Someday, oh I wish you'd want me to stay Ill be alright, just not tonight, Someday

Maybe is a vicious little word that can slay me, Keep me when I'm hurting and make me,
Hang from your hands Well, no more, I wont beg to buy a shot at your back door
If I make it at the thought of you, what for? Its not me anymore

And I'm not the girl that I intend to be, I dare you darling, just you wait and see
But this time not for you but just for me, And I say"

Connection

2011-10-15T03:18:00.000-07:00

No matter how far I get from it, its weighted on my mind. Each day, I let it go into light and love, and yet you return. I walk out and seek the others, and yet you return. Come and sit by my side and lets discuss this thing. It doesn't even have to move anywhere, I just want it out of my head so I can sleep.

Life doesn't offer us that many chances for this kind of lightening to strike. Don't let pride or misconceived understanding be your guide. Walk out there and test it for yourself. Be brave.

The games people play

2011-10-14T13:43:00.000-07:00

I have had a long life of games with men. I have been verbally abused and physically assaulted by my partners. I have also been emotionally abandoned by my partners. I understand that in life we make our choices to how we are treated, and in observing my history, it breaks my heart that I felt so low for so long. I have allowed my low self esteem to keep me deep in self pity and anger. It kept me in abusive relationships because I didn't believe I deserved any better. Now, I realize those truths and I can't go back there. Please don't make me.

I am up a few branches and can see the road a bit more clearly. I see now that I am done with games. I am done with useless words and hidden agendas. I cherish honesty, I cherish connection. If you can't step in the light with me, then I will leave you behind. That isn't a personal attack, its avoiding wasting anymore time on people that want to keep living in the same ole shaite. Living the same pattern over and over again creates illness in mind and body, and keeps the blame outside of self. As you know, there are no coincidences in life. If you choose to keep your hands over your eyes, then your playground will never change and you will continue to have self absorbed people using you.

That being said, if your choices are as such, enjoy the games! I am sure the costumes and conversations will be sparkly!!!! You know, in a cheap taped together Disneyland wanna be sorta way. I am seeking guru's of truth, who speak to me with words of kindness, connection, and whole hearted sharing, nothing held back, bringing to both of us all the glory this universe has in store!! You could come along with me, if you have the guts to ride the big waves. If not? I pray your choices will satisfy you. My heart wishes you love, light and peace in all your endeavors.

Yoga

2011-10-13T09:39:00.000-07:00

Yoga. It really really gets you in touch with your body. I had forgotten how much I love it until today.

Goal: Ultimate Flexibility.

yea I need a little more "gymnastic togetherness" in my life. STAT!

a Want

2011-10-11T04:57:00.000-07:00

Do you remember that scene from LA Story where the Steve Martin and Sara McDowel are walking down the street and they segue from adults to children? That's what I want.

Someone that makes me feel young and hopeful again. Someone that shares that vision of the world. Someone that can laugh along with me and see each day with a fresh set of eyes. Despite all we know to be true, we can step over that negative experience boundary and reach for the happiness.

(friends, lovers, or nothing, John Mayer. this guy is an under rated guitar player!!! imo)

That Day

2011-10-09T05:28:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was talking with a true friend about that day. She asked me if I had sent you a message telling you all the things I thought about our encounter. I have sent you thoughts, but I also I know I haven't revealed my true feelings to you. I have tried. I let your lack of connection or response guide my actions. My heart is guarded, I blame history and I label it damage control. If I choose to live there, what will I get in return? The same. A cold hell that only echos a voice of longing and desire, with none of the vibrations being able to exit that room. Sad lonely tones of my own voice, saying where are you? Where did you go? I deserve that voice to be heard and bring back a hero, a friend, a comrade. Time to be brave.

No matter what becomes of it, that day mattered. It was intense for me. The tingling joy I felt when I heard your voice for the first time. The anticipation and laughter in our voices as we walked down the path towards each other. The words you spoke sounded like you had plucked them right out of my brain. The amazement at how that hasn't happened to me in a very very long time, if ever. Being nervous about disappointing you, what was my body going to be covered in? Would my energy be pleasing to you? How should I greet you? Running up and jumping into your arms might not be the right way to enter it, but I felt like doing just that. And yet I held back. A societal call on my part.

As I sat watching you prepare things, I couldn't stop watching you work, thinking how lovely to watch someone so intent on purpose. Your hands mesmerized me. I watched and wondered about all the things those hands had done in their lifetime. Who they touched, what they created, how they would feel. Seeing how much you enjoyed the process of what you were doing made me realize you have deep passion. Listening to you tell the stories of your life was like listening to my own story. I just wanted to sit on that blanket and soak it all in for a long time. The confirmation that what I felt with you before that moment wasn't a figment of my imagination or a misguided hope. Isn't life wonderful? I thought that over and over again. Even the gloom couldn't douse that light.

I have often thought about going to pick up a pair of wool socks, because, that was genius man, pure genius. And it would be a permanent reminder of that wonderful day. I wanted to snuggle up to you and really get close, but I kept hearing a voice saying, go slowly. He wants slowly. Go slowly into that dark night. Maybe that was you or maybe a friend keeping me safe.

The fire finally went out, the babysitter kept sending me messages and we had to exit. I have to share something with you about that walk on the beach back to the car under the blanket. There is nothing I wanted more than to be under that blanket with you, but I kept falling off the sand ridge! And the rock? wow... I would have stayed there on your arm, but... that could have led to all kinds of being late for the babysitter. You seemed very frustrated at that moment, and I didn't want us to soak that in. I avoided the sexual innuendo walking up the stairs because I am not sure you know me yet. And the privilege of getting to know me better does come with perks. I can't be there without some sign of interest in who I am inside first.

As we reached the top of the stairs, you continued to share your life with me. How FUN it was to laugh and watch your face light up with all you had done, what you knew about that moment and where it was taking you the next day. I felt privileged that you felt close enough to me to share that with me. Such an honor. I laughed and laughed. And honestly? I would have flashed that guy's camera! HA! I was so happy you bent down to kiss me. I wasn't sure you had wanted to up until that very moment. Man I wish that could have lasted a lot longer, stupid babysitter.

I did NOT want to leave. I wanted to talk and laugh until all hours of the night maybe even have a cup of coffee so we could get even closer. Alas, I will need another opportunity for that to happen. And in this very moment, I have faith you may, but not a lot of evidence that will be what happens. Maybe you didn't enjoy yourself, and were just being polite. Maybe you had already met someone else and she gave you something I didn't or couldn't. But maybe or no maybe, I am here telling my side of the story because even if you don't come back, my integrity and honesty will bring me to where I need to be much more quickly. And you my dear friend deserve to know how much you mean to me. Even if I only knew you for a week or two. I wish you all the joy and love life can bring to you. I am sending all the good energy I can to you for your recovery and whatever lucky girl is a part of your life right now.

Just know, you are on my mind. I think I made that clear enough and was my intent with this post. YOU are on my mind.

When all of your tears dry, let your troubles roll by. Carbon Leaf.

a similar read for those that enjoy my writing... the companion.

Saturday

2011-10-08T15:32:00.000-07:00

Be Brave. Be Unafraid. Be Open. Be here. Be Now. Just BE.

Guess what?

2011-10-05T10:51:00.000-07:00

I am the best mom EVER! as long as I am doing whatever it is he wants me to do! *giggle*

I have it pretty good here on the lower west side of paradise.

Hey Me

2011-10-04T05:33:00.000-07:00

Hey me... quit the petty worrying and messy thought process. You are a lovely person with friends that adore you and men that want to meet you. Don't worry about those that wont.

Now, keep working on clearing up your desk. <3

You and Me

2011-10-03T15:23:00.000-07:00

You know sometimes you are so connected with someone that you can feel their thoughts? Yea. Your uneasiness in approaching this is affecting me too dear. Relax.

One million miles with one million smiles awaits you. Get there when you can. I will be waiting.

Peace.... OUT.

Reaching out.

2011-10-02T05:05:00.000-07:00

You know sometimes it just doesn't pay to reach out to people. I wont stop doing it because they wont reciprocate. I just want to be in a place with people that respect that about me. Its what I deserve. In order for me to do that I must practice what I preach and reciprocate.

I am a good person with a huge heart to share. You can toss it if you want to, but that is your loss!!

Improving the radar... allowing the space... tossing the waste. Now, I need some coconut juice!!!

Canning

2011-10-01T22:01:00.001-07:00

I am trying something new! Canning. Images and taste tests to come soon.

I have a few recipes to test out with friends and family, then I think I will do a huge batch to display at a holiday boutique in about 6 weeks. Wish me luck!

=)

Anger

2011-09-30T21:44:00.000-07:00

I woke up in a rage!!! I really felt it all throughout my body. I tried to blame it on the coffee and lack of sleep, but I seriously doubt that's the cause of the manifestation. Old feelings have arisen to remind me I have a closet full of cleaning to try and get through.

such as:
I don't like feeling left out. I don't like "not knowing". (which leads to)
I have abandonment issues I thought were pretty much gone. NOT.
Why is it that people don't respect each other? Why do I fall into that category sometimes?

See? more than you wanted to know. Anyway, this morning I found a light switch. Getting it cleaned up again! Maybe I can toss a few more items along with these. I am sure to remind myself that I can do it. You find ways to clear out the clutter with things you love, such as writing, drawing, coloring, reading, hugging, walking, volunteering, cooking, cleaning, and spending time with family and friends.

What is love without self love? I don't mean self absorbed narcissism. I am talking about the kind of love that allows you to enrich the world by sharing who you are, not overpowering with who you are.

She's BACK

2011-09-28T07:02:00.000-07:00

I had a dream about Oprah last night again! She was in an older outfit, something she had worn in a dream of mine a long time ago. Very provincial and kind of conservative! She was on her way to church, and was late. I thought to myself I need to ask her something, so I chased after her. I was too slow and did not catch up to her by the time she went inside. The rest of the dream was contemplation I just don't remember it too much.

Oprah started appearing in my dreams before I moved to California then kind of disappeared once I settled into Santa Barbara. I remember thinking to myself this morning, she's BACK! Her presence in my dreams is a sign of something pertaining to my town. Now to decipher.

Waste

2011-09-27T11:31:00.001-07:00

So, today I traveled to the local food bank today to pick up supplies for this weeks cooking. Amazing place in general. Filled with overages for people to come and buy at a fraction of the cost originally. You would be surprised how much produce is there. But today? No onions. You know why? They rot. Pounds and Pounds of locally grown food is being tossed on a weekly basis because its not "used" before it rots or expires.

I don't understand the world sometimes. People even less. We all moan about what we don't have, instead of learning about resources and redistributing, reusing, renewing what we have in abundance. Join me in a revolution to cut this waste in half!!!!! And feed people good wholesome food, not packages full of chemicals that kill.

If each of us donated maybe 2-4hours a week, 20 bux a month, or even solicited to assist organizations that reduce this waste, think of the economic and socioeconomic impact.

I may be idealistic. I have hope people can be inspired to give a few mins of their time to thinking upon these simple solutions. Get out there and contribute people!!! a few cents makes the world of difference to someone. Lets rock the suburbs!!!

dew it.

2011-09-27T05:46:00.000-07:00

Patience

2011-09-26T21:10:00.000-07:00

I want effortless. I don't want to look over my shoulder anymore. I have patience. I am relearning faith. Don't you tire of the test?? Don't you want to just say yes? Whats keeping you from it? Trust?

Have you given me a reason to trust you? That question only you can answer, for I believe what you tell me, I haven't any reason not to. I step in with trust until someone proves me otherwise. Its what I have to hold onto to keep me hoping you exist.

Hello soul that hears me. Come sit by me and lets make the most of everyday. Smiling at the fools who forgot what it is like to smile and trust each other, despite the land mines we have encountered. I know you are there. I can feel you. Step out into the light so I can see you better. I will be there with you and for you.

You won't be sorry. Life is joyous in this mermaid pool. Laughing and loving as much as possible.

information

2011-09-25T00:00:00.000-07:00

Wow... you know? The information that came in to my life yesterday from an objective individual really put me at ease. I feel even more stoked about the future now.

Please say you will join me. I want you there with me while it happens.

89

2011-09-23T22:43:00.000-07:00

This soul card came up today when I picked my number. Isn't it beautiful?

There is a lot of positive flourishing thoughts going on in my mind right now. I hope they reach the ones that need them most.

Adult

2011-09-19T19:23:00.001-07:00

I am an adult. an ADULT. There isn't anything I can't discuss. And most of the time? I can do it with a straight face!!!

I have had quite the experienced life. Heck you might learn a trick or two. Just sayin!

Helpless

2011-09-18T21:45:00.001-07:00

This morning doing our "Sunday Morning" routine of having breakfast in bed and watching some videos, my son looks over at me and says, "Mom, I need a daddy."

I took this statement in for a minute before reacting. Its something I agree with completely for him, but I want to make this a reassuring time in regards to his sense of security. I felt like saying, Hell YES! of all the little boys in the world YOU deserve a great dad. Someone that will love you as much as you love them. Instead, I decided to ask him a few questions about it. "Why do you feel like you need a daddy? What is he going to do for you that you don't have now?"

He goes on to list things like, take me places, spend money on me (I laughed), and hugs. I looked at him and said, "We have to love our lives as they are. Enjoy our moments and be grateful for what we have. I love you and we have fun right?"

"yes mom".

I sighed. Then I said, "It will be fun if we find that person, but in the meantime we have to look at the other people in our lives as our family." Parenting is a beyotch. But the rewards are hugs, kisses and seeing yourself growing up all over again!!

come on Dad! where are you? In the meantime, we need to go fishing.

Lovely

2011-09-18T10:17:00.000-07:00

Got dressed up last night! I forgot what that felt like. It used to be a way of life. It was lovely.

Life is good. Just sayin.

Gracious

2011-09-17T04:30:00.000-07:00

OK so, not going to Graceland. Just a bit of gratitude. I was mulling over a section of a week. And pondering its effect on my mentality. (as you might have noticed)

So, gracious me. I have come up with my gratitude list:
Thank you for reminding me where my short comings are. I am so grateful to have that piece of information. Thank you for showing me that not everything is as it seems. I will keep checking myself in the mirror to wipe the naive off my face. Thank you for the generosity, patience and chivalry. Thank you for showing me how things could be. Thank you making me laugh, smile and sigh. Thank you for letting me be myself. Thanks for the warmth. thanks for your wonderful stories. Thanking myself for the upgrade; I deserve to be heard and admired as well.

Thanks for affirming that all good things take time and you have to be present to them in that time, not absent, in order for them to move forward. I love life. xo

Who's your couch buddy?

2011-09-15T06:51:00.000-07:00

You know, a LOT of my friends go to therapy. I guess that says something about me. It says that I can accept the desire to have people in my life who search for answers to the nagging aches and pains of the body that are a result of "stinkin thinkin". Sessions with the Couch buddy, either sitting, lounging, jumping, crying, pillow beating, affirming releasing time with an objective individual can truly make the mirror a happier occasion!

No matter how big your brain gets with knowledge and wisdom and courage and faith, there is always a new experience around the corner to remind you to keep studying. And kitties and bobcats? that is ROCKIN good news.

So cry, or sing or beat the drum, go fishing, take a hike, talk to a tree, maybe a spin class or paint a painting, just do whatever it takes to get you out of the funk and onto the dance floor with me. Dance little sistah DANCE!

Lets Talk

2011-09-14T06:43:00.000-07:00

I have carved a career in marketing and advertising. Embellishing products or services with adjectives to make them more attractive. Me. A woman that says whats on her mind WAY too often. The other day I couldn't say a word. I felt closed off. A first meeting with someone whose mind I found highly intriguing. I didn't really want to say too much. I like to listen and get the lay of the land. Treading lightly as to not disturb the land mines of people that have had poor relationships. (I know I have).

Trust is a tricky issue, especially when it comes to the opposite sex. I will never understand men, but that is so OK by me!!! Its how things should be. If we were too similar there would be absolutely NO intercourse. *giggle* There is something about that edge of difference that draws us to one another.

I felt it deep down, didn't you? yea BABY! lets get it ON. :giggle:

Mermaid dream

2011-09-13T21:01:00.000-07:00

Ever since I have been a young lass, in the wilds of Kentucky, I have been a swimmer. I lettered my senior year of high school. That letter jacket is LONG gone to some virgo college roomate with an attitude.

Anyway, I have a thing about the water. This mermaid dream was very telling for me one night.

Just keep swimming!!!!

Birds and Bees

2011-09-13T20:52:00.000-07:00

A poem inspired by a friend that lives in the OC that I haven't talked to in 2 years.

The Bees have it. The Birds have it.

the body follows the scent of you
its longing takes its own directions
looking as it has not eaten for years
never been filled to satisfaction

i feel your body beside me in a dream
the warmth of its fur and energy
not moving towards me but with me.
learning its curves slowly with purpose.

i don't know if that dream will come
to my doorstep or in my window.
or if it will always remain outside
looking up as a lover in despair.

but like a fool i will chance its time
keep my candle burning in the window
calling your spirit to join me here
in a dance that has already bound us

i want to melt into you, feel that heat
intent on your turns and troubles
wanting to alleviate your concerns
make you smile for an hour or so.

and let you show me there is hope
for anything beautiful to be alive
inside each others souls for now
winding ourselves tighter in that net.

Tacos with the Ex

2011-08-29T05:18:00.000-07:00

I had a dream about the man I almost married last night. We were on a trip somewhere and stopped to eat tacos at his brothers place. Strange but good interaction. I felt all over the place... There was a horse in the dream! Totally infatuated with me, and followed me around in the bathroom of a friends house where I was attending a meeting. Shower in the closet. Floral green fabric.

Dredging up the Past. TACO!

2011-08-16T08:07:00.001-07:00

I thought I had lost my old blog to the cybernet stalkers, but found it! I am going to republish some old posts. Today's post was from Saturday June 4th, 2005

enjoy.

taco stand guy

So another tragic tale of the lonely spinster. I am going to get cheap gross tacos for dinner cuz i am too depressed to cook. I had stopped at the convenience store, 2 blocks from my house for some conveniences. Forgot to put on my seat belt as i drove off. The highwy patrolman was soooo nice when he gave me the ticket. Which begs the age old question: Why do we need to be regulated to death? Moving on to tacos....

I go 2 more blocks to the Taco Hut...not its real name. I refuse to say in order to maintain my facade of a gourmet eater. Driv up to the menu board. This voice that asks me what i want is mezmorizing. i stammer through an order with some witty white girl banter. Get up to the window, and there is this kid with these gorgeous eyes and the VOICE... i try to remain detached as i am still stewing over the ticket from cute ass in uniform, and drive off thinking...OUCH~ this dry patch better end soon. You know that is evident when the minimum wage guys are lookin good. Really good. stop.

can anyone come to the rescue!? ARG!

Saturday, June 4th, 2005

The Wind and the Wall

2011-08-15T10:07:00.000-07:00

Opening the door
letting the breeze in
learning each time I do,
the bits get scattered

the wind is talking
taking what it wants
moving it to where it should be
rushing past me in a vortex

knowing the weakness of doubt
that it brings to my heart
my brain becomes splattered
colors against the idea wall

more useless energy spent
piecing all the colors together
the basket of inception keeps filling
honest intentions spilling out

you were good at spotting me
you were right to say it was so
I am not here for the decisions
I am here for the now and then

riding the wave of joy into the future
letting that carry the love of it to me
washing away the useless collage of sorrow
your eyes in my mind soothing this vision

I am working on me
working on being free
let it be baby, let it be
it all lies in our hands

waves of the universe
keep the current strong
allow me to see what it is
give me your strength to let go.

and be free. to breathe. to love. me.

Art

2011-06-12T07:10:00.001-07:00

I went out into public last night for the first time in a long time. I watched people. It was interesting. It was like staring into the aquarium. I have found myself again, and not sure how that fits into what is happening around me. I am not worried about that at all really, its just another stepping stone I know that I will cross with my own style and won’t be persuaded otherwise.

I realized one thing last night, I need to surround myself with artists. Creative people. And I am not sure where to find them.

Celebrity

2011-06-11T07:17:00.000-07:00

Another dream set by the beach. I was at a conference for some kind of celebrity affair. I ended up sitting in an auditorium listening to a speech by someone. Then sitting next to a man that was familiar to me, but I don't really know who he was.

We ended up out at the actor trailer. They had taken our car while we were in the auditorium and had no way to get back to Santa Barbara. We were negotiating what they were capable of doing for us to get us home.

John Waters was there with long blonde curly hair. funny.

Writing

2011-06-10T07:01:00.000-07:00

This will be a highly creative summer for me. I have spent a few months of truly recovering and hibernating. I have an opportunity to do some writing for a friend. He asked me for a couple of "poems" and I have been racking my brain trying to find "my words" again. I have become so internalized these last few months finding the visualization and personal vibrations.

Maybe that is a start to what I am wanting to convey outwardly. Find myinner communication, how ever that looks and be at one with it. Use it to its purpose that it uses me.

I am looking ahead to rewards of fruitful exposes.

the List

2011-05-31T09:05:00.001-07:00

Ok. Dream time again!

I had a dream that i was working on my skincare line, at a convention. We were told we had to go through some "organic" type door to get in. You had to have the right combination of moves and stick your hands into this soft oozy door and it would protrude, etc. Very organic. Constantly moving and changing.

Once inside we were instructed to gather information from potential customers. The lady that was our leader took all our potential customers for herself. I remember thinking that was pretty low. Then we went outside to see the band they had hired for this event. Turns out it was my son's childcare provider singing and the band was on a great big hill. We went back to the conservatory/sun room to have some snacks. My friend Amy was there telling me that I messed up her weekend plans by flaking out on her.

Then a man came up to me and said, i need to tell you somethings you need to know. He was impatient. I had the feeling he was a ghost or an angel, and I really wanted to hear him. He started giving me a list, but I didn't have anything to write on. I grabbed the closest paper and pencil after he gave me the list once. He seemed agitated that I didn't get it the first time. I felt bad for asking him again while i wrote it down. After he had finished, i realized that the pen i wrote with was foam ink and all the letters had risen and meshed together. (and for the life of me right now I can't remember ANYTHING he said). I couldn't ask him a third time, because it was past the time he was supposed to return to his position, and he left.

I remember thinking at that point, why am I not prepared for anything? thats all i remember for now.

End. of. it. All

2011-05-28T02:29:00.000-07:00

Plane flying in the air. There stewardess came around and said, we are going to take you to a lovely place. All the bad people are gone. I was in disbelief.

Sure enough, the plane landed and the world was quiet and still. Everything was green. There were hardly any buildings. They put our group of people on a small island. She told us that there were only a few places with clean water. Some people needed things we couldn’t get on the plane. She suggested we go to the city, which was a ways away. I didn’t really want to go, but needed some things. (Didn’t want to go because I was enjoying the solitude. We were driving in the city. I came across my cousin, who was getting married. Interesting that she was a brides maid, a maid of honor and a bride all within an hour. I saw here in 3 different dresses. I remember lip gloss and sharing make up with a friend at the wedding.

Then I ran into some friends that I didn’t know very well, but was acquainted with. She and I were doing some drawings. Hers turned out beautifully and mine was ok, but I hadn’t really finished it. She got some kind of recognition and I felt like mine wasn’t worthy. Then a group of people decided it was time to go back to our group. I got in the car, and realized a lot of people in this parking lot were having problems. Getting frustrated. I remember thinking, here we are given a NEW opportunity to make a beautiful life, and we all just keep with our own ways.

Then a huge ruquous broke out in the parking lot. A group of guys rammed into someone’s car, and got out with guns. They started shooting people. I remember thinking that someone had rammed me, and I pretended to slip down and pass out in the car as the man with the gun walked up to my window. I was feeling fear and terror. I didn’t move. I made myself wake up because I was afraid he was going to try and “make sure I was dead”.

Genocide

2011-05-21T04:14:00.001-07:00

Last night I had a great dream that I was living in a city, nice apartment, eating big slabs of halibut, truly enjoying myself with my friends. I had decided that I needed to give something back. I heard about an expedition heading to another country, some where in Asia, to rescue a group of volunteers (which included an OLD friend of mine). They were working at a camp that took in orphans of war. When our group got there, we heard rumors the leaders of the camp had done a mass killing of all the volunteers through lethal injection (sort of a "Jim Jones/Guyana deal). We were all panicked and rushed to the site to see if anyone survived.

We walked into the main tented compound and the floor was made of sand/dirt. Around each person was a white rock wall, and they were laying one per area under a green canvas tarp, semi buried. They looked asleep and not dead. We found about 20 percent of them had survived the injection. I was one of the scouts heading out to find the still moving people. Upon finding one alive I was to arouse them and get them moving, walking, drinking water, etc.

I came across my friend, who had survived. I was overjoyed to see her. (It has been years since we have seen each other.) She was relaying all the facts of what happened. The people who had held her were obsessed with obtaining a certain amount of orphans by a certain time and when that number wasn't met, they killed all the volunteers, mass hysteria style.

I don't remember feeling overly upset or overwhelmed by the amount of corpses in this tent. I was more thankful that we were finding people that had survived, and grateful for each one that I could help with rising up and walking around. And for seeing my long lost friend.

The Deep End of the Pool

2011-04-20T04:57:00.001-07:00

Last week I dove down into the deep end of the pool. I needed to get under the water for a few days to just hear the quiet. Let the quiet resonate inside my cavernous soul. Sometimes you have to disappear to reappear renewed. A wise person told me last week, "Your strength is amazing. I never would have been able to handle things the way you are handling them." Even that moment of inspiration didn't give rise to my sleeping soul.

I basically hid away from the world staring into the mirror, staring into the reflection of my disinterest with the world outside my door. I can hear you self proclaimed "therapists" saying, you have to get out of your head. Well duh!!! This action doesn't happen easily. Once in a while I have to lay in the still water to rest and remember how GREAT life can be. The times in between these "self absorbed greif" naps will grow longer.

Sigh... art therapy here I come!!! First piece completed yesterday. More to come. ty talent for saving me from the deep end of the pool.

ONE. aren't we all one?

2011-04-06T09:34:00.001-07:00

Bird Dreams

2011-04-03T05:09:00.000-07:00

i was in a class that was teaching us to communicate with animals. We were released to practice. I wandered to a remote area of the park, sat on a bench, started listening and staring at the tree in front of me. I closed my eyes imagining an adolescent hawk flying and landing on my hand. When I opened my eyes the hawk was on the tree branch 20 yards in front me. When I held out my hand the bird flew toward me and landed on my hand. We sat on that bench for a while, me stroking the bird and we were communicating with our eyes. I was thinking without words and it felt amazing. Someone walked by, startled the bird, and it flew off at that moment. I thought how peaceful it must be to be able to just think without words, realizing I actually accomplished that. At that point a cat wandered in and came right up to me and we sat and purred for a little bit. The teacher walked up to me saying, "you are getting some good practice in". I said, " Cats and Dogs are easy. I did end up with a hawk on my hand. That was amazing."

He responded, "Not many people can communicate with birds easily."
I said, "It was amazing."

Then some other students walked up and I felt the need to get away from them. I wandered off saying out loud... "Just think, BIRD. Just BIRD."

Sunny beautiful day, light breeze and with a contented soul.

Swimming

2011-03-24T05:20:00.001-07:00

Last night I had a dream I was in a resort hotel. We had a meeting and after afterwards we went swimming. I took all my clothes off and dove into the pool. I felt at ease and relaxed, even a little bit lazy. I proceeded to do a few laps with some languid flips at the ends of the pool, almost in slow motion. It felt good to be in the water again, gliding through the silence and serenity of its depth.

I wish all of life felt like that cool tepid blue water. I remember feeling the bliss of oneness with my element. Got to get back into the pool.

Forthright

2011-03-23T07:05:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking on this topic for a couple of weeks now. Life is a strange ocean we surf everyday. Always bringing us the tests we are meant to accomplish and move past. Seeing as I am in recovery, I am required/excited to be honest with all my actions/speech. It has got me noticing when people aren't being honest. I find it intriguing/frustrating that people underestimate those they do not know. They say little lies to themselves and others to not have to "hassle" with the truth. How does that serve anyone's best interests? Rather to not say anything than to make stuff up.

I love life. I love everything about it. I am grateful to be aware again. My son is grateful I am aware too.

hug your loved ones!!!

Creativity

2011-03-18T09:53:00.001-07:00

When I first started writing poetry, I thought that I could only do it when I was drinking in a bar, like the "greats". Drunk and dazzlingly intellectual. That only works for a brief bit of time during the process of consuming alcohol. Most of the time I ended up having in-depth discussions with other saturated semi-philosophers. I ended up writing many journals during that time frame. Alas, all those books of my poetry and writings were lost forever when I moved from Florida back to Texas. My portfolio, my journals, my history, my sketches, etc. That is the only thing I have ever lamented losing in my life. My history was in those journals. My unpublished poetry, thoughts of all the wreckage I survived during those 15 years of my life. I will never see them again. I get sick to my stomach thinking of it.

I am working on a new phase in my life right now, and it will be a new sort of creativity. I cherish the opportunity and am grateful that I wasn't lost during all the trials I have set forth for myself and hurdled over. I learned a lesson that I will be teaching my son. Always journal, and keep them in a safe place so you can access them in the future. Don't lose that part of your past. All else is material, and although those things can be valuable and worthy, it is our memories that are of true value. These images of our lives give us balance, support and a sense of self. When we get older and our minds become more feeble, they are the reminders of our physical paths and how we developed into the characters we are.

This week I am relearning the lesson, be here, now, for that is all you truly have. I have let go of those journals for a reason. They may be teaching someone else right now, or in a land fill rotting away, who knows. Maybe the words will fill the air and travel to somewhere, or I hope they do. I always hope. Despite all that has happened and even if things "appear" to be hopeless, I still hold onto it. I just don't always surface above the waterline to proclaim hope as a savior.

So what is all this about? Creativity. Time to get back to pure creativity. I have always had it. I have denied its existence lately for I was refusing/misusing it. I am free now to reunite with its claim on me. Let it flow dear girl. Its your recovery tool.

Sometimes Things Become Crystal Clear

2011-03-11T00:27:00.000-08:00

Someone that I love dearly, came over today and brought me some chili. And with all that is going on with me, all he could talk about were his drama's. Remember people never change, I mean unless its absolutely necessary and they choose to re-rail their destinies.

yea. I did the right thing. Still love the guy, but hell... *giggle*

Recovery

2011-03-09T19:11:00.000-08:00

I am learning about recovery. This is my first week. I am glad I can get support.

bonus

2011-03-06T00:05:00.001-08:00

i get to disappear today. isn't that cool?

i can't say it better than this

2011-03-04T17:27:00.003-08:00

When you love someone - you'll do anything
you'll do all the crazy things that you can't explain
you'll shoot the moon - put out the sun
when you love someone

you'll deny the truth - believe a lie
there'll be times that you'll believe you can really fly
but your lonely nights - have just begun
when you love someone

when you love someone - you'll feel it deep inside
and nothin else can ever change your mind
when you want someone - when you need someone
when you need someone...

when you love someone - you'll sacrifice
you'd give it everything you got and you won't think twice
you'd risk it all - no matter what may come
when you love someone
you'll shoot the moon - put out the sun
when you love someone

i miss being in love. nothing like it.

i can't say it better than this

2011-03-04T17:27:00.001-08:00